I
I Goose Steps |
By Bart Johns
SOX Sports Editor
I'.vrr hear about tin- terifi^athlotic set-up that wav established
over at Hear I Diversity (HI')? Most practical tiling of the half
century. Sit back. We'll tell you about it.
HI was a well-to-do school, see? HI’ was in the western half
of the forest. Years and years before, most of the voting bears in
the west woods had been point; into the armed ser\ ice. The west
woods had to stay strong because the bears over in the cast
w oods were getting some ideas about (.militaristic expansion. So
to stop these ideas, all the bears in the ive-t woods got together
and whipped up a real strong military force.
This is the Way ...
'I lint stopped it. 'flic east hear' kicker] out of their head grizzlic
with the imperialistic ideas and went hack to eating their own
honey. (They had claimed they had to expand because they
didn't have enough honey ; and because the hears in the west
woods were exploiting the bees and it was the fluty of the east
hears, they thought, to 'top this exploitation.)
Anyway, all fear of war between the west woods and the
woods to the east was over, and the necessity for having a
ttrong military force no longer existed. Now, all the young
ears could go back to BU.
And, since the west wood government's monev wasn't being
put into the armed scr\ ices, great amounts of capital were poured
into the institutions of higher learning in the we>l wood'.
Having an alert board of regent hears, BL" got a good cut of
111i' government money. Ami the money could he toed in any w av
to better Bear l 'Diversity. \\ ell, the regent hears thought as they
pa well their fuzzy chin-, things were really going to he nice now.
They could afford to put in new hollow logs all over the campus
(green ones).
And the Only Way . . ,
()f course, the athletic department would get a big boost from
thi- extra money. A new bear-hall stadium was erected. A huge
new field house was planned and huilt. It even had places for
honey concessions built right into the walls.
(It should be mentioned that the Office of Bear Affairs at
BU had long ago forced all the concentrated-honey shops and
distilled-honey shops to move miles from the campus. So the
bears had to settle for plain old ordinary honey concessions at
the bear-ball games and cave dances.)
Well, the III’ athletic department was really loaded now. Had
a fine plant, hired some great coaches. All they needed was a I
bunch of athletes. Now, the west woods had a strict code among I
their institutions of higher learning about paying bear athletes. |
The bear athletes could be paid 75 kopeks a month, and only it1
they worked for it.
To Win Games ...
III.' tried this for a few years. Sometimes they had good teams
and they would pack the stands at bear-hall games. Other years
the team looked as if they should have stayed in their caves every
time they played a game. It just wasn’t practical. Other schools
had graduate hears who would subsidize the athletes—made for
ujl^tir competition.
It was especially bad up at that stinkin' school called Orange
School of Culture (OSC). The rich farmer bears who claimed to
have graduated from OSC paid the Orange athletes handsomely.
So finally the HU regents got together and decided, by jings,
thev’d just withdraw from the league and go professional.
It was a little tough at first. The pros gave them some bad
tnaulings during the first fall that HU entered the pro ranks. Hut
the professional bear-ball games fetched good crowds, and good
crowds paid to get in and bought lots of honey while watching
the games.
Eventually, the money began to really roll in. BU bought
better athletes every year. Eventually BU’s team was beating
the ebst of the pros—even the Angelos Rams were taking a
butting.
Professional bear-ball, if managed right, turned out to be a
danged good business for Hear University. The profits at the end
of each fall were tremendous. The regents could hire the best
lecturing bears and build the best dormitory-caves for the coed
bears. (Bear sororities had been abolished years before. They
wouldn’t let their girl bears go out with black bears or any other
bears of a different color.)
And Make Money
The other schools were still going along winning once in
affile and losing most of the time. Ail the good athletes were
going from cub directly to BU.
Now, is that a practical athletic set-up or isn’t it? BU is rolling
in money, (lot lots of fine buildings and the best profs. And the
bear-ball team. Boy ! What a squad this next year-line averages
835 pounds (they imported some Kodiaks).
The Chose
Olympic Rules
Are Modified;
USSR Profits
By JOaiRrald KorHgn News Bureau
Officials of the International
Olympic Committee announced to
day that the pole vaulting rules
have been changed for the 1952
Olympic Games.
The height of the vault will be
correlated with the age of the par
ticipant in determining the winner.
This is thought to be a concession
to Soviet Russia, the Games’ new
est participant.
"Joseph Stalin, renowned U.8.S.R.
premier, indicated previously that
he would enter thaevent if he could
be certain of victory.
“ As the inventor of this here pole
vault,” he said in his Georgian dia
lect, “Ah think ad deserve to win.
Don't you all ?”
Premier Stalin further insisted
that the stands at Juntura, Ore.,
the site of the Olympics, be com
pletely evacuated for safety reasons
while he performs.
"I may even enter the broad
jump," the aged vaulter sighew!
with a suggestive leer. “Broads!
have interested me since I was 11
years old."
The coach of the United States
track entry was noncommittal
when questioned about the new de
velopment. Harry Truman, bom
bastic seller of hats, was committal
but his comments have been cen
sored into nothingness.
-SDX
TBP Continues
IM Dominance
Theta Beta Pugh took advantage
of a forfeit Friday to win the all
campus table tennis tourney.
The Thetas attempted to play off
their final match with the Crew
man Klub Friday but their oppo
nets had gone home for the week
end. Intramural Director Saul R.
Hogwashke upheld them in their
demand for a forfeit.
The Crewman Klubbers had
waited three weeks for the Theta's
to play them. The Thetas' national
vice chairman, I. M. Bibe, was
visiting them through this period,
and they were kept busy enter
taining him.
"It was most unfortunate that
we had to win by forfeit," gurgled
Coach Tympany Glockenspeil. "But
we called five minutes before the j
match was to start. I don't know
what else we could have done."
Ho explained that the match had
to be played Friday for another
guest, a representative of the
Lucky Lager Brewing Co., arrived
Saturday and will remain with
them until the end of the term.
Director Hogwashke, a Theta
alum himself, chuckled "It's kinda
embarrasin' for dem Thetas to keep
winnin' all dere games by forfuts.”
-SDX—
UO Officials Honor
High School Youth
Dean Parsons, Eugene High i
senior, was named today as captain
of the Oregon football team for
1951.
"We had to do something to
get him here,” rasped Coach
James Aching.
He intimated that Lincoln High
School's Wade Halbrook and all j
seven of his feet might receive
a similar honor in basketball.
"This sure beats giving them con
vertibles, "Aching concluded.
SDX
Basketball Coach
(Continued from pane four)
Johnson's only answer was: "I
am sorry I did it, but I guess that
guy Strand will stop shouting
about my figure when I go out on
the court.”
—-SDX
If all the Sigma Nil’s who have
been awarded "O” letters were
stood side by side, it would be the
biggest iine-up of brain-power of
this type since the Paleolithic age.
White Hope for Warren
NEW .1 C TRANSFER Flitlus Nethead, above, announced over tbe
weekend his plans to attend the University of Oregon next vear. Net
head was chosen all-junior college forward last year. Oregon hoop
authorities figure the discipline committee won’t get Nethead because
thf* lanky fellow won’t talk—he'H mute.
Larson Chosen
Miss Lorna Larson, junior in
Journalism was chosen last week
as the outstanding woman athlete
at Oregon for 1950-51.
SDX makes this award each
spring to some husky young thing
on the Oregon campus.
Miss Larson specializes in moun
tain climbing. She climbed to new
heights this year.
SDX
Do you read Emerald ads? Some 1
of them are a scream—especially j
the classifieds.
Butane Honored
Donald M. Butane, IT. O. snooper,
has been chosen as the outstanding
athletic supporter for the school
year of 1950-51 by SD.\. Congratu
lations, Mr. Butane.
HAND DIPPED
Chocolates &• Fudge
Made in Eugene
SUGAR PLUM
63 E. Broadway
FACTS ABOUT EUGENES
WATER & ELECTRIC UTILITIES
Eugene average
residential electric
rate is 1.14 cents per
kilowatt hour. This
is one of the lowest
residential rates in
the United States.
ElGENE ftAfER iTtCTRIC BOARD
CAN YOU COMPLETE THIS REBUS J
/ The answer is an "often quoted" saying by a
famous American.^
I +@-ICE+^-KE+T +
^-ON + ^ - LL + O-NG
- GHT + 4§ - IMBLE + AN +
^-ENT+ l+^f-COY+NT=
Delicious, chocolaty,
chewy.Tops in quality.