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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (April 5, 1962)
satire THE ALMONDS AND THE CYBERNETRICS HEADS WILL ROLL! barked J. A. Wor shey, President of Worshey Candy Bar Co., “if this almond problem isn’t solved immedi ately !” and he glared menacingly around the conference table. A salty bead of perspiration rolled apprehensively down the brow of ashen faced Millard J. hotter. General Manager in Charge of Xuts. as he started to speak. The Great Man’s air of finality, however, caused him to reconsider and he merely sighed and sat back dejectedly into the confines of the plush leather chair. After all. what more could a man do after he had carefully and completely bought every almond grove from Outer Mon golia to King City? The group of executives crept soberly from the room in the wake of their briskly striding employer; except for nervous little Hrling A. Jones, second in com mand of the Xut Department. He scurried over to his crestfallen chief and patted him softly on the back saying, “Golly, gee-willikers, M.J., there must be something we can do.” “Sure,” said Potter, bravely forcing a condescending smile, “we’ll think of something . . . anything.” Apparently the cloud of impending doom which hung over the Xut division of the Wor shey factory casts its shadow upon other areas as well. A few days after the momentous meet ing, Erling came rushing into the office drag ging a creature behind him which was a cross between Wilt-the-Stilt and a Doberman pins cher, who, as he explained, was one Robert Hawkins, a research chemist for Worshey of great renown. Hawkins, as one may recall, was the man who, almost single-handedly, pioneered the development of the process for transform ing deactivated pitchblende into artifical choc olate candy. He has currently been attempting to duplicate the secret recipe which Zounds uses to make shredded coconut from worn-out white-wall tires. Anyway, he learned of the problem of the depleted almond supply and de cided to submit this idea which had been bounc ing around in his head for some time. “Yeah,” drawled Hawgins, as he hanged his towering cranium on the ceiling lamp. “I figure we can make imitation almonds that will taste more like almonds than the genuine article just by this process I’ve developed for petrifying balsa wood. Add a little simulated almond flavor, and presto, almonds.” “That's it,” shouted Potter excitedly, and without waiting for further ex planation, lie ran down the corridor, howling over throe secretaries, and screeched to a halt in front of a massive teak wood door, up< >n which gigantic letters spelled the name, J. A. Wor shey. “What is it, hotter?" harked the (ireat Man, as he sank a neat six-foot putt across the luxurious carpet, in front of his mammoth desk. ‘‘Well, sir." he narrated, as humbly as possible under the circumstances, "I think I’ve solved the almond problem, sir." "What almond prob lem?" harked Worshov, as he deftly swung his platinum inlaid nine-iron, striking Millard’s left knee. “The problem,” he gasped, falling to the floor, knee-cap in hand, "is that we’re running out of almonds, and it dawned oil me, sir, that maybe we could make artifical almonds, as we make artificial everything else, sir” “Tremen dous idea," barked J. A., as he took another healthy swing, this time catching hotter squarely in the mouth \\ ith hi> gold-monogram med number three-wood, “see that von follow through and I'll put the ad-men right to work on it.” Millard J. hotter was dizzily elated as he staggered from the <ireat Man’s office. "At long last,” he smiled toothlessU to himself, "a chance to really be Mr. Big in this outfit.” It wasn t long before almonds wore being synthetically shelled at a fantastic rate in tin.* Worshey factory. At the same time, the boys mi Madison Ave. were doing their n-ual sterling job. They engineered a magniiicient campaign, whipping the public into a frenzy of anticipa tion for the new concoction soon to issue from the Worshey Candy I'ar Co. The pinnacle of tin* stupendous sequence of events arrived when, on a nation-wide television program, the Great Man himself, J. A. Worshey gave the first artificial milk chocolate, artificiallv fla vored and artitical almond fyes, the first entire ly fake candy bar ever brought into existence) to a lucky lad from the vast studio audience, little Tommy I’hfinster. A million pair- of eyes watched anxiously as the historic confection v. as clumsily unw rapped and the paper thought lessly dropped to the stage. A million throats gulped as Tommy raised his chubby little hand to his mouth and took a greedy lute. The ten i< n was almost unbearable as a million pairs of ears across the nation distinctly heard the muffled crunch of the automated almonds being crum bled between the cavity infested teeth of little Tommy I'hfinster. "Well.” pleaded Kdwiti K. Morrow, the master of ceremonies, "what do you think. Tommy?" A million jaws dropped in stark horror as the young gentleman’s face wrinkled in disgust. "IT,U !" -aid little Tommy I’hfinster. "()ne way to Hindustan," said Mil lard J. Potter to the TWA clerk. "FORK!” barked J. A. Worshey. JOEKOMARMY ( From Lvke) Status Seeking (Continued from (atie J) trend by accidentally wearing in- dad - thirty year-old tweed norfolk to school. It pays to he different. 3. When it conies to seeking office (class, ASL'O, club, any kind), do it. regardless of whether or not you have much chance of w in ning. Perhaps like Adlai Stevenson you can gain great prestige by being a losing candidate. -1. Getting good grades is a plus if you shrug them off. Never let on that you had to study to get them. 5. When you get in a mishap, don’t over look its status-giving possibilities. For exam ple, wearing a cast on your leg can label you as a daring athlete. 6. Develop a taste of things that most peo ple think are sophisticated such as progressive jazz and foreign foods. Study Russian (people will guess that you’re planning on entering the foreign service) and always put a peel of lemon in your coke or salt in your beer. 7. Know where and when the parties are and get to as many of them as you can. When you give parties be sure they are different. A recent party using old auto hubcaps as wall decorations and 1920 college dance tunes was a booming success.
