Daily capital journal. (Salem, Or.) 1903-1919, November 07, 1914, Home and Farm Magazine Section, Page 16, Image 30

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Stories With a Smile
Couldn't lie Trusted.
THERE Is a certain Ohio Judge
whose wit has enlivened many a
dull case. On one occasion coun
sel made In his court this statement
on behalf of a plaintiff of somewhat
bibulous appearance:
"My client, Your Honor, Is a most
remarkable man and holds a very
responsible position; he is manager
of a waterworks."
After a survey of the client, His
Honor replied:
"Yes, he looks like a man who
could be trusted with any amount of
The Difference.
A story Is told of an an Irish sailor
who docided to walk from Newport
to Cardiff. He met a cart driver and
"How far is it from Newport to
"Thankee," said Tat. "An' how
far is It from Cardiff to Newport?"
, Driver Didn't I ask you how far
It was from Newport to Cardiff? Do
you suppose it is any further the
other way back?
Irishman Sure, and I don't know.
I know it is a great deal farther
from New Year's Day to Christmas
than from Christmas to Hew Year's
y Mutual Expectations.
A notoriously close-fisted man was
taking his golfing holiday in Scot
land, and had, by hard bargaining,
managed to secure the exclusive ser
vices of a first-class caddie, who was
known to be a very good player.
"Mind, now," said the ambitious
southerner, "I expect to receive some
really good tips from you during my
stay horo, you understand?"
"Ayo," replied the Scotsman, hitch
ing up the hoavy bug, "an' Ah'm ex
poctin' the like frao yo, ye ken."
Wt can Safu inti Aoneu
Itaduead ralaa on flmiaehold Qooili. Planoa,
Inloaobllaa, ato. Thruuh oouaulldaUd can
(murine prouiit duhri7 and earefuJ
IUIm and Information farnlebed on roqneaa
Pacific Coast Forwar ding Company
201 Wliooa itutldlnt, Portlanl Oratea
A full year'a um At practically
no anal perhapa you've novar
thiuitht of It In llila wagr before,
but It'a a fact nerorthalraa Ilia!
today you can buy a ro-built Win
Ion and altar uilnf ll lor a full
caaon aoll II wlthtiul a etui of da
prestation, It'a Ilka borrowing a ear from
your friend for a year and rotum
lot II to blm after uilnf II fur SUA
Kcry IrauVdln Wlntnn Sit,
many of them coma lo ua In. pari,
payment on new tnmlele aacli yoar
-ll titan a thorough overhauling
In lha Wlntnn atinna and brought
op to (ha regular Wlntnn alamlarl
tlna alt cylinder aelt trauklng
Theaa In turn ara dlnpnurd of
tn our rapidly hicrtiicd Hit of
itaed" far ruatnmera at aaartly
lha prlca allowed tor than whoa
taken In aicbanga.
tn Ihla way lha hnyar It ahla to
pick op a Wlnton ill at about
half tho eoal of tht aama ear new
and la fully prite.frd by tin Kn.
pany'i aueraniee thai II wilt ctta
tha aatla'acllon for which M'lntoai
Bliea ara tamed. Let ua tend yn
May our lateat oouipl.ia barjala
Portland, Oragoa,
Saattla, Waih. Bpokana, Want,
. Not Well Informed.
An amusing incident is told by
Dr. Henry Coward of his early days
in Sheffield concerning' a quartette
which he organized in a warehouse.
Anxious to make money, he ap
proached a showman who was visit
ing the place and suggested to him
thit a party of singers would be a
decided attraction to his show.
"Kin ye sing?" asked the show
man. "Yes, sit, very well." "Have
ye dress suits? Them's necessary."
"Yes, sir." "How much will it cost
for Buch an engagement?" "Five
shillings each per night I think will
do it," he replied.
"I know," said the entertainer,
"but how much will it cost? How
many are ye in this 'ere quartette?"
Hate Off, Boys.
Gebhard von Blucher, the famous
Prussian general field marshal, had
as surgeon-major of his array a man
who was very homely, but extremely
proud and vain.
One day, says Novellen-SchaU,
Blucher entered the surgeon's tent
and found him standing before a
looking glars arranging his toilot aud
admiring hlniBelf generally.
"Doctor," Bald Blutcher, laughing,
"I suppose that you are the luckiest
man In the world."
"How's that, sir, may I ask?"
"Why, here you are quite In love
with yourself, and you haven't a
single rival!"
Advice to Agent.
'Now a few words about Belling
this dictionary. A young woman will
open the door a few Inches."
'When she learns you are a book
agent she will try to close it."
'At thiB point you insert the dic
HIh Stock in Trndo.
The nervous little man next to the
car window sized up the fat man who
shared the seat with him and ven
tured the Inquiry:
"How's business?"
"Can't complain," said the other
'What do you deal In?"
'Mothers-in-law, billy goats, the
weather, silt skirts, tramps, Btranded
actors, candidates, politics and the
"Whaltyye tryln' to do?" snarled
the nervous little man. "Tryln' to
kid mo?"
"Nope," thojat man grinned. "The
things I have named In a large meas
ure comprise my stock In trade. You
see, my dear sir, I am a professional
writer of Jokes and anecdotes."
Right in the First I'lnro.
Mrs. Mason's negro washerwoman,
Martha, was complaining of her hus
band's health. "Why, Is he sick,
Martha?" askod Mrs. Miiboii.
"He's very po'ly, mum, very po'ly,"
answered the woman. "He's got the
exclamatory rheumatism."
"You moan Inflammatory, Mar
tha," said tho patrou. "Exclamatory
means to cry out."
"Yns'm," replied Martha, with
conviction, "Dat's what It Ib. He
hollers all do time."
Would Have Ilct'it Suicide.
"I am glad to find you bettor,"
said a physician to a famous come
dian upon paying him a professional
visit one morning. "You followed
my proscription, of course?"
"Indeed, I did Dot, doctor," retort
ed tho Blck nuin, "or should have
bruken my neck."
"Broken your nock!" exclaimed
tho doctor.
"Yes," Bald the oilier, "for I threw
your prescription out of me win
A Useful Marksman.
T AT was a young recruit and was
Jf undergoing his first course in
musketry. Tho soldiers had fin
ished firing and Pat was taken be
fore the officer for his bad shoot
ing. '
"Now, Pat, you firo at No. 5 tar
Pat bangod away and waited,
which showed he had hit No. 4 tar
get the possible number of rounds,
but had not hit No. 5 target once.
"What target did you aim at?"
asked tho officer.
"No. 6, sir," answered Pat.
"And have hit No. 4 every time."
"Bedad, sorr," retorted Pat, "it
would be a grand thing in war. Sure,
I might aim at a private and -hit a
Iu the Balance.
"Give me two seats In the bal
ance," said a man, stepping up to
the box office window the other
"In the what?" asked the ticket
seller, fearing that Bhe had misun
derstood. "I said I wanted two seats in the
The ticket seller racked her brain
trying to solve the puzzle, and final
ly, giving up, she asked the man to
explain just what he wanted.
"On this sign out here it says, bal
cony 25 centB for the first three rows.
It says balance 15 cents. I want two
in the balance."
Then the ticket seller understood.
New Glove
$1.35 .
Mailed Postpaid on
receipt of price.
Having our orders placed be
fore the outbreak of the
European War raised the
prices of cloves makes this
price possible. A variety of
styles and colors to choose
from two olaap. over aoam Olaee;
Pique Lamb witn self or contract
ing wido embroidery; English Cap
in naw ahadefl of Tan and uue clasp
Eenulne Arabian Mocha. Packed
i Holiday boxea if dcairod.
Send for new catalog
ef Glove, Hotiery
and Umbrella
a r. beho. uuun
309 Morrison Street
Portland, Oregon
With or Without Buzz Saw Attachment
Will taw 20 to 40 cordi of wood per day at a cent of
$1.00. PULLS ITSELF up tha ateepcn HILL and
over tho touched ground. Coiti leu than oilier maltee.
One man wrilet lis aawed 56 ricki in 10 hour.
Another aawed 40 cordt in 9 houtt. There 'i
mora vou ouoht to know. Write lor FREE Cat.
alof containing lull description with IribiMaiaUf
from enthusiastic uteri. WRITE TODAY. J? r
Wj .wn'Maaapti; aii i, aainwriM '"' B
Choap prices and special inducement should not lufliiouco tha
Piano buyer,
We carry all grades of nation from 2.r.0.00 to $2,300.00, but
only makes in which wo buvo confidunco and which wo can rocoia
in on J.
Our Pianos (mm 25(1.00 lo 4i.17U.OO Include sovc-nil maltct
which are positively tho best Pinno munufiicturcd to sell at tuuso
Iiricoa tho lowest prices at which good dependable l'iauoa cuu
We carry only ono lino of riaycr rinnnai that of tho Aeolian
Company, makers of the world famous Pianolas. The Pianola ll
furnished in six different niukoa of Pianos,
Writa Us for Catalogues and Prices.
play & Go.
BUluway, Weber and Other Pianos, Pianolas, Victrolaa,
and all tho Rocorda,
Jrhona Mala ITH
One Policy
Clip thla Oupen and mall to lha llwaat
Orflew for fall Informal!.-! .
biliaUoa Urarr4
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