M-Z.il l-WKKK LV r M’.MINNVILLE, OREGON, JUNE 29, 1886. VOL. 1. WEST SIDE TELEPHONE. ------ 1 ss tied----- EVERY TUESDAY AND FRIDAY —IN - * Garrison s Banning, McMinnville. Oregon. THE SONG OF THE JOKE. With hn’r all tumbled and tossud, Willi brain top limivy with fun, A funny man sat in his dingy den, Trying to make a pun. Write! write! write! Half hid in tobacco smoko! And still with a \ nice of dolorous pitch Jle sang •’The Song of the Joke.” —BY — 'Tulinii«»«« 71 'Tiii'iivi*, Publishers and Proprietors. SUBSCRIPTION RATES: One year............................................................ Six months............................................................. 1 Three months................................. ........... no Entered tn the Poetoftlce. at McMinnville, Or., as socond-clasH matter. OLD HAYSEED. How He Humiliated the Champion Sport of a Proud Michigan Town. ‘‘Talking about sports,” said a Goth­ amite to a Daily Kuiu man a few days ago, “reminds me of an experience I once had.' It occurred in Michigan, and it happened several years ago. but the boys haven't got through talking about it yet. There was a great rivalry between the town in which 1 resided and one a few miles distant in all lines of sport. In the athletic line I was con­ sidered the best, and so whenever any running, jumping or wrestling event was to come off 1 was tlie one to make the trial against all comers. 1 had no trouble iu defeating my opponents in a majority of the events, and as a conse­ quence the sports o£ tin- neighboring town lost heavily. It worried them more than a little, and in order to get even witli us they put up a job on us in the following manner: While a man who bad lost the most money by my successes, a supporter of mine and my­ self were lounging about the only re­ sort in tlie town, a load of hay was driven up in front of the plac e. A long, lank specimen of humanity, dressed iu a blue-cheeked shirt, overalls tucked in his boots, and wearing on his head a straw hat minus a crown, slid off tho load and entered the store. Die new­ comer pretended to have a severe pain in the region of his stomach, and sought a remedv as au excuse to get into the place. When lie came in Dan, the man who had lost money by betting against me. was handling a pair of thirteen- pouud dumb-bells, which attracted the attention of ttie farmer. Dan asked him if he knew what they were, mid lie sai l no. He was told they were used in jumping, when the granger volunteered the information that tie could beat his paw jumpin’. Dan at once ottered to bet the drinks that the farmer couldn't beat any one < f tho three in tho room. Hayseed objected, sav­ ing he didn't have lint ten vents. He was forced into the trial, however; despite his protests that if lie lost his paw would lick lrm. mid in the contest was beaten two feet by the poorest jumper. Then he began to cry. Dan wouldn’t let up on him mid asked him if he could do any thing else in the way of athletics. Through li s fear- he re­ plied that he could run when Dan of­ fered to bet twenty dollars against the load of hay. which the farmer held at the same price, that he couldn’t beat me running one hundred and fifty yards. Just then a liveryman came in and, after giving us all a blowing-up for abusing a green farmer boy, gave the price asked tor the hay to the granger, and went out. Dan snatched the money out of his hand and told him that he’d got to run, whether he wanted to or not, and finally coaxed him to do so. The report that a match had been made spread through the usually quiet st reel like wildfire, and it was not many min­ utes before several men from the ad­ joining town were eagerly taking all the bets they could get, and they wa re many, for my friends rallied around me, and after a glance at the Hayseed read­ ily offered odds of four to one on my success. The distance was measured ofl, but when I went to the starting point Hayseed was nowhere to be seen. Fi­ nally I discovered him sitting in a cor­ ner of a field some distance away, and on getting to him found him blubbering away at the loss of his money. Sud­ denly he checked himself, and, looking up, asked if we would have a scratch start. A greenhorn never would have asked such a question, and then I knew Dan had run in a ringer on us. While I was thus thinking the farmer slipped ofl’his suit of blue and displayed a beau­ tiful racing suit. We ran. and I was beaten easily fifteen feet. The alleged farmer I found out was McFaul, a noted runner from Canada, who had been im- ported purposi to down our gang, and •torted purposely be did ’t beautifully to the tune of ............ $2,500. — Chicago Sews. ------- —A Maine fisherman, who used to sail the Southern seas, reports that he law a sea-serpent the other day off Wells. It was like one he once saw in the Caribbean Sea, except that it has grown considerably. It held its head, the size of a barrel, high in tlie air; its eves, as big as saucers, gleamed with a marvelous light, and its huge, open mouth was armed with triple rows of teeth. The paper that reports this says the old salt is not adictcd to drink. — Boxion Journal. —As tlie Boston Transcript learns, “Yankie Doodle” probnblv came from Holland, where a song with the follow­ ing burden has long been in use among the laborers in harvest time, when th**y receive as much buttermilk as they can drink and a tenth of the grain har­ vested: Yankerdidrl dno.lel doun, Didel. e named the cheekerberry. Why has thereabouts. .ie is sent out to fetcli her home to his then eating over 30 grains of opium not this little evergreen plant, with mother’s or grandmother’s zenana. daily.” ‘•¡low did you contract the habit?” its delicate wh te blossoms of mid-sum­ There the child-wife takes the lowest ‘‘Excessive business cares broke me mer. and its attractive crimson fruit of place, and becomes at once tlie toy and m d-winter, been given a place iu tlie slave of all the women. She has to down and my doctor prescribed opium! ornamental garden? It is because of learn her domestic duties under the That is tlie way nine-tenths of cases the bel ef that it will not take kindly strict eye of her mother-in-law, and commence. When I determined to drudges on; unless indeed, (as is gen­ to cultivation; or it is because its erally the case,) there is a widow in stop, however, I found I could not do it. You may be surprised to know,” beauty and usefulness is unknown, If the family to have all the work heap«! lie “ said, “ tiiat two-fiths of the slaves the former, we are glad to be i able to upon her; for a Hindoo widow is the of morphine and opium are physicians. say something from practical expert* cursed of gods and men. However, Many of these I met. We studied even if this be the case, the child-wife our cases carefully. We found out ence. must learn to do her work, which is This plant, when properly treated, I what the organs were in which the ap­ grows well in the garden, but it often menial, and must absolutely obey petite was developed and sustained; will not do to set it on i culti- her mother-in-law. The husband and vated land and surround it with hot wife pass their lives in two almost en­ tiiat no victim was free from a demor­ pulverized earth; under such treatment tirely different tracks, and are brouglrt alized condition of those organs; that it burns and becomes an unsightly up in ideas and associations widely the hope of a cure depended entirely up­ plant. To have the cheekerberry do different from each other. Beginning on the degree of vigor which could be im­ well, it must be given s milar treat­ as wife at so early an ago, and enter­ parted to them. I have seen patients, ment that it has in its natural home. ing by tho door of marriage cer­ while undergoing treatment, compelled Those who are familiar with this plant emonies the little girl passes from to resort to opium again to deaden tlie well know that, when found growing on infancy into the duties and trial of ma­ horrible pain in those organs. I mar­ laud that has had a crop of white pine ture life, or at any rate into the seclu­ vel how I ever escaped.” timber cut from it within a few years, sion and imprisonment whu-li are the “Do you mean to say, Mr. Wilson, the plants are strong, and at tlie proper grave of childhood. This dreary life­ that you have conquered the habit?” season will be found well loaded doom is appalling and most incon­ “Indeed I have.” w th fruit of very large size. This ceivable to English readers. There is "Do you object to telling me how?” teaches that it is a plant that does uot no divorce in the Hindoo law; and, “No, sir. Studying the matter with ilo ucotiu the.shade, although fre |Uently even when she is cruelly treated or found growing there, witli no fru t on mercilessly neglected, the Hindoo wife several opium-eating physicians, we it but that it is a plant that needssun- patiently submits. Still, tlie only became satisfied that tlie appetite for sliiue.to bring it to full perfection; it thought occupying her mind is the opium was located in tlie kidneys and also teaches that it needs to have the welfare of her husband, whose wrongs liver. Our next object was to find a soil covered with decayed leaves, to and injustices she religiously forgives. ' specific fcr restoring those organs to make A loose and light for the roots to Yet this cruel treatment from her health. The physicians, much against run in. husband is preferable to widowhood. code, addressed their attention to After having repeatedly tried and The Hindoo widow is never allowed to tlieir failed to make this plant grow and marry again. She has no one on a certain remedy and became throughly fruit in the shade, an effort was made whom to rely; .she is subject to unkind­ convinced on its scientific merits alone to imitate nature as near as possible. ness from every one, and is liable to that it was the only one tiiat could be A small plot of land was prepared by be driven to despair. She has to put relied upon in every case of disordered first covering it with a rich vegetable on the plainest dress, to live only on kidneys ana liver. I thereupon began mould made of decayed leaves, then, vegetables and fruits, frequently to ab­ using it and supplementing it with my early in the spring, good healthy looking stain from all food, to use no articles own special treatment, finally got fully vines were taken from among the pine of luxury. She. is expected to harbor over the habit. I may say that tlie stumps, and at once set in rows about no cheerful thoughts—to pass her life most important part of tlie treatment eighte n incnes apart; when set, the immured within the four walls of the is to get those organs first into good ground was covered all over with pine zenana, with grief for her only com­ leaves, or needles, to the depth of one panion. Thus tlie widow drags through working condition, for in them tlie ap­ or two inches The plants did not her wretched life till welcome death petite originates and is sustained, and in them over ninety per cent of all other seem to realize that they had comes and relieves her. It oft- been removed, but when the en happeas that a Hindoo wife human ailments originate.” “For the last seven years this position growing season opened the new loses her husband SOO 11 after shoots came up very thick, " ‘ ‘ , and on marriage; and then she is initiated has been taken by the proprietors of most of them there were numerous I I into the horrors of a widow’s life ere that remedy and finally it is becoming blossoms, which produced a good crop I she has passed her girlhood. An old an acknowledged scientific truth of fruit. Nothing was done but to man of sixty will not scruple to marry among the medical profession; many keep the grass out. The i ¡ties lived a girl of eight, though he knows that of them, however, do not openly ac­ well through the winter, and produced a second crop of fruit. It was then she will be an outcast in his house all knowledged it, and yet, knowing they thought be-t to try to grow them by her life after she lias been deprived of have no other scientific specific, cultivation wbhout covering the ground I her husband. Out of the total popula- their eoile not allowing them to use it, with leaves, but the third year under | tion of India there must at least be six they buy it upon the quiet and pre­ this treatment was a failure, the leaves millions of women suffering iu this scribe it in their own bottles.” “As I said before the opium and mor­ of the vines sun-burn d and most of way. The last census of Calcutta shows them dropped very little new growth that there are fifty-five thousand widows phine habits can never be cured until was made a d but a few blossoms ap­ in that city. The more enlightened natives of India the appetite for them is routed out of peared. are strongly in favor of tlie abolition of tlie kidneys and liver. I have tried Next spr ng a new plot will be started infant marriage and the introduction everything,—experimented with ever- and the leaf prote tlon wiil be con­ of widow marriage; but the enlight­ tiling and as the result of my studies tinued. with the fee ing that it is neces­ ened are very few. and custom is om­ and investigation, I can say I know sary.— Max.ah net's I'louahinan. nipotent in that land. The only im­ notliing can accomplish this result but provement that has taken place in Warner’s safe cure.” A HORRIBLE DEED. respect to marriage is among the Brali- “Have others tried your treatment?” “Yes sir, many; and all who have A Black Crime Illustrative of the Use al mos, the new theistic body in India, the Knife in Sicily. who do not marry their girls before followed it fully have recovered. Sev­ they attain their fourteenth year, and A horrible deed of blood committed eral of them who did not first treat who have also introduced the marriage their kidneys and liver for six or eight near Girgenti gives an illustration of of widows. But their head, the late the use of the knife in the island of Sici­ Baboo Kesliub Chundcr Sen, married weeks, as I advised them, completely ly. Two butchers, father and son, of his daughter when she was only a lit­ failed. This form of treatment is al­ the name of Indelicato, who kept a shop tle over thirteen years of age to the ways insisted upon for all patients, in that town, not long since took two Maharajah of Gooch Behar. For this whether treated by mail or at the Love­ land Opium Institute, and supplemen­ brothcio named Alfonso and Giovanni breach of faith he was severely blamed ted by our special private treatment, it bv all his educated countrymen, and Cannetoni into partnership, Before the whole of the native press turned always cures." long the Cannetonis began to trade in against him.— St. James Gazette. Mr. Wilson stands very high wher­ lambs’ carcasses separately on their ever known. His experience is only own account, and disagreements arose, —A very curious device for assisting which ultimately led to a collision be­ defective hearing has been invented bv another proof of the wonderful and tween Baldassare Tndelicato and Alfonso Dr. F. M. Blodgett, of New York, which conceded power of Warner’s safe cure Cann: toni. They drew their butcher’s lie calls the micro-audiphone. The in­ over all diseases of tlie kidneys, liver knives ' aim their belts on each other. strument is made of hard xylonite or and blood, and the diseases caused by Alfonso timed a well-directed blow at other suitable material, and is formed to derangements of those organs. We Baldassare. He parried it with his left fit the ear in such a way as to be hardly may say it is very flattering to the pro­ arm, which was cut to the bone, and at noticeable. In the tube of the audi­ prietors of Warner’s safe cure that it the same instant drove his knife into phone is a diaphragm of very thin skin lias recieved tlie highest medical en­ the heart of Alfonso, who fell dead on or rubber, which vibrates when struck dorsement and, after pertistent study, the spot. At that moment a young son by sound-waves, and augments the it is admitted by scientists that there is of Alfonso, aged nineteen, came up waves, anil thus renders them more nothing in materia medica for the res­ with a bludgeon t< his father s assist­ audible.— N. Y. Examiner. toration of those great organs that ance. Baldassare struck him to the —Frank Boling, rff Cherokee. Kan., ground, ami then cut his throat across, threw himself on a feather bed that lay I equals it in power. We take pleasure in "as he wopld have slaughtered a sheep.’” 1 on the floor during a thunfler storm. publishing the above statements com­ Mad with rage, Baldassare then rushed He neglected to draw up his legs, and ing from so reliable a source as Mr. into the shop, and Liking Giovanna, the his feet were touching the floor, when Wilson and confirming by personal ex­ brother of Alfonso, by surprise, killed the lightning struck the house and perience what we have time and again him with a slash across the abdomen. played about his feet, burning them published in our columns. We also ex­ Turning then to leave the shop, he in­ and knocking him senseless. That tend to the proprietors our hearty con­ dicted a serious wound on a person just . part of his body that was on the.te’d gratulations on the result wrought. srtering. All this occurred within the was not hurt, and a child lying by his «pace of four minutes, the result of the j side was uninjured. All of which may >«• w Myle« of Johnson Type Found, collision being three persons killed and i be used to »bow that, feather beds are are kept in stock by Palmer Sc Rey, * iwo wounded.—zV. Y. Sun. and 111 Front St., Portland. Oregon. |