Pink’s Lemon-Aid
By JOHN PINK
LAST Friday a friend of mine had to go to Portland. He had
an important afternoon class which he didn’t want to be absent from
because the instructor weighed the attendance record rather heavily
in the final reckoning. It was a large class. I asked him if the
instructor knew him. He said no, that all the instructor did was
to look and see if the seats were occupied.
Then seed for a new campus racket began to stir and sprout
in my mind. I said to my friend, “Well, why not have me sit in
your seat for the hour. I'll take some notes and if the old boy
doesn’t call on me, we can’t miss.” This was very agreeable to him.
So I went to class, and did all right.
THE MOKE I have been thinking about that little episode the
more I am convinced that I could start a profitable enterprise with
a company, Class Substitutes, Ltd.
Here is the general idea. If business, or too much pleasure the
night before, makes class attendance an extreme difficulty some
day, you don't have to worry. Just phone the company, give all
the details as to location of class, type, instructor's idiosyncrasies,
your seat, the girl’s name you sit next to, her phone number, and
whatever else you may think relevant.
A :k A :U
THEN MY company sends a man, or a girl depending on the
sex of the customer, to the class, the seat is occupied for the fifty
minutes, much longer in Professor Marder’s class, and attendance
record kept intact. That sounds very simple and logical doesn’t it ?
Of course, my company wouldn’t be able to invade the smaller
classes as the instructors are usually acquainted with the physical
peculiarities of their students and can spot an interloper before
the class is half over.
BUT FOR the large classes, and there are certainly plenty of
them, the company could do a thriving business. Don’t get the idea
that this won't cost you anything. The fees will be on a graduated
scale.
In a class where there is no chance of the substitute being
called on, the fee would be small, for the company man .could sleep
through the whole session. In a class where he might be quizzed,
but is not expected to give an intelligent answer, the price would
be slightly higher.
THEN IF there were a certainty of being made to recite, and you
wanted an assured correct answer, the fee would go up considerably.
If the instructor springs a surprise quiz on one of the company men,
there would be a stiff additional tax of course, for these things
would call for a great deal of initiative on the part of our man.
I can forsee nothing but success for my proposed venture. Soon,
some of the lads more heavily laden with rocks than sense, will
become permanent customers, and Class Substitutes, Ltd., will go
to school for them every day, while they occupy their time with
tasks of not so puzzling natures. I wouldn’t like to see the plan
go that far, but in business, one must be hard and tough.
SIDE SHOW
(Continued from page six)
The senate agreed with Roosevelt, but the house and 150,000
telegram-senders did not. It seems to us that FDR has slipped
again in evaluating his political strength and popularity.
As we said during the dark ages of the court reorganization
plan, Roosevelt has almost always won our vote as an excellent
politician, an astute creator of popular sentiment in his favor. Oc
casionally, however, the lord of Hyde Park makes mistakes. One
of them was the court mill, another “Ku Klux Klan” Black. Not
satisfied with these he is now adding government reorganization,
which looked like a rival to the others last week.
There seems to be slim chances for this as a “conciliatory”
attitude is appearing already, which should be gratifying to the
violent critics. Commendations should be handed to Roosevelt for
this, with a footnote asking why he didn’t conciliate before he
started the whole thing.
As the situation stands today Roosevelt will probably pull
some type of reorganization bill out of the shambles, a number
of senators, representatives, and constituents will be sore for a
while—and eventually, if we wait long enough—the much-needed
re-vamping will be accomplished.
Hours for Carnegie
Music Room Given
Students interested in hearing
operas, concertos, band concert
numbers, and other musical com
positions by the great masters,
are invited to visit the Carnegie
music room, located in the school
of music.
The room, supplied with an
electric phonograph, a piano, and
a library of scores and records,
is open to anyone who wishes to
Represented for Xational Advertising by
National Advertising Service, Inc.
College Publishers Representative
420 Madison Ave., Xew York, X.Y.
Chicago, Boston. Los Angeles,
San Francisco
1937 Member 1933
Associated Collegiate Press
Bruce Curry. X'atl. Adv. Mgr.
Assistant, Jean Kneass,
Dorthea Wray, Circulation Mgr.
Keith Osburne, Tues. Adv. Mgr.
Assistants: Jay T. Monahan, Roland
Roxoman, Joan Davenport.
come. Open hours of the Carne
gie music room |during spring
term are from, 8 a.m. to 11 a.m
on Monday, Wednesday and Fri
day. On Tuesday, Thursday, anc
Saturday it is open until noon ir
the morning and every afternoon
except Sunday, from 1 to 6.
Research Fund
Received From
Science Council
A fund from the Social Science
Research Council, for the comple
tion of the work in the Catlow
!
cave area of Eastern Oregon, has
been received by Dr. L. S. Cress
man, director of the natural historj
museum, and leader of the expedi
tion into the cave region.
This fund, which will cover pri
marily the preparation of manu
scripts and plates in natural his
tory, has been given in additior
to the Carnegie grant for fielc
work.
|
I
Carving Out a New World Destiny
'T'HE world, it has been stated reliably, is
In a very bad state. On the jittery, jig
saw map of Europe the paunchy shadow of
Swami-led Dictator Hitler looms large. And
Signor Mussolini, aching for the spotlight,
thumbs his nose at the British Lion and en
gages in pinching its tail at the same time.
( i his is a very difficult feat and no one but
Signor Mussolini should try it because it takes
a man with a long reach.)
And just look at China. Despite an ear
nest effort—partially backed by the Russian
Bear who. it is said, has run out of cannon
fodder on his native steppes—to make China
safe for the propagation and living of native
Chinese the bets are up that the Little Brown
Men will turn into St. Georges and make the
dragon into a very tired dragon. There are
even those who predict that there will soon
be on the market miniature dragons stamped
“Made in China—by Japan.”
# # »
■y^THLE we’re on this Cook’s tour, stop for
a moment in Spain. By the liberal use
of German machine gunners, Russian bomb
ers, Italian tanks and infantry the war gods
have transformed tranquil Spain into one of
Hell's suburbs. It is said by those who have
spent time there that the devil takes daily
strolls about the peninsula and is even con
sidering opening a (branch office to take
care of the increase in business.
In the1 midst of this the aspirin manufac
turers are getting rieh and the Bromo Seltzer
hoys are buying Cadillacs. It's enough to
give anyone a headache.
I here is one remedy for the entire situa
tion that has not been suggested, however,
despite the headaches contracted thinking up
solutions. It s simple, involves no mental
eflort whatsoever, and keeps tin* doers so
busily engaged that he has no time to deter
mine the effectiveness of a hand-grenade
tilled with chunks of iron.
>* >» >!*
suggest the world turn to whittling
as a means of solving its difficulties.
Picture the result: Everywhere men would bo
seated, their rusted rifles forgotten, with a
sharp knife in one hand and a likely-feeling
chunk of wood in the other. Their jaws would
be busy masticating tobacco—this would help
business—and the seats of their pants would
be worn through rapidly, which would aid
the clothiers.
Possible dangers in the scheme lie in the
rapid felling of trees that would have to take
place to keep the whittlers busy. This might
well result in a forest famine which would in
turn result in floods which could possibly
drown all those concerned.
But by and large it is better to perish by
flood than by the well-sharpened bayonet.
It's so much cleaner and it saves congress the
headache of a bonus.— R. P.
Campus
Calendar
The Hawaii club will meet at 4
o’clock at the Side.
Master Dance will meet tonight
at 7:30 instead of the regular
Wednesday night meeting. All!
members be present.
Christian Mission
May Appear Here
During Fall Term
First official action was taken
by the Faculty Committee on Re
ligious and Spiritual activities,
members of the University ad
ministration, and the Student
Christian council to bring to the
campus next October the Univer
sity Christian Mission.
The mission will include such
personages as E. Stanley Jones,
Muriel Lester, and Douglas Hor
ton.
The mission |has a three-fold
objective in coming to Oregon:
to present an intellectual, evan
gelistic, and practical demonstra
tion of the need of Christianity
in the lives of the American col
lege student.
_ The Mission executive commit
tee representing the students and
faculty, elected Monday night, are
Professor Charles Howard, Dean
Victor P. Morris, Ruth Ketchum,
I Vic Goff, and Mary Louise Hol
land.
Other prospective and tenta
tive leaders of the team are: T.
Z. Koo, Max Adams, Stanley
Hyde, Bryan Green, Grace Sloan
Overland, Kirby Page, Albert
' Palmer, and Charles P. Taft.
Class Makes Study
Of Primitive Design
A class of freshmen in normal
arts, under the direction of Maude
I. Kerns, instructor in art, is us
ing the natural history museum
as a classroom for design study.
The class is making a study of
primitive design of all types, in
an effort to gain the idea of the
art, after which they will return
to the art buildings and create
in the mood and spirit of the
primitive art.
History Head Starts
New Year as Editor
With the publishing of the
March issue of the Oregon His
torical Quarterly, Professor R. C.
Clark, head of the history depart
ment, began his second year as
editor of the magazine.
Professor Clark is tne author
of two articles appearing in the
recent issue of the quarterly. He
also edited a story entitled, "Ex
periences of a Chaplain at Fort
Vancouver."
Pledge List Given
By Dean's Office
Pledges to fraternities released
yesterday by the dean of men’s*
office are Robert C. Belloni and
Jim DeMeqrleer, Sigma Alpha
Epsilo^ Walter Sether, Sigma
Chi; J. Max Herndon. Kappa Sig
ma; Don Mabee, Phi Delta The
ta; Till Stone, Alpha Tau Omega;
and George Saint, Pi Kappa Al
pha.
Send the Emerald home. Yi/ur
folks will enjoy leading- it.
.ftS
You will find it much more conven
ient, comfortable end enjoyable to
go home by Greyhound. Tares aio
• Y3 the cost of driving your own cor.
JlotU ItoMK&blipA
'EXAMPLES:
Portland $3.73
Salem „. 2.15
Corvallis . 1.25
Medford . 6.60
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