SEMI-WEEKLY
TELEPHONE
M’MINNVILLE, OREGON, DECEMBER 24, 188(5.
WEST SIDE 'TELEPHONE.
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'l’liftier,
lublishers and Proprietor».
SUBSCRIPTION RATES:
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75
Entered in the Poslofllce ut McMinnville, Or.,
as »ecoiid-claas matter.
JOHNSON, M. D.
H. V. V.
Northwest corner of Second anil B streets,
M c M innville
OREGON
May be found at his office when not absent on pro
fessional business.
LITTLEFIELD & CALBREATH,
and Surgeons,
Physicians
M c M innville
AND LAFAYETTE.
OR
J. F. Galbreath. M D.. ottico over Yamhill County
Bank, McMinnville, Oregon.
jj R. Littlefield, M. D., office on Main street,
Lafayette, Oregon.
S. A. YOUNG-. M. D.
Physician and Surgeon,
M c M innville
-
-
oregon
Office and residence on D street.
answered day or night.
AU calls promptly
DR. G-. F. TUCKER,
DENTIST,
M c M innville
-
Office- T^ d doors east
-
oregon .
-
of Bingham's furniture
•tore.
Laughing gas administered for painless extraction.
ST. CHARLES HOTEL
The Leading Hotel of McMinnville.
|l and f.’ House. Single meals 25 cents.
Fine Sample
Room* for Commercial Men
F.MULTNER, Prop.
W. V. PRIC E,
PHOTOGRAPHER
UpStairs in Adams’ Building,
M c M innville
-
oregon
CUSTER POST BAND,
The Best in the State.
1« prepared
furnish music for all occasions at reason
able rates. Address
IV. .T. ROWLAND,
Business Manager, McMinnville.
M’MINNVILLE
Livery, Feed and Sale Stables,
Corner Third and D streets, McMinnville
LOGAN BROS. & HENDERSON,
Proprietors.
The Best Rigs in the City. Orders
Promptly Attended to Day or Night.
“ORPHANS’ HOME”
BILLIARD HALL.
AHtrlctly Temperance Re.ort.
8uiw goodd) Church luembers to the contrary not
withstanding.
“Orphans’
Home 99
TONSORIAL PARLORS,
The only first cl»M, and the only parlor-llke shop In the
ciiy. None but
First-clan*
Workmen
Employed.
Tint door south of Yamhill County Bank Building.
m . minnville , oregon .
H. H. WELCH.
—One of the most important rule» in
the science of m inners is that you pre
serve an almost absolute silence con
cerning yourself. Play the comedy,
some Jay, of speaking of your own in
terests to ordinary acquaintances, and
you will see feigm-d attention swiftly
followed by indifference and then by
wearines«, until every one has found a
pretext for leaving «yon. But if you
wish to group about you the sympathies
of all and to b«- considered a charming
and agreeable fellow, talk to them of
themselves, seek some way of bringing
each of them intt> action in turn; then
they will smile at vou, think well of
son and praise you when you are gone
—Lord Derby, father of the present
Earl, when a young man, was one of the
oast speakers in Parliament He was
known as the “Prince Rupert of de
bate,” and seemed so self-possessed as
Jo be incapable of embarrassment But
ne said: “When I am going to speak
®y throat and lipa are as dry as
those of a man who is going to be
Lnr^l'l
WILD
ANIMALS.
Their Gradual lte<-e»»lou Before th« Ad-
vanee ot Modern Civilisation.
QUAKER LANDLORDS.
■rotil-Brhnuied Hutuiuer Hutel - keepm
Who Ar« L'O 1« All ILlad» ot Suuff.
A THIBETAN STUDENT.
I
How De Koron, the Great Asiatic Scholar«
Lived and Worked.
The wild animals of England are now
Probably there never was a scholar
The gentle Quaker Is to be found at
few in number. At Chillingworth
who, in the pursuit of his favorite
almost
every
summer
resort
along
ths
Park, in Northumberland, there are
study, was capable of sucli abstemious
some wild oxen. Had the fox not been New Jersey coast, and he is a fixture ness or showed such a lofty contempt
and
a
feature
of
the
lake
and
mountain
preserved for the cha«e it would long
for the very necessaries and decencies
ago have been extinct. Dogs have a resorts of Pennsylvania. In your mind's of life as De Koros. He lived like an
eye
you
picture
him
with
a
venerable
strong repugnance to the wolf, but de
eremite, barring the use of the hair
light in the chase of the fox. In cold beard, bald-head, broad-brimmed hat shirt and the scourge. At Yangla,
and
buckle
shoes,
but
your
mind
’
s
eye
countries foxes are of various colors.
with a Lama and one attendant, he
Red foxes are so abundant in the wood is way oft’. In a great many instances lived for four months in an apartment
“
William
”
keeps
the
hotel,
and
he
has
ed districts of the fur countries that
nine feet square. The temperature
many thousand skins are annually ex a business look about him to make was below zero and the three were
things
snap.
Any
one
who
takes
him
ported from America to Britain. The
regularly snowed up. Here De Koros
foi a moss-back will presently hear read
Thibetan manuscripts literally
fur of the black fox is h’ghly valued. something drop.
from morning till night, with hands so
W bile the writer was engaged upon th’s
“
1
we
‘
come
thee
and
thine,
”
observes
ait ele the following circumstance came William, as the guest-walks up to the numbed that he could hardly turn over
the pages. His food was boiled rico
un ler his notice. On the Alveston Hill register.
tea, favored with rancid butter.
estat-, near Stafford-on-Avon, a litter
That’s all right and proper, and vis and
of eleven foxes, apparently about six ions of first-floor rooms at seven dollars He drank no spirits and would not eat
weeks o'd, all taipo and doc’le, have per week float through a man’s mind. fruits, though Zanskar produces chest
nuts and apricots in abundance. The
taken pi s e-sion of a rabbit hole in a
“Wilt thou tarry with me?” inquires latter, when dried, form the chief food
hank at the foot of a clump of trees. William,
in a voice as soft as butter.
of the natives. He cared nothing for
The young cubs, notwithstanding the
You wilt. That’s what you’ve come the outer world, wanted neither news
presence of numerous people attracted for.
You register your name and ask papers nor modern books, but was
to the spot by the novel sight, leave to look at rooms.
quite happy with Thibetan volumes on
their hole anil drink occasionally out of
“I know I can satisfy thee,” observes religion, astrology, poetry, philosophy
a trough containing milk which lias William,
as
he
leads
the
way.
“
I
sup
and history, written or printed in
been
placed
there
for
their
thee prefers the first floor?”
wooden types, and kept in in
use. T e an'nials are as tame, pose
Thee does. He is shown a bed-room
puppies,
and
as
... .
___
__
the
vis tor a trifle larger than a coffin, without a destructible bookeases of cedar,
easily induces thepi to come, forth by bell, gas or other conveniences, and At Titaliya he lived in a native
hut, regardless of heat, damp and
whistling softly and call'ng them. They
informed that he can tarry a mosquitoes.
He refused the hos
are content to be picked up and caress blandly
week for twenty-two dollars.
If he
by
Major
ed, and they play about in the most should so far forget himself as to remain pitality ottered him
amusing manner. An artist has been two weeks a reduction of one dollar per Lloyd, who. we believe, commanded a
detachment of Sepoys at Titaliya. In
to the spot an l photographed the whole week would be maue.
Calcutta he never even took his ride on
group. It is thought that the dog fox
“I have still others to show thee,” --- -------------
------------
___
Course in ----------
the evening,
but -----
walked
has been killed, an I that the vixen has says William, and you finally accept of the
carried her cubs to the place mentioned. a room and stow yourself away, be about the compound or limited grounds
In corroboration of this it may tie stated cause you can’t do better. William has of the Asiatic Society, and only saw an
friend or some Oriental schol
.........................
that when first d’scovered only four or the budge on you, and he knows it intimate
five cubs were to be seen, and they have Candles are cheaper than gas, and he ar. No wonder that English officials
gradually incr -ascii until the pri sent knows you’ll put up with them. Electrio were compelled to describe him as “a
singular union of learning, modesty
number has been reached.
bells cost money, and he knows you’ll
The wild cat finds its
retreat come to the office to report your wants and greasy habits”. A countryman,
among the mountains of Scotland
________
and or let them go unrelieved. His beds who, as an artist, happened to be in
the northern counties of England and are hard as boards, but people sleep on Calcutta and paid him a visit, was evi
dently amazed at this “prison life”.
of Wales and Ireland, the ’ larger
u woods
in preference to the floor. His We are not surprised to find that he
being its place of concealment It has them
won’t compare with an ordinary had some difficulty in expending the
been eal'ed the “British Tiger. ” One table
country hotel, but you must eat or go monthly allowance of fifty rupees
was killed in Cumberland wh’ch meas hungry.
waiter softly thee’s and fgranted him by Government; that he
ured five feet from the nose to the end thou’s you, The
but the coffee is dish water eft untouohed a sum voted him by the
of the tail. When Christopher Colum and
C .F■»■ 11*1 All of 4 the
L zx A Asiatic
clnfin QnzJ
zx4«r a and
n «1 4- that
lin 4-
the butter stale. At the office thee I Council
Society
bus discovered America a hunter is told
to make thyself at home, but the he repeatedly refused all aid from pri
brought h ni one which he found in the price of
cigars, billiards and bowls vate sources. Indeed his retiring and
woods. The hedgehog has been said to
the impression of highway rob modest disposition was not incompati
be proof against poison. A German create
bery.
ble witli a certain amount of unamiable
physician who wish -d to dissect one
Thee can’t get a bathing’suite any haughtiness and asperity. We could
gave it pruss’c acid, but it took no ef cheaper
of William than of the Hebrew wish that he had lived more generously,
fect; neither did arsenic, opium nor on the corner.
wagon charges thee changed his blue cotton dress oftener
corrosive sublimate. It has been found just as much for His
a ride, and his porter and enjoyed a few simple pleasures.
to eat a hundred cantharides without wants feeing and
his bootblack grabs Dofninie Sampson was a profound
injury. Plutarch mentions the case of
his dime the same as at the tavern scholar, but in the ruins of Derncleugh
of a man who dis overed that a hedge for
ungodly. William professes to he feasted with Mcrrilies, and fairly
hog generally has its
burrow of the thee
with milk at the table, but drank her health in a cupful of brandy.
open at various points and warned serve
waters it. He talks of dairy butter, A more generous diet and a little qui
by the inst'net of atmospheric change. he
he serves thee with a mockery. He nine might have enabled De Koros to
(topped up the opening next the quarter but
thee there are no mosquitoes, and survive the malarious fever of the
whence the wind would blow, and thus tells
thus
saves the expense of screens while Rungpore Terai.— Saturday lieview.
a
certainty
to
wh
’
ch
pre lie ed to
you fight the pests all night.
would
shift,
wind
quarter the
FAITHFUL UNTO DEATH.
fact, Old Broadbrim is up to snuff
Moles show changes of weather, at In
all
the
resorts,
and
you
’
ve
got
to
get
The
Tart
a Voting Reporter Played in His
dryness
of
The temperature or
—
—.----- —
with all your cash on your
Last .Special.
»
the a'r governs that underground drowned
to get ahead of him forevena
worker in his motions ns to the depth at person
It
is
not
so
many
years
ago
that
nick'e. Every “thee” costs you fifteen
which it I ves or works; though this cents,
Tony B-----, the attache of a Central
and
it
is
never
more
than
two
unquestionably is partly due. no doubt, “thees” fora quarter.— M. Quad, in Iowa papor, now defunct, rode out from
to its want of food or inability to bear Detroit
Free Press.
a Southern Iowa city one bright morn
cold, or thirst. The weasel has been
ing perched daringly on the brake of a
known to become domesticated. The
WHAT BETTS SAID.
method adopted to obtain this end is to
flat car that w is attached to a "wild
stroke them gently over the back, and A Female Witness Who Was Promptly freight” and loaded with iron rails.
to threaten or beat them when they at
Excused by the Attorneys.
He was like other reporters—made up
tempt to bite. It nas been found that
A sharp-visaged. keen-eyed and very of vices and virtues—only the first
when their teeth have been rubbed with garrulous old lady named Betts was a
seen by the World, the latter best
garlic all inclination to bite has been
removed. Their b’to is generally fatal: witness in a case tried in a country vil known by his intimate friends. He
a hare oj ' rabb t once severely bitten lage. When asked to state what she had been in newspaper work for about
never recover--. Button gives the case knew of the matter before the court she six years, was thoroughly capable, and
of a weasel being found with three replied: “Well, it was like this: My scored more “scoops’’ than were ever
young ones in the carcass of a wolf man and me we both see the fuss, and sez recorded against him. This, in the
that was grown putrid, and that bad I to Betts, sez I, and sez Betts to me, eyes of the city editor, insured his en
trance into paradise.
b-en hung up by the hind legs as a ter
To make the story short, forty miles
ror to others. In this strange and hor sez he”—
“
State
what
you
saw
only.
”
out from its starting point the “wild”
rid retreat the weasel had retired to
“
Very
well.
‘
Betts,
’
sez
he,
‘
’
Eliza
freight, with a l -ap of madness and a
bring forth her young: she had fur
terrible crash, went through a'bridge,
nished the cavity with hay, grass and beth.’ says he, and”—
“
No
matter
what
either
of
you
said.
”
down sixty feet, anil Tony sitting on a
leaves; and the young ones were just
“
No,
I
s'pose
not.
Well,
sez
I
to
brake beam. It was over in an instant.
brought forth when they were discov
ered by a peasant pa s ng that way.— Betts, sez I, Betts,’ and Betts he sez, Such things don’t wait for time t >
sez
he,
‘
Look
vender.
’
And
sez
I
to
oatch up with them. When the con
C ambers' Journal.
Betts, sez 1, ‘Where?’ jest like that, sez ductor of the train (the only one unin
I. And Bet's he sez, sez he”—
jured) crawled out of the wreck, his eyes
“We care nothing for what your hus fell first on Tony, lying across the aid *
The Ascension of Mont Blanc.
band or you said, again interrupted of a dismautl -<i box-car, on his che ■
The highest mountain in Europe was the lawyer.
a heavy rail, his legs crushed, ami dyin-r
“Oh, I s'pose not. But if Betts hadn't Beyond him lav a dead brakeman: th ■
ascended for the Erst time a hundred
of said to me, as he did say, sez he,
years ago. On August 8, 1786, Jacques ‘Look yender,’ and if I hadn't of said engineer wa« buried under his machine,
by a large b .wider was the fir
Bal mat and Dr. Paccard succeeded in to Betts, ‘Where?’ as I did sav to him, and
man, with a broken back. Tony was
reaching the top of Mont Blanc, after jest like hat, and if Betts hadn’t gone conscious, and. when the ocSiductor
several unsuccessful attempts.
At on then and said, sez he, ‘Over there,’ reached him, asked for a paper an I
Bencil. They were found in his pocket .
tempts had been made previously by sez he, and I sez to Betts, sez I”—
“Stop! What has Betts to do with this
Enable to write himself, he dictat
eight Englishmen (in 1741.) and b
this, angrily ordering the men wh
Saussure and Burrit toward the close o’ case.”
"Nothing, thank goodness! Betts is had come up to let him alone:
the century. Balmat. being the first
C-------- R-------- -. Mansirinf Editor Star,-----
person who discovered the way up, re too decent a man to be mixed up with lows:
through bridge at------- . Wa-
ceived a prize establ shed for this oh rows of this sort; only he comes in, and on board Train
and am hurt. Will s«ad full par
tloulars at once
-
T. H
ject by Saussure. Ilis companion lost sez he to me”—
“What did you see?”
A farm :r was secured who conveyed
his sight for four «lays and became s<
“
Didn't
see
the
first
livin
’
thing,
till
it to the nearest station. Then this
ill that he narrowly escapi-d with h.s
bov, true to his dutv and not flinchinz
life. Forty-one years later a new road, Betts sez, sez he”—
"Let
the
witness
step
down,
”
said
previously impracticable, was discov
before death, suffering frightful agony,
the
lawyer.
—
Youth,'»
Companion.
.___ _____ From 1786
and while willing hands sought in va n
ered by two Englishmen.
to 185'i only 49^ ascents were made.
to release him from his position,
Between 1876 ami 1880 869 tourists
a “special” of one thousand
—It is a rhistake to put spoons in ths dictated
five hundred words to his paper. What
reached the summit, not including holder handles down.
e-uid s. Up to 1880 25 men, including
he suffered no one can ever know. It
—When drain pipes or other places was with difficulty that he could
7 tourist«, had lost their lives on Mont
get
sour
or
impure
they
may
be
cleansed
Blan-. In September. 1870, 3 tour st«.
breathe, and every gasp cost him a
3 guides, ami i> porters were surprise«’ with lime water, carbolic acid or chlor I wrnnch of agonv. But he held de ith
ide
of
lime.
—
Exchange.
back down to the last few lines: "Th-,
b7 ■ snow-storm, which lasted 8 day-
—To stone raisins eas'ly ponr boiling killed were----- ” and so on. ending
At the eml of that t me the corpses were
found l.-'OJ feet from the summit—A water over them and drain it off. This with the name of ■'Tony B----- , repor
loosens them and them come out with ter.’’ As he ended that his eyes fills 1
F. Poet.
ease. — The Household.
with tears, and he looked up wistful: ,
—Celery grown upon a clay soil is to the conductor, who had written th
—An immense quantity of jewelry is more «olid and better flavored than that telegram for him, and who him<4
asw made from thin layer« of gold alloy grown upon muck, b it it does not grow could not keep hia tears back. "Tri
my mother,” said Tony, “that I <1
upon an ingot of brass formed while it so tall.— Cincinnati Times.
—You may grow Melilot or sweet my duty: and. boys, nisi that over th
is hot Ou the ingot cooling it is forced
between steel rollers into a long, thin clover for the l>ees to gat bar honey from wires tor m •. It’s a 'scoop. ”
ribbon, each part of which is, of course, late in the season/ but not for stock as went over the wires all right, and
■till covered with the gold alloy, incal they will not eat it. It has a bitter was a “aooop;” but before It v.
culably thin, but which wears for years, taste. It will perpetuate itself ingood printed Tony was dead.— BL /“<
HoMr Preet.
land without cultivation. “
'
and can be molded into any »hape
'
NO. 56.
AN HOUR OF TERROR.-
How n Quiet Boarder Canned Intense
Excitement In a Hash-House.
When he had been there one week the
boarding-house keeper said that he was
one of the nicest, quietest young men
she had ever had in her house. He had
no complaints to make at the table, and
he left his room so slick and clean that
the chambermaid had suspicions that he
was a woman in disguise. At the end
of a month, rather than have him go,
the landlady would have agreed to pur
chase porterhouse steak once a week,
and to replace the old rug in his room
with a new one costing fifty cents. The
other night, however, her enthusiasm
received a set-back. One of the board
ers came down stairs and reported that
he had heard groans and sighs and
curses from the quiet boarder s room.
Three or four people tip-toed up, and
after a bit they plainly caught his
words:
"Ouch! Hang it! Condemn ittoHali-
fax, but it’s killing me by inches!”
Then it was realized that the quiet
man had some, great sorrow on his
mind, and it was suspected that he was
contemplating suicide.
“Ooh!” he called out, “great heavens,
but how I suffer! Why was I such a
fool as to follow that villain's advice?”
He had probably taken poison, or was
trying to drive a darning-needle to his
heart. The landlady thought of the
coroner's inquest, the item in the papers
and the questions the reporters would
ask. and she grew frantic.
“Hey, Smith — Mr. Smith—you.
Smith!'’ sho called as she rapped on
the door, “but what on earth is the
matter?"
“Nothing!” came the solemn answer,
but as she put her ear to the key-hole
she heard soft groans, and a whispered
voice saying:
“It’s got to be done at any cost!”
"Mr. Smith,” she contined, “don't
vou «tare commit suicide In my house!
If you do I’ll have you sent to jail for a
year! It wasn’t six months ago that a
woman tried to poison herself to death
in tliat very room, and I haven't got
over the fright yet Say, you!”
“Well,” came the faint reply.
“Have you taken poison?”
“No.”
There was an interval of silence while
she put her ear to the kev-hole again,
and pretty soon she heard the boarder
gallop up and down and hiss between
his clenched teeth:
“ Great Scots! but was mortal mau
ever called upon to suffer as I do?”
“Say !’’ she whispered, as she turned
to the hoarders, “thifldoor has got to be
broken down without delay. That un
grateful man has taken rough-,>n-rats
and is determined to die on a bed which
cost me over twenty dollars last fall,
saying nothing of a second-hand carpet
which 1 trailed a sewing machine for.
Mr. Green, kick open the door !”
“If Green is there I’ll let him in,” an
nounced Smith, and he opened a crevice
just large enough to squeeze in.
Then came a whispered consultation,
followed by shouts cf pain and terror,
and Green camo to the door with an ob
ject in his hand, and calmly said:
“Ladies and gentlemen, it was simply
a case of pulling off a porous plaster
which he had worn for six weeks.
Please forgive him, for he'll never do so
again.”— Detroit Free Press.
JOHN
BRIGHT.
Biographical Information Not Contained
in Any Popular Encyclopaedia.
John Bright was born in 1811. lie
made a tour of the Holy Land at the
age of twenty-four, but did not decide
to purchase it owing to the existence of
a flaw in the title. He next began to
invent things. On his return from the
Orient, he discovered that what was most
needed in both Europe and America
was a good, reliable disease for the u.-e
of the better classes. The poor and
humble were well supplied, but the
rich, the aristocratic and patrican states
men, corned heads and porkists of the
two lands languished for a good, relia
ble disease that |K>or people could not
obtain. So he began to sit up nights
and perfect Bright s disease, lie gainod
the prize at the Paris exposition and
honorable mention at the great centen
nial celebration at Philadelphia “for
meritorious and effective diseases for
the better classes." Since that time he
has been gratified to notice that the
very best people, both in his own land
an<j in this, are handling Bright's dis
ease. It has been kept out of the
reach of the poor, and to die from this
ailment has been regarded as a proud
distinction.
Mr. Bright has all the time attracted
attention as a good, fluent public
speaker, and the author of a volume
call'd "Speeches on Public Questions,”
published in 1868.
Whether he succeeds in securing a
large monument or not, it is thought he
will never be forgotten, for wherever
the English languish is spoken. Bright’»
celebrated disease is known ami re
spected. It is said that he once stated
in a public speech that he cared not who
made the laws for a nation if he could
invent its diseases. —Hill Nye, in Boston
Globe.
— Mr. «nd Mrs. Jacob Burnett, aged
Germans, after a long struggle will:
poverty, became inmate« of the poor
house at Menzele», Tex. The ohl
woman took it to heart anil said ah»
wanted to die, hut,did not like to leave
her husband. Apparently she induced
him to go with her, for one morning
recently the poor old pair were found
in their bedroom hanging dead, aide by
■ ide by aide, suspended by clothes lin
from the rafters above. Every thing
Indicated the most careful and deliber
ate •»eor.«r»tion« for death-
PITH
AND POINT.
—From all that we have ever been
able to learn there are just as many
N.
men as women who talk too niuoh.
rnuoh. — X
Y. Ledger.
—An Eastern paper speaks of a streak
of insanity having struck its town. In
the next column it boasts of seventeen
new subscribers.— Omaha Herald.
—This jumping from Brooklyn bridge
is getting to be a chestnut If some
fellow will jump from the river up on
the bridge we will go and take a look at
him.— Lowell Citizen.
—“A successful operator” has kindly
wr tton a book tolling us how to win in
Wall street
Of course the writer
knows tho way, and wrote the book for
amusement only.—N. Y. Graphic.
—A writer says that the overtaxing at
children is one of the evils of the age.
Some of the property-holders of Bur
lington think that the overtaxing of
parents is about as bad.— Burlington
Free Press.
—Don't be idle.—■
Don't nit «nd loaf. “Be wise to-day."
Don’t bul'd vain caatlea In the air;
For white you’re waatinx time away
Some other tellow'a "gettlnx there.”
—Merchant Traveler.
—The superstitious believe that while
at the washtub if the suds splash and
wet the clothes you are wearing you
will have bad luck. This must account
for the preference young ladies of to
day show for the piano.— Yonkers States
man.
—Mr. Jones — No dinner today?
That’s a nice state of affairs. Where’s
Mrs. Jones? Servant—Writing, sir.
Mr. Jones Writing what,
pray?
Servant—I don’t know exactly, sir, but
I think sho said it wa« a new article for
the Housekeeper about “How It’s Better
to Keep House Than to Board,” sir, or
.something of that sort— Kansas City
■ Times.
—A three-year-old was discovered in
the flower garden the other day, and
around him lay innumerable sweot pei
blossoms whion he had clipped off with
a pair of shears “just for fun.” His
mother said nothing to him, but looked
rather surprised. Presently he turned
to her and remarked in tho most mat
ter-of-fact way: “Can you tell mewhat
lias been going on out here?"— SL Al
bans Messenger.
—“Yes." said the editor, “I made the
mistake of my life when I pitched into
the playing of our local brass band.”
“Why?” asked a friend. “Do they play
any better than you sa d they did?”
“Any better!” exc'aimed the editor.
“Good Lord! I didn’t tell half the
misery thoy cause. No, the musical end
of my crit’o’sin was all right, but it was
impolitic —impol tic, sir. Tli«ry got a
crsiel revenge on me.” “Revenge?
How so? What did they do?” “Do?”
repented the editor w th an agonized,
hunted look in his eyes. "Do. They
serenaded me.”— Somerville Journal.
WON
THE
GIRL.
How Little Bill Hurceeded in Becoming'
Uncle Buck’s Nen-in-Law.
A party of men were sitting In front
of a country store, whittling and retail
ing neighborhood scandal. After a
time, one man, nddrossingan old fellow,
■aid:
“Uncle Buck, I hear that your daugh
ter Sally is going to marry little Bill
Pegg ns.”
“Yes, that’s so.”
“We all ’lowed, Unole Bnck, that she
wasgo’n' to marry Big Beb Smith."
“That was tho cal’elation."
“Why did she change her mind?"
"W'y, Little Bill won us all uv a sud
dent”
“Tell ns, fur we’d all like to know
how that weyzen thing could gain a
p’int over Bob.”
"Wall, last Sunday we had a right
■ mart sprinklin’ uv folks, includin’
Bill, fur dinner. Bill, you all know, is
the bashfulest an’ awk’ardest feller in
the country, an’ he’s so bashful that it
hurts a person to look at him. Well,
when we sot down to the table, Bill
stumbled an«i knocked over a pitcher uv
water. He looked like lie would burn
up but I asshored him that was all right
lie mashed up a big Irish potato an* -
when he ’gun to pepper it, tho top of
the pepper box come off an’ spilt about
ha'f tho pepper on his plate.
Wife
■he asked him to let her give him an
other plat«*, but he declared that he liked
pepper. He commenced to shovel it
into his mouth, and l’H be dinged if I
didn’t think his eyes would pop out of
his head. W.fe «he handed him a cup
of hot coffee, an' when he went to take
it he drapped it on his knee. He
Erinned, fur the coffee mighty nigh
urnt him up, but he didn't say nothin’,
’cept that he ho|»<l ho wa'nt «-puttin'
nobody to no trouble.
Then he tried
to cut a piece uv meat, throw about a
hafer pint iiv gravy on the Widder Bar
ker an' then turned over his plate. I
tell j ou he was the awk’ardest man I
ever seed. He got settled down airter
wh le, but jest as he retched airter a
biscuit he lurm-d over a big pitcher uv
(buttermilk. Then he jumpe«l up, struck
'the table with his fist an' yelled:
",1 ken whup any «lamed man in this
¡house!' Ho walked out, an' I followed
'h m. ‘Bill,’ said I.
[ *■ ‘Whut in thunder do you want?’
i
‘You »aid you could—'
t“ ‘That's what I said!’ said he, an’,
entleme/i, if he didn't give me the wust
hupp n I ever had, I wush I may «41«
•a«l. 1 couldn’t hold out r against auch
i appeal as that, so I says:
tra: *1 'Bill,*gars 1,
vou shall have my gal .1 in spite o' my
nfe an' old Nick an’ they’re putty
lurch the same—an' the person that
riesto Interfere with that weddin' will
have me to climb.”— Arkansaw Trav
I