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About The united American : a magazine of good citizenchip. (Portland, Or.) 1923-1927 | View Entire Issue (June 1, 1926)
THE UNITED AMERICAN Bits of Humor for the Home Circle and the Fireside Why Daniel got away from the lions.— The colored parson discoursing, in a ser mon on “Daniel in the Lions’ Den,” finally roared: “Now kin enny ob you sinners tell me why the lion did not eat Daniel?” No one answered. “Well, Ah’l tell yer, yer onnery bunch o’ onbelievers,” he yelled; “’twas ’cos the most o’ him waz back bone an’ the rest was grit.” Teacher—Johnny, I’m only punishing you because I love you. Johnny—I wish I. was big enough to return your love. —Black and Blue Jay. Justifiable Doubt.— Spouse: John, what time is it? Slightly Inebriate: I can’t tell. There’s two hands on this watch and I don’t know which to believe. . —Brown Jug. called a taxi. Then he escorted four slightly inebriated males from the foyer. “This guy (putting him in the far cor ner) goes to Washington boulevard. This one (putting him in the near corner) goes to West Street. This fellow (put ting him in the middle) goes to the Wood Apartments, and this one (putting him on the jumper seats) goes to Glenwood Avenue.” The taxi driver nodded and gave his yellow the gas. In about five minutes he was back. Calling the bell hop he said: “Say! Would you rear range these guys? I went over a bump and they all got mixed up.” —Grinnell Malteaser. Mixed Foursomes Over the hills to the poorhouse, Father and mother and I— Mother bought mining stock, father tried oil, And that is the reason why. —D.D. A colored woman applied some van ishing cream to her face before retir- mg. The next morning her husband found only an ink spot on the pillow. —Pennsylvania Punch Bowl. Modern Censorship.—“Literary cen sors certainly are loyal to their occupa tion.” “You mean?” “They’ve even come to the point where they suppress their own yawns.” —Satyr. Dressed up to sell.—A gentleman from Kentucky was in the act of sell ing, a somewhat aged horse. The pros pective buyer desired to take the animal for a run around the block, but the seller feared that the horse’s age would tell on him by his heavy breathing. Seller: “Look how the sun shines on the critter. Did you ever see such a pretty coat on a horse?” Buyer: “Yes, I like his coat but I don’t like his pants.” —Okla. Whirlwind. Useless.—An ambulance driver, an swering a hurry call for an auto accident, found nothing worse than an exasperated motorist and a car stalled in the mud. “Say,” said the driver: “I thought you said you wanted a pulmotor?” “I did/’ returned the car owner, “but how in the deuce are you going to pull me out with that?” Am. Legion. A Yellow Cab Highball.— It was mid night. .. .the bell hop of the Hotel Munn ing. On a very hot night it is some times almost one hundred and twenty- five beats to the minute. If a storm cools the air, the cricket’s beat may drop even to sixty to the minute. Just for practice.— Condemned pris oner: “Warden, I need exercise, I do.’ Warden: “Exercise? What kind of exercise do you want ? ” Prisoner: “Oh, I’d just like to skip the rope!” —Pennsylvania Punch Bowl. Exasperatingly severe.—“Hang ’em all, anyway!” exploded the judge who couldn’t make up his mind regarding three fellows who were being tried for murder. —Minn. Ski-U-Mah. It came by mail.—“Pa, what’s a post graduate?” “A fellow who graduates from one of those correspondence schools, I suppose.” '—Pitt Panther. For looks.—A Gentleman who is con stantly being told that he is an ugly customer would like to meet some pretty fellow with whom he could ex change looks. —Brown Jug. observing customer.—“That’s Up-to-date.—Doctor, don’t you find it inconvenient to travel miles to see me?” “Oh, no I have another patient near here, so I get the chance to kill two birds with one stone.” —Brown Jug. Page Nineteen Experienced. — “This blankety-blank motor is on the bum! snapped the sheik. “We’re stalled!” “Quit your kidding and drive up the next lane,” cooed the sheba. “It’s too public here.” “Don’t get fresh. The blamed thing is really stalled.” A qualification to fame.—Our nomina tion for the Hall of America’s Dumb is the guy who stopped for half an hour at the railroad crossing, waiting for the Stop sign to change. —Wash. Dirge. iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiK LIGHT POWER HEAT Northwestern Electric Co< Washington at Tenth PORTLAND, ORE. The place to trade STAPLES ordered cut the The Jeweler 266 Morrison Street “Aw, gee, what’s the use?” expost ulated the boy, “you’ll just water it and make it grow again.” Exasperation.—A nervous old lady had been pestering a railroad station agent with countless questions. “Can you tell me how to make a con nection with the eastbound train?” she asked for perhaps the twentieth time. “Stand right in the middle of the track, madame,” advised the weary official. Well trained.—“Why do you throw all the soiled linen out in the hall, Hilda?” asked the mistress. “Tis just a little trick I learned when I was workin’ in the hotel, mum,” re plied the new maid modestly. There is a curious connection between the temperature and the singing of crickets. The greater the heat, the more rapid is the beat of the cricket’s chirp- DENTIST Regular office hours every day Evenings by appointment 805-807 Journal Building Cor. Yamhill and Broadway, Portland, Ore, Phone Main 4389 DR. LEIF UNDERDAHL DENTIST and Combination Bridge Work a Specialty Office: 1221 Selling Building Sixth and Alder, Portland, Oregon Plate Reg. Office Hours Place Your Orders With The United American Advertisers—and Tell Them Why Eve. by Appointment