Tales of campus life-Part 7
Janitor aims to ‘clean uo’ textbook hvoe
By BRAD LEMLEY
Of the Emerald
In a way, I really enjoyed being a night
janitor. Sure, the hours were lousy and the
pay was worse, but for some reason, ever
since I was a kid I had always enjoyed
cleaning things. That’s why when the Uni
versity maintenance crew took me on as
head work-study janitor for PLC they got the
biggest bargain ever, because I left no
corner unmopped and no book undusted in
my relentless pursuit of spotlessness.
So it was that in the midst of a particularly
industrious fit of midnight polishing, I made
my momentous discovery. I was working in
the office of a psychology professor —
coincidentally, one of my psychology pro
fessors — when I got the notion to scrub the
underside of the heating register. I was re
ally getting into the job, determined to make
the old neglected aluminum gleam so that
anyone who might, improbably, squat down
and inspect it would see his or her own
startled face peering back, when my doth
struck, and flipped, a toggle switch hidden
in the deepest recess of the space beneath
the register.
Suddenly the whirring sound of some in
visible motor filled the room, and, spinning
around, I saw an ornate, framed diploma
bearing my professor's name swung away
from the wall, revealing an empty space
behind
My curiosity thoroughly aroused, I stood
and crossed the room to peer inside the
mysterious cavern. At first it appeared to be
empty, but as my eyes adjusted to the
gloom I was able to discern a thin pamphlet
resting against the back of the depression.
Warily, I reached inside and brought the
little volume into the bright neon light of the
office. The cover bore this inscription:
Translation: Cognition and Post
Machiavellian Abstractionism.''
I didn’t know what to make of that. I knew
that “Cognition...” was the name of a text
book, because it was the main text for "Ex
istentialization of Neo-interrationality,” the
□•awing by Sieve SandeWom
class that I was taking from this professor.
But I couldn’t imagine what was meant by
“Translation," because the textbook was a
truly mammoth tome, and a verbatim trans
lation into any language wouldn't even
come close to fitting in the pamphlet that I
held. Consequently, my curiousity was
burning as I opened the cover and read the
first page. All that was written there, how
ever, was:
"Chapter 1
People think."
Now I was really confused. I had read that
chapter two months ago, and though I
couldn't remember exactly what H said, I
recalled that it was a long section, at least
80 pages, and that it had taken me a week
to get through it.
Determined to get to the bottom of the
mystery, I trotted out to the hall, got my
backpack, and pulled out the textbook,
using the "clean and jerk” method to avoid
straining my back. I flipped to the first
paragraph of Chapter One and began to
read:
"The cognitive intro-extro inspectionism
of self-and-environmentally investigative
homo erectus, coupled expansionistically
with the inherent evaluatory subliminal
conscious reasoning capabilities of closed
and open cycle reflection (and, as a neces
sary adjunct, correction) must, impera
tively, react with an innate, polylevel, as
sociative "perceptual set,’ imbued with
superstructural dogmatism that, while cir
cumscribing certain revelatory assump
tions, allows for creative expression in a
context of morality-aware discoveryism.
This superstructure is delineated by..."
(Continued on Page 12)
CELEBRATE
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WOMEN S DAY
nwn»»ofcitio»Mnr«iiii«nB»t^iaii«b»ho>a
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NOW WILL WE GAM OENUME EQUALITY POR
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Monday. MarcN » » pm
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WTERNATKJMAL WOMEN'S DAY PROGRAM
March 8 8pm 107 EMU
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Friday March 5
THE WIZARD OFOZ
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177 Lawrence SI
7. 9. 4 11 p.m.
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6 7 and 9 pm. Fenton 103
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presents
JEAW COCTEAU'S MASTERPIECE
LES
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TERRIBLES
One of me mod everting films of out
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PAUUNE KA EL
The New YotVer
Lyrical, perverse and bizarre one of the
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ANDREW SARRS
The Vdage Voce
Profound powerful and apeffcmitng
FRANCOS TRUFFAUT
Friday. March 5 Sunday. March 7
7 JO and 9J0 p.m. t JO p.m only
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PETER DAVS ACADEMY AWARD
WINNMO DOCUMENTARY
HEARTS
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Heart and mmdi masterfully exansnes the
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LA TIMES
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