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About The nugget. (Sisters, Or.) 1994-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 12, 2020)
Wednesday, February 12, 2020 The Nugget Newspaper, Sisters, Oregon 7 Owning my wellness to love you more — a Valentine’s Day promise Your Story MATTERS Audry Van Houweling, PMHNP Columnist One could name a lot of reasons to be stressed these days. Putting aside per- sonal concerns, simply turn- ing on the news can raise anybody9s blood pressure. Much of our social economy thrives on fear-based mes- saging that adds to unease and uncertainty. Finances, family stress, job woes, aca- demic pressure, stable hous- ing, and social isolation are among many anxieties we might be facing. Feelings of overwhelm, worry, and pes- simism can be hard to dodge. Even worse can be feel- ings of powerlessness and hopelessness. When such negativity gains a tight grip, we can lose sight of our own agency and may feel that the pow- ers that be have ultimately failed us. Certainly, there is something to be said for very real systemic oppression that makes stability for some near impossible. That is another soap-box for another day, but for many of us, our feelings cannot be purely blamed on circumstance, but are very much the product of the story we tell ourselves about our circumstances. The story we tell our- selves and what we choose to do with our story plays a significant role in how we interact with the world and most definitely how we oper- ate and relate in the context of relationships. Some of us have been long familiar with dysfunc- tion. Throughout our lives, adrenaline, fighting, flight- ing, and freezing may have been common companions. Chaos can become more comfortable than order and stability. We may have been caregivers in such situa- tions, which can reinforce beliefs of people-pleasing and perfectionism where our validation comes from being <needed.= We may also have been acclimated to be perpetrators of insta- bility 4 to create chaos, to seek confrontation, and more comfortable with expressing anger than calmness. Lastly, we may depend too much on another to care for us. In all cases, codependency in rela- tionships can be a common outcome. Codependency is an excessive emotional or psy- chological reliance on a partner. While appreciating and desiring certain qualities from a partner is central to a healthy relationship, prob- lems arise when we place too much of our well-being on the shoulders of another. Not only can codependency cause resentment and stagnation, but the bottom line is that the people we may be too depen- dent upon will ultimately fail to meet our expectations or validate us the way we were hoping. This may cause us to feel lost, uncertain, or stuck. We may also become too reliant on extrinsic factors for validation 4 money, appear- ance, job performance, ath- letic performance or other measures that often shift and lack permanence. Is it okay to have goals and standards? Absolutely. If you fail to meet these goals and stan- dards, do you lack value? No. H o w t o O w n Yo u r Wellness Owning your wellness does not mean relying purely on self-sufficiency and hoping you can follow the cowboy model and find your bootstraps. Owning your wellness means accepting responsibility for the story you are telling yourself and being open to editing this story either by your own pro- cessing or via the assistance of others. Editing your story- line and maintaining a narra- tive that allows for forward momentum takes time and energy. It also takes self-trust and direction. These are a few things I find useful: 1. Make habits that sup- port time and energy. " Sleep. Shoot for 8 hours each night. " Get moving. You don9t have to push yourself. Just go on a walk. Try to get in 30-60 minutes of movement most days. " Eat real foods. I am not going to get too technical here. Just eat foods that are <real= that your body knows what to do with. Avoid pro- cessed foods. " Minimize the booze. Minimize the caffeine. " Limit social media. It is an all-too-common robber of time. 2. Check in with yourself. " If we have lived a life revolving around and depen- dent upon others, it is likely we have yet to get to know ourselves that well. Take time for quiet. Meditate. Pray. Get out in nature. Take time for stillness. Ask yourself how you are feeling. Learn to appreciate your voice. Try new things (on your own) and take some risks 4 this is how you ultimately learn to trust yourself again. Get to know what keeps you grounded, what gives you joy, and what may be depleting. 3. Establish boundaries. " As we reclaim our well- ness, we need to learn how to say <NO.= We need to become familiar with asser- tiveness and resist being too passive or too aggres- sive. We may need to have tough conversations with our significant other who we share codependence with. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to say no and let go. 4. Get spiritual. " In my opinion, spiritu- ality is simply connecting to what gives you meaning. Finding meaning outside our relationships and circum- stance allows us to have more resilience when there are bumps in the road. The bumps that may have been jolts can be softened as spirituality See PROMISE on page 14