TILLAMOOK HEADLIGHT. NOVEMBER 1, 1917.
What Ailed Poker Johnson.
■
By James Barton Adams.
Poker Johnson got to droppin’ in a
most peculiar way.
Sot around the jag emporiums half
a-sleepin’ every day;
Didn t have a durned ambition or a
_ impulse, ’cept to snooze.
An occasionally brighten his vitality
with booze.
When we'd ask about the trouble he
would say he didn’t know
\\ hat the dickens was the ailment
. a-collapsin’ of hint so.
An' his woman got uneasy that he’d
fly the mortal track—
Got to asking other wimmen if she’d
look all right in black.
Dr. Slaughter diagnosed him, but it
baffled all his skill
Io locate the innard trouble, so he
sent to deadman's hill.
For a medico to hold a consultation
on the case
An’ endeavor to discover what had
knocked Poke off his base.
After much deliberation they agreed
without a doubt
1 hat his uniform appeadix was a
knockin’ of him out,
An to place him in position fur to
hold a cinch on life
I hey would have to go prospectin,
fur his trouble with the knife.
Not a-havin sleepin’ dope, they filled
his system full o’ booze
I il his sansitiveness vanished in a
paralytic snooze,
An they both was somewhat rattled
when they layed his innards bare
Fur to find that the appendix they
wuz huntin’ wasn’t there.
Then they thought it was his liver,
an’ they took a squint at that,
But ‘twas healthy, an’ his heart was
not degenerating fat,
An they monkeyed with his stomach
an’ the organs round about,
But they couldn’t find no ailment that
demanded cuttin’ out.
When the coroner came over fur to
set on w-hat was left
Of the mangled late lamented, and’ to
sort o’ feel the heft
Of the evidence submitted, he had
deemed it wise to bring
A medwicinery expert to investigate
the thing
After hearin’ all the symptoms an’
a-looking round inside.
Of the physical construction of the
corpse he testified
That the trouble was spring fever, an
he'd lost what life he had
Through a brace of ig’nant butchers
chasin’ up a modern fad.
Louis Syberkrop of Creston has ac-. up-to-date.
quire much fame in recent weeks as
' ou have taken millions of dollars
author of a satire on Kaiser Wilhelnt. from innocent victims and called it
Requests have come to him from indemnity; you have lived fat on the
Tumulty, Secretary
Daniels, and land you usurped and sent the real
Roosevelt, and people in every state
owners away to starvation. You have
ot the union and in Canada have ask stayed away front all legalized war
ed for copies of Mr. Syberkrop's ar methods and introduced a code of
ticle. It is:
your own. \ou have killed and robbed
“Ottumwa, Iowa.
the people of friendly nations and de
1 tie internal Region stroyed their property. \ ou are a
June 28, 1917.
lar a hypocrite and a bluffer of the
"To Wilhelm von
Hohenzollern, Highest magnitude. You are a part of
King of Prussia, Emperor of all mine and yet you pose as a personal
Germany and Envoy Extraordinary friend oi God. Ah, Wilhelm, you are a
of Almighty God:
wonder. \ ou wantonly destroy all
“My Dear Wilhelm:
things in your pat|, ailj leave nothin
“1 can call you by that familiar lor coming generations.
name for 1 have always been very
I was amazed when 1 saw you form
close to you, much closer than you a partnership with the impossible
could ever know.
lurk the chronic killer of Christians,
“From the time that you were yet and you a devote . worshiper in the
an undeveloped being in your moth Lutheran church. I confess, Wilhelm,
er’s womb 1 have shaped your destiny you are a puzzle at times. A Moham
fur my own purpose.
medan army, commanded by German
“In the days of Rome I created a oilicers assisting one another in mas-
roughneck known in history as Niro. cacreing Christians is a new lane of
He was a vulgar character and suited warfare. When a Prussian officer can
my purpose at that particular time. witness a nude woman being disem-
In these modern days a classic demon bowled by a swarthy Turk, commit
and efficient super-criminal was need ting a double murder with one cut of
ed, and as I know the Hohenzollern his saber, and calmly stand by and see
blood, 1 picked you as my special in a house full of innocent Armenians
strument to place on earth an annex locked up, the house saturated with
of hell. I gave abnormal ambition, oil and fired, then my teachings did
likewise an oversupply of egotism not stop with you, but have been ex
that you might not discover your own tended to the whole German nation, I
failings; 1 twisted your mind to that confess my Satanic soul grew sick
of a mad man with certain normal and there and then I knew the pupil
tendencies to carry you by; a most had become the master. 1 am a back
dangerous character placed in power; number, and, my dear Wilhelm, 1
1 gave you the power of an hypno abdicate in your favor. The great key
list and certain magnetic force that ol hell will be turned over to you. The
you may sway your people, I am re- gaval that lias struck the doom of
sponsible for the deformed arm that damned souls since time began is
hangs helpless on your left, for your yours. I am satisfied with what I
crippied condition embitters your life have done; that my abdication in your
and destroys all noble impulses that favor is for the very best interest of
might otherwise cause me anxiety, hell—in the future I am at your
but your strong sword arm is driven majesty’s service.
by your ambition that squelches all
"Affectionately and sincerely,
sentiment and pity; I placed in your
Lucifer H. Satan.”
suul a deep hatred for all things Eng
The Devil Resigns his Job.
lish, for of all nations on earth 1 hate
England most;; wherever England
plants her flag she brings order out The Devil sat by the Lake of Fire,
Loyalty Among the Newspapers.
On a pile of sulpher kegs;
of chaos and the hated cross follows
His
head
was
bowed
upon
his
breast,
the Union Jack; under her rule wild
The spirit of loyalty just now in
His tail between his legs.
tribes become tillers of the soil and
co-operating with the national gov
in due time practical citizens; she is A look of shame was on his face,
ernment is well exemplified by the
The sparks dropped from his eyes; newspaper men of the country. Be
the great civilizer of the giobe and 1
hate her. I planted in your soul a He had sent his resignation
fore the second Liberty Loan was in
To the throne up in the skies.
cruel hatred for your mother because
stituted an effort was made to con
she was English and left my good I'm down and out the devil said,
vince Congress of the right and the
friend Bismarck to fan the flame 1
necessity of appropriating money lor
He said it with a sob;
had kindled. Recent history proves There are others that outclass me,
proper advertising of the loan. The
how well our work was done. It
newspaper men did not overestimate
And I want to quit my job.
broke your royal mother's heart, lnit Hell isn't in it with the land.
their own importance to the nation in
1 gained my purpose.
making the loan a success. The gov
And his army on the Rhine,
"The inherited disease of the Hoh- I'm a "has been” and a "piker,”
ernment needs their aid to bring the
enzollerns killed your father, just as
loan before the people and this was
And therefore I resign.
it will kill you, and you became the
recognized by Mr. McAdoo, but no
money was appropriated.
ruler of Germany and a tool of mine Those ammunition slingers,
With their bloody shot ami shell;
The fact remains, nevertheless, and
sooner than I expected.
is splendidly realized, that this is our
“To assist you and further hasten Know more about damnation
Than all the imps of hell.
union and that newspapers are part of
my work 1 sent you three evil spirits,
the government and in its need they
Nietzsche Treitschkc and later Bern- Give my job to Kaiser Wilhelm,
And
his
army
on
the
Rhine,
are going to do even more than their
hardi, whose teachings inflamed the
Von
Tripitz
or
Von
Hindenberg
duty. Free space is donated and we
youths of Germany, who in goixi time
Or
some
such
child
of
mine.
believe no more loyal men exist in
would be willing and loyal subjects
America today as a class than the
and eager to spill their blood anil pull I hate to leave the old home,
The
spot
I
love
so
well:
men who run the country's news
your chestnuts, yours and mine; the
Hut
I
feel
that
I
’
m
not
up-to-date,
papers. With few exceptions they
spell has been perfect—you cast your
In the art of running hell.
stand shoulder to shoulder with Uncle
ambitious eyes toward the Mediter
Sam and are endeavoring in every
ranean, Egypt, India and the Darda
Wilhelm the Only.
way possible to aid'and promote the'
nelles and you began your great rail
------o------
carrying out of our national program.
way to Bagdad, but the ambitious
(These satrical verses were written —Silverton Appeal.
archduke and his more ambitious win-
stood in your way. It was then that i over a quarter of a century ago by
sowed the seed in your heart that John Kendrick Bangs on the occasion
Are Farmers Hoarding?
blossomed into the assassination of of the kaiser’s ousting of Bismarck,
the
"iron
chancellor,"
whom
he
pub
the duke and his wife and all hell smil
Some of our big city editors are at
assertion :
ed when it saw how cleverly you licly humiliated with the
tempting to prove that the farmers
I
will
tol-
“
I
am
the
lord
of
the
land;
saddled the crime on Servia. 1 saw
of the country are hoarding potatoes
you set sails for the fjords of Norway crate no other,”)
ami other produce, including eggs.
------
o
------
and I knew you would prove an alibi.
Potatoes have been placed in ele
Oh
Me!
How cleverly done, so much like
vators and cellcrs and are not sent to
Oh
MY!
uvi, who also
your noble grandfather,
market, these wise men claim.
And likewise T!
secured an assassin to
t_ remove oid
The papers probably wish the farm
orate
—
I
King Frederick of Denmark, and lat Sit still ye churl«, whilst
ers to flood the markets with their
the
State,
er robbed that country of two prov Me I, Myself, the Throne, the Sun,
potatoes, give the middlemen splen
inces that gave Germany an oppor- I am the Earth, the Moon
did opportunities to buy them up for
All rolled in one:
tunity to become a naval power.
storing in town, ami then have the
Murder is dirty work, but it takes a Both hemisphers am I,
public pay exorbitant prices later.
Oh
MY!
and
get
Hohenzollern to make a way
It is far better to have the produce
If there were three
by.
held up and stored in the country
“Your opportunity was at hand; The three I’d bee.
than in the big cities, because the pro
you set the world on fire and bells of I am the Dipper, Night and Dav,
ceeds will be distributed among thou
the
hell were ringing; your rape on Bel The North and Southern 1 olcs,
sands, where otherwise it is merely
gium caused much joy, it was the b<-
distributed between a gang of storage
Milky Way!
the
ginnig, the foundation of a perfect Pm tljev that walk, or fly upon
middlemen who have already made
hell on earth, the destruction of noble
millions since the war started. An ex
wing,
cathedrals and other infinite works Or swim or creep—I'm everything
ample of the storage in the cities was
of art was hailed with joy in the in
me tremble like anaspen had last winter when the middlemen
It
makes
were accused of going to every limit
fernal regions. You made war on
tree.
friends and foe alike and the murder
to raise the price on potatoes—even
I
’
m
Me!
.
of civilians showed tny teachings had To think i ... —.
going to the length of destroying
Ami blink like stars up m the sky.
lorn fruit. Your treachery toward
large lots of them, in some instances.
think I’tn—I!
, ■
j
neutral nations hastened a universal To
And shrink in terror like a frightened Let them be stored in the country—
the producer will not knowingly de
upheaval, the thing 1 most desired.
df.
stroy the fruits of his labor.
)our under-sea warfare is a master
realize
that
I'm
—
Myself!
Anyway, it is very likely that the
«troke from the smallest mackerel pot To
to the great Lusitania you show no Ye blithering slaves beneath my iron farmer i- no* »toeing more than is
necessary to keep the stuff from go
favorites; as a war lord you stand su
ing directly into the hands of the
preme for you have no mercy; you What k tow ye of the things I fee1’
Didst
ever
walk
at
dead
of
night
speculators. More power to the farm
have no consideration for the baby
er and his storeroom—Seaside Signal
clinging to its mother’s breast as they \nd stand in awe of *h’ne
God
took
six
days
to
make
the
land
I loth go down into the deep together,
only to be torn apart and leisurely
The Real Atrocities.
devoured bv sharks down among the But "centuries were passed in making
------o-----
Corals.
The mriverse? An easy task, But I’ .The Germans entered Belgium in
| "I have strolled over the battlefi'h-
August and September, 1914; we be
I of Belgium and France. I have se
Oh. My!
gan to come in November. Hence we
I jour hand of destruction everywhere , I can’t describe Myself. Why
I st s all your work, super-fiend that I The speech that ancient people spake, saw none of the "atrocities” of the in
vasion—we saw only results of them.
made you. I have seen the fields of And then again take every _‘onRuc
Among these results, as seen by us,
¡Poland; now a wilderness fit for Bv moderns spoken
were, I hasten to say. no women
.Prowling beasts only; they all suc And every tongue that is to be.
without breasts or children without
Mix in with these—V ou cannot p
cumbed to frost and starvation
hands But there were women without
•rifted down into Galicia where for-
ture Me!
,
husbands and sons and daughters and
rnerly Jews and Gentiles lived happil.' So do not try, ignoble worms, to
children without mothers and fathers.
together; I found but ruins and ash1
There were families without homes,
! 'fit a curious pride in my pupil for A greMness that can only make you
'farms without cattle or horses or
P*?s all above my expectation. I w. s
houses, towns without town halls and
P Belgium when you drove th< But Took, and silence keep; unless churches and most of the other build
IPfseeful population before you like
some whim
,
_.t,isner ings and even some without any
pttlc into slavery, you separated rna ' Compels an utterance; then whisper, buildings at all. and a few without
P* wife and forced them to hard la
"Him”
~
many citizens. But there were ceme
P* in the trenches. I have seen tl
An awesome Him.
teries with scores and hundreds of
P®*t selfish rape committed on young Whilst I for evermore content will be new graves—not of soldiers; and lit
fomen and those who were forced in-
tle toddling children who came up
[•maternity tdpre crushing the father
eagerly to you, saying. Mon pere est
their offspring and I began to
"Me!”
if my own tnferoo was really
NOW IS THE TIME TO BUY
Winter’s Flour
OLYMPIC FLOUR, $11.00 bbl., 83.90 sk.
Olympic Flour is the Best.
Golden CROWN FLOUR, $10.80 bl., $2.75 sk
Hard Wheat High Patent.
PURE CANE SUGAR, $8.25 sk.
COUNTRY SHORTS. $40.00 ton, $1.80 sk
MIDDLINGS, $50 00 ton, $2.40 sk.
We want your business
RAY & CO "J
TILLAMOOK, ORE., Sanitary White Store.
Both phones.
I
COMPLETE DISPERSAL SALE
nnrl TTirrl-i
Of Register of Merit and
High Testing
High
FRED WOURMS, of Oregon City, will sell
at the Tillamook Fair Grounds by Public
Auction on SATURDAY, November 3rd,
at 12.30 p.m. sharp
22 Head of JERSEYS.
Consisting of 20 head of Cows and Heifers and 2 Bulls.
All the mature Registered Cows are in the Register
of Merit. Tests were imide on ordinary farm eare.
This is a choice offering of high class dairy stock.
Catalogueshave been sei^t to a large number. If
you did not receive one, ask your
•/ you his. The stock arc now at th Fair (bounds for
inspection.
Fred Wourms, owner. Col. J
tioner. Thomas Withycombe, Sales Manager.
Bring vour catalogues with you.
mort; ma mere cst mort.’ They were
distinguished from some of their
playmates by this, you set !
And we had to hear—and endure—
the stories, the myriad stories, of the
relics of Dinant, Vice, 'families, An-
dennes, and all the rest exaggerated
wilfully, ami other exaggerated un
intentionally, simply by the inevita-
blc inaccuracies that come from I ex
citcment and mental stress. But iliere
were stories that were true, all true.
Gasoline of
Clean cylinders be
cause Red Crown ex
plodes completely,
having correct boiling
points in a continuous
chain.
Standard Oil Company
(CiillOfOM)
Redeemed Land.
In a very few vivid words, Prof,
Fitch of Amherst gives the whole
Story of the desolation »rou
the Germans in northern France:
“The enemy showed a well defined
policy as he gave France back to her
children. Hi- meant so to leave it that
the heart of France should be broken,
the spirit to fight gone.
“He fought against France’s God.
and in each ruined village the parish
church is a heap of powdered stone.
Next, he destroy! d th< tow n hall
where the records of birth, death,
marriage, lend tenures and all such
data were kept.. Next he attacked the
great historical monuments. Then he
cut down all the fruit trees.
"It was oppressive to rule through
this desolated and deserted country.
Everywhere there was the sinister si
lence of death, and the only human
touch was the solitary sentry of
France.”
That is the aspect of “redeemed
France,” as the French heroes win it
back foot by foot. May we never
ha*' to redeem any of our own 1 - d
soil from the grasp of the Hun!—
Umpqua Valley News.
STAR GARAGE.
TILLAMOOK GARAGE
hflMB-SCHRflDER CO
»ESALE and RETAIL
CEMENT, LIME, PLASTER, LATH AND
BRICK ; DOMESTIC STEAM AND
SMITHING CO AL.
WarehoiiMe and Ofli< <• Cor. Front and 3rd Asc. Went, Tillamook. Or.
i