-A DAY AT THE ZOO
Exam Hysteria Grips Student
By Bob Funk
Emorald Columnist
Out in the mountain fastnesses
of Approaching Hysteria, where
most of the landscape was de
voted to flora and fauna and
effervescent streams cascading
from mossy rock to mossy rock
with gurgling sounds, a Student
woke up in the middle of the
night with a cold, clammy feel
ing.
Anyone was like to wake up
with a cold, clammy feeling in
Approaching Hysteria, because
there was a funny kind of cold
clams that
crawiea inio 5
bed with you j
unless you 3
had a zipper |
for the top. 1
But this was
a figurative
cold - clammy
feeling. 9
Perhaps, the ■
Student!
inougni to WB mm tmtm
himself (and this is not in quotes
because he was thinking it in
side, which is not quotish), I am
having a sudden Fit of Declen
sions. And he took a special grit
ty powder that his Grandma had
given him on Groundhog Day
THERE’S AN "A" IN YOUR FUTURE
if you prepart now with the
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UNIVERSITY CO OP
THt STUO&NT5 OWN STOftf
that was supposed to be good for
Pits of Deelensions. It didn't do
anything but settle, though. And
then he thought perhaps he was
having an attack of Tort, and he
gargled with some charged
branch water, but as usual swal
lowed it all about halfway
through, so he had to give that
up.
And then he remembered. It
was about to be Finals. And
Finals was something that if
you hud a choice of sitting on a
Bunsen Burner for twelve
hours until well browned or
taking Finals, you would sit
on a Bunsen Burner and laugh
heartily all the time you were
browning. Finals was the time
you tried to remember Pi
equals S. Blank-spot-in-my
notes, and the Cosine of a
Whoosis is determined by find
ing the square root of Your
Own True Love and then
laughing hysterically.
He remembered that he had
gone to see his professor about
finals. He had found the profes
sor in the library, filed under
Miscellany, Unbound, by the
Dewey Decimal System.
r
"How do you figure out If a
poem is written by Shelley, or by
Keats, or if it was just acci
dental ?”
“We have to be Intellectually
honest," the professor said, chew
ing abstractly on a verb. "It's
all relative, nowadays. No black
and white, just shades of gray.
It isn’t like the old days when
Joan of Arc and Teddy Roosevelt
and Charles Carrol of Carrolton
were around. You knew good
from bad. Keats and Shelley in
those days. But now all the old
gang's gone, and it’s all Relativ
ity.”
"But how do you tell
"Keats from Shelley." The
professor sighed. “I always look
at the top of the page—it tells
In my book.”
"But on the final?"
"Intellectual honesty always
wins,” the professor said. "I
read that. I think."
Which left the Student feel
ing like there was penicillin or
something growing on the
walls of his stomach. Finals.
The word enveloped and over
f Continued o^pafie seven)
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