Dignity
(Continued)
that when they use these names prop
erly they are showing respect for both
the men and their calling.
Unnecessary formality? We don't
think so. Our country today needs
more scientists, engineers, doctors,
teachers. Yet, instead of building up
in young minds a respect for the pro
fessions, we often tear them down.
Subtly disparaging, we call doctors
sawbones, and lawyers shysters.
From our cleaning woman to our
minister, we and our children address
everyone by his correct name and
we like our own names to be used and
respected. Our children have "family"
names, and we refuse to shorten or
change them. "Don't call me Annie,"
my small daughter protested to a
friend. "My name is Anne, after my
grandmother. I'm not a poor little
orphan girl!"
We don't encourage nicknames;
often they take away from a child's
natural dignity by calling attention to
physical traits which he cannot help.
No child really enjoys being called
Skinny or Freckles. And when these
nicknames carry over into adult life,
the result can be ludicrous. The fattest
woman on our street is called Tiny.'
Comic-strip names, like Pop, Mom,
Unk, Cramps, are taboo in our family.
The children call us Father and
Mother what better?
The Prells, our neighbors, complain
that their youngsters show them no
respect. "The boys yell for Fred as if
he were one of the gang," Mrs. Prell
says. She forgets that she and her
husband encouraged the children to
call them by their first names when
they were tots. It sounded cute; be
sides, they wanted to be "friends" with
their children. But children can be
made to feel that their parents are
their friends without using first
names. Besides, the words Father and
Mother have a connotation of author
ity and the Prell children miss this
reminder of respect for their elders!
IAIhen they go abroad, Americans
usually are astonished at the
time which Europeans spend
over their meals, and the ceremony
attendant on them. In Portugal, for
instance, the youngsters go around the
table and kiss their parents before
leaving a wholesome reminder of the
gratitude they owe them.
Perhaps one reason for the closer
family life observed abroad lies in the
number of hours the family spends
together, savoring their meals. And
perhaps one reason for the decay of
family life in our own country is the
disappearance of the leisurely family
meal of more gracious years.
Few of our homes have dining
rooms any more. We have dining
areas, dinettes, nooks, or we copy the
drugstore and install a counter in the
kitchen. The least formal among us
descend to lapboards, on which we
balance our food with our eyes glued
to the TV screen!
In our family, we Insist on eating
Family Weekly, October 19. 19S
together at a sizable table and with a
degree of formality. As mealtimes are
among the few occasions when we are
all assembled, we try to make them as
pleasant as possible. Unpleasant sub
jects are taboo, and the give-and-take
of "real conversation" is encouraged.
Meals are served simply, but as at
tractively as we can manage.
"It's always like a party at your
house," a small neighbor once said,
admiring the flowers on our table.
"Well, not quite," my little son an
swered thoughtfully. "We have fun,
but we don't have favors every day."
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Guests provide an opportunity for
more ceremony. Naturally, they get
our best china and silver, and a more
elaborate centerpiece. And we cater
to their tastes; we don't want them to
feel "at home" we want them to en
joy a change, to be fussed over and
waited on. We wouldn't dream of let
ting them set foot in the kitchen to
help with the dishwashing chores!
Our youngsters are learning such
formalities as pulling out chairs, offer
ing lights for cigarets, watching the
guests' comfort We don't want them
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neighbor's son was not long ago. Re
turning from a week end at the home
of a college friend, Paul flung himself
on the divan. "So that's that," he said
grimly. "I don't imagine I'll ever go
there again."
Hadn't he enjoyed himself? Didn't
the Brewsters make him welcome?
On the contrary, they were wonder
ful. "It was me," he said, aggrieved. "I
was out of step most of the time. The
Brewsters are so darn polite. Sort of
formal but it's natural to them. John
calls his father 'Sir,' and he pulls out
chairs at table, even for his kid sisters.
Stuff like that."
His mother flushed. To me, she said,
"It's our fault, I guess. We've always
been very informal. I'm afraid Paul's
grown up a bit of a roughneck. Wc
should have given him more polish
everyone isn't as informal as we are."
IAhere callers are concerned, our
" family definitely stands on
ceremony. No, we don't expect
folks to leave calling cards. And wc
don't have At Home days. But neither
do we keep open house, urge people
to "take us as they find us," or en
courage the neighbors' children to use
our back door. Too many families,
especially those who live in the close
quarters of housing developments,
have found that this type of informal
ity has unfortunate results. It leads
to unwanted intimacies, to lack of
privacy, to waste of time.
"I wish I'd never told that Mrs.
Gray to drop in when she felt like it,"
Dolores says wryly. "She's forever on
my doorstep. She trails through the
house after me and it doesn't matter
if the telephone rings. She says, 'Go
right ahead, don't mind me.' And she
sits there with her ears flapping!"
Mrs. Warren, mother of three, com
plains that she gets nothing done.
"The women around here are more
than neighborly running in and out
to borrow things, and hanging around
until you practically have to make
coffee for them!"
We feel, like the Englishman, that
our home is our castle. We like a
measure of privacy. We think the liv
ing room, not the kitchen or laundry,
is the place for callers. If one of our
youngsters answers the door, he says,
"Come in, won't you?" He sees that
the caller is seated, and then says,
"Excuse me I'll tell Mother."
Formal, perhaps, but we have found
this vastly preferable to the usual
teen-age "Hi go right on in. Mom's
in the back someplace." Lack of for
mality, in this case, gives Mother no
chance to take off her apron or collect
her thoughts.
There are, of course, many times
and places where informality is per
missible and pleasant: in the Summer
cottage, the camp, the bungalow at
the shore, for example. And there are
old and intimate friends with whom
we can be as informal, as we please.
But informality should never be an
excuse for lack of self-discipline, lazi
ness, sloppiness, or failure to respect
and consider others.
Family Weekly. October 19, I9JJ