fIOOD:RlYEIi GLACIER, THURSDAY, OCTOBER 23, 1913
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THE FORD
THE UNIVERSAL CAR
EASY TO OPERATE
On account of the many features for safety in driving and because of its simplic
ity in control, the Ford Model T is especially adapted for the use of the lady driver.
The fact that there are more women drivers of Ford cars than any other motor
car on the market is directly responsible to the ease of Model T operation and its safety
in driving.
There is no complex shiftfrg of gears to bother the driver in fact there is very
little machinery about the car-none that a woman cannot understand in a few minutes
and learn to control with a very little practice.
At no time in the operation of the Ford car is it neccessary to remove the hands
from the steering wheel. Starting, stopping and reversing are controlled by foot pedals,
leaving the hands of the driver free at all times for the more delicate operation of steer
ing the car. This feature for safety will be recognized as a great advantage to men and
women drivers alike.
Columbia Auto & Machine Co.
n-Ku-y m. .wa. rf n. tfii.v .n tfvjntM'-
White River
Flour N
Makes Bread IIavinghe
Old Bready Flavor
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AT YOUR GROCERS
S. E. BARTMESS
Funeral Dirktor and Practical Embalmer
Established 18 Years
HOOD RIVER, OREGON
MEAT
goes a long way from
the stockyard to the
butcher's block. Its the
quality that tells in the
end. Meat may be fresh
and yet not be first
quality.
FRESHNESS AND QUALITY
is the standard we set for our customers. Ve buy
the best, and sell at prices within the reach of all.
HOOD RIVER MARKET
THE FIRST NATIONAL BANK
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SAVINGS
(lAccoiwmJ
HOOD RIVER OREGON
BANKING
A bank account, even though it may
be a small one, is the safest means of
doing business. Your checks are the
best receipts for all bills paid and your
funds will be neither lost nor stolen from
our vaults. It only requires a small
balance with us, and we will obligate
ourselves to keep your finances straight
and furnish you with the necessary check
books and deposit books free of charge.
Talk It Over With Our Cashier
CAPITAL 6 SURPLUS $ 1 33.00 O
") UNDU U.S.K
J jtOKINMtNTj I
(UoptimsjwjjJ
Oregon Lumber Co.
Dee, Oregon
ALL KINDS OF LUMBER, SHINGLES
SLAB WOOD, ETC. CAN FURNISH
CEDAR SHIP LAP, ANY QUANT aTY
Both Phones
Estimates Furnished
11
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Atk jrour Sttiu bout the in
PRESENTS
for boy. tni firU tbU go wltk
"Olympic" WWt Hearte
and
"Olympic" Pancake Flour
Juit the dandiest, eatoh
ittt, aioit interesting
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Portland Flour in 2
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fMI
UPPER VALLEY NOTICE
List Your Places for Special Attention With
WARD IRELAND CORNELL
Upper Valler Real Ettate-lmuranf
Improved and UnlmproTtd Orchard Land
Phon Odall SST
Hood River Connection
Guy Y. Edwards & Co.
U. C. M. RANCH
Parkdale
Upper Hood River Valley
PERSIAN TALES.
They Happened Many Years Ago,
but Are Just as Good.
THE KING GOES EXPLORING.
And Return With Dteettreua Reoutta,
Ale tetter Knowledge ef Bee
He Meet a Peaeant, an Am and an
Unpleaaant Earthquake.
By M. QUAD.
(CepyrlcBt, Hit, by Associated Literary
Free
ONE day tb king of Perala and
ruler of th earth took It Into
bia bead to wander oat Into
tb country alone and bar a
cbat with aome of bla boneat subject.
Coming acroa a peasant at work In
bU Held, tb king baited to aay:
"I bar beard a traveler to aay that
la tb field wber tb grass Is tblck
and UU there dwelt a apedea of bird
wblcb mad and stored op honey.
Hatb een a flock of ancb bird around
here?"
"I doot think I bare." replied tb
peasant "The tal of a traveler may
"HUB, TOO OLD B1AST, OCT ALONG I"
be true, but tb blrda ar evidently coy
and by."
"He described them as about the size
of my thumb."
"Haven't aeen any."
"With yellow line across their backa
and many feet"
"Haven't beard 'em singing around
here."
"But they slngetb not," protested the
king. "Instead of a song they make a
noise as of 'up-m-m-m-' "
"And do tbey sometimes light down
on a logr "
"Truly tbey do." '
. "And tbe man who alts down on one
Imagines be baa a bradawl for a
cushion T"
"Now yon are btttlng It Even ao did
the traveler relate. Let me see those
birds at once."
"Tou'll flnd a nest of them over by
tbe gooseberry bush," said tbe peasant
as a grin spread over bis face, "but I'd
leave a few young ones for seed If I
was 70a. A nest of 'em makes the
place seem homelike, you know, and
their bltea keep the boys from getting
Isiy."
The King Explores,
The king climbed tbe fence and wad
ed through tbe grass to the spot, and
bis yells and antics soon proved that be
had found the birds. After galloping
three times around the meadow and
rolling over It once be got rid of their
company, and, limping up to the peas
ant, be said:
"Hatb a name for these birds?"
"They are called bumblebees."
"And how long are their teeth?"
"About the SOgtb of a crowbar."
"And, knowing this, you still let your
king place bis life In peril! Caitiff, tbe
az of my executioner awaits thee!"
"I let tnee go forward, O king, not
knowing that thou wert king, but In
stead of deserving the ax thou sbouldst
reward roe with a bag of gold."
"S'deathl But how so?"
"Because, O king, thou bast never
had a circus within thy realm, tuough
often longing for one. Here ' one
ready made. Let thy suit of a hundred
follow thee out here tomorrow, and
when all are assembled send them Into
the meadow to flnd tbe nestlings."
"B'gosb, If I don't do itl" exclaimed
tbe king as bla frown disappeared and
a balmy smile stole over bis face, and
next day tbe performance came off as
advertised and waa reported as an un
precedented auccesa.
One day aa tbe ruler of all Persia
and a large slice of tbe rest of the
world was riding out with his courtiers
. be came across a peasant who waa
pulling bard at a rope attached to the
neck of an ass. The ass was sagging
back on bis haunches, and It was a
question whether be would be pulled
ahead or bave bis neck pulled off.
He Interfere.
"Itv tbe corns of my grandfather,
but what a fool that man Is!" exclaim
ed the king as be came to a halt "Ho,
thou idiot! I would apeak wltb thee!"
Tbe peasant let fall tbe rope and
came forward and rubbed bla nose on
tbe earth to prove bla humility, and
the king continued:
"Do my eyea deceive me when I see
a man of fifty pulling to get an ass
along? In all these years haven't you
learned that the way to treat an ob
stinate beast Is to push from behind?"
"I dare not push 00 account of bis
heels, O ruler," replied tbe man.
"But what bave heels to do with. It?"
"Tbey ar on springs. O wis and
senescent, and ar apt to fly upward
at a toocb."
"I never beard of sucb a thing. Bo,
Abraham, grand secretary of agricul
ture, what b this about aaaea? Isn't
It tb proper way to push 'm along?"
"It might work, O king, but I bav
been too busy wltb ooions and turnips
to try It"
"Did yon ever bear of springs 00 tb
heels of an ass?"
"In a dim, undefined way. 0 mighty."
"Well, I never did. and ber goes to
flnd out about It I want to know wbat
I'm running In tbla country"
It waa In vain that tb grand secre
tary, secretary of war, blgb chamber
lain and tb rest of tb crowd protest
ed. Tb king was a determined man
when be got bla dander np. and ba
swung out of bla saddle and approach
ed tbe asa.
The King Is Jarred,
"0 king, but I am afraid of a jar,"
aatd tbe peasant, wltb alarm In bis
face. "Please po him with a fenc
rail when yon look for aprlnga."
"Not by the bat of Sardanapalua!
Here, you old beast, get along with
you I Now, tbep. heave, oh, beaver
Twenty mlnutea later tb mighty
ruler opened bla eyea to flnd ammonia
at bla nose and tee on bla stomach,
and wben be asked If tb earthquake
had killed any on bis grand secretary
replied: ( o)
"O blgb and mighty, buttn heels
of tbe asa were on springs, and tb
aprlnga worked!"
"In other words," said the king,
"I've been kicked Into tbe middle of
next week by an ass?"
"That'e about It O king."
"I see. As I pushed he kicked.
Well, I can't let things go this way.
Grand secretary, for not kiQwlng more
about asses you are bounced from
your position. Peasant for not know
ing all about 'em you shall receive
fifty lashes P
"But we ask for JustlceP' cried both
men together.
"Tben you shall exchange places!"
"But It was tbe ass that did It!" tbey
chorused again.
"Tben be shall die!"
"O ruler," said the peasant, "If you
bad kept away from tbe ass' heels you
wouldn't bav been kicked."
"Ah, that'a something like!" replied
the king as be rose up. "As It now
transpires that there were two asses
Instead of one and as It Is bard to
tell wblcb ass was most to blame, we'll
call tb whole thing off and go over
and look at those pumpkins. I want
to know bow tbe seeda get Inside 'em."
Misunderstood.
On a farm In South Africa there was
a Kaffir whom the men used to call
"Coalscrrtle." He milked the cowa
morning and evening, but one day tbe
boss came to his hut, bringing a three
legged stool.
"Here, Coalscuttle, Is a stool from
home," said he. "You can use it when
you are milking."
"Yes, boss," said tbe man.
That evening be went a-mllklng as
usual, holding tbe stool at arm's length
and looking a trifle bewildered.
A full hour elapsed and be did not
come borne. At length be arrived
bruised and battered, the cans shape
less and not a drop of milk In tbem.
"Why, Coalscuttle, what's wrong?"
said tbe boss, appearing.
"Ah," said the servant, shaking bla
head, "him berry good stool, mossa,
but the cows won't sit on it" New
York Journal
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I I 1 I 1 ! l -l -l-1 I t 1 11 1 1 I I H I I I I I'
T A Definition.
Tbe difference between life . .
; I and love Is that life's Just one
'. '. darned thing after another and ! ',
love's two darned things after
. . one. another. Chicago Record- i!
J Herald.
11 minium ii Mill nn
The Old Man's Hint.
Mother (at 11:30 p. m.)-Wbat's the
mntter, Johu? You look disturbed.
Father I thought I'd give that
young man calling on our daughter a
vigorous bint It was time to go, so I
walked right Into tbe parlor and de
liberately turned out tbe gas.
Mother Oh, my! And did be get
angry?
Father Angry? The young Jacka
napes said "Thank you." St Louis
Times.
They Wanted to Hear it
"Now, children," said the teacher to
her kindergarten class, "I want you all
to be quiet, so quiet, In fact, that you
could hear a pin drop."
Everything had quieted down nice
ly and tbe teacher was about to speak
when a little voice in tbe rear of the
schoolroom squeaked forth, "Go ahead,
please, teacher, and let her drop."
Fun.
His Downfall.
Frayed PhllIp-WoM becom of
Pete?
Gritty George-Pete? Oh, he's gone
to de bad. .
Frayed Philip-In Jail, Is he?
Gritty George- Worse'n that; be'a
working reg'lar In a factory. Boston
Transcript
He Knew the Kind.
The guide In referring to the Egyp
tian pyramids remarked:
"It took hundreds of years to build
them."
, "Then it was a government Job eh?"
replied the wealthy contractor. Lon
don Tit Bits.
More Often Now.
First Chicago Dame People take
shorter w eddings trips than tbey ld
formerly.
Second Chlcogo Dame Perhaps, but
they take them more often. Life.
.
The Highest liuana mmm.
Tb big beet oavlgabl body of water
m th world la Lake Tltlcaca, whfcfc
Ua In South America about midway
between tb Horn apd tb. qnator.
With a six nearly aa great aa Lake
Erie, ft U two mile above tb level of
tb sea and la continually brooded la
tb clouds and mlsta of th And,
Bugged, rocky Islands dot IU iTiriaca,
and It possesses down of great, un
explored baya. Ita avtrag depth U
1.000 feet-neariy twice that of Lak
Buperlor-bot In many place bottom
ba never been found. Th lak Dov
er freezes, although, bacanaa of
height It la situated In a land of al
most perpetual winter. Aloof th
bores ar rulna of gre't cities, prob
ably of tb Incae, but ao ancient ar
they that tven tb Indiana bav no Idea
of tnelr origin or tlatory. Several
steamers ply over th lak and carry
on a valuable trad In gold and other
products of tb moontaina. New lor
UalL
Th To Good Alibi
There la no defena ao familiar to
criminal courts as tb alibi proof thai
tb accused wss not near tb seen or
a rHma when that crlm was commit
ted. There Is no defense mora satis
factory, except when It Is too good. A
too gooty alibi Is on of tb most sus
picious things on earth. When an ac
cused man brings witnesses who swear
tn hie whereabouts for each minut or
tbe period In question tbajury begins
to doubt The foreman or in jnry
rannnt nrov where be WSS St tb
ssme time with that mocb assurance.
Pmhnhi the ludee cannot How does
the accused man happen to bar that
proof which othera lack? Ar bla wit
nesses lying, or was tb crlm commit
ted earlier than tbe state tmnxs. ana
Is the alibi a "plant r Honest men.
going unthinkingly about tbneat bust
nesa, can seldom prove their where
about mlnut by mlnut. Tb fallow
who knows th need of an alibi has on
ready. Chicago Journal.
How He Would Take It
President Lincoln used to tell wild
cat currency story. It to tbs sf
Ot that he waa zolng dowo tb Mis
sissippi river on a steamboat when tba
pilot announced to tbe captain tnai
hoT worn out of Wood. Tb captain
said. "Well, put Into tb first, wood
pile."
Th flat bottomed boat was ran np
to tb mud shore, and th captain
balled a man who waa walking among
several piles of wood.
"Will yon sell your wood?" be
shouted.
"Yes," cam th reply.
"For caabT
"Yea." !
"Take wildcat currency?" 1
"Certainly."
"Well, bow will yon take It?"
Tbe answer cam back without hesi
tation, "Cord for cord." New York
Times.
What Would You DoT
"What would you do If yon were
millionaire?" was tbe question pro
pounded to the little boys ot an east
aide school tbe other day. .
The little east alders' answers wr
Interesting. Some of tbem wrote:
"1 would have a bouse wltb rooms
for each kind of use, such as sitting
room, bedroom and dining room."
"1 would buy banks and be a bank
president at a large Ulary."
"I would live 00 Fifth avenue In a
clean bouse and buy autoa and chari
ots." "I would be proud of my situation
and also glad, and I would own antos
and earn money by hiring tbem out"
"1 would feast my peasants; also In
stitute an education school."
"1 would buy the subway and get
rich by charging 10 cents." New York
Tribune.
A Queer View of Education.
Opposition to state education in tb
past was due largely to a belief that
too much learning waa not good for tb
masses. Tbe worthy Hannah Mors
even, wbo waa one of the moat ear
nest supporters of tba movement fot
the establishment of schools for tbi
poor tu England, bad very deflnltt
Ideaa as to bow far the children should
be educated. Tbe curriculum, ah de
clared, should comprise only reading
the Bible and the catechism, and "sucb
coarse works as may Ot tbe children
for servants," adding decisively, "I al
low of no writing for tb poor." Chi
cago News.
Way Behind the Times,
He Is this tbe new cook's bread? 1
never ate better. She Yes, but ahe's
woefully unscientific not np to date at
alL I asked ber If aba knew what
caused tbe bread to rise and ah said
It was tbe yeast. Said she'd nevet
beard of fermentation! I'm not at all
sure I want to keep ber. Cleveland
Plain Dealer.
Good Enough to CGW With.
"These Millers are dreadful people
hardly fit to be associated with!".
"Yea; If tbey didn't glva, such ex
cellent dinner tbey would be altogeth
er onbearabler-FIIegend Blatter.
When Language Falls.
Wife of His Bosom (In course of do
mestic difference! Coward! Brutel
Ruffian! Pig! Monster! Beast! Ob, I
wish you knew wbat I thought of you)
London Punch.
Not His Say.
Begga Wbat do you say to yoor wlfa
when you come home late at nlgutt
Jaggs Foolish man! Wbat makes yoo
think I get s cnaoc to talk?
No rush to battle atones for aln la
the tent-U. Campbell Morgan,
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Order them early and be ready to mark your Pear and Ap
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