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The INDEPENDENT, April 1, 2010
Lies, Rumors and Innuendoes
In the spirit of the day, articles on this page are fictional. All of
the persons, places or situations mentioned are imaginary and
should not be confused with real persons, places or situations
that may share the same name.
These articles are dedicated to Vernonia Mayor Sally Harrison
so she may validate her claim that The Independent prints “lies,
rumors and innuendoes”. And that statement is also in the spirit of
the day.
Vernonia Seniors Find Cash Quilt
Early last year, a dirty, tattered quilt was anonymously donated
to the Vernonia Senior Center. “We discovered it on a Monday
morning. It was in terrible shape and smelled just awful. We
thought it was just more of the garbage that gets left here after the
center closes,” said Vernonia quilter Susan Goodhope. But Good-
hope (as almost everyone knows) can’t turn her back on a quilt
that needs help. So with the help of the “quilting ladies”; Louise
Hamnett, Faith Reynolds, Fran Hendrix, Pat Ray, Myrrhina
Kibben, and Rebecca McGaugh, Goodhope started the process
of dismantling the quilt to remove the moldy, smelly stuffing. Much
to their amazement the filling turned out to be dirty, moldy paper
money, lots of paper money. “We about fell over dead from the
shock. After we counted it, we thought for sure we had died and
gone to heaven,” said Reynolds. The ladies knew just what they
wanted to do with their new-found wealth. “Something worthwhile
and helpful to the community,” Hamnett stated, “We decided to
buy The Independent.” Hamnett went on to say, “With all the neg-
ativity she has to report on (referring to the soon to be former ed-
itor Rebecca McGaugh) and with the buffoons in city government
refusing to operate in an intelligent or ethical manner, disallowing
any change for the better, coupled with the fact that nobody wants
to read about it any more, we just thought it was a good time to
do something about it.”
The Quilt ladies plan to change from covering local news to
covering “only positive quilting news.” “From now on it will be
all quilting, all the time.” said Fran Hendrix. The format of the pa-
per was decided after input from an intensive study conducted by
a group of U of O sociology grad students. From the study it was
learned that, more than anything else, the citizens of Vernonia
wanted a positive quilting publication.
Clark and Rebecca McGaugh, the soon-to-be-former- owners
of The Independent, reportedly plan to move to an underground
bunker at an undisclosed location near Birkenfeld to continue
their research in pataphysical science.
McGaughs to Start Research Center
With the money from the
pending sale of The Indepen-
dent (see related story on this
page) it has been reported that
Clark and Rebecca McGaugh
will be starting a research facil-
ity somewhere in the Upper
Nehalem River Valley, near or
in Birkenfeld. The facility will
specialize in research on the
pataphysical sciences. One
part of the research will study
how pataphysical experiences
affect memory. This research
will be bolstered by the addition
of the Founding Director of the
Center for the Neurobiology of
Learning and Memory, Dr.
James McGaugh, Research
Professor, Neurobiology and
Behavior School of Biological
Sciences, University of Califor-
nia•,Irvine. Dr. McGaugh is said
to be excited to be joining his
nephew, Clark McGaugh, in
this new family venture.
Professor James McGaugh
to research pataphysical sci-
ences in Columbia County
Conceptual drawing of Ricky Heath and Bobby William’s Super Speedway Facility.
NASCAR Super Speedway in Vernonia
Charlotte, N.C. – There is a
lot of Nascar news lately, from
the scheduled opening of the
NASCAR hall of fame on May
11th to the new kid on the block
– Team Pink and the planned
Ricky Bobby Super Speedway
in Vernonia, Oregon. The Ricky
Bobby Speedway is the latest
project of the newly formed
Team Pink Inc., the new
NASCAR racing team owned
by Vernonians Robert (Bobby)
Williams and Richard (Ricky)
Heath. Heath, the President of
Country
Iron
M.C.
and
Williams, owner of Williams
Metal Fab, are pleased to make
two big announcements in one
week.
When asked why they chose
the name Team Pink, Williams
and Heath replied in unison,
“Because we like pink”. They
hope to entice famed Vernon-
ian racer Gary Meyer to be the
team’s lead driver. To help
sweeten the pot for Meyer,
Team Pink has offered a multi-
million dollar contract along
with a hometown race track.
The Ricky Bobby Super
Speedway, will be the newest
speedway in the nation when it
is completed this fall at the for-
mer site of an oval dirt track
owned by “the logger gentle-
man” from Vernonia, Ax Men
star Mike Pihl. When asked
about the new track, Pihl said
he is pleased that NASCAR is
coming to Vernonia.
Gary Meyer replied “no com-
ment” when asked if he would ac-
cept Team Pink’s offer. Insiders
have said Meyer may be reluc-
tant to commit to racing for Pink
due to the team’s color scheme.
Everything is pink – pit crew uni-
forms, driver suits and helmets,
even the logo is hot pink. Meyer’s
wife was rumored to have said
“the money’s still green and
what’s wrong with pink”.
Vernonia to Oahu Police Quell Terrible Trouble
Vernonia resident, pilot and
President of Vernonia Airways,
Mike Seager, has announced
plans to start commuter flights
between Oahu, Hawaii and
Vernonia. The flights, starting
April 15, will fly workers and
vacationers between the two
cities three times a day. Ac-
cording to Seager, Vernonia
Airways is still looking for flight
attendants and additional
ground crews. Interested per-
sons are to apply in person at
the Vernonia Airways person-
nel department. Vernonia Air-
ways is an equal opportunity
employer.
Vernonia Police avoided the
possibility of a violent riot at a
local daycare after receiving a
call about a 3 year-old trouble
maker who refused to lie down
for nap time. According to wit-
nesses, when the police ar-
rived on the scene at the Hap-
py Child Daycare they found
the suspect “very cranky, whin-
ing and crying”. The suspect’s
behavior was starting to upset
some of the other nap-takers ,
causing them to rebel as well.
Onlookers said the trouble
maker refused police com-
mands to, “Stop your crying,
put the bottle down and place
your hands on top of your
head.”
After the suspect physically
resisted attempts to place him
into custody, Vernonia Police
Captain Mike Kay quickly took
control of the situation by re-
peatedly tasing the rampaging
child until other officers were
able to regain control. The only
thing Captain Kay (being mod-
est) would say about the inci-
dent was, “my legs will have to
be replaced due to the severe
injury I received.” The Vernonia
City Council is planning an
award ceremony for Captain
Kay and the other officers in-
volved. “Captain Kay is a true
hero, I’m so proud,” said City
Administrator Bob Young.
H a p py A pr i l Fo ol s Da y fr om T he I nd e p e n de n t