Tales of campus life-Part 7 Janitor aims to ‘clean uo’ textbook hvoe By BRAD LEMLEY Of the Emerald In a way, I really enjoyed being a night janitor. Sure, the hours were lousy and the pay was worse, but for some reason, ever since I was a kid I had always enjoyed cleaning things. That’s why when the Uni versity maintenance crew took me on as head work-study janitor for PLC they got the biggest bargain ever, because I left no corner unmopped and no book undusted in my relentless pursuit of spotlessness. So it was that in the midst of a particularly industrious fit of midnight polishing, I made my momentous discovery. I was working in the office of a psychology professor — coincidentally, one of my psychology pro fessors — when I got the notion to scrub the underside of the heating register. I was re ally getting into the job, determined to make the old neglected aluminum gleam so that anyone who might, improbably, squat down and inspect it would see his or her own startled face peering back, when my doth struck, and flipped, a toggle switch hidden in the deepest recess of the space beneath the register. Suddenly the whirring sound of some in visible motor filled the room, and, spinning around, I saw an ornate, framed diploma bearing my professor's name swung away from the wall, revealing an empty space behind My curiosity thoroughly aroused, I stood and crossed the room to peer inside the mysterious cavern. At first it appeared to be empty, but as my eyes adjusted to the gloom I was able to discern a thin pamphlet resting against the back of the depression. Warily, I reached inside and brought the little volume into the bright neon light of the office. The cover bore this inscription: Translation: Cognition and Post Machiavellian Abstractionism.'' I didn’t know what to make of that. I knew that “Cognition...” was the name of a text book, because it was the main text for "Ex istentialization of Neo-interrationality,” the □•awing by Sieve SandeWom class that I was taking from this professor. But I couldn’t imagine what was meant by “Translation," because the textbook was a truly mammoth tome, and a verbatim trans lation into any language wouldn't even come close to fitting in the pamphlet that I held. Consequently, my curiousity was burning as I opened the cover and read the first page. All that was written there, how ever, was: "Chapter 1 People think." Now I was really confused. I had read that chapter two months ago, and though I couldn't remember exactly what H said, I recalled that it was a long section, at least 80 pages, and that it had taken me a week to get through it. Determined to get to the bottom of the mystery, I trotted out to the hall, got my backpack, and pulled out the textbook, using the "clean and jerk” method to avoid straining my back. I flipped to the first paragraph of Chapter One and began to read: "The cognitive intro-extro inspectionism of self-and-environmentally investigative homo erectus, coupled expansionistically with the inherent evaluatory subliminal conscious reasoning capabilities of closed and open cycle reflection (and, as a neces sary adjunct, correction) must, impera tively, react with an innate, polylevel, as sociative "perceptual set,’ imbued with superstructural dogmatism that, while cir cumscribing certain revelatory assump tions, allows for creative expression in a context of morality-aware discoveryism. This superstructure is delineated by..." (Continued on Page 12) CELEBRATE INTERNATIONAL WOMEN S DAY nwn»»ofcitio»Mnr«iiii«nB»t^iaii«b»ho>a Ing an mortal program. MrtudMg ahort pro aonuttona. dMcuaalona. aonga and a aUda ahow lo calabrata Imarnadonal Woman a Ooy Tha program nM danl w*#i aamo o* tha Wk» WHAT IS THE SOURCE OF WOMEN'S OP WHAT ROLE HAVE WOMEN PLAYED HSTOR •CALLY M THE STRUOOLE AOAMST EXPLOt TATKM AMO OPPRESSKW? WHAT DOES THE EQUAL RIGHTS AMEND MENT REALLY REPRESENT? NOW WILL WE GAM OENUME EQUALITY POR 1ST EMU Monday. MarcN » » pm 0066 5 WTERNATKJMAL WOMEN'S DAY PROGRAM March 8 8pm 107 EMU Sponaotad by Rowtutunary Sfcjdrm Bnga da 0056 5 {^ENTERTAINMENT ) ARROYO Happy Holt 7-0 p m Sunday FABLE SI At Tha BACKDOOR 1046 Oak m die Over park 132605 MAX’S SATURDAY McKonrw Rarar Boya 750 Cowar 500 Earn 13Ni 132435 EUGENE ARM MAU, SECOND FLOOR lOlh and OHa. 067-0733 ToMgM thru SrmdOy ■Moon RoNorda Bor Dm a Harrta m Par award mnrmg A THOUSAND CLOWNS Shnadmaa 7 and 0:15 HarMoad admanon maOnam Saturday and Surv at 2 FRKMY AMD SATURDAY MBNBTE SHOW ONLY PINK FLAMINGOS "I’m aura Una • fta atcSoaL groaaoaL hawtaal Bm **ar mode IS aaa you flora" —SB. RaMd X. aduPa over 10 orty 13252:5 MONDAY. MARCH 0 al 0 pm w Pia BaRoom Mia legendary Mk gudanal ELIZABETH COHEN, along adh HAZEL DICKENS and ALICE GER HARD. a CUhaal Forum Cram 132220 THE ANANOA MARGA SOCIETY PRESENTS SILENT RUNNING A mind expanding lilm putney into the realm ct ecological soence-liclion Deeded Hr Oougtes Tumfeu* «4io cieaied the ape cut rtlnctx lor 2001. Douglas Trumbull u Ihe beat So-Fi mannowwoe ng SILENT RUtiOIOlG has deep tpaoe effects every be equal lo 2001 — Chrcago Sun-Tmes Saturday. March 6 177 Lawrence 7 & 9 pm $1 13246 5 WHEATFIELD at MURPHY ANO ME TAVERN March 3 4 4 5 Wednesday 4 Thursday * 1 50 Friday—S2 106915 GREEK FILM CO-OP Presents Friday March 5 THE WIZARD OFOZ Foilcm OoioSty and Tolo Down the Yedow Brick Road to the* putney lo tie Emerald City ot 02 177 Lawrence SI 7. 9. 4 11 p.m. Saturday March 6 CALIFORNIA SPLIT Staring EMoff Gould and George Segal n a hdanous comedy about gamteng 150 Science SI IR 7. 915 11:30 p ar 13237 5 BLACK FOREST TAVERN 2667 WStometle 3*44)916 Lew emertanmeni hve n&l* a week MICHEL OB ON TAP 11749 tin HORSEBACK RIDES MM* ot wooded Vat Wlndgale Farm* 996-6669 12045HF MARCH 7 In csMPrstlon ot tntm nmttontt Women s Oey THE EMERGING WOMAN CarehrOy-t ached htetory ot in Me U S . showing her THE DOUBLE DAY An anatysM ot Women s wo* Mg condi tions M LetM America utHtaMg Me criti cal volcoa el Mo woman Mamaaleoa 7 4 #30 SI-25 177 Lawtance 132395 PRESENTS OUR LAND, OUR PEOPLE and THE ESCAPE (BoM mth Engtah sub-tMes) 6 7 and 9 pm. Fenton 103 Member tree. Non member SI 132465 EMU Cultural Forum presents JEAW COCTEAU'S MASTERPIECE LES ENFANTS TERRIBLES One of me mod everting films of out Vmes Voluptuous m its evocation of temperament and atmosphere * PAUUNE KA EL The New YotVer Lyrical, perverse and bizarre one of the moil electrifying confiontations of notmatfy ty aBnormaety n me Malory of cinema ANDREW SARRS The Vdage Voce Profound powerful and apeffcmitng FRANCOS TRUFFAUT Friday. March 5 Sunday. March 7 7 JO and 9J0 p.m. t JO p.m only iao pir «i Saturday. 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