Cosmos botch orbit marathon
EDMONTON, Alberta — (AP) Two Soviet
Union Cosmonauts emerged unharmed from a
partially submerged space capsule and de
manded political asylum from the Canadian
government early Friday. The cosmonauts,
Ricky Ricardinsky, 23, and Simon Wiesenthal,
62, asked the Canadian Government for politi
cal asylum only after they landed in the middle
of frozen Big Bare Lake during an unsuccess
ful re-entry into the earth’s atmosphere.
The space capsule they were riding in, The
Sezwho II, had been in orbit since 1968 and
was scheduled to touch down in the snows of
Kilimanjaro early next decade, according to
Soviet authorities.
The authorities denied reports that the two
cosmonauts were being used to set a new
record for the most years in orbit.
According to Royal Canadian Mounted
Police, who arrested the cosmonauts for litter
ing the Big Bare Lake park with space junk, the
cosmonauts emerged from the capsule asking
to be taken to Grant’s Tomb or the Empire
State Building.
"When they jumped out they started hailing
a taxi,” a police spokesman said. "It took us
thirty minutes to convince them that they
weren’t in downtown New York City during
rush hour.”
According to sources at the Langley, Vir
ginia Central Intelligence Agency headquar
ters, the cosmonauts primary target was down
town New York City during the morning rush
hour
“From what we can gather, they wanted to
land near 42nd street so they could catch a
porno movie before they asked for asylum,”
the source said.
Canadian officials are not commenting on
the connection between a recent baby harp
seal attack and the cosmonauts’ defection, but
the CIA source said the two were definitely
related.
"We re working on the possibility of a con
nection between the two incidents and a recent
flood in South America,” the source said.
“We’re also not ruling out the possibility of
some sort of Cuban connection here.”
-Globe at a gape
Will Ham get off the hook?
WASHINGTON — (AP) The White House Thursday released a
338-page leather bound book, 11,000 feet of film and 16 tape
recording discs all intended to clear Hamilton Jordan of any
improprieties during a recent incident in a local bar.
Jordan, Pres. Jimmy Carter’s chief counsel, denies he was
drunk and all allegations that he:
• fondled a woman’s breast and ripped off her dress when she
refused his advances.
• swung from the chandelier — nude.
• put a lampshade on his head.
• hung the bartenders’ suit up on a hook — with the bartender
still in it.
• made passes at Amy Carter.
• replacing the cream in Jimmy’s Oreos with soap
• lusted for Aunt Lillian
Carter said, “I have complete faith in Ham ... as long as he
stays away from Rosalynn.”
_ ' — ■
Big Foot lectures
on surviving tourism
SOUTH BEND, Ind. (AP) —
Less than two months since he
came out of hiding, Sasquatch, or,
as laymen know him, Big Foot,
began a three-month lecture cir
cuit tour at the University of Notre
Dame Thursday morning.
The creature, who now prefers
to be addressed by his real name,
Heinrick Mantooth, lectured to
about 35,000 spectators Thurs
day morning on the Pacific North
west.
Mantooth used slides taken
while on the run from squatch hun
ters and plaster cast footprints of
nis human pursuers to prove to
the audience that no intelligent life
could live in Hood River, Oregon.
'kitirk-kir-kirkiriririr'k'k-k-kirir
Mantooth came out of hiding
less than two months ago follow
ing the capture of his cousin in
connection with a human nose
found in a trash container in Hood
River, a community along the Col
umbia River that is inhabited by
“migrant truck drivers and
feeble-minded CB radio buffs,”
he said.
An exclusive interview with
Mantooth appeared last Fall in a
prominent Northwest newspaper,
The Oregon Daily Emerald. The
interview said Mantooth was tired
of running and was consider "ig re
tiring to New York City where he
and his family would start a de
licatessen in the Bronx.
kit kit it it it it it it it it it irk it it it
Harp seals
stage attack
NEWFOUNDLAND, Nova
Scotia (AP) — More than 180,OCX)
three-week old baby harp seals
viciously attacked eight Canadian
fishermen in their ice-bound whal
ing ship off the Canadian East
Coast, Canadian authorities said
Friday.
The fishermen, who were
armed with only converted ax
handle clubs, managed to escape
injury by beating the baby seals to
death during the attack, au
thorities said.
According to Capt. Johann
Slaughterous, 26, the vessel’s
commander, the baby seals at
tacked over a period of three
months while the ship’s eight crew
members were asleep. Most of
the attacking seals were killed by
clubbing, Slaughterous said, but
several thousand retreated to
their mothers and had to be dub
bed several miles from the vessel.
Although the body count for the
seals has been set at dose to
180,000, Canadian authorities
fear more attacks in the future and
are flying in a residual force of
fisherman armed with ax-handle
clubs to ward off any other at
tempts.
“We will defend our fishermen
at all costs,” Canadian Premier
Pierre Hugo told reporters Friday
after the first seal attack.
“These seals must learn that it
will take more than a pretty white
coat to protect them from our
brave defenders of the north.”
Authorities have authorized the
removal of all 180,000 seal skins
to be used as food substitutes for
emerging Third World nations,
Hugo said.
k'k'k'k'k'k'kitirk'k'kirk'k'k'k
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