Wednesday, March 18, 2020 The Nugget Newspaper, Sisters, Oregon
Your Story
MATTERS
Audry Van Houweling, PMHNP
Columnist
Sex, spirit
and shame
Let9s talk about sex.
Let9s talk about spirituality.
Let9s talk about shame. The
interplay between the three
are powerful, complex, and
deserve honest discussion.
When we talk about the
need to feel known, the free-
dom to be vulnerable, the
drive to connect with and
understand, to give and to
receive, are we talking about
sexuality or are we talking
about spirituality? When
we lie naked with another,
versus baring our soul to a
greater power, is the implied
vulnerability and trust really
so different? Could it be that
sexuality is one of the most
powerful means of express-
ing spirituality and that spiri-
tuality is a primary means of
bringing meaning to sexuality?
Unfortunately, our society
and in particular, popular cul-
ture and religious institutions
do not always acknowledge,
and many times deny, the
implicit correlations between
sexuality and spirituality.
Sexuality and spirituality
are too often in opposition
to each other, rather than
allowed to coexist and feed
each other in the symbiotic
relationship they ought to.
This societally driven divorce
allows too much room for
tension, shame, hiding, and
perversion.
Popular culture too often
portrays sex as a physical
transaction with the primary
goal being pleasure versus
intimacy. Thoughtfulness
and respect can at times be
lost as there may be a refusal
or denial to acknowledge the
meaning behind such vul-
nerability. Popular culture
also generally prioritizes and
favors the pleasure and pur-
suits of men versus women.
By too often depicting sex
as a masculine-driven, hedo-
nistic venture, our society
diminishes the value of true
intimacy, which can so too
fracture the connections to
soul and spirit. A person can
have a lot of sex with very
little intimacy and despite so
many physical interactions, it
can be altogether lonely.
Religious institutions too
often go too far in denounc-
ing sexual expression or
feelings of pleasure. The
emphasis on modesty can
too often be married with
shame as women and girls
especially are made to feel
that the universal urge to
physically connect with
somebody must be sup-
pressed and unseen. Implied
in this belief is the notion
that suppression of sexuality
is somehow associated with
an exalted spiritual state and
that pleasure is an impedi-
ment to devotion. Sadly, this
has at times created a culture
of hiding that only bolsters
feelings of shame. Particular
harm can come when persons
of authority representing a
faith or set of spiritual beliefs
exploit their power and abuse
another. Too often has this
happened, too many stories
where simultaneously the
beauty of sexuality and spiri-
tuality are tarnished amid
trauma.
Popular culture too often
exalts the body9s pleasure to
the point of denying the spirit
while religious institutions
too often exalt the spirit to the
point of denying the physical
body. There can be severe
consequences with both.
The majority of my cli-
ents are women and girls.
Both popular culture and reli-
gious institutions historically
also objectify the female
body. Too often, whether a
woman is wearing a string
bikini or head-to-toe cloak,
her virtue and desirability are
still reduced to her external
appearance, and either the
expression, or suppression of
her sexuality. She may wres-
tle with modesty being asso-
ciated with virtue while the
display of her body is associ-
ated with desirability. When
it comes to sexual expres-
sion, women and girls fre-
quently feel damned if they
do, damned if they don9t. A
woman9s appearance should
never be the sole gauge to
measure either virtue or
desirability. She is ultimately
far more complex. I will cel-
ebrate the day when women
universally are given room to
be desirable, sexual, and yes,
virtuous all together.
Too often our experience
with sexuality and/or spiritu-
ality is fractured by trauma,
abuse, or corruption, and we
can be left struggling to truly
connect, find intimacy, and
meaning. In extremes, we
might try to deny these needs
or trivialize them. Trauma
can be complex, and so too
can be responses to trauma.
Sexual trauma can cause
some to isolate and withdraw
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from physical intimacy, while
others may seek some level
of control or pleasure amid so
much pain by allowing risky
or dangerous situations to
repeat themselves. Spiritual
trauma can similarly lead to
isolation, fear of closeness,
mistrust, poor self-value,
and lack of meaning. Sexual
trauma and spiritual trauma
may happen apart from one
another, but the impact is
very often bidirectional, and
shame can encapsulate each.
Rather than trying so hard
to buttress the unsustainable
barrier of shame our society
often wedges between spiri-
tuality and sexuality, per-
haps we can do a better job
of acknowledging the beauty
that can come when they are
allowed to coexist and sup-
port one another. By continu-
ing to divide sexuality and
spirituality we are doing our-
selves (men and women) no
favors, as we may feel pres-
sure to fulfill unrealistic roles
that leave too much room for
judgement 4 against our-
selves and others.
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