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About The Siuslaw news. (Florence, Lane County, Or.) 1960-current | View Entire Issue (Dec. 2, 2015)
12 A SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2015 Men are from NAPA, women are from Macy’s whether or not a drop-waist Men don’t browse; they buy. Being a man myself, I can attest to the fact that we enter the store with absolute pur- pose, and continue walking that way, even if we have know idea where we’re going. When we do find the clothing section, there’s no wasting time on decisions about color or fabric. If it’s denim and has work- ing pockets, we're done shop- ping. By comparison, most women enter a department store like archeologists stum- bling upon the remains of a lost civilization. After creat- ing a mental grid of the area, they begin the long, slow process of sifting through every rack and every bin of Ned makes them look fat. Hickson d) Will try on all clothes There are thousands of books offering insights into the male/female dynamic. Coincidentally, these books are generally located next to the “Divorce/End-of- Relationship” section. If you want to observe the difference between men and women at its purest form, study their shopping habits. With the holiday buying season now officially under way, there's no better time to witness this phenomenon for yourself. Here’s a brief study guide to get you started. Women: a) Define an outfit as something comprised of at least three pieces of clothing, all of which are interchange- able and flattering. b) Have researched the best buys and know where there’s a sale today. c) Are undecided about within arm's reach of the fit- ting room. Men: a) Define an outfit as something comprised of jeans. And maybe a fishing lure. b) Have researched today’s game schedule on ESPN and know they can get to the store and back during halftime. c) Are undecided about how to answer when their wives ask if a drop-waist makes them look fat. d) Won’t get within arm’s reach of the fitting room. Obviously, the best time to conduct your study is when both men and women are in the store at the same time. This is easy to do if you just follow the Saturday sports schedule and plan your visits during halftime periods throughout the day. The first thing you’ll notice is the difference between how men and women enter the department store. ‘SINgularly Sordid’ in Yachats Saturday YACHATS — One of Us Productions will present Del Shores’ new stand-up show, “Del Shores: SINgularly Sordid” at the Yachats Commons on Saturday, Dec. 5, at 8 p.m. The playwright and comic will also be available for a question and answer session after the performance. The Southern-loved writer, director and producer recently added “stand-up comedian” to his list of professions, and said he has been looking forward to his visit to Yachats. One of Us Productions has produced his plays “Sordid Lives” and “Daddy’s Dyin’ (Who’s Got The Will?),” all oif which and have had suc- cessful runs at the Yachats Commons. The creator of the Sordid Lives franchise and writer, director and producer of “Southern Baptist Sissies, Blues for Willadean and Queer Is Folk” is back on stage with all new hysterical, sordid sto- ries. This time, Shores discuss- es the unexpected comedy of returning to the world of dat- ing after divorce in your 50s. He shares a litany of bad dates and his own trials and tribulations of being on the prowl again when you are a “minor gay celebrity.” Shores shares more letters from the haters and his responses. Also, he has some new celebrity dish on Dolly Parton, George Lopez, Leslie Jordan and more. The censors will be absent and if you are easily offended, Shores warns, “Stay home.” Shores has had a busy year with the release of the film of his play Southern Baptist Sissies, which received both critical and commercial suc- cess. He has also just complet- ed the screenplay for the final chapter of his Sordid Lives franchise, “A Very Sordid Wedding.” The film is set to begin shooting in Dallas in October. Tickets to Del Shores: SINgularly Sordid are $20 in advance, or $25 at the door. Tickets are available at Toad twisted undergarments until, eventually, they conclude there’s nothing worth buying. At which point they move to the next isle. For a thorough study of the shopping habits of men and women, you must also include men who accompany their wives shopping. Keep in mind that, in most cases, these men are there by choice, i.e., they’ve chosen to go shopping over having their wives sleep in mechanic’s overalls for the next six months. The easiest way to tell these men apart from those who aren’t there with their wives is to look for any man leaning on a shopping cart with the “100-yard stare.” This is an unblinking gaze atulations r g n o C FRANK KEAVEY of Florence Siuslaw News and Surfside Restaurant at Driftwood Shores congratulates Frank Keavey of Florence for his winning entry in the Oceanview Dinner giveaway. Mr. Keavey received a gift certificate for two dinners at Surfside Restaurant. Thank you to all that entered the contest. We are your gift giving headquarters PeaceHealth Peace Harbor Volunteers Gift Shop Open Monday - Friday 10am-4pm 541-997-8412 ext. 209 PeaceHealth Peace Harbor Volunteers PORT HOLE PUBLISHING Looking for a unique gift this holiday season? 179 Laurel Street, Suite D FLORENCE LET US PUBLISH YOUR BOOK G ift Certificates for the CCB# 55030 Florence Events Center 15th Annual ʻTree of Givingʼ To purchase – simply drop by the box office Monday to Friday between Stop by for coffee & cookies and pick up an ornament to help a local High School teen in need of necessities. Return gifts by Dec.16th to be distributed by Christmas. 9:00 AM to 4:30 PM 715 Quince St * Florence, OR * 541-997-1994 1780 Kingwood St. Gift Certificates are good for redemption for any ticketed show at the FEC for one year from purchase. PORT HOLE BOOKS 77567 Hwy. 101 • GARDINER 541-997-8526 NEW-USED-RARE! WE HAVE IT ALL! Best-Selling Author, Ellen Traylor, Owner/Publisher 541-999-5725 Sotheby’s, eBay Master Dealer and Appraiser for Discovery.com portholebooks.com • portholepublications.com Always the perfect gift! Deck Your Halls! The Holiday Shop ★ NOW OPEN DONATE NOW! Maximize your donation by donating to Cars for a Cause by Dec. 31st. We accept cars, trucks, RVs, boats & motorcycles CALL NOW! St. Vincent DePaul’s 2315 Hwy. 101 997-8460 @S IUSLAW N EWS •Helps those in need in Lane County • Charitable donation •We do all the paperwork EDITOR@ THESIUSLAWNEWS.COM Ned is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His book, “Humor at the Speed of Life,” is available online at Port Hole Publications, Amazon Books and Barnes & Noble. Write to him at nedhickson@icloud.com www.pesttechinc.com Twitter Voice Your Opinion! That said, as we enter the holiday, gift-giving season, let's take time to rejoice in the differences between men and women. Let’s embrace our diversity, and savor those things that define our gen- ders. And if possible, let’s do it within 100 feet of the exit. 2015 Readers’ Choice Favorite Pest Control 509 Hwy 101 • Florence, Or • 541-997-3781 Hall, Touchstone Gallery, Yachats Video and Waldport Video. Follow us on S IUSLAW N EWS fixed on the exit doors, which, in most cases, are within 100 yards. It’s interesting to note some of the defense mechanisms that have evolved in these men over time. For example, waving at them instantly trig- gers loss of sight. Next comes deafness. Should you somehow man- age to get their attention, these individuals will be unable to speak. Carrying on the experiment passed this point isn’t recom- mended unless you are a cer- tified physician. St. Vincent de Paul 2315 Hwy. 101 • Florence • 541-997-8460 M-F, 10-8 Sun., 10-6 OPEN DAILY