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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 31, 1973)
f-The Halloween Special~ The kids of America on the march B' LEE SIEGEL Rad-aweer is me ttrne of year wrier me cflaidiM arder of society resists Eric survives e Duas.ie£E. arisuEukn: of roit| mobs of pre pubescent datr-in door snakeatwr Ernsts Having standee 'Jht nattSe cry af ’trick or treat n softly trreEterm* ones me todies retreat mm tmetr ruaeants id rawaaurir £ arge taerrser es ar me aenfmts mat me a-* erwaema£ power a: tutmiontsts Dentists etc rantaers i America attempts tr Deny mem me amer r-*f>4 days ad me year Itioeet me sensitive tosen e* sxe names u me realization that me : armor of Ha'-rweer es pnetini by the niamerec-rr-deatr children at me great imdsfe mas is pgaearily i* seek iistice by mercitessy swooping dawr ar tae farces mat dairy aamdard tderr wttr me mindless wanders ad "bruaung after meads * ear rag what's good for yatt and "‘kook hie no cavities Tae aweczatHn of Halioweer with vridicni is a direct fractal assault oc saoetylB almost pathological preoc npwtiwi with the values of the Chruciamn-Godliness-Cleanliness ettnc The m :*oerr day celebration of Hiliweer m America becomes a symbol of resistance to the arrayed ~ igh: a: the moguls of toothpaste Vitamins and genera; weL being The change from a simple sweet-tooth motivated cues; far goodies to a full scale w ar wnere eight-year-oid ex or ti musts van dais burglars, and rings nun] all acts short of murder, reflects a growing willingness among me pre-adcaescen: multi hides to strike sack a: the system that continuously attempts to manipulate them into uniform sweet-breathed shnry-faced, polished-: noth well groomed little robots The police patrol the nigh; con fiscating huge piles of shaving cream cans raw eggs toilet paper toothpaste tubes aerosol sprays soap, and water balloons There seems to be an ironic seise of justice in the fact that the children use these instruments of their owr. oppression in their annual crusade for retribution against the purveyors of hygenic living, proper eating, and Colgate mentality. The use of water balloons by these young revolutionaries represents a desire to use water for evil and dastardly purposes, rather than as an implement to aid in the cleaning of dirty faces and scummy, bacteria infested teeth Similarly, eggs, which are perhaps the greatest symbol of the well balanced, properly digested breakfast, are used as a weapon aimed at a society which has forced helplessly gagging children to swallow the most nauseating and slimy conglomerations in the name of good health and wholesome nutrition Halloween is the one night of the year where kids can leave the over protective shelter called home without explanation tb mom and dad, and freely roam the streets to savagely and ruthlessly attack the symbols of the society which keeps them clean, healthy, and pure Face it, kids love dirt, candy, and anything that is not good for them To put it more simply, kids want to be happy, and the guilt ridden society tries to push upon them its Pun tan derived hatred of anything that makes anyone happy Thus. dirt, candy, and other good things are bad and are to be relentlessly and self righteously regulated or eliminated Consistent with this is the observation that the people who receive the greatest abuse from the young gangsters on Halloween are those cold-hearted monsters who cannot, even for one crummy night, forget the cleanliness health ethic, and foolishly' attempt to pander carrots, celery, and other un sweet and ungood things to the fuming masses of frustrated small fry These callous and insensitive beasts un doubtabiy deserve every ounce of, toothpaste, every roll of toilet paper, every glop of shaving cream, and every glommed-up egg that gets smeared on, draped over, squashed into, or thrown at their houses The kids of America are getting fed up with a bunch of over weight. diseased adults trying to force upon them the ideals of scrubbed bodies, properly working gastroin testinal tracts, and freshasa-spring day spray can sanitized minds. Siegel is an Emerald staff writer. — ' ■— —-. --- Poly-horror satire A simple tale: Blows against the vampire B' OWLA MASCO TT This macabre paiiucai tale opens with a camera shat of the Biack House a: 16(K Transylvania Avenue or. a turbid. misty right as the fog mss r and around the gmliec nars off tae mair gate The cameras of tae three national networks ae cot from taas eerie scene to tae more gnauusn pnesencatiac aaotr. To ae delivered .mode tae famous Oval C-tcfm Trus will be President Onoaa s annual Halioween - ?' message aac as tae t*ew. taring aaur of m.-amgat is nearc being ommoH&'y tOLiec :r tae aacagrouad a stoer somber tone tnat of commentator Alice Cooper, ntradoecs our aeteved leaner Lames and gentlemen. ooys and gaotus Pacbard M Dracuia the Presides: of tae Trans? n-anar States ausaec silence falls as the black-capec figure stnoes into tae cnamaer aac nines to tae podium From a far-off room we near a »od-iike loving then a door treats Draeaia is scowling aac aw the President spears My fellow Transy r. anans I come to you with a : >eecing near. In tms tune of world crises tejy days after my sxe president Spire-- T Frankenstein nas res.gnec in tae mate of the return of tae Egyptian Mummy to scourge tae Middle East once more and in fight of tat «*> • ’rr.:-Tig HefisgaS* scandal I nave cseae with a pies up my cape Here President Dracuia is nherropted by batcalis from tae gallery—’'Draeass you sick Ton w got baa ss ywr beMryf!" ‘Lei it bleed!!” The President m umt-its an maudi&Jt insuit is reply, then dears ins taraa: and continues "1 stand accused of scandals, dirty tncks and assorted sordid activities What can I say’ The dream is over Perhaps I did err on some key decisions, but then I'm tetiy mhnmir, right’’’ Mixed ■cheers and noos emanate from the galtery Bat K9 is the time for compromise a vast and aoting compromise is at hand Therefore I submit the following plan Rather than subject the people of this country u* a painful and enduring horror snow . I will resign— crowd goes ape for a full minute —out on one necessary con dinar. At this paint Dracula's face contorts into an uglier jowl-scowl than usual and incisors sprout miraculously on his Lugos;-like face I humbly request that each man and woman send one pint of their blood to me. addressed via air mail to this same building There is a shocked ga^i from the gallery along with occasional moans and groans 'llpar. receipt of some 200 imlhan pints af mis lovely, precious fluid my resignation will be submitted to the Senate floor Then a thoughtful pause ensues I will retire to my San Clemente name with Pat and Bebe and the rest of the gang and we will reflectively and cafcetrrefy sue± off the remainder of our days All our wort must not be m vein ” A nand is abruptly rased in the audience amid a dasnor of angry hubbub and Lfacufs calls x»x. bus questioner a bespectacled crew -csC krmer Harvard law professor Mister President. I have with me here a copy of the CoEStttaooe. tk the Trao sy h amar States—” Iiracuia nlancnet goes pale and hurriedly tosses his cape up over his terrified, bloodshot eves “Mister President, if I may continue, I can find nothing in this great document to substantiate your odd request in return for your much warranted resignation I have therefore dispatched my aides to in vestigate the possibility—” The President amazingly transforms into a bat on the spot and screechingly streaks down from the podium to attack his accuser “A pox on you Cox. you inquisitive sngrate!!” Suddenly the television transmission blacks out amid the chaos and we hear Alice Cooper solemnly intone ‘‘Due to conditions beyond our control the President has just freaked out—yes, government's out!!” Then static.... .As millions of Transylvanians sit in stunned silence gaping at their static plagued television sets for what seem like hours, the picture finally returns, and again the scene is the Oval Coffin. The President, still in his Batman outfit, has been apprehended by the Black House security officers and is deafeningly screeching orders Meanwhile, a terrified Cox can be seen anxiously inspecting two reddish fang marks imprinted on his neck A guard calls for some batnip and when it arrives soon after, the winged rodent is doused with it. Lo and behold, the President returns to human form! -He is still putting up a mighty struggle.” Cooper relates breathlessly, ‘but the embattled' man must surely realue that now the end is at hand! Dracula now appears ready to make a statement for our waiting microphones let s listen!” “My fellow Transylvanians this is all a emble smear’ I was put up to this by the damn Communists*!’ (Guards silence the salivating world leader.> An alger hiss goes up in the gallery as the now-aroused mob demands Dracula s death In response to their cry. a large, portly southern senator is seen pushing through the crowd, a Const! union -covered silver spike in one hand and a hammer in the other. “It's Senator Ervin of the Hellsgate committee!” Cooper cries “No no. anything but that!!” screams the restrained Dracula. begging for mercy. “I'll do anything, anything—I’ll leave Washington forever and return to my law practice in New York Please, please. I promise to jump off the Vampire State Building even, but not that, no. not that ... spike.AGGGH!!!” he yelps “But Ervin will finally have his way!” gloats the ubiquitous voice of Alice Cooper • gleefully “It's all over for Richard Dracula. folks' The people will not be sucked on any more! Sic 9emper vampiris tyrannis!!” he screams in joy Ervin hammers to a conclusion and Dracula dies a bloody death on TV sets in living rooms across the nation His last words, as Gerald Ford joins in on “the better idea": “Et tu. Ford?!” A calmed-down Cooper can now be seen bending down over the late president’s body, reading from the paper taped onto the spike: "We the people, in order to form a more perfect union." Miscott is a Jourttaltsm major. Letters 1 found your article I am Joe s peats <zbe EatcnM. Fnoay October 26 disgust) ng.!> sensl and appalling!) inaccurate I readme the arti cle »as mean: to be humorous, bai I hate cad as much as I can take of vomer being rr.a . gned debased or lotail> ignored is articles or books •nties o> men Regardless of the topic the same boring patters is repeated: rr.-er. :fie» isabiy style tceci selves tbe aggiressive i«t3ue»er5 ane the fma; aaino rstaes ac any sstojecS eves with regard t* tfee sexual responses ©f worses— a sapyeci wruet I will happily cist-ass with ary mas »t#c* has beec Iwimsat* enaegft to eiynmt a iesssu* urgasrr. They" are. moreover so onfiddir ob sessed with their imx caches and ex crement that they f>sc jt impossible it laet antiuntame Tfaa a persoc Bilb ao? a pems 1© spar then. «e a a-wnar, could achieve greatness or, far that matter, anything at all). Now. as should be clear, my argument ;s not with the main point of the article which is that a man Is only as big as his dick irhymes with sick), but rather. 1 take exception to the tnwuitip non that w omen, solely because n! I heir sex and physical attributes, possess less potential for success and (lisllngulsh ment than men Statements like, "Without me. meaning, of course, a penisi (here would be no tall buildings, no . tus, no great books" and Without me ,loe would be a very dull boy indeed'!!” ore simply blatant sexist insinuations that women are dull and incapable at accom plishment I don't think it necessary that I enumerate all the authors who have written great hooks without the aid of n penis, or list all the interesting women l have known. It is enough to say that I'm greatly disappointed and disturbed that an article as insulting nnd demeaning to women as "Joe's penis was allowed to be ormted Peggy L. McCormick
