Ihe Gr.Uiarachute. He went down to the breakfast table with enough wet towels wrapped around his head to make a turban for the mahdi. His wifo met him with reproaches in her eyes, but she did not scold him. She wanted to inform him of his conduct the night before, how­ ever. “My dear,” she said, “did you know that you came very near killing us all when you w ent to l>ed last night?” "Nope,” said her husband, thickly, as he felt his hot forehead. “Well, you did. You knocked over the baby’8 cradle. Then you blew out the gas and we were nearly as­ phyxiated. What do you think of that?” Her husband is usually a resourceful man, but the fumes of many’ cocktails taken the night before somew hat cloud­ ed his intellect. He made a grand brace and tried to look pathetic. “M’love, ” he said, as a ray of inspir­ ation burst through his foggy brain, ¡“wasn’t I here to die with you?”— Washington Post. Vanderbilt an Inventor, “She works, Mr. Waite,” said Cor­ nelius Vanderbilt, Jr., as he entered the office of the superintendent of mo­ tive power of the New York Central railroad. He had just come down from Albany, where locomotive No. 947 had been tested to see if the fire box invented by Mr. Vanderbilt was a real fire box or only a toy. The young scion of the great rail­ roading family ran the locomotive him­ self. It was built at the company’s shops at West Albany, and it made its first tirp on Wednesday afternoon. The Vanderbilt fire box can be easily taken out for repairs and put back again. This is an improvement over fire boxes in ust> at present, which can­ not be extracted under 10 days. Young Cornelius, the inventor, is a draftsman in Mr. Waite’s office, and has designed several locomotives. ROYAL BAKING POWDER CO., NEW YORK. Explosive«. The Missionary's Little Joker. A native Maori chieftain, the de- ■Cendant of cannibal kings, is now com­ pleting his medical education in Chi­ cago. Cannibalism ended in his tribe, ha eays, when Bishop Selwyn converted his grandfather; but he tells some stor­ ies of it which have a distinctly humor- rous flavor. For instance: It is said that once a chief captured a missionary who was anything but a toothsome morsel, as he was old and thin and looked as if his flesh would be tough. The missionary warned the chief that he would not make a good dinner, and pulling up his trousers, cut a slice off the calf of his leg and offered it to the chief. The chief tasted it, said he didn’t like it, and passed it to a sub­ chief. The sub tasted it, made a wry face, anil passed it cn. The next man who took a bite of it spat it out. The missionary was released. After he had gone it was discovered that he wore a oork leg. Returned the Compliment. The obsequious person who seeks fees from travelers by pretending to mis­ take them for noblemen occasionally meets one who does not fall into the trap. The following example is taken from an English paper: An English gentleman of somewhat imposing per- ■onal appearance had a door opened for him at the Paris opera house by an usher, who bowed low and said: “The door is open, prince.” The English­ man glanced at him, and, without ex­ tending the expected fee, sipmly said: “Thank you very much, viscount.” Berlin has the smallest elephant in the world. It is but 39 inches high and weighs 160 pounds. Cooked Towels in Vienna. HAS A HOUSE FULL OF HONEY. One of the best known citizens of Santa Clara, who has been along while Wisconsin Farmer Makes a Discovery in an Abandoned Building. Europe, brings back a number of funny stories about Vienna. Mr. Whitte, a Pleasant Prairie, “In that, city,” he says, “pokerand Wis,. farmer, has more bees and honey cocktails are playing the duce with than he knows what to do with. About men and women, especially these pre­ two years ago a swarm of bees took pared cocktails. I was in a Viennese possession of an old frame house on his liquor place where one of the men farm and as they were not disturbed spoke a little English. they multiplied until there are mil­ “ ‘Buy a bottle of cooked towels?’ he lions of them. asked me. Mr. White recently made an attepmt “ ‘Gracious, what is that?’ to enter the old house; he succeeded in “ ‘Not know cooked towels? Surely getting far enough to find the whole monsier is an American?’ interior lined with honey comb and " ‘I am.’ then he made a hasty retreat. He says “ ‘Why cooked towels is the name of there must be several hundred pounds your drink. The great American of honey there, but he does not want drink. ’ any of it at present. He will wait for “ ‘Do you mean cocktails?’ 1 asked. zero weather before making another at­ “ ‘Ah, mon Dieu, no. Cooked tow­ tempt. els. See, here’s the inscription. ’ Nearly all the omnibus horses in “ ‘We call these cocktails, my friend. ’ London are imparted from the United “ ‘Ah, thank you, I thank you. I States and Canada. ask the American ladies and gentlemen to buy the cooked towels and they i An ordinary' dinner-table wine glass laugh at me. Now I know. It is was recently broken by singing. The cockus tails. Ah, that is good to know; man who did it had a deep, full voice. cockus tails.’ ”—San Francisco News He set the glass on the table, stood be­ Letter. side it and ran up and down the scale In Too Great Haste. as though in search of a note. When Wife—What’s the matter, John? he settled on one rather high the glass You walk lame. Husband—Yes, a shook visibly. The note was repeated, pretty girl with fluffy hair and dia­ sung as loudly as possible, and finally mond earrings got on the car coming the glass shivered and crashed into bits. up, and I sprained my leg in giving her a seat.—New York World. The lily of the valley contains prus­ sic acid. It is thought dangerous to No One Said Nay. “Scotland’s emblem is a thistle, and put the stalks in a person’s mouth, be­ her poets are fond of talking about cause if the sap chances to get into a braes,” said the reckless punster. crack in the lips an annoying swelling “One would judge from this that Cale­ is produced. donia is a paradise for donkeys.” 25c SAMPLE BOTTLE 10c FOR NEXT 30 DAYS Ä MAGNIFICENT WOMAN. Thirty years ago there were only two dozen explosive compounds known toj chemists; now there are over 1,000. Parsing of the Horse. So soon as nature sees an improvement there is a change. The candle gave way to electricity and the horse to the automobile. The fact that Hostetter’s btomach Bitters lias been sold for over half a century, proves its value. There is not hing to equal it for stomach or livor trouble, The Old Man Caught. The Father—Young man, I think I heard you kissing my daughter in the parlor a short while ago. The Young Man—Oh! then you are not as deaf as people think you are, af­ ter all ?—Yonkers Satesman. There is more Catarrh in this section of the country than all other diseases put together, and until the last few years was supposed to be incurable. For a great many years doctors pro­ nounced it a local disease, and prescribed local remedies, and by constantly failing to cure with local treatment, pronounced it incurable. Science has proven catarrh to bo a constitu­ tional disease, and therefore requires constitu­ tional treatment. Hall’s Catarrh Cure, man­ ufactured by F. J. Cheney A Co., Toledo, O.’’.io, is t he only constitutional cure on the market. It is taken internally in doses from 10 drops to a teaspoonful. It acts directly on the blood and mucous surfaces of the system. They offer one hundred dollars for any case it falls to cure. Send ior circulars and testimonials. Ad­ dress, F. J.CliENEY A CO., Toledo, O. Sold by Druggists, 75c. Hall’s Family Pills are the best. Literary Switzerland. A French statistician records that Switzerland produces annually more books than any other country in pro­ portion to the number of inhabitants— namely, one to every 3,000. Germany comes next with one to every 3,200, Italy with one for 3,300, France one for 3,500, England one for 6,500 and the United States one for 12,400.— Pittsburg Post. Improved Trnin Kquipinent. The O. R. & N. and Oregon Short Holds Up Peruna as the Ideal Rem­ Line have added a buffet, smoking and library car to their Portland-Chicago edy For Female Catarrh. No DISEASE has so baffled the medical through train, and a dining car service skill of all ages ¿s RHEUMATISM. lias been inaiiguarated. The train is equipped with the latest chair cars, and no remedy has ever been known day coaches and luxurious first-class to cure It until ”5 Drops,” and ordinary sleepers. Direct connec­ tion made at Granger with Union Pa­ the Rheumatic Cure demonstrated Its cific, and at Ogden with Rio Grande wonderful Durative power. line, from all points in Oregon, Wash­ ington and Idaho to all Eastern cities. It has never failed to oure RHEUMATISM For information, rates, etc., call on In any form, Acute or Chronic, any O. K. & N. agent, or address W. 11. Hurlburt, General Passenger Agent, Here 1« what a Prominent Physician has to say who has had 35 years of active Practice of Medicine : [ thade mark ] Portland. 1)1 io I’S^ 1 J J I have never before in ray 35 vears of practice of medicine given my testimonial or recom­ mendation to any patent medicine, but there is a remedy, the result of which has come under my own observation ; for there is no Disease which has so baffled the medical skill of all ages as Rheumatism and to find a Reliable remedy for the same. At last we have found it in M5 DROPS,” manufactured by the Swanson Rheumatic Cure Company, Chicago, Ill. The ”5 DROPS,” has proven itself wonderful for its curative power in Rheumatism, not as a Temporary Reliever only, but to give a Permanent Cure even in chronic cases. Sometime ago. I had among others several Rheumatic cases, under ray treatment and prescribed for these patients the very best Remedies which I skillfully selected, but without desirable results. I theu beard of ”5 DROPS” and of its Wonderful Cures, and prescribed it to a few patients who found relief from its use within a few days. After that I prescribed it to a great number and to my surprise, I will say that in the course of Two or Three Weeks after they had used ”5 DROPS6 and ”5 Drop” Plasters they were Cured. Among these were a few who had, for a number of years, been suffering with Chronic Rheumatism, who had piloted themselves around on Crutches. They came to my office with­ out Crutches and told me they were perfectly Well. They give all the credit to •• 5 DROPS ” sad to ”5 Drop” Plasters and this is their testimony to the Swanson Rheumatic Cure Com­ pany for their kindness and for the conscientious way in which they are placing these Wonder­ ful Remedies among suffering humanity, which they told me to write to the Company as an acknowledgement. As I have seen the Curative Power of DROPS” and ”5 Drop” Plasters, in a great jnany instances, I can Truly recommend them and also that the firm is perfectly honest and re­ liable to deal with. C. A. JACKSON, Physician and Surgeon, Kearney, Neb., Aug. 29, 1899. Haw Lang Maw Yaw Raftered with RHEUMATISM Y LongHm Too KooV About -* DWrt" Without Taking Thom? Do you not think you have wasted precious time and suffered enough? If so, then try the “ 5 drops ” and be promptly and permanently cured of your afflictions. “ 5 Drops ’’ is a speedy and Sure Cure for Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Sciatica, Lumbago (lame back). Kidney Diseases, Asthma, Hay-Fever, Dyspepsia, Catarrh cf all kinds, Bronchitis, La Grippe, Headache, Nervous or Neuralgic, Heart Weakness, Dropsy, Earache, Spasmodic and Catarrhal Croup, Toothacne, Nervousness, Sleeplessness, Creeping Numbness, Halaria, and kindred dis­ eases. “ 5 Drops ’’ has cured more people, during the past four years, of the above named diseases than all other remedies known, and in case of Rheumatism is curing more than all the doctors, patent tnedicinea, electric belts and batteries combined, for they cannot cure Chronic Rheumatism. Therefore, waste no tpore valuable time and money longer, but try “5 Drops ” and be promptly CURED. “ 5 Drops ” is not only the best medicine, but it is the cheapest, for a jr.oo bottle contains 300 doses. Price per bottle ft .00, prepaid by mail or express, or 6 bottles for ij.co. For the next jo days we will seed a a$c. sample FREE to any one •auding 10 cents to pay for the mailing. Agents wanted. Write to-day. SWANSON RHEUMATIC CURS CO., 160-164 E. LAKE STREET, CHICAGO. A half million-dollar cotton mill if, to be erected in North Carolina and operated by electric power entirely. Piso’s Pure for Consumption has been a family medicine with us »Ince 188ft. —J. It. Madison, 2409 42d Ave., Chicago, Ills. Mr* Ciara Makemer. Mrs. Clara Makemer, housekeeper for the Florence Crittenden Anchorage Mis­ sion, of Chi ago, writes the following letter from 302 Chestnut street, Chi­ cago: “Peruna is the best tonic I have ever known for general debility, a sure cure for liveT complaint, and a never failing adjuster in cases of dyspepsia. “I have used it in cases of female irregularities and weak nerves com­ mon to the sex, and have found it most satisfactory.” From early girlhood to the end of the child-bearing period few women are entirely free from some degree of ca­ tarrh of the pelvic organs. With Peruna the thousand and one ailments dependent upon catarrh of the pelivc organa can be wholly averted. “Health and Beauty” sent free to women only, by The Peruna Medicine Co., Columbus, Ohio. To help the lock-out workmen in Denmark an entertainment and ball was given in Brooklyn recently. CITQ Permanently (’iiri»<1. No fltaor nervou*neiw ■ lid aftr-r first day s iiw of Or. Kline’s Great Nerve Restorer. Bend for I REK 9^.00 trial bottle and treatise. IJ(. R. H. KLINK. Ltd , IMU Arch street, Philadelphia. Pa. A 4500,000 sugar beet factory has been offered Fort Dodge if sufficient beets are guaranteed. Mothers will find Mrs. Winslow’s Sooth­ ing Syrup the best remedy to use for their children during the teething period. For 13 years the left arm of Eli Forbes, of East Bruahfield, Maas., had been useless from rheumatism. He was sitting at his window one evening recently when a thunderstorm arose. A flash of lightning seemed to play about his affected arm, causing a shock and prolonged pricking sensation. In an instant the arm shot forward invol­ untarily, and from that time it has been as well as ever. COIN FOR UNIVERSE. DEMAND FOR MONEY THAT WILL BE THE SAME EVERYWHERE. and excited, rushed to her. She hesi­ tated but a moment before falling Into hfe arms. The parson did his work, but her first love was the bridegroom. The Detroiter admits that he made up his mind in a flash that he would rather be a bachelor than food tor fishes. Talk of a Cosmopolitan Coin I. Not New-How to It Traveler, Would and Prove a Boon Trader, in All Countries. For many years commercial men of all nationalities have spoken and writ­ ten ou the subject of the introduction of u system of coinage which should have u universal staudard. The proposition has tailed to meet with success ou ac­ count of the difficulty lu persuading the people of different countries to abandon their own systems ot coinage, which appear to them part and parcel of them­ selves as much as their language itself. “The time seems approaching,” said a financier, “when it will be possible and perhaps advisable for the great nations of the earth to meet In convention and adopt a coin which shall be cosmopol­ itan, the weight anil fineness of which might be determined ay the convention and the minting of which might be In­ trusted to a body of experts made ap of representatives from all the nations who care to enter Into the project. It may be some time before this comes about, yet It would greatly facilitate International business, especially since large Internation il transaciions have come to be quite common. Such a coin would probably never supp’aut the coin local to the various countries In which also the cosmopolitan coin became cur­ rent, yet with education taking such strides as It scents to be doing every­ where it ought not to be difficult to In­ struct the children In schools in the table of the proposed coin and give them practical Illustrations In Its use. Such a coin would not be welcomed en- thuslastlcally by small trade; s In d ffer- ent countries who are wont to profit by the unfamiliarity of travelers with the coin of the realm and their natural be­ wilderment In attempting to fix In their minds the comparative value of articles considered In relation to the money they have always banditti, but It would be a boon to the great traveling world’s public, to our globe-trotting commercial travelers, to opulent tourists and to In­ digent emigrants. The current Is sure­ ly In the direction of a universal har­ monizing of commercial Interests and the elimination of all the little lucky cards and a relegation of all things and people In trade to a sound basis of In­ trinsic merit.” “The subject of a cosmopolitan coin Is not a new one," said a member of a banking firm. “In some of the aspects of the case it appenrs to be very desir­ able. It has been suggested that the various commercial nations agree upon a gold coin, of un form weight and fine­ ness, to be given a name which would be understood In most of the countries agreeing to Its coinage. Each country is to coin Its own p eceis and to be re­ sponsible for their accuracy. The coin Is to have on one side the stamp or legend of the country coining it and on the other Its universal name. It will readily be seen that with such a coin In universal use, both In practice and accounts, commercial transactions would no doubt be greatly facilitated. I do not look, however, for Its early ac­ complishment. ItB desirability Is not sufficient to overcome the long estab­ lished customs of the various countries so as to lead them to relinquish the names and styles of their various coins. Conservative England, for Instance, with It» cumbrous system. Is not likely to relinquish Its pounds, shillings and pence ami adopt the decimal system of France, Germany, Italy and the United States. And it Is not likely that the lat­ ter would give up their quick and handy decimal system for that of England. On the whole, the Idea Is a very good one, but, like many other good things — like the propos d metrical system, for Instance—Impossible of accomplish­ ment for various reasons at present." CHANGtD HER B-tIDEGROOMS. While Eloping with One She Found the Other. There Is a Detroiter who was a prin­ cipal In one of the queerest elopements on record, declares the Free Press of that city. He was at a resort In the upper lake regions. Among the guests was a beautiful girl from the South, educated In a convent and unsophisti­ cated as to the ways of the world. The Detroiter found her one day vainly try- I Ing to cast a fly and taught her the I trick. It took time; he did not believe In crowding her education, and they be­ came very friendly. A natural result followed, and when he presented his case to her father the old gentleman, metaphorically speaking, tore up the sod. Ills daughter was engaged, this new lover knew It, and If he didn’t drop the matter Just where It was he would either be thrown Into the lake or pumped full of lead. The maiden thought a good deal of the man she had left behind, but the new Infatuation was stronger, so an elopement was planned. When they weut stealthily to the boathouse at night every craft was securely locked np except an Indian canoe. He was not an artist In proi>elling such a tmat, but they “sailed’' away. They kept close to the shore, but he grew overconfident, leaned suddenly toward her to renew some of bls vows, and over they went. He managed to keep her afloat and shouteel so lustily that the guide at a near-by camp rowed to the rescue. She was soon stowed away beneath blankets, and be made the acquaint­ ance of a lot of Botithernem who bad lust arrived for hunting and fishing. He told his story, all were sympathetic and a messenger was hurried off Into 1 the country for a parson, as It was i thought beat to put an Insuperable bar­ rier In the way of the wratby father. | When the bride stepped forth for the iceremony one of the Southerners, pale Ants nn Trees, Wherever ants nbound upon trees and plants. It shows that the trees are infested with Aphis plant lice, which are doing the harm to the plant. These plant lice suck the Juices of the plant, and secrete a sweet substance, which Is much liked by the ants, who go among them gathering up this sweet sulwtance, which is often called honey dew, as, where trees are very thickly Infested with the Aphis, it often drops from the trees In such quantities as to appear like dew under them. These Aphis being attended by the ants are often called the ants’ cows, as they are known to carry the Aphis from plant to plant, as cue might move their cows to fresh pastures. The destroying of the ants will not help the trees, but If the Aphis are destroyed by spraying with kerosene emulsion or a strong Infusion of tobac­ co the ants will leave also. Richard Whltelng, the author of “No. 5 John Street,” is at work upon a new novel and also upon a Berles of papers for an American magazine. Georg Brandes, the Danish critic, tells how Ibsen was once loud In his praises of Russia. “A splendid coun­ try!” he said; “think of all the grand oppression they have! Only think of all the glorious love of liberty it engen­ ders! Russia Is one of the few coun­ tries In the world where men still love liberty and make sacrifices for It.” Kipling writes all his verses while humming tunes which are generally Irish, If William Strong, the artist, who visited Kipling before Ids illness. Is correct. The interesting confession is given in the poet’s words: “I take up, for example,” he said, “the ‘Wearing of the Green,’ and bum It over and over, and the spirit moves me to write words to tit it.” It Is queer to note, now that the thing is mentioned, that “Manda­ lay” goes to the tune of “Wearing of the Green.” Try It. Victor Cherbullez, of the French Academy, who has died at th? age of 70, has sometimes been called the French Anthony Trollope; but except in fertility of production there was nothing In common between them. Cherbullez wrote like a scholar and a gentleman, but Ids novels were often dull, and of late years he had been to­ tally eclipsed by M. Anatole France. Ills critical writings were of great merit, for he had the advantage, un­ common In a literary Frenchman, of knowing several languages besides his own. He knew English and German literature thoroughly and his sympa­ thies were proportionately wide. A well-known English publisher. In the course of a conversation, has Inci­ dentally revealed the portentous fact that no fewer than 1,200 novels on the average are submitted to his firm alone In the course of every year. To find the total annual output of manu­ script fiction It Is happily not necessa­ ry to multiply this number by that of the existing publishing Imuses, since a vast proportion of such manuscripts, of course, “go the rounds” from one unappreciative firm to another. But even when all due allowance has been made on this score, ample evidence remains of a waste of time and energy in the production of fiction which is depressing to contemplate. Of the an­ nual 1,200 works submitted to the par­ ticular firm In question, only J bout half a dozen, it appears, gain accept­ ance. LUCKY IN MONEY AND LOVE. The Van lerbitt Heir nnl Hie Pretty Fiancee, Alfred Gwynne Vanderbilt, who will probably Inherit Ihe bulk of the $100,- 000.000 fortune left by Cornelius Van­ derbilt, Is the second living son of the late steward of the Vanderbilt wealth. Alfred was educated In Yale. He wae very |M>pular among the students In the big university. While still In Ills studies Alfred fell lu love with Miss Elsie French, and be was quite Impatient ts married. Ills father, however, per­ suaded him to wait until after his grad­ uation and likewise until be bad made a tour of the world before settling down. Miss French Is offly 1H, and very t>eautlful. She la the daughter of the late Francis Ormond French. The fu­ ture Mrs. Vanderbilt baa a fortune of her own of nearly 15,000,000. I k * "The Free German Ithtne." Nikolaus Becker, who wrote the patri­ otic song, "They Never Shall Have It. the Free German Rhine," Is to be hon­ ored by a monument at Geilenkirchen. When a funeral Is held on a Sunday, a man knows that be can Invent no ex­ cuse for stay,ng away thtft hie wife will accept,