Wednesday, March 18, 2020 The Nugget Newspaper, Sisters, Oregon
23
Commentary...
Five strategies for parenting for resilience
By Mitchell L. Luftig, Ph.D
Correspondent
Parents who want their
children to grow up to be
strong independent adults
must learn to parent for
resilience. Resilience is the
ability to bounce back from
stressful events and hard-
ship4a kind of emotional
toughness that enables a
child to handle their sad-
ness and emotional pain in
a healthy way so that a chal-
lenging situation does not
overwhelm them. A child
who practices the founda-
tional skills for resilience
improves the odds that as
an adult they will be able to
stand up to whatever chal-
lenges they face.
Resilience is something
a child must develop over
time; it cannot be awarded
like a gold star. The prov-
ing ground for resilience is
the neighborhood, school-
yard, classroom, and home
where a child must learn to
cope with taunting, being
ignored, being picked on,
being excluded, and being
bullied. As children attempt
to navigate this proving
ground, they will often feel
sad, upset, hurt, mad or dis-
appointed. Unable to toler-
ate their children9s pain-
ful emotions, parents may
be tempted to swoop in to
end their children9s ordeal.
However, children who
learn to depend upon adults
to fight their battles for
them may never acquire the
self-confidence and skills
they need to stand up for
themselves.
Parents can learn to tol-
erate their children9s emo-
tional pain by practicing new
strategies to support their
children and help them grow
into resilient adults. Here
are five strategies offered by
Ruth Wyatt, MA, LCSW at
Good Therapy (www.good-
therapy.org):
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" Empathy: Let your child
know that you understand
their feelings, even when
their own behavior caused
hurt to another; let them
see that you can accept and
handle their feelings, that
you are not overwhelmed by
them, no matter what they
are. As Mr. Rogers put it,
<Anything that9s human is
mentionable, and anything
that is mentionable can be
more manageable. When
we can talk about our feel-
ings, they become less over-
whelming, less upsetting,
and less scary. The people
we trust with that important
talk can help us know that
we are not alone.=
" Meaning Making: Ask
questions about a difficult
event (rather than offering
advice or an opinion); this
will help your child make
sense of what happened,
which in turn will enable
them to feel less frightened,
upset, or overwhelmed by
the situation.
" Problem Solving:
Brainstorm possible solu-
tions to a problem or con-
flict. Role-play the most
promising solutions so
that your child can decide
which one is most viable.
Alternatively, speculate with
your child about how they
would feel if they were to
employ each strategy.
" Tolerating Uncertainty:
Help your child learn to
manage situations outside of
their control (e.g., serious ill-
ness of a parent) by offering
hope and reassurance.
" Modeling Resilience:
Ensure that personal inse-
curities don9t interfere with
your own ability to model
resilience by examining
habitual responses to failure,
loss, disappointment, and
uncertainty. Courageous par-
ents turn toward the source
of their distress, rather than
away, and by desensitizing
themselves to their emo-
tional pain they learn to
respond adaptively to stress
and hardship.
Parents who wish to
increase resilience should
model their behavior after
those who already demon-
strate considerable resil-
ience in their lives. Resilient
individuals cope with failure
by viewing misfortune as
an invitation to act compas-
sionately towards those who
are dealing with similar dif-
ficulties, by viewing failure
as an opportunity to dem-
onstrate courage in the face
of adversity, and by main-
taining a realistic view of
their setbacks (no building
mountains out of molehills).
Resilient individuals
manage loss by accept-
ing change as part of life
(e.g., children grow up and
leave home, parents age
and die). Resilient people
rebound from disappoint-
ment by drawing strength
and motivation from memo-
ries of past successes and
by remaining optimistic that
over time their actions will
lead to success.
Rather than clinging to a
memory of the way things
used to be, resilient indi-
viduals address uncertainty
by acknowledging a change
of circumstance (e.g., an
elderly person may no lon-
ger be able to drive safely).
Resilient people practice
regular self-care. Resilient
individuals surround them-
selves with a network of
supportive individuals; when
they find themselves strug-
gling they seek help and
understanding.
Parents can play an active
role in helping their children
practice resilience. However,
children only learn to bounce
back from adversity through
direct experience, requiring
parents to learn to tolerate
their children9s upset feel-
ings and restrain themselves
from stepping in to manage
their children9s problems for
them. Parents best support
the growth of their children9s
resilience through acts of
empathy, meaning-making,
problem-solving, tolerating
uncertainty and modeling
resilience.
Mitchell L. Luftig, Ph.D.
is a semi-retired clinical psy-
chologist living in Sisters,
Oregon. He is the author of
the Kindle book <Six Keys
to Mastering Chronic Low-
Grade Depression.= You can
visit his website at: www.
masterchronicdepression.
com.
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