A LOT
OF LIFE IN
A LITTLE
SPACE
This is National Want Ad
Week, a good time to delve
into those classified columns,
where brevity is often the
soul of wit and high drama
By JERRY KLEIN
Nobody needed to tell George Wash
ington, Benjamin Franklin, An
drew Jackson, or Abraham Lincoln that
"it pays to advertise." They found out
for themselves.
So have the thousands of other Americans who
run $800 million worth of classified advertise
ments in our newspapers every year. They know
that to rent a houseboat, sell a left-handed glock
enspiel, or locate a long-lost relative, nothing
beats the classifieds. And even as casual reading,
these columns often provide classics of pathos,
inspiration, and humor.
Consider these lines from a New Hampshire
newspaper: "Need secondhand studio couch (not
necessarily comfortable) . Mother-in-law due next
week." Or this ad, pubjished in Massachusetts:
"I have male and female hamsters. Will trade
the lot of them for anything anything!"
The Association of Newspaper Classified Ad
vertising Managers sponsors of National Want
Ad Week, March 10-16 have come up with the
fact that there was humor between the lines of
America's very first such ad. This notice was run
in 1704 in the Boston News Letter by a farmer
who had a "fresh cow" for sale.
When the ad had been set in type, the farmer
was told there was still a little space left and was
asked what else he would like to say. "Well, my
daughter is getting married," he replied. "Can we
say that?" And so the nation's first want ad an-
nounced a cow for sale and a farmer's daughter
to be married all in one.
There wasn't anything humorous, however,
about the classified ads George Washington took.
In 1773, for instance, he placed one offering
20,000 acres of land for sale.
Benjamin Franklin couldn't resist the oppor
tunity to do a little preaching in one of the many
ads he ran. When he learned his wife's prayer
book was filched from church, Ben ran the follow
ing insertion: "The person who took the prayer
book is desired to open it and read the Eighth
Commandment, and afterwards return the prayer
book into the same pew again, upon which no
further notice will be taken."
FAR more indignant was Andrew Jackson, who
once used the classified columns to challenge
to a duel a man who had slurred Mrs. Jackson.
"He is a coward and a poltroon," announced the
General and future President of the United
States. "He will basely insult but has not the
courage to repair."
Abraham Lincoln also advertised directly to
a wrongdoer, but he 5acd his message with wit
"Stolen a watch worth $100," declared the rail
splitter. "If the thief will return it, he shall be
informed where he may steal one worth two of
it, and no questions asked."
A help-wanted ad of Lincoln's era read:
"Wanted, young, skinny, wiry fellows not under
18. Must be expert riders, willing to risk death
daily. Orphans preferred." One of those who re
plied was a fellow named William Cody. As Buf
falo Bill, he and the others who answered this
strange ad wrote a romantic chapter in Amer
ica's frontier history by forming the famous
Pony Express.
An Illinois newspaper carried this historic
classified ad: "Wanted, watchmaker with refer
ences who can furnish tools. State age, experi
ence, and salary required." The ad was run by a
Richard Sears, and one of the respondents was
an ambitious soul named Alvah Roebuck.
"A high-grade young man for office position
requiring some bookkeeping experience," read a
later ad printed in a Michigan paper. "A fine op
portunity for the right applicant" The right ap
plicant turned out to be the late Harlow Curtice
who, as head of General Motors Corp., became
one of the most famous and highest-paid execu
tives in American industry.
Another successful businessman, Walt Disney,
marks his start from the day he answered an ad
in a Missouri newspaper. It read: "Wanted, art
ist. Cartoon and wash drawings. First-class man
wanted. Steady."
And not many years ago, a group of Republi
cans in California used a classified notice to find
a man interested in entering politics as a candi
date for Congress. Response came from a young
Navy veteran whose name you may recognize:
Richard M. Nixon.
The classifieds often supply a charming
glimpse into the everyday lives of America's
newspaper readers. Consider, for instance, the
long-suffering husband in Rochester, N. Y., who
recently told the world: "Notice is hereby given
that my dear wife has purchased still another
driver's permit. The guided missile is a gray '56
Chevrolet. Please exercise extreme caution!"
Or the man who came into a Nevada news
paper office one day and placed an ad declaring:
"I will not be responsible for my wife's debts."
This was followed a few days later by another
ad stating: "My advertisement of Jan. 24 was
an error. I will be responsible for my wife's
debts." On this return visit to the classified
counter, the man was accompanied by his wife,
who wore a pale-blue dress and a dark, deter
mined look.
In Iowa a starry-eyed young man who was
altar-bound advertised his good fortune this way:
"Frederick Harold Green announces his utter
astonishment at being accepted in Holy Matri
mony by the most incomparable Evelyn Estes."
Many a teardrop sparkles in these columns,
too. A newspaper in South Dakota printed this
ad: "Will party who picked up a black cocker
spaniel Sunday either return him or come and
get the three-year-old boy he belongs to?"
Auspicious for all concerned was the classified
declaration made by a Montana doctor. He an
nounced: "I have cancelled and burned all notes,
records, and accounts due me over a period of
39 years. Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a
Happy New Year!"
IUUSTIATION BY JOHN HUEHNEIGAHTH
COVER:
Once compared with Brigitte Bardot and
Marilyn Monroe, actress Lee Remick is now
carving her ovm star image, as you'll learn
on page 10. Photograph by Peter Bosch.
Family
IVeelcly
March 10, 1963
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