Tales of campus life-Part 7 Janitor aims to ‘clean uo’ textbook hvoe By BRAD LEMLEY Of the Emerald In a way, I really enjoyed being a night janitor. Sure, the hours were lousy and the pay was worse, but for some reason, ever since I was a kid I had always enjoyed cleaning things. That’s why when the Uni versity maintenance crew took me on as head work-study janitor for PLC they got the biggest bargain ever, because I left no corner unmopped and no book undusted in my relentless pursuit of spotlessness. So it was that in the midst of a particularly industrious fit of midnight polishing, I made my momentous discovery. I was working in the office of a psychology professor — coincidentally, one of my psychology pro fessors — when I got the notion to scrub the underside of the heating register. I was re ally getting into the job, determined to make the old neglected aluminum gleam so that anyone who might, improbably, squat down and inspect it would see his or her own startled face peering back, when my doth struck, and flipped, a toggle switch hidden in the deepest recess of the space beneath the register. Suddenly the whirring sound of some in visible motor filled the room, and, spinning around, I saw an ornate, framed diploma bearing my professor's name swung away from the wall, revealing an empty space behind My curiosity thoroughly aroused, I stood and crossed the room to peer inside the mysterious cavern. At first it appeared to be empty, but as my eyes adjusted to the gloom I was able to discern a thin pamphlet resting against the back of the depression. Warily, I reached inside and brought the little volume into the bright neon light of the office. The cover bore this inscription: Translation: Cognition and Post Machiavellian Abstractionism.'' I didn’t know what to make of that. I knew that “Cognition...” was the name of a text book, because it was the main text for "Ex istentialization of Neo-interrationality,” the □•awing by Sieve SandeWom class that I was taking from this professor. But I couldn’t imagine what was meant by “Translation," because the textbook was a truly mammoth tome, and a verbatim trans lation into any language wouldn't even come close to fitting in the pamphlet that I held. Consequently, my curiousity was burning as I opened the cover and read the first page. All that was written there, how ever, was: "Chapter 1 People think." Now I was really confused. I had read that chapter two months ago, and though I couldn't remember exactly what H said, I recalled that it was a long section, at least 80 pages, and that it had taken me a week to get through it. Determined to get to the bottom of the mystery, I trotted out to the hall, got my backpack, and pulled out the textbook, using the "clean and jerk” method to avoid straining my back. I flipped to the first paragraph of Chapter One and began to read: "The cognitive intro-extro inspectionism of self-and-environmentally investigative homo erectus, coupled expansionistically with the inherent evaluatory subliminal conscious reasoning capabilities of closed and open cycle reflection (and, as a neces sary adjunct, correction) must, impera tively, react with an innate, polylevel, as sociative "perceptual set,’ imbued with superstructural dogmatism that, while cir cumscribing certain revelatory assump tions, allows for creative expression in a context of morality-aware discoveryism. This superstructure is delineated by..." (Continued on Page 12) CELEBRATE INTERNATIONAL WOMEN S DAY nwn»»ofcitio»Mnr«iiii«nB»t^iaii«b»ho>a Ing an mortal program. MrtudMg ahort pro aonuttona. dMcuaalona. aonga and a aUda ahow lo calabrata Imarnadonal Woman a Ooy Tha program nM danl w*#i aamo o* tha Wk» WHAT IS THE SOURCE OF WOMEN'S OP WHAT ROLE HAVE WOMEN PLAYED HSTOR •CALLY M THE STRUOOLE AOAMST EXPLOt TATKM AMO OPPRESSKW? WHAT DOES THE EQUAL RIGHTS AMEND MENT REALLY REPRESENT? NOW WILL WE GAM OENUME EQUALITY POR 1ST EMU Monday. MarcN » » pm 0066 5 WTERNATKJMAL WOMEN'S DAY PROGRAM March 8 8pm 107 EMU Sponaotad by Rowtutunary Sfcjdrm Bnga da 0056 5 {^ENTERTAINMENT ) ARROYO Happy Holt 7-0 p m Sunday FABLE SI At Tha BACKDOOR 1046 Oak m die Over park 132605 MAX’S SATURDAY McKonrw Rarar Boya 750 Cowar 500 Earn 13Ni 132435 EUGENE ARM MAU, SECOND FLOOR lOlh and OHa. 067-0733 ToMgM thru SrmdOy ■Moon RoNorda Bor Dm a Harrta m Par award mnrmg A THOUSAND CLOWNS Shnadmaa 7 and 0:15 HarMoad admanon maOnam Saturday and Surv at 2 FRKMY AMD SATURDAY MBNBTE SHOW ONLY PINK FLAMINGOS "I’m aura Una • fta atcSoaL groaaoaL hawtaal Bm **ar mode IS aaa you flora" —SB. RaMd X. aduPa over 10 orty 13252:5 MONDAY. MARCH 0 al 0 pm w Pia BaRoom Mia legendary Mk gudanal ELIZABETH COHEN, along adh HAZEL DICKENS and ALICE GER HARD. a CUhaal Forum Cram 132220 THE ANANOA MARGA SOCIETY PRESENTS SILENT RUNNING A mind expanding lilm putney into the realm ct ecological soence-liclion Deeded Hr Oougtes Tumfeu* «4io cieaied the ape cut rtlnctx lor 2001. Douglas Trumbull u Ihe beat So-Fi mannowwoe ng SILENT RUtiOIOlG has deep tpaoe effects every be equal lo 2001 — Chrcago Sun-Tmes Saturday. March 6 177 Lawrence 7 & 9 pm $1 13246 5 WHEATFIELD at MURPHY ANO ME TAVERN March 3 4 4 5 Wednesday 4 Thursday * 1 50 Friday—S2 106915 GREEK FILM CO-OP Presents Friday March 5 THE WIZARD OFOZ Foilcm OoioSty and Tolo Down the Yedow Brick Road to the* putney lo tie Emerald City ot 02 177 Lawrence SI 7. 9. 4 11 p.m. Saturday March 6 CALIFORNIA SPLIT Staring EMoff Gould and George Segal n a hdanous comedy about gamteng 150 Science SI IR 7. 915 11:30 p ar 13237 5 BLACK FOREST TAVERN 2667 WStometle 3*44)916 Lew emertanmeni hve n&l* a week MICHEL OB ON TAP 11749 tin HORSEBACK RIDES MM* ot wooded Vat Wlndgale Farm* 996-6669 12045HF MARCH 7 In csMPrstlon ot tntm nmttontt Women s Oey THE EMERGING WOMAN CarehrOy-t ached htetory ot in Me U S . showing her THE DOUBLE DAY An anatysM ot Women s wo* Mg condi tions M LetM America utHtaMg Me criti cal volcoa el Mo woman Mamaaleoa 7 4 #30 SI-25 177 Lawtance 132395 PRESENTS OUR LAND, OUR PEOPLE and THE ESCAPE (BoM mth Engtah sub-tMes) 6 7 and 9 pm. Fenton 103 Member tree. Non member SI 132465 EMU Cultural Forum presents JEAW COCTEAU'S MASTERPIECE LES ENFANTS TERRIBLES One of me mod everting films of out Vmes Voluptuous m its evocation of temperament and atmosphere * PAUUNE KA EL The New YotVer Lyrical, perverse and bizarre one of the moil electrifying confiontations of notmatfy ty aBnormaety n me Malory of cinema ANDREW SARRS The Vdage Voce Profound powerful and apeffcmitng FRANCOS TRUFFAUT Friday. March 5 Sunday. March 7 7 JO and 9J0 p.m. t JO p.m only iao pir «i Saturday. March 6 PETER DAVS ACADEMY AWARD WINNMO DOCUMENTARY HEARTS AND MINDS Heart and mmdi masterfully exansnes the American consaouenees tial led to our n vorvemenl n Vietnam k a an noedtSy pmirertu and tasf-movmg Nm TheMmmaA err deMy probe lor tofpe beheld mat ary ac uons lhal devastated one society and polarized another Thrs Nm a an eitraord nary and oonkovertiaf documentary draw ng nwn tssloncal record and mcorpotaing nter Mews photographed speofbeaky tor the ptcyect "Should be seen ty every American CHARLES CHAMPUN. LA TIMES 7.0.11 P«u 100PLC SI 13240 5 j PERSOWAi ) WMKY STMK Happy 19th BMtdeyt Washer-O yer 00965 DEAR SUSA CM BROTHERS: We MSS you! Love. Your PI Phi uae Sigmas 00955 OEAOMAM YOU’RE NOT gsSng older, youW gedng worse 0094 5 LIO.—ASMAKEmatacoaworeilaonaream dale 00935 BETTY LOU: HAPPY 21s0 Get Reedy lor a wdd nfghi Maddog and Lota 01055 bewTdoad tntuT ba^SSMU/THAI? ToaaMo wB do 0104 5 BULWBSI f I late a happy 196t birthday. But stay on your own ads of die roomI Aar en ah 01035 F*u TAX ADVICE on Mate and Moral income to problems LocatedinHeEMU lobby naalloHe IntormaOon and Onevancs Conor, tie tax table o«ers service Monday Hru Friday. 930 to 130 urn* Mar<* 12. Thie service a provided by Bela Alpha Pn-Acoounkno Honorary. 13175:12 OREGON FEEUNO CENTER. an Marnalive to the Pnmal Inataule For mlormalion write 438 West 8ti. Eugene. 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Nanook ___00785 3rd FLOOR TSMLE BaskeM learW HaveT great aaaaon! Wei be walchsig you* 00795 ITS NOT TOO LATEHt S*gn up lev Spmg Frasarney Rush m Suds 3 EMU 13261 10 SUZANNE: ~1— Til YOU love someone, no tsng alee makes sense Bnaee 00615 LANE MBHOMAL 6LOOO BANK Stood Donors Needed A Poearve 4 Unas. A Negakve 4 Urvts. O Poweve 5 Unar. O NegaSie 3 Unda. B Poskwe 0 Urns AB PoeNve 1 Una Donor Hours Monday twu Thursday 1030-12:46 Tuesday thru Thursday 2 00-4:30. Friday 300630 Ca« us lor an appcwSmem at 464-9111 SAT: OMMVOROUS HAPPY sum venom wrth you- Love encases SAM 00475 AHETOUAStAN AMERICAN AND looking kv a pb? Meet wrth Federal Govemmers repreasma Sves Friday March 5 tram 3lo5 p m M Room 12. EMU Sponsored ty He Aaun American 9kJderS Union 119975 RANDY AMO GARY—You are good Inends and I love you tor it Tharks E.S 00925 ROSES ARE RED. Diapers are brown rs time tor Maddog to gel ota o( town 00915 ALL-CAMPUS. GET-OOWtr PARTY! Oela Tau Delta 19*11 Unrversrty Torngts-8 p m Lrve Band and Refreshments $150 Be here” 00905 MEL-WHAT CAN I SAY? Woody Woodpecker peeks aa day—And ad mghl a me Dream Date is rm sorry 00685 WAIT UWH you Ye heard Prank Church. 0064:15 ELLEN. HAPPY BIRTHOAY AND stop taiung . XeKeKe' Ashotoa 00675 MscPHERSON, fat BACK M TOWN. Please caS me tonte. I understand ** you bsmday I mas you Gtuna and I miss Poker House. Love Mystery Women. 00615 OOO POO'S ANO me« dales Get ready—tomorrow n#n * tie mjpsl 00025 HEYBtG-rr Happy 25th Birthday! Your ex-roomm/lriand "Baty cakes 00645 TME TO RELAX? Came browse thru Weedier berry Farm Fabric tor Spmg Sewng ideas. Buy now sew later. 1T,—tr»<Alder<lwesIt,*Ut 132903 COLLEEN. GEORGE, SCRALE pekendy awads you si MNcos—your fluffy Nerd. 00665 SEW*. HAO GREAT tsne Wednesday ra^tt so won t say anyttsng about your boras. NT* as. or beads Happy Bsthday' Fluffy 00605 EIGHT OF SPAOES-Three moths ago ICS dead me a handU It hasn't been easy, but I love every mnute. and you. Shitty 00705 SPOOK SLUES Rare Ctodmg Recycled and Custom Denm Lots of wmter coats 342 West 601 Monday-Saturday 12-6 pun. 1218h A I SWITCHBOARD 666-6453 to aun to mdnrgts edte iAaes -,,. , AOR IlMdSTWIlE sdomtaaon. reterrat. nde enchange. lost and tound. local events A STUDENT GOVERNMENT PROJECT -!22L? DEPRESSED? U OF O Neuropsychology Lab 0 ottemg a 4-6 weak treatment program tor de pressed persons. Pee wS be named d reqused assessments arejnmpteted. A acreetsng tael udi be given Come to die Neuropsychology Lab. Straub Had. t5th and Onyx Hours. 830 to 330 pun. Mon . Wed.. Fn. 830 am. to 6 pun Tues and Thurs. 11 a m to 3 pun. Sat 13218 48