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About The united American : a magazine of good citizenchip. (Portland, Or.) 1923-1927 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 1, 1924)
18 Not one of you was born here. You’re welcome to this country, of course, but you really oughtn’t to forget what you owe us natives who open our doors to you.” ‘‘Maybe, maybe,” said an Irishman in the party thoughtfully, “Mayb’e. But there’s one thing you seem to forget; I came into this country wid me fare paid an’ me clothes on me back. Can you say the same?” — Tit-Bits. THE UNITED AMERICAN SEPTEMBER, 1924 might find the following illustration on limited grafting as applied by a vener able church deacon of Andover, both instructive and helpful. The old fellow was suspected of tampering with the church collections. A couple of clumsy traps which had been set for him had failed to work. Then one day one of the younger deacons walked past the house of the suspected brother, leading a young horse he had just bought. “That’s a fine horse, deacon,” the old fellow shouted. “Did you buy him at the fair?” “Yes,” said the deacon. Then, as the other came nearer, he added: “I bought him with my pickings out of the collection plate.” The old man looked horrified. “Good gracious!” he said, “I’ve often taken enough myself to buy a hat or a pair of trousers; but, deacon, in takin’ enough to buy a horse, ain’t ye com- mittin’ a positive sin?” NOT IN SOCIETY A friend of James Whitcomb Riley once told of an occasion when the humorist, who usually disliked social function, was induced to attend a “literary” dinner in Indianapolis given in honor of one of the novelists which that city boasted. Riley had been told to take in to dinner a sister of the host, an excellent woman, but not “literary.” The conversation touching upon the beauties of Chaucer, about whom a certain set of the city was then culti vating a fad, a spirited discussion en ANTEDILUVIAN sued, during which the bewildered sister Little 4-year-old Allen had been given caught from time to time only the name “Chaucer.” At last, she whispered to a “Noah’s Ark” on his birthday. One day he put the animals all in, shut the Riley: “Who is this Mr. Chaucer they’re door and sat silent for some time. “What are you waiting for, Allen?” talking so much about? Is he very asked his mother. popular in society?” “Waiting for it to rain,” he replied. “Madam,” solemnly responded Riley, “that man did something that forever UP TO DATE shuts him out of society.” “Do you always allow the minister “Heavens,” exclaimed the worthy who marries you to kiss you?” asked woman, “and what was that?” “He died several hundred years ago,” ■the lady with the alimony expression of the lady with the half dozen wedding said Riley. — Kansas City Times. rings arranged as bangles on her LIVE AND LET LIVE bracelet. “Dear me, no!” smiled the latter. A neatly attired but somewhat wan faced middle-aged Italian woman, dressed “That is so horribly old fashioned, my in black, leading a little boy with each dear! But I always kiss the judge who hand, called at a lawyer’s office in the divorces me.”-—Life. Land Title building recently and ar NAMED PROBERLY ranged with him to apply for a divorce. “What’s that you call your mule?” After going over the history of her case, “I call him Corporation,” answered the lawyer said: “Well, I suppose you want to get the old colored man. “How did you come to give him such alimony?” In slightly accented, though nearly a name?” “F’um studying’ de animal an’ readin’ perfect English, thé client replied: “I would just like to get part of the money, de papers. Dat mule gits mo’ blame an’ abuse dan anything else in de town that’s all.” — Philadelphia Record. ship an’ goes ahead havin’ his own way, APPLYING PRINCIPLES TO jes’ de same.” — Washington Star. GRAFTING Office holders and others who are A PROPHETIC SOUL using -their positions for a little financial “Hamlet was a man of intensely gain here and there where they can get melancholy moods,” remarked the stu away with it, who consider that a little dent. rakeoff is not a matter of public con “Yes,” answered Mr. Stormington cern and something that goes with a Barnes. “Perhaps he foresaw some of poorly paid job of public stewardship, the interpretations of his character that ¿ItilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllltllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIQ | Phone Main 1165 | Dr. Harold 6. Trommald | 1 | | ¿UllIllllllilllllillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllHlIllllllllllllllllillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllilllU DENTIST Regular office hours every day Evenings by appointment 805-807 Journal Building Cor. Yamhill and Broadway, Portland, Ore. | DR. WALTER J. LARSON I | 803-804 Broadway Bldg. Cor. Bd’wy & Morrison Portland, Oregon | .TmiiiiiiitiuiiiiuiiiiiiiiiHiiiiuiitiimimittiuiiiiiiiuiiiiimniHiiiiHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiniik8 been MISUNDERSTOOD WARNING To illustrate how the simplest propo sition should be set out with the utmost care in the wording, to avoid misunder standing, dissent, even anger, the follow- ing incident is a case in point: A train was moving forth from a Cincinnati station when a man stuck his head far out of the window. “Keep your head in there,” a station attendant shouted in warning, “or it will be knocked off.” “Knocked off!” shouted the passenger. “Knocked off, eh? Well, it won’t be knocked off by anybody the size of you, you bandy-legggd shrimp!” —Philadelphia Record. A JUDICIAL PRIVILEGE The following story of Justice Dar ling is too good to lose. He was dining at a friend’s house, and the conversa tion turned on some debatable topic. One of the guests expressed his own views at some length and with some heat. Suddenly he said to the judge: “I observe that your lordship shakes his head at that statement. I desire to reaffirm it, although your lordship dis sents.” “I am not aware,” coldly responded the judge, “that I have intimated, how I shall construe your arguments, nor what my decision will be in the event of my entering into this discussion. Your remark is, therefore, entirely un called for.” “But your lordship shook his head.” “True,” said the judge, “there was a fly on my .ear. And I’ll have you know, sir, that I reserve the right to remove a fly in whatever manner pleases me.” — Pearson’s. SOME PEOPLE ARE THAT WAY j “How’s times?” inquired a tourist. ’ “Oh, pretty tolerable,” responded the old native who was sitting on a stump. “I had some trees to cut down, but a cyclone come along and saved me the trouble.” “Fine.” “Yes, and then the lightning set fire to the brush pile and saved me the trouble of burin’ it.” “Remarkable. But what are yon doing now?” “Oh, nothin’ much. Just waitin’ for an earthquake to come along and shake the potatoes out of the ground.”— Everybody’s Magazine. UHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIilllllllllllllllllllllllltlllllllllilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll""' 1111111^ | Phone Main 4389 I DR. LEIF UNDERDAHL I ; | DENTIST and Combination Bridge ; Work a Specialty Office: 1221 Selling Building Sixth and Alder, Portland, Oregon | Reg. Office Hours- | Dentist i | Phone Main 7909 my professional rivals have giving.” — Washington Star. Plate i i Eve. by Appointment i ?iiifiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!imiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!iiiiiniiii-' I Place Your Orders With The United American Advertisers—and Tell Them Why