-haramjue
This space for hire
University students may not be aware of the great ad
vantage the Immorald enjoys in being an independent
newspaper. An example of the importance of being inde
pendent is an incident that occurred last week, when Ber
nau Crat, an ASUO influence peddler, strolled into the
Immorald offices looking for a favor.
He was wearing one of those stylish leisure suits availa
ble only at Tire and Cranks’ many convenient locations.
Tapping his Dirt Shoe-clad toe to the music from our
really great sound system available at a terrific savings
from Frog Stall, he asked if he could treat us to one of the
Exclusior Cafe’s fine lunches.
We said we could use a free lunch, as long as we
stopped to pick up a case or two of Crudweiser at Strafe
way. Crat agreed that Strafeway’s bargains are hard to top,
and the service is great, too. And Fire em’s is right next
door.
After a delicious lunch topped with a bottle of Gallon
Farty Boorgundy, we asked Crat to lay down his cards.
Why the royal treatment, better than we had enjoyed since
that weekend at the Padlock?
He told us the ASUO was becoming concerned about
plugs for our advertisers creeping into our news columns.
He said he couldn’t see how the fact that University Pres.
Nullen Void has his hair done at the Spare Loft relates to
declining enrollments. He said he couldn't understand why
ROTC cadets eating at Messy’s Pizza Parlor is front page
news.
Fortunately for our readers, the Immorald can resist
such attempts to influence our editorial policy, whether
they come from the ASUO, the administration or a gov
ernment agency. We told Crat to save his breath and went
for an ice cream cone at Basket and Bobbins.
V
--oh. yeah?—
Equality for oppressed species
Students here in Oregon and around the country
are building for the Week of Solidity with Oppressed
Species. The Coalition to Fight the Football Hike,
Smash Impartialism, and So On is leading this strug
gle. We’ve got it together and you don't, so do what
we tell you.
Come to the huddle on the EMU Terrace at high
noon. United we ll go for the first down. We ll confront
the rejectionary administrators with demands for
farm animal unionization, an end to slashbacks, and
white students off campus. Together we ll expose the
bourgeois lackeys as they drop back and punt.
Okay, we know nobody ever reads these things
past the second paragraph. So we can talk in private
now. After the demo, remember we re all meeting
with Void and Bogus for beer and pretzels. They’ll
have the checks ready.
These little get-togethers are important for
everyone’s morale, as we all know. Last week's
meeting was especially productive. Void proved
himself a top-notch scrabble player, and Mrs. Bogus
can sure bake a cake.
A few words for the table crews. Book sales
have fallen off lately, and since we rely on book
profits to finance many of our other operations, we
can’t afford to lose this source of revenue. Maybe
someone could look into getting copies translated
from Chinese into English. Let’s see if we can move
some of those babies before the new line of greeting
cards and revolutionary thrillers arrives next month.
Petition passers, you’ve been doing great. The
seminar really paid off. It seems the best tactics are
so obvious you never think of them. Who could have
imagined that it’s important to always have a petition
to sign, no matter what it’s about, to get students to
the point where they’ll sign petitions by reflex? This
week’s petition will be for nothing in particular, unless
anyone’s got an idea.
Bad news from the placard factory. It seems the
sign painters are out on strike for higher wages and
better conditions. They're going to bring in some
scabs, but we won't have any fancy stage properties
for tomorrow’s demo. We ll have to use last week's
signs and hope nobody notices we re chanting “fight
the football hike” while our signs say “U.S. out of
New Mexico.”
A boxcar full of new leaflets arrived yesterday.
We haven't had time to take a look at them yet, but we
ordered the deluxe assortment, so there's sure to be
something for everyone. This new shipment should
last us through May.
A few words on marching orders. It really looks
sloppy when everyone sort of spreads out and strag
gles along on the way to the administration building.
We need tighter marching formations, and starting
this weekend we ll have drills every Saturday on the
Autzen Stadium parking lot. We want our demos to
look sharp; sloppy demos don't make the evening
news.
At our last meeting someone brought up the idea
of uniforms. We've talked about this before, and it
doesn't seem like a very good plan. Maybe uniforms
would be okay for the softball team, but people sort of
freak out when they see demonstrators in uniforms.
This is Eugene, not Japan.
Next week's struggle will be built around the
slogan, “End oppression in Springfield!'' Ruling class
Eugene residents can’t imagine the horrible condi
tions of life in Westinghauser-dominated Springfield
Well, you all know the line. This promises to be a real
zinger of a struggle, so invite all your friends.
Sometimes people read the last paragraph of
these interminable opinion pieces, so_
As the facts presented above prove beyond
doubt, we can make the Week of Solidity with Op
pressed Species a day everyone will remember. Join
in the struggle of oppressed species for equality and
freedom! Down with appearance! Up with reality!
Huddle on the EMU terrace at high noon!
Coalition to Fight The
Football Hike, End
Impartialism, and So On
Sez you
Opening bid
Regarding ASUO presidential
candidate Dave Tyler’s sugges
tion that the Immorald’s contract
with the ASUO be put up for open
bidding:
My organization would be
happy to write, print and distribute
the Immorald every day for free. I
assure you it would contain no
thing but the Truth.
Rev. Some Young Moonie
Seoul, South Korea
Bleeding hearts
News of campus protests about
our company’s recruiting efforts
has reached our office lately. It
seems a few bleeding hearts are
all worked up over the fact that the
government of South Africa has
chosen to grant us the privilege of
paying a few fat dividends by tak
ing advantage of local social
policies. We are understandably
upset.
It’s bad enough that these
ivory-tower protestors are sticking
their noses where they don’t be
long. Does anyone give us credit
for bringing civilization to the Afri
can savages? Do they know that
some of them don’t even speak
English?
No, the real issue is that the en
tire aim of our recruiting efforts is
being misrepresented. We re not
hiring college graduates to work in
South Africa. We re hiring them to
oppress and exploit workers right
here at home.
Kruger Rand
Information Director
MultiCorp, Inc.
Gato Gordo, Calif.
Dog care needed
I’m sure every student is aware
that a major bone of contention in
Page 4
bill that would establish state
funded dog care for students.
What’s needed now is for students
to lift their legs and hound their
representatives to get this bill
shepherded through committee.
We’ve already collared support
on the floor, but the bill’s leash on
life may turn out to be a choke
chain unless there's a rabid show
ing of student support.
With kennel costs skyrocketing
and rations short, it’s essential the
burden of caring for a dog be
eased by the state. State funded
dog care needs your help.
Derby Carrot
Oregon Student Lounge
Free speech
I am amused by the Immorald’s
gutlessness. You shy away from
obscenity even though a campus
newspaper affords the ideal op
portunity for license.
For instance, you failed to re
port University Pres. Nullen Void's
famous remark, "Your mother
*cx bananas sideways.” And
what about John Smashem’s
quick retort, “«%x you, death
spewing mother }o and eater of
«(?/#, cram it up your and
««Q it”?
Lotsa Chutzpah
Sophomore-Criticism
Fuck you, chump - ed.
Uncounted ballots
Politics is the authoritative allo
cation of scarce resources. There
fore, I should be ASUO President.
Jimmy Carter is still campaign
ing three months after his election,
why can't people understand why
I’m campaigning three weeks
after mine? The forces of obstruc
tionism, obscurantism and obfus
cation are conspiring against me.
The uncounted ballots in last
Tuesday's safety net election
were mine. And I still can't find a
place to park.
Thurd Geery
Senior-Politics
Greeks off campus
I’ve had about enough of the
Immorald’s unending hate cam
paign against the Greeks. I've
been a Greek all my life, and I
can't see how it's any worse than
being an Armenian or a Turk.
Sure we all live together. You
want we should move to Italy?
Sure we have customs of our own.
We invented western civilization.
And of course every one of our
politicians is a Greek. We've even
got laws to keep it that way.
So lay off Greece, already.
Nikos Pappodapoulous
Phraxos, Greece
Rather silly
Save the Wales? I didn't know
the bloody place was in trouble
And I don’t see what blaming
Japan will do, in any case. If you
ask me, it’s Ireland that needs a bit
of help.
David Frost
San Clemente, Calif.
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Friday, May 20, 1977