Vol. 3, No. 1
Eugene, Oregon 97403
Friday, April 7, 1978
City prepares for electronic smog
By HEAVEN PARDON
Of the Immorald
An errant radio wave that has
been linked to reports of “elec
tronic smog” for the past two
weeks is being caused by Disco
music played in the Eugene
Springfield area, a Federal Com
munications Commission (FCC)
spokesman said Thursday.
The mysterious radio signal,
which has been described as a
wildly pulsing beam with a steamy
bump and grind rhythm, has
been traced to several locations
around Eugene, all of which are
located in or near singles bars,
teen dance halls and two area re
cord stores, the spokesman said.
According to FCC findings,
which were made from a
Washington, D.C. office by sev
eral engineers and two Federal
Bureau of Investigation officers,
the music played in those loca
tions has interacted with an appar
ent rise in body temperatures to
cause the mysterious signal.
“It’s really no mystery at all,”
Robert Smyte, FCC spokesman
for the Department of Investiga
tions into crack-pot allegations
that errant radio waves could be
causing cancer in nearly 10 million
Americans a year and other smart
aleck industrial hygienists’
theories that come dangerously
close to uncovering a secret Naval
communications system that has
been linked to every disease from
cataracts, heart trouble and cen
tral nervous disorders to genetic
damage and lack of ability to read
long paragraphs, said in a tele
phone interview Thursday.
“This whole thing has been
blown completely out of propor
tion,” he explained. "There is no
need to be alarmed and there is no
danger.”
Disco music, Smyte said, has
been known to cause several
nervous disorders in the past, in
cluding one unexplained disease
which compels those stricken by it
to watch John Travolta movies, he
said.
“That is certainly more danger
ous to the brain than any mic
rowave radiation,” Smyte said.
The owners of the dance halls,
the singles bars and the record
stores, however, disagree with
Smyth’s explanation. Disco music
could not possible be causing the
signal, they said.
“Sure, and rumba dancing can
make you go blind,” one owner
said. "This is just a classic case of
the federal government tailing us
just what they want us to know.”
Of those areas pinpointed by
the FCC as the causes of the
signals, several tests done by en
gineers in Washington, D.C., used
to determine the findings prove
they are the cause, Smyte said.
One test, telephoning a disco
dance hall and asking if they had
Sir Walter Raleigh in a can proved
beyond a doubt that the singal
was coming from those loca
tions, he said.
“You should have heard their
answers,” Smyte said. “The
music was so loud that I could
hardly make out what they said,
but I know that they are the cause.
So there is no need for alarm.”
But Measure Van Quark, who
first discovered the signal, disa
grees.
"Sure, and dancing the rumba
can make you go blind,” he said.
"This isn’t what I have discovered
through my research.”
Van Quark and several en
gineers who measured the signal
are not convinced the FCC tests
went deep enough into the issue.
“They could have at least come
into the city to make their tests,”
Van Quark said. "But by staying in
Washington, they just fueled the
fire under the controversy.”
Van Quark explained the FCC
engineers may have been suffer
ing from brain damage caused by
working near a bureaucracy.
"That’s more dangerous than
any microwave jive,” he said.
“Just look at all the dumb stuff
they do. They must have brain
damage, that's the only explana
tion for it.”
Whatever the cause of the
signal, Eugene residents who
have visited area disco dance
halls, record stores and teen
dances in the past six months are
asked to report any disorders —
such as a third eye growing in the
forehead — to the FCC as soon as
possible, Smyte said.
Civil defense authorities began issuing gear Thursday to ward off the effects of the electronic smog, which
has been pulsating through Eugene for several days. Citizens are asked to avoid several items that amplify
the mysterious radio signal: radios, refrigerators, TVs and lUDs.
Would refuses to commit
on doqcatcher’s contest
By I Ml NATI Z
Of the Immorald
Bob “Vascillation” Would today announced his
intention again that he was going to run in the May
primary. Would has not decided what race to run for
yet but said he’d like to be considered for as many
races as possible.
Would was going to be Oregon’s next governor,
congressional representative, EWEB board
member, and serve on the school board. But rumors
are now flying around his various campaign head
quarters Would is seriously considering running for
dogcatcher.
Would told reporters they were barking up the
wrong tree when asked of his aspirations of being
dogcatcher.
Would elaborated anyway on his ideas for his
campaign saying it was a “dog eat dog world and I for
one disagree with that.”
Would went on to voice his support of abortion
for welfare bitches and told reporters of his idea of
installing CB radios in the dogcatchers van to attract
strays.
He also praised Alfo and said every dogcatcher
should be familiar with such protein substitutes. It
was not clear if Would was talking about dogs or
himself eating the Alfo.
When a Would campaign worker was asked if
this could be for real she sighed and said, “Bob has
been faced with a lot of indecisions lately, and I can’t
really say for sure.”
Referee shot in Pit
Pac-8 basketball official Mel Floss was killed by a sniper’s
bullet before 10,000 fans in Mac Court Thursday night during the
Oregon-UCLA game. Police have not turned up any witnesses.
Floss, 99, one of the oldest basketball referees and the most
maligned by fans, was waddling down court, chasing Ns seeing
eye dog from the floor, when he suddenly collapsed, police said.
Trainers from both teams rushed to his aid and found a single
two-inch bullet hole at the base of his skull, which police suspect
killed him instantly.
Police detained all 10,000 fans for questioning, except the
members of the “Fleeced Ducks,” who each year give
$1,000,000 to the Athletic Department.
All the fans deny hearing any gunshot or seeing the killing
occur. But Eugene Police Chief Fierce Looks is skeptical.
‘‘I can't believe we are unable to locate one witness out of
10,000 possibilities," he said incredulously.
In tribute to Floss, the pep band played “Stayin’ Alive,” the
students threw frisbees and empty rum bottles and coach Dick
Hartless tripped a cheerleader.
J