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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (March 7, 1973)
—Commentary . The mid-East - a modest proposal By Lee Siegel and G.T. McNaughton It is often said that human beings will spend vast amounts of energy looking for a complex solution to a problem while being totally blind to a simple, clear solution. One man who thoroughly agrees with this assertion is Professor Heinrich Scram blewits of Now You See It Now You Don’t University in Obscurity, Idaho. Professor Scramblewits, who modestly denies that he is the greatest political theorist of all time, feels that he has the answer to the tense situation in the Middle East. And he thinks that he can talk the major world powers into using his method for achieving peace. “My plan is really quite simple, so simple as a matter of fact, that no one has even thought of it,” says Scramblewits. “It consists of three phases, and unfortunately does involve a slight degree of coercion on behalf of the major powers. However, I think that such a transgression will be acceptable once governments of the world realize the good that will crane out of it.” We asked Professor Scramblewits to outline his plan. “Phase One is perhaps the most dif ficult, but I have no doubts that the combined resources of the U.S., and the U.S.S.R., and the People’s Republic of China can easily overcome the problems. On a certain specified date, the three major powers make a joint announcement granting asylum to any Middle East resident who wishes to leave. No one will be forced to leave, but the announcement will also state that in three months the major powers will all launch nuclear warheads with Cairo, Tel Aviv, Damascus, Haifa, Beirut, Jerusalem, and Amman as targets. “After the airlift and subsequent relocation of citizens of the Middle Blast nations, Phase Two begins. The major powers request that the United Nations convene the General Assembly for the purpose of granting a one time only ex ception to the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty. If the Assembly balks at the request, the major powers simply quit the U.N. and declare the Test Ban Treaty void for one day. On that day the nuclear weapons are ‘tested’ on the new Mideastern Global Nuclear One Day Only Testing Range and the entire area is reduced to a cinder. “Now comes the good part,” says Scramblewits, obviously pleased with the ingenuity of his proposal. “An in ternational fact finding commission composed of delegates from the Standard Oil Corporation, Vladivostok Power and Oil, and Hwang Ho Fossil Fuel People’s Cooperative visits the Mideast and after a week of testing declares the area unfit for human habitation, and begins a research program of drilling to determine if the nuclear blast damaged any of the area’s oil supply.” “Obviously, citizens of the Mideast will have no choice but to abandon all claims to the area since the level erf radioactivity prevents a healthy life style, that is, unless one enjoys living and playing in ash heaps. Since no one will want the land, there can be no conflict over it, and peace will have been achieved.” Scramblewits’ proposal no doubt is perhaps the most practical answer yet devised to combat the increasing level of violence and terrorism that has been associated with the middle East crisis. However we felt that there was one problem with it, so we asked the kindly Professor where he planned to relocate the millions of Mideast regugees. “I have spent much lime pondering that very question,” he replied, “and I have come to the conclusion that the best location on earth for the refugees would be the one in which they would feel most at home in.” “And just where is that?” we asked. The Professor looked at us with a twinkle in his eye, and said, quietly, and with the benign expression of a great genius: “Northern Ireland.” (A note to the reader: in the interests of fair play, it should be noted that Professor Scramblewits is the beneficiary of a $500,000 research grant from the In ternational Association of Petroleum Industries.) Letters From Siegel I just hate to aggravate our fine up standing ASUO political hacks anymore, as the old saying goes, “If you have an ^ptated ass, you have to scratch it.” ^It is quite clear that both the ex-senate Mickey Mousers and the ex-ecutive backstabbers are totally incorrect in their assessments of the recent senate election. The fact that 1,000 stucents voted necessarily implies to anyone who has two eyes in their proper sockets and who has mastered the fine art of subtraction that roughly 14,000 students did not vote, choosing instead to uphold the noble traditions of apathy and indifference. Thus, no matter what one’s view of the election, it is clear that the dogs who used to run free in front of the EMU are probably more representative of the student body than the entire ASUO government. Unfortunately, the dogist administration fes taken action to prevent the dogs from Caching any ASUO meetings. Editor’s note: The following election letter was inadvertently omitted from Tuesday’s election letters page. It is run here with apologies to the candidate. From Whitcomb The allocation and appropriations of Incidental Fee Committee monies will probably be one of the most important endeavors for students to deal with this Spring. This money must reflect the views and needs of the individual person as well as organized interest groups. I find it essential that the I.F.C. be totally aware of these needs and be able to accept the responsibility by putting this as the main focal point of con cern for the committee. In the upcoming year I would like to see an examination of priorities and the possibility of overlap in existing ASUO funded programs. The Day Care Center crisis certainly deserves investigation and as a feminist I would move for support for the women’s movement. Other priorities include; the Oregon Prisoners’ Coalition, Ethnic Group needs, SEARCH, ESCAPE, and ASUO housing. Carol Whitcomb Pcs. 2 Sr. Political Science a_--- rtoilu CmoroM To alleviate the problem, I modestly propose that all the political commodities, future governors, and other aspiring politicians who inhabit the third floor EMU zoo simply resign. However, it is unlikely that any such intelligent action will occur, and I can only offer to my fellow apathetic students the consolation that perhaps it is worth the sacrifice of $17 per term in incidental fees to achieve the peace of mind that would result from ignoring these nasty little boys totally, and allowing them time to reach puberty. I also humbly suggest to the ad ministration and faculty that they will get exactly what they deserve if they accept a co-governance system with the dingalings now running the ASUO. It is eminently clear that the answer to all our problems is to abolish all we can and then ignore everything else. Apathy uber alles! Lee Siegel ex-Senator-unelect- abolishee, Apathy International Fruitcake Party Guilty I know why Wyatt and Loveys are afraid to stand trial for the election violations they are charged with. They are afraid they would be found guilty. Just like Loveys was found guilty of election violations in the primary and in last term’s election. And just like vice president Larry Salmony was found guilty of election violations last year. Charles Roberts Own sandbox I see by the paper today (Feb, 28) that the University Administration is becoming involved in the latest ASUO crisis. I un derstand that Dr. Bogen is preparing a recommendation for President Clark. 1 have a recommendation for you, President Clark. You should stay out of it. Those students who want to reconsider the question can use the Constitutional Amendment process to try to revive the Senate. The Senate was abolished that way and it can be restored that way—1,600 signatures on a petition would put the question back on the ballot. Also, if any student feels wronged by an elected ASUO official that official can be made to stand election if 800 signatures are gathered on a recall petition. But most of all, Dr. Clark, this is not the kind of thing you want to get drawn into. Meddling in student affairs can only bring you to grief. Why not put Dr. Bogen to work straightening out Vemetta Cladwell and leave the student government alone? You should stay in your own sandbox, Dr. Clark. Tim Travis KWAX lacks The campus FM radio station 91.1MC reaches below 1 per cent of the students and faculty at U.O. The listeners of it number about 200 most of the time when we have almost 20,000 campus people. KWAX is run largely by student energy, but directed by faculty and special in terests. They play classical and unusual folk music predominantly. The Division of Broadcast Services is the official con trolling body, but the real authority lies above them in the bureaucracy, up the buck passing line. The purposes behind this programming policy and practice is for power. The material is remote in time and space from the needs and desires of the students. This is done by the faculty thru the scheduling the equipment and using it for traditional instruction. This is typical of college departments that are run by a few who are often out of touch with student problems and consciousness. Very few experimental trips happen there, but KWAX II 12m to 2 a.m. gives a bright exception to the elite ungroovy old music they play. The TV station, PL-3 has basically the same situation. The programs are National Educational Network and local teaching by faculty. Sometimes excellent shows come across, but usually from NET. I wonder if the staff doesn’t want to compete with the other stations in Eugene. KLCC from Lane is now stereo, non-commercial and plays popular stuff, but mostly modem truthful music, and some classical. KWAX-FM and PL-3 could be vastly improved separately and even more by complimentary announcements of special programs that would cross fertilize. The TV message channel could be made more interesting with graphics and good music. It is very boring now. Other departments could contribute material to the stations live and taped. Doing a survey in the Emerald on student preferences on sound, a request line or changing the programs and asking for feedback would help. The power of the hardware and images to increase knowledge and bring people together is great. Maybe the ad ministration thinks the media will make classes obsolete, maybe it will if the professors lag behind the times. Businessmen know that media shapes people’s behavior via advertising. So do we. But we want to use it to cooperate not compete. By expressing the creative awareness of youth to the whole com munity thru the 22,000 TV sets on the cable and the radio waves we need to make. Michael Sprague 470 E. 11th Eugene, Oregon For education Just what kind of priorities does the University have? Last Sunday I went to use the University Library. Upon entering the building I noticed students sitting on the stairs and in the hallways trying to study in the dark. The reading room was filled to capacity and the main part of the library was closed until 2 p.m. It seems utterly absurd that University students should have to study in the dark while some jerk files cards. The Library after all, is supposedly there to serve the needs of the students. I am not the only student to find the library’s limited schedule both in convenient and frustrating. Why can’t the library keep longer hours, especially on weekends when I have no other place to study? If lack of funds is the cause, then some re-ordering of priorities is called for. I am one student who could give a fuck whether or not the University has a win ning football, basketball or whatever team. I came here to get an education, which is what I suppose is the reason most people came here. Jesse Barash Absurdity In reference to Tom Mascott’s article March 2: “In view of Dave Miller’s typically in sipid Jesus-freak commentary of the 16th (of Feb.), we of the atheists’ camp feel obligated to petition for equal time — particularly when our side..(Your own words) What side Tom? Are you picking sides? “Men must not close their doors (and minds) to the real world which we all must function in as usefully as possible.” (Your own words again) It becomes acutely obvious that you are your worst enemy. You have closed some of those doors. What absurdity! No battle of minds Tom. For your in tellectualism and rational reality, as you say, makes more sense (to the novice). But I plead guilty to the simplicity, patience, peace and love which we have in Christ, which you are evidently looking for. Tom, you seem to be looking for awareness and reality, however is your method working? Ron Ritter
