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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Dec. 1, 1907)
THE SUNDAY OREGONIAN, PORTLAND, DECEMBER 1, 1907. f TMMd CfafeiTRee akr Sex 1 THERE was a growing impression around the Hotel St. Reckless that the house detective had contracted a sentimental attachment somewhere. This suspicion clarified into absolute belief in the hotel clerk's mind when the house detective raised his highball glass the other evening as the two sat together In the gentlemen's grill and gave the following toast: "Well, here's to the weaker sex, Mr. McBean." "Meanin' by that. I suppose the ladies Heaven bless them, and help us," said the hotel clerk. "Sure I meant 'em," explained the house detective, slightly puzzled, "I said the weaker sex." ""Well, don't you ever do it again," said the hotel clerk severely. "Next time you have kindly thoughts for the weaker sex and want to do anything for them go and buy yourself a good cigar. But don't fall Into the error of calling woman the weaker sex. She's the strongest sex" We've got." , "Well, ain't we alius called 'em that?" demanded the house ' detective. "Maybe we have," said the hotel clerk, "but did you ever know a suddenly re tired heavyweight champion that didn't think 'twas an occidental punch that did for him, and eay, if he got another chance he could win both hands tied be hind his back and all his teeth pulled out? I make no doubt, Larry, that our mutual father I refer to Adam went right on his blind and foolish way re ferring to Eve as the weaker sex after she'd been responsible for getting him fired out of his old job and was teaching him how to make a decent living for the family in the new one. No, elr. we fell into the habit of calling them the weaker sex several thousand years before the lady, animals showed the gentlemen ani mals how to march up Noah's gangplank and we've kept it ever since for the same reason that Jim Corbett refused to con cede that Fitz hit him a fair wallop that time out at Carson City, "I had an uncle once, Larry, & large, fine, strong man that belonged to all the secret orders that are named after beasts and birds and ran a coal office when he wasn't looking after business at the lodge. He had a very impressive way about him. When he said it was a fine day it sounded like somebody starting to read the Declaration of Independence and when he unbuttoned his vest it made you think of opening the doors of an engine-house. Well, one wet night he came home from a lodge social suffering from a severe attack of alcoholic gher kins and carrying a heavy supply of the kind of dignity that such a cargo so often generate in the bosom of man. His wife met him at the door. She was waiting for him. 'Out of my way, pore weaker vessel,' he says to her, letting down his umbrella and trying to put it In his Inside coat pocket. 'A weaker vessel I may be," she says, 'but thank Heavens I'm no demijohn,' and then she laid her hand upon his neck In an affec tionate strangle holt and they went in side the house together. She only weighed about 90 pounds when she had all her hair switches on and much of the time she enjoyed poor health, but next morn ing at the breakfast table he had a face like a cross-barred cranberry pie. Under his eye was the place marked (X) show ing where the fatal blow was struck, as ' the newspapers say. "Larry, you were around to the Horse Show one night last week, wasn't you? Did you notice how the society ladies and the almost society ladles sat there hour after hour patiently enduring the remarks of what they d brought with them and wearing their official smiles so that all the common people walking around the ring might have a real treat for once in their lives? Maybe you heard of quite a few gentlemen being removed in a state of exhaustion, . overcome by the close air, the crush and the agony of hearing a band playing all the songs that George Cohen and Cole and Johnson ever wrote, over and over again. You may have heard of some of the horses weak ening under the Intense strain. But did you hear of any of the fair ladies who ornamented the garden during our week of combination horse and financial de pression fainting or weakening? you did not and never will. "And now if you've still got any doubt s to which is the weaker sex I Invite your attention to our grand opera which Is about the only real solace our depleted millionaires have left except wishing a certain party at Washington would choke. No thank you, I won't go myself any time a nice sweet girl that looks like she's had a shampoo and a bay rum, should come out with a white frock on and a rose in her hair and sing 'Way Down Upon the Swanny River," I'll be glad to attend. But when all the for eign vocalists that have so far managed to resist the call of the Central Park Zoo assemble on the stage and begin to scream for help in a language that Is not generally understood In the United States, with an orchestra from the boiler works down below performing to the best of Its ability and sinews, somebody else caa have my little red plush seat because I'll have to be going. "But the weaker sex, as you have er roneously called them, never miss a per formance. Night after night the most swagger spinal columns of the smart set may be seen gently undulating above a lot of ostensible bodices in the boxes of the Metropolitan Opera House. But not o witn tne mere men who have, hn dragged there by their wives, or who in moment of weakness have yielded to the lure of those depraved creatures known as true music lovers. They stand It as long as they can, sleeping when the Bilk -X-M ' ' ' - - V1-' pityingly. "Pampered weakling that you are, you think so. Well, If you only felt strong enough to enfold your feeble frame in that thin and insufficient ulster of yours, that can't weigh over nine pounds, and ventured out upon our main street, you wouldn't be there half a min ute before you'd seen some slender, deli cate little creature flitting by, snug and warm In an openwork silk frock and a hat as big as the nest made by the cukoo which is a bird that makes no nest, with her arms partly covered by a pair of kid gloves and her elbows out in the rigors of the climate and a lot of lace at her throat with more peekyboos in it than there are in a Swiss cheese, and a muff about the size of the envelope on a wedding invitation and a pair of low-cut slippers with soles almost as thick as three layers ut tissue paper. "Now, Larry. If you were to stroll forth Into a December snow storm In your undershirt and a straw hat, re marking that you were perfectly com fortable because you had on a good warm pair . of red suspenders, you'd be arrested on suspicion of having a punc ture In your pecan ana you'd be con victed on your own admissions and sent to the wheel works. But if you'd ask the dainty creature J've just described how she kept warm In such weather, she'd say it was because she wore an ostrich boa around her neck and what's more. It would be the truth. "The weakest woman you know can put on a pair of shoes with heels like hour-glasses, only they'll turn every min ute Instead of every hour, and wrap her self Into a wonderful costume that's mostly held together by the "power of moral suasion, aided by a few pins here and there. She'll have her hair built up like the hip-roof on a new courthouse and spiked down with 800 hairpins. She'll have a hat that weighs nine pounds, net. She'll have nothing much for her hands to do except to carry a handkerchief, a hand-bag, a pocketbook and a parasol. and hold her skirts up and reach back every now and then to see If her placket la smiling at her behind her back and keep her bracelets on her arms properly. Thus equipped she'll go out and fight her way aboard a crowded car without ' ruffling a feather and ride down town and walk up and down Twenty-third ""i cifiub vji iiuio juuea ana come nome ' fresh as a daisy, looking Just as she did A when she started. "Because she has an oppressed feelinz when she crowds herself into a corset ' that's three Inches smaller around the 1 waist than she is. she decides she's got - indigestion and ought to diet. So she , takes a raw egg and a pinch of bird , seed for breakfast, a great gross of marshmallows for lunch and lobster may onnaise and a cold boiled ham for din ner, and the next day she announces ' that she's completely cured. What man do you know that could duplicate these feats? "Larry, are you converted to the truth 1 " Tou are? Then let us now drink vour ' original toast "To the weaker sex our- BPives. (Copyright 1007. by H. K. Mcdure Ce.l A WEAKER VASSEL IMAY BE,1 SHE SAYS, "BUT THANK HEAVENS I' M NO DEMIJOHN." orchestra will let 'em and swearing when it won't and then they flee madly to the nearest life-saving station and hoist the red ball as a sign that it's time to go skating. "Do-you remember last Summer when the hot wave and the princess gown were having their vogues at the same time? On those sultry evenings when the asphalt turned into chewing gum that's just been chewed and you and I, reaching for our handkerchiefs, found our pockets full of perspiration, the ladies of our great city were paddling up and down Broadway wearing nice cloth frocks that fitted onto them like the peeling fits Into the . pawpaw, with veils hanging down between their faces and any breezes that might be stirring, and they looked perfectly cool and com fortable; and what's more, they were. Or coming down to the Immediate pres ent, suppose you go out on the street at this moment and look 'em over?" "It's too cold to be standing 'round out doors tonight," said the house de tective. "This here overcoat I got on Is purty light for a night when there's snow on the ground and ice formln'.' "You think so." said the hotel clerk The Vanished Days. Atlanta Georrlan. Lay the jest about the Julep In the cam phor balls at last. For the miracle has happened and the olden days are past: That which makea Milwaukee thirsty does ' not foam In Tennessee. And the- lid on old Missouri la as tight locttea as can be. Oh, the comic paper Colonel and his cronies well may sign, . For the mint is waving gaily, but the South is going ary. By the still side on the hillside In Ken tucky all la still. For the only damp refreshment must be tupped rrom uo tne rill. N"th C'lina'a stately ruler gives his soda aiass a snove And discusses local option with the South c Una gov. i It Is useless at the fountain to be winkful or tne eye. For the cocktail glass la dusty, and the boutn is going ary. It is water, water everywhere and not a arop to arinx. TVs no longer hear the music of the mellow crystal clink. When the Colonel and the Major and the uenerai and tne jeage Meet to hare a little nip to give their ap petites an edge. For the eggnog now Is negless and the rye has rone awry. And the punch bowls hold carnations, and the bouth la going dry. All the night caps now have tassels and. are worn upon the head Not the night caps that were taken when nobody went to bed; And the breese above the bluegrass Is as solemn as is death. For it beara no pungent clove-tang on Its odorlnc breath. And each man can walk a chalkllne when the atars are In the sky. For the fizz glass now is nzzless. and the South is going dry. Lay the jest about the julep 'neath th chestnut tree at last. For there's but one kind of moonshine and the olden daya are past; ! For the water wagon rumbles through the. Southland on its trip. And it helps no one to drop off to pick up the driver's whip. For the mint bed makes a pasture and the corkscrew hangeth high. And all Is still along the still aide, and the South la going dry. To the Pumpkin Flower. Lura W. Sheldon in I.lppincott's. Queen of the garden! Wondrous goldea thing! Thou hast a beauty that my Muse shall sing! What flower more modest in Its fullest bloom? Or whet more bright In all thine acred room? What rare exotic can, with priceless power, Kase more the hungry longings of an hour? When all the Autumn harvestings are by Thy memory lingers In the pumpkin pie. More Japanese Snapshots. WHILE at the Imperial Hotel, Toklo, we were permitted to witness a portion of a Japanese wedding; that Is, the feast and reception. Like our Hebrew friends in America, the Japs now hire the parlors of a hotel, chiefly because their little doll houses are so small. It was very funny; the women ell like embarrassed Images, done up In their best kimonos and not saying a word, while the men. In stiff, badly fitting European "store clothes," stood around In little groups and talked, looking like animated tailors' dummies. One young man picked out a native air on the piano with one finger, while the children were the only ones who were at all happy, or didn't look as if they wished they hadn't come. We were not surprised to see children there, as they go everywhere In Japan, even to the theater, where they trot about between the acts and even invade the stage. Such universal consideration Is shown them I was reminded of a story which, however, does not apply to Japan ese domestic life, but la worth the telling. Says Mrs. Peace to Miss Sharp, a caller: i a a i "My husband and I never dispute before the children. When a quarrel seems im minent we always send them out." Miss Sharp: "Ah, I've often wondered why they're so much in the streetl" Hateful thing, wasn't she? . - English is' quite generally spoken, par ticularly among the boys. The rickshaw men almost all have a smattering, and For my sins I traveled one night in one of these Japanese sleeping cars, and it will always stand out in my memory as one of the most uncomfortable I ever passed. The cars are divided Into com partments, two long leather seats facing each other, running across the car. The backs of these seats lift up and, propped by poles, make four berths altogether. The bedding is clean and sufficient, but there are no springs In the beds, abso lutely no privacy, and one tiny window for the whole compartment, public opinion being usually divided as to whether it shall be opened or closed. This reminds me of a story my friend Colonel Cody ("Buffalo Bill") used to tell. He aald that once upon a time an Eng lishman who had never been In the West before was his guest. They were riding through a Rocky Mountain canyon one day, when suddenly a tremendous gust of wind came swooping down upon them, and actually carried the Englishman clear off the wagon seat. After he had been picked up he combed the sand end gravel out of his whiskers and said: "I eay! I think you overdo ventilation in this bloomln' country!" My berth was over the wheels, and this, together with a roadbed of which a coal railroad in Pennsylvania would be ashamed, produced such jolts and bumps that my brain felt as though It had been through an egg-beater. The compart ment was full, one occupant being a German army officer, who, beside being In full uniform, even to enormous fur-lined overcoat, sword and spurs, brought in to choke the little available space a satchel, a large flat wicker hamper and a pack ing box. He also had a very industrious and far-reaching snore with him. The third occupant being a traveling Catholic priest and, like the soldier, a man of huge proportions, I was rather Interested to know which of these was to occupy the berth over me, for It seemed can tell the different points of Interest, though frequently one has to make some rather wild guesses as to what they mean. When, however, the fact has been graspe.d that "dewotomy" means "depart ment," and "sea soldare" means "sea soldier" or marine. "Horean Agatlon" means "Austrian Legation"; these, with other numberless examples, make conver sation fairly plain sailing. One sees many signs In English, but the people who make them have their own ideas as to arrangement. For in stance, in Yokohama' may be seen a sign over a butcher shop that reads "Befand henmeat." It looks like some foreign word, but after close inspection resolves itself Into "Beef and hen meat." In Toklo a Jewelry store has on the window "The Watches Shop," and tacked on a fence at the top of a high hill I saw the following: . 3ME "As danger is, " should not throw the stones." Japanese trains are small and slow, and seem not to think it necessary ever to be on time. Smoking is allowed In every class, even in the sleeping cars, a flimsy sort of affair, and I took par ticular pains to see that it was well propped up. I was rather relieved to find It was to be the soldier, for I consoled myself with the old adage that the pen is mightier than the sword and decided it would be a worse1 calamity to have the church down on me than the Army. Even if sleep with all these considerations had been possible, the frequent" stops would have completely put it to flight, for the moment a train arrives at a station, no matter what the time of night, the sell ers of lunch boxes, hot milk, tea or to bacco, begin to cry their wares in tones that are like the waitings of lost souls, and for penetration and volume are un equalled by anything In my experience. The sellers of tea at the stations will give one a email teapot filled with hot tea, and a tiny cup, all for three sen, or a cent and a, half in American money. At the railroad stations during the war with Russia one was sure to see parties of wounded soldiers returning from the front, or those who were de parting for the seat of war. These latter were always attended by a crowd of men. and women, who waved small Japanese flaws and gave a shout as the train moved away. Thle Bhout is really more of a screech than a good, round cheer, such as would be heard in Amer ica, for it seems as if there rs some physical reason why the Japanese peo ple cannot raise their voices without producing the most blood-curdling sounds. The street cries are all stri dent and unpleasant; the commands of officers to their men tinny and rasping-like, while Japanese singing, to a foreigner, is conducive to nervous prostration. As for the brass bands, their music la like unto nothing under the heavens or -I will safely wager above them. And their fondness for American airs Sousa's marches and the like adds to the torture. "March ing Through Georgia" Is a prime favor ite with them, but I would have to study over the tune, as they produced it, a long while before I would dara take my oath that I nad ever neard it before. I have spoken somewhat of the ex ternal attitude of these people. Of their interior attitude of heart and mind much more might be said, es pecially in regard to their late war with Russia, which was going on at the time of my visit. This was some thing they would not talk about. Any mention of the subject was met with an adroit change of the conversation into other channels; but Intense pa triotism, the most supreme confidence in their ultimate success, reigned in every heart. Examples of the most heroic self-sacrifice were not lacking. A Japanese mother had given her three sons to the war. The first wag report ed slain. She smiled, and said, "It is well. I am happy." The second lay dead upon the field. She smiled again, and eaid. "I am still happy." The third gave up his life, and they said to (Concluded on Page 11.) V