mike lee
Cheshire fortnightly
DON’T READ
THIS COLUMN.
Remnants from a Tattered No
tebook
(Excerpted from "Confes
sions of a Former Nerd”)
“Wow," I thought to myself as
my mind expanded throughout
Tingle Dorm — / mean through
the walls, man, those paper-thin
gaudy colored walls! — anyway,
like, I thought — well, “Wow."
This could happen to you:
“Dear, please answer the
door.”
"I’m watching the game. You
get it.”
"Oh, all right . . Fred, come
quick! There’s a burning sack
on the front porch!"
"Damn pranksters — OK, I’m
stomping it out."
"Oh, Fred — you just trampled
the baby kittens inside!”
Remember — there is a fine
line between comedy and
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Page 6
tragedy. Using the above exam
ple, please draw it.
Mike Visits a Social Con
sciousness Cell Somewhere On
Campus.
“Please — don’t blow-dry
your hair tonight," my guide
warned me. "It will only make
them suspicious.”
“Janice?”
“Yes, Donald?”
“Could you stop doing the
dishes and sit down for a
minute? It’s important.”
“Sure.”
“Janice — your mother died.”
SPLAT!
“I suppose you’re wondering
why I hit you with that cream pie,
Janice. . .”
Funny J-school joke: How
long does it take Halverson to
put down Metzler?
TEHRAN, Iran (AP) — The
militants who have held the U S.
embassy under siege for three
months released all of their
hostages today following the
discovery that their demands
Onto
"x’d uke. a smjcru^E /v Ms uez*
I mean, that's really neat — a
column with no cohesive
(ooooooh, three syllables)
theme at all. I wouldn't have to,
y'know, trouble myself with
drawing subtle analogies, or
any of that pseudo-intellllllec
tual junk. I could just be —
weird.
Dear Mom and Dad: I take
back all that “middle class”
stuff. Now can I have my car
back?
You too can use comedy to
take the pressure off of any
tense situation! Watch . . .
And I’ll write a narrative, a
“state of consciousness” thing
— balloons, man, it feels bal
loons in my feet — yeah, that's it,
hahahahahaha hahahaha
hahahahaha hahahaha hahaha
hahahaha — and a cartoon with
Deep Meanings — so what if I
don't draw well, I still get five
bucks for it — mmmmmm, that
spot on the back of my throat
feels n-i-i-i-i-i-ce.
Lee’s First Law of Creative
Pessimism:
The results of a given event
are inversely proportional to the
expectations.
J
were misinterpreted.
“Death to Sha-na-na” is the
correct chant, a red-faced Aya
tollah Khomeini announced
today. The Iranians were an
gered by the rock group’s can
cellation of a November concert
in Tehran.
Oh, wow — and that heavy
metal Rock music — twang,
TWANG — oooh, the bass, my
ears, my guts — “vicarious,”
what a word — hell, there goes
my head through Stan’s rug
again — l-l can't keep the pen tip
on the page. . .
Keller announces candidacv
Eugene Mayor Gus Keller is
running for re-election.
Keller announced his can
didacy at a Friday press confer
ence. "Four short years don’t
allow us the opportunity to
complete the goals we set for
ourselves,” Keller said.
Continued work on Eugene's
economic development, city
planning, transportation and
cooperation between govern
ment agencies require him to
serve another term, Keller said.
“Obviously we are in trouble
with local financing,” Keller
said. Eugene will ask its citizens
to approve a new tax base on
May 20, but Keller said he
71
doesn't know what amount that
proposed base would be. “It will
be an excessive amount by past
standards," he said.
Keller mentioned a new
Spectra-Physics electronics
manufacturing plant under
construction west of town as an
example of economic develop
ment. But, said Keller, Eugene
will not tender unlimited hospi
tality to electronics industries.
"Spectra-Physics obviously is
the first clean, labor-intensive
industry in Eugene,” Keller said.
“It is a model we can all be
proud of. But, take San Jose,
take Boston — they (electronics
industries) have destroyed
them.” So, he says, Eugene will
limit growth of that type of in
dustry.
The new civic center, said
Keller, “offers economic secur
ity for the downtown core area.
It will be a resource for our own
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local artists and a cultural
center for our citizens.”
Keller said future planning
work includes identifying land to
be held for Eugene’s expansion.
A possible county development
moratorium or failure of the May
20 tax-base election could
block the planning process, he
said.
Keller noted that the T-2000
transportation plan has been
approved by Lane County,
Eugene and Springfield. He said
its implementation will help
integrate the area’s travel sys
tem. Bicycle, pedestrian, street
and freeway traffic are included
in the plan, he said.
Other concerns Keller men
tioned included a “dog control
commission that is functioning
and doing a good job,” plans for
a public golf course and “en
couraging EWEB to take a good
hard look at geothermal en
ergy.”