The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, December 08, 1910, Image 3

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His Bid Gets the Louis XVI.
Too Big to Get Through the Gate.
Bowser Enraged, Chops It to Pieces.
Mrs. Bowser Weeps A Divorce Suit
on the Horizon.
Copyright, 1910, by Associated Literary
'II EN Mr. Bowser walked luto
the house at 4 o'clock the
other afternoon Sirs. Bow
ser's first thought was thnt
he had come home 111. He didn't look
It, however. Ou the contrary, there
was a healthy grin on his f:fee.
"It-It Isn't a holiday?" she queried.
"Not for the public," he answered,
"though I'm making it one for us. Just
a small holiday, you know one for a
cent or two."
"But -what Is It? What's going on?"
"Ha, ha, ha! I thought you'd forgot
ten all about It. Talk about sentiment,
but I believe that husbands have more
than wives. Mrs. Bowser, thirty-five
years ago today I asked you to be my
little wlfey. It's the anniversary of a
most happy event, and' I thought to
celebrate It In a fitting manner."
"But how came you to remember the
day?" she asked.
"Oh, I ran across It in an old letter
some time ago and carefully preserved
the date. Trust a loving husband to
keep track of such things."
"How good of you! I'm ashamed
that I did not remember It myself."
"That's all right, little one. Thirty
five years ago today and about this
hour we were sitting together In your
father's house. All of a sudden I ask
ed you to be mine, and you said you
"But I didn't say so nt once, did I?"
she asked as a blush showed ou her
"I guess you waited n minute or two
before making me the happiest man on
"And you haven't been sorry?"
"I have thanked heaven evoiy day
since and shall till I die. This evening
we will go out to dinner, nnd then It's
the theater. We'll just have a Jolly
time. Meanwhile I came home to say
that I have purchased n trifling me
mento of the occasion something we
can look at dally and recall those old
"i'ou good man! What Is It?"
"You couldn't guess In a hundred
years, but I know you'll be tickled half
to death. I was the most fortunate
man in the world to get It. If I had
been fifteen minutes late it would have
been gone."
"Then it isn't jewelry?"
"Anything to wear?"
"Is It a patent rocking chair for
"No. Here it comes, and you won't
have to do any more guessing!"
Curio Draws Crowd.
A big truck had driven up and was
backing to the curb. On It was a
bungalow. At least, Mrs. Bowser took
It for one and exclaimed:
"Why, we are not going camping in
the winter, are we!"
"Don't you know what It is?"
"A bungalow, or something of that
sort Shall you set it up la the back
"Hardly," laughed Mr. Bowser.
"Come out nnd take a look at it."
There were three men with the
truck, and by the time Mrs. Bowser
reached the gate a dozen more and a
score of children had gathered. They
were saying to each other that It was
a bungalow, a monkey house, a mov
ing picture show, a photograph gal
lery and other things, when Mr. Bow
ser said, with a smile and a flourish:
"Mrs. Bowser, let me introduce you
to the grandest piece of furniture
which ever had a place in the palace
f a king."
"But I can't quite make out what it
"It is the favorite sideboard of Louis
XVI, and antiquarians have called it
almost priceless. It is said to be tho
last thing his eyes rested on before his
head dropped into the basket of the
guillotine. I bought it at auction yes
terday. There were fifty bidders, but
I beat them all. What do you think
of It as a souvenir of our engage
ment?" Before she could answer the boss
truckman called out:
"Now, then, how are we going to get
this thing into the yard? I have Just
measured, and it won't pass through
the gate by two feet."
"Then It must be lifted over the
"All right, but you'll have to hire
three more men to help lift, and if
your fence breaks down you can't
blame me."
Mrs. Bowser made her escape into
the house and sank down in a chair
and burst into tears. Mr. Bowser had
tried to be good, but he bad made a
mess of It. Outside she could hear
teams and autos stopping and the
crowd increasing and the truckmen
Helpers and tho Police.
Five more men were hired to help
Mr. Bowser waved his arms and
shouted directions.
Two policemen arrived and wanted
to know what the devil was the mat
ter. Several excited women living on the
block wanted to know why some men
in the crowd didn't have brains enough
to ring for the ambulance.
"Up she goes! Boost her! There
she is!"
The famous sideboard rested on top
of the fence for a moment, and then
the fence gave way with a crash.
Cheers from the enthusiastic patri
Swear words from the nouenthusi-
astlc truckmen.
Threats of life imprisonment from
the two cops.
Orders and gestures from Mr. Bow
Of course there were various sugges
tions of more or less practical value.
A civil engineer suggested that the
house be moved out over the sideboard
to solve the problem.
A plumber suggested that if he were
given a chance to stop a few leaks and
send in his bill the sideboard would
move on of Its own accord.
A-woman with a small mutton roast
in a big basket suggested that wings
be attached and the thing be given a
chance to fly.
The boss truckman suggested that
tho thing be left where it was till an
other day, when he would come with a
band of experienced men and rope and
tackle and "snake" her along.
The two cops suggested that the
crowd disperse nnd went to pushing
and clubbing to encourage it to do so.
Amid the numerous suggestions Mr.
Bowser entered the house to see what
Mrs. Bowser might have to say.
"Just a slight accident, you know,"
he said as he noticed the tears In her
eyes. "I give you my word the pre
cious relic is not even scratched."
"I'm I'm so sorry!" she said as she
fell to weeping again.
Tears, Hacks, Threat.
"Sorry, sorry! What in thunder alls
you? Isnt' It a Louis XVI. side
"I I guess so."
"Isn't it the last thing ho looked at
on earth?"
"Maybe 'tis."
"And won't we have it in the dining
room shortly?"
"But .how are you going to get it
there? It's wider than the gate and
it's wider than any door or window.
Are you going to tear the front of tho
house out?"
And then he went out and peered
and peeked and squinted and meas
ured with a tapeline and said to the
boss truckman:
"She won't go Into the house."
"Who said she would?" was the re
ply. "But I-I"-
"You ought to have bought a ware
house instead. I've fooled around here
long enough!"
There were Just two things for Mr.
Bowser to do, and he did them. He
got the ax and chopped and split and
splintered and hacked until that side
board was reduced to kindlings and
his audience tired of applauding, and
then he went into the house and said
to Mrs. Bowser:
"Woman, this is the dead line the
end! You consult your lawyer and
I'll consult mine, nnd we'll have tho
thing over with!"
A Cass of Must.
Briggs Come, now, do you
think that it is honorable to
marry a girl that you don't love
Just because she has money?
Griggs Honorable? Why, it's
necessary. Life.
Modern System.
"And what is this rubber stamp
for?" we ask of the Kentucky moun
taineer at whose humble home we are
stopping overnight.
"That?" he smiles. "Well, friend,
that's somepln I use whenever I shoot
one o' th Tolllvers. Hev to conform
to th' statoots."
He stamps upon a piece of paper
with it and we read:
"Guaranteed Under the Ture Feud
Laws." Life.
A Matter of Sentiment.
"Were you annoyed by the way the
customs inspectors handled your
"No, indeed," replied the young wo
man from Kansas. "We were so
homesick that we really enjoyed see
ing something that looked like a cy
clone." Washington Star.
Holiday Hints.
Shop early and often,
For Christmas Is nigh.
Get rid of leftovers, 1
Then go out and buy.
If stockings are holey
And all out of shape,
To'd best have them mended
Or gifts will escape.
Boston Herald.
Dress Goods Appropriate.
For grass widows lawn.
For the femme passe moire
For her whose locks are thin
For the careless kitchenmald
For the tardy housemaid de
For the sailor's wife serge.
Browning's Magazine.
Walking, we are told, is a good exer
else better than riding in an automo
bile. The trouble is that a great many
of us are not looking for exercise.
Milwaukee Sentinel.
A Forecast.
Jones What do you think will be
the end of the woman question?
Brown There won't be any end.
They'll always be asking 'em.
Praise undeserved Is satire In dis
guise. Broadhurst.
Is the Colored Race Climbin' Up
or Fallin' Down?
Speaker Handicapped by Brother
Gardner, Who Feeds Him Four Days.
Giveadam Jones Acts on His Cue and
Starts the Visitor For Alabama.
Copyright, 1910, by Associated Literary
HEN the regular weekly meet
ing of the Limekiln club
opened for tho transaction
of business Brother Gardner
arose in his place and said:
My freus, dar am waltin' in de
aunty room a pussou named Hon. Itas-
tus Longfoot. He has arrove yore
from Alabamy to deliber a lecture befo'
dis club. De subjic of dnt lecture, as
he informs me, am 'Am de Cull'd Race
Climbin' Up Hill or Fallin' Down?'
When de honorable arrove iu town he
made straight for my cabin, and he has
been dar as a free boarder for de last
four days. His appetite am dat of a
hoss, and de way he makes hisself at
home am a sight to behold. I don't
reckon his lecture amounts to much,
but I can't get rid of him at de house
till he shoots it off. Arter dat Give
adam Jones kin lead him downstairs,
head him southwards and put a boot
whar it will do de most good.
"Don't misunderstand me. I want to
show hospitality to all comers and well-
wishers of dis club, but I want dem
comers to gib me three or fo' days' no
tice in advance and not turu me and de
ole woman outer our only bed at mid
night to finish de night on de grass.
Dis club didn't know dat he would ar
rive in de night arter three months'
tramplu'. It didn't get no postal keerd
from him when he got In Jail for twen
ty days in Ohio. He took his chances.
He will now be brung In by de recep
tion committee, and we will gib him a
respectful hearln'."
Five minutes later the honorable
stood on the platform, bowing to right
and left. He showed up as the tallest
and most cadaverous darky in the
United States, and he had a grin on
him that reached clear back to his ears.
In his right hand he held n closed um
brella which had seen its fiftieth birth
day, in his left a roll of manuscript.
His hair was pompadour and his coat-
tails of extra length.
Rastus Longfoot's Address.
"My hearers," suddenly shouted tho
honorable as be gave a spring nslde,
"do queshun befo' dis large aud fas
tidious audience dis eveuln' am what
your profound and axalted president
has stated. I is one who has watched
de progress of our race wid de most
glariu intensity fur de last fo'ty years.
I has kept my feller cull'd man sized
up. I has encountered him under all
sorts of condishuns.
"I am axin' you tonight if do cull'd
race am climbin' up hill or fallin'
down. I is contendin' dat we reached
de top of do hill about ten years ago
and am now on de fall, and I shall
state my reasons.
"No sooner bad de black man gained
his freedom dan he began to study de
game of poker. Up to ten years ago
dar wasn't a white man in do kentry
who could keep a dollar bill in his
pocket ober night if he played poker
wid one of our race. It cum dead easy
fur us to hold pat flushes and straights,
When wo didn't we alius filled a full
house on do draw. If de pot was as
much as $5 we took it in on a royal
flush. Great applause.
"Fur thirty years we went on scoop
in' de white man. We got his cash,
his mewls, his dawgs and his lands.
ne could beat us in Wall street, but
we could wallop him nt poker. Clap
ping and yelling.
"Nobody dun knew de game of craps
till do liberated black man invented it.
De white man looked at de game and
said it was good 'nough fur him. lis
butted in, and ag'in he was scooped
We got all but his honoh, and I reck
on we got a big slice o' dat. We Jlst
purty nigh bankrupted de kentry
Stamping and howling.
"At do first go-off arter do war de
white man everlastingly walloped us
at de shell game. Den we catched on
and made him holler, and up to a few
years ago we stood at de top of do
heap. Cries of "We did"'
Where Black Beat the White.
"Fur a long tlmo de white man let
us do all de votin' and held all do of
fices. Den we changed around. Fur
thirty years we made them whack up.
iW axed fur what we wanted, end we
got what we axed fur. "Gib ns some
"Fur a long time arter liberty cum
we didn't know how to wear red neck
ties, patent leather shoes and plug
hats. Den we becum de jimdandies of
de land. We swelled. We swaggered,
We sot de styles. Cries of "You
"Eben as late as thirty years ago do
cull'd man was a child on de race track
question. He'd bet any Old money on
any old hoss. He'd bet dat a boss
Would cum in first or last or in de mid
dle. He went dead broke a hundred
tltnos but at last he catches on. and it
was a sad day for ao white man. I
Cheers. j
"Fur a long, long time de cull'd man
saw de white officeholders Ulliu' delr I
pockets wid graft. Dey couldn't see I
how It was done aud nouoiiy tu-m pun
ished fur it. Den de enllghteuuient cum
alone, and. oh. Lawd, how dem niggers
did steal! Dey even stole do panes
glass in de winders and de roofs fn
obed delr heads. TromenIou
long continued applause.
"Fur vears and years arter de wit
de cull'd folks knowed mulln about
divorce. Den dey went in ti learn.
and inside of five years dey was beat-
in' de white folks five to one. Dey
Jlst had divorces and elopements and
scandals till you couldn't keep track
of 'em. Yum-yums.j
"Tpii vears aco de cull'd fam'ly had
its cuckoo clock, its planner ami Its
gilt mirror. Dar was ice cream
around. Dar was a hack at the doah
occasionally. De man at de lmuso had
a lor nt de nostofflec. Dar was uebber
less'u five dawgs under de bed and a
parrot in de parlor, cheers.
"De cull'd man had been diinhin' up
bill. Dar am no bill wldout its crest.
You has only to keep on climbin' to
git dar. You can't stay loallu' around
on dat crest. mi has got to go
down. Dat's what we nm dufn' today
as a race we nm fallin' down de
odder side of de hill. We has seen
our palmy days. Wo am a de de
cline. We am drlftln' right buck to
de pint whar we started from.
Race Down From th-- Crest.
If we am fallin' dov. ' 1 Instead
of climbin' up dar am a i e fur It.
Nuffln' eber happens without a cause.
What's do cause In dis case; Hev we
lost our brains? Hev me bin overcd
decated? Hev we too much wealth?
Was de pace too hot fur us. mentally
and physically? Cries of "Tell us
the cause!"
"My freus, de cause am right yere.
It am dat de assimllashum of de abro
gation am too tremendous fur le ab-
souatulashum. When dat gits to be
do case de desideratum overpowers de
syntax and creates an elocution or de
holocaust. Dar you hev It straight
nnd plain. You will ax If dar am a
cure fur it. I will answer dat ques
hun tomorrow nlirbt from (lis platform.
Thanklu' you fur your uncompromtsln'
and decidlous interest ou dis occasion,
I will now bid you adieu fur a few
The honorable was escorted from
the hall amid intense silence anil on
reaching tho anteroom was handed
over to filveadam Jones. He was led
down the alley stairs, and those listen
ing above heard protests and boots,
mingled about half and half. When
brother Jones returned and got his
breatli back he entered the hall and
"Mlsser rresident, de honorable am
headed fur old Alabamy, and his gait
am sixteen miles an hour!"
"But you assured him of our lastlu
esteem, didn't you?"
"I did, sail. I dun assured him dat
de next performance In do alley would
last a hull hour!"
"Thanks. Brudder Jones, and I reck
on it will now be safe to break de
meetln' in two and go home."
Physician -You need Nome light
! exercise. ?
Patient How would raising a
ten cent piece of ice fifty or six- f
I ty times answer? New York
f Press. 'b
Jack Know that man across the
Jack He's one of those men who
treat a fellow nnd then make him pay
for it.
Pick You don't say!
Jack Sure. He's a doctor. Judge.
Small Fes.
The Bride-DIdn't you give anything
to tho minister who married us?
The Groom I gave him a dollar.
"I thought as much. He kissed me
only once." Yonkers Statesman.
The Versatile Show Girl.
"Say, Ysobel, will you lend me your
long haired blond wig? I've got a
chance to pose for a hair tonic ad."
Browning's Magazine.
Lay of the Christmas Shopper.
Glad Christmas draws nigh, and we sigh
as we buy.
And our hearts and our pursos we opn.
We are full of good cheer, also sickening
As our cares and our shekels elope.
We enjoy a great peace, and our worries
As our bumllcs and debits expand.
While the blithe Yuletlde fun and the
creditor's dun
Fill the air and the malls through the
The mistletoe green and the pawnbroker
Gay enchantments and needed cash lend.
The holly's warm glow and the debts that
we owe
Christmas greetings and troubles por
tend. Llpplncott's.
Why the Little Girl In the Car Had No
IT was near the middle of the after
noon. The car was full of subur
banites returning homo laden with
purchases for tho 'Holidays.
A fair haired matron entered (he car,
followed by a little girl, lioth had
as many bundles as they could carry,
and when the elder of the two had
been provided with a seat there was
only one other to be had. It was by
the side of a large man with a closely
cropped beard. The little girl was
duly Installed in that seat, her pack
ages disposed of to her satisfaction,
and as the train started off who began
a conversation with the large man.
He had smiled at her and taken a part
of her burden on his own lap.
"Awful hard work buying so many
Christmas things, isn't it?" she said.
"Yes, it must be hard work."
"But I like it. I'd most rather buy
Christmas gifts than to go skating,
and I'd rather go skating than do
anything else 'cept cat candy and go
to Sunday school," she added, pulling
down the corners of her mouth as if
with & sudden fear that she was be
coming uuduly frivolous.
iti f ns G0ING 10 BUY
wfmM "new y I
Famous for Forty Years of Cures. Price 50c and $1.00
j nm s my mamma over mere - ton:
lady with the pretty hair. It's all he
own hair too. Don't you think my
mamma's nice?"
"Indeed I do."
"So does papa. He takes mamma on
his lap sometimes, Just like she was a
little girl. Don't you think she'd be a
pretty big armful?"
"Il'm no; none too big."
"Well, 1 guess that's what papa
thinks. He's a big man most as big
ns you are. And he's just as strong!
He curries me round on his shoulder;
sets me up on It, you know. I hold
ou by bis head, and I ain't a bit afraid.
You can't guess what I've got for my
papa In this bundle."
"A pound of candy?"
Tlie little girl laughed gleefully.
"No. I 'spoot lie's got a lot of candy
for me. Guess again."
"A-a necktie?"
"No; 'tlsn't that, either. Mamma
tends to his neckties, and they're al
ways Just right."
"Great So I mean I don't doubt It."
"You'd never guess. I'll have to tell
you. It's n mustache cup, Just the
loveliest one I could find, and It's aw
ful pretty. Papa, he's gut n great, lung
black mustache. Wouldn't you think
It would be dreadful unhandy to kiss
anybody with a long mustache?"
"Well, It Isn't. You get used to It,
you know. When you want to kiss
anybody right bad you ain't going to
let a mustache stop you."
A tall young girl ou the seat Immedi
ately Iu front of the two was sel.ed
Willi a violent fit of coughing that
made her face startllngly red, and she
pulled down the blind to keep the sun
out of her eyes.
"Most everybody In this car Is load
ed down with Christinas things," went
on the little girl. "It's a good thing
your seat isn't full or I'd 'a' had to
stand up. Don't you have any Christ
inas at your house?"
"Christmas? Yes, we always have
Christmas, of course."
"Maybe you haven't got liny little
"Oh, yes; I've got a little girl about
your size."
"Is she a good little girl?"
''Indeed she Is."
"Doesn't slio ever pout?"
"Well, I do sometimes when they
won't give me another piece of cake.
Doesn't she ever go off to some corner
and throw herself down on the lounge
and kick (ho Hour with her toes and
say she's mad and bates everybody?"
"Never acts a bit cross nnd naughty?''
"No, never."
"She must be a dear little girl. Dou't
you love her very much?"
"Yes; oh, yes!"
"Then why haven't you got your
arms full of Christmas presents to take
home to her?"
'Because she doesn't need them, my
ilear," said the man, gently stroking
his litlle friend's glowing cheek. "She
bus gone to live with the angels." C.
Tuvlur In r-l.l,-.i.r,, THIiinm
For "The" Man
Humorous Books 75c to $1.50
The Poets, leather - - 1.00
Toast Books - - .75
Card Cases $1.00 to 2.00
Loose Leaf Memo
Books - - 75eto2.50
Rules of the Game - - 1.40
Purchase Price - - 1.18
For Father
Fountain Pen $1.50 to $5.00
Purse or Bill Book 25c to 2.00
Dictionery - - 20c to $12.00
All Late $1.50 Copyrights now $1.18. Older Copy
rights Reduced Accordingly.
You can Find a Book Suitable for any Relative or Friend at
Columbia Professor The Greeks had
no roofs over their theaters.
Student -What did the audience do
When It ralued?
Professor- Got wet, I suppose.
j True Love. i
,;! Stella -Cholly proposed to me. x
f- Bella-Yes. I told him If lie
jj didn't take you he would get J
? me. New York Sun.
Up to Date.
Parent -Is my son very progressive,
lo you think?
Teacher--Great Scott, yes; He's the
worst insurgent In the whole school.
Looking For a Sucker.
At the Cabinet Meeting Norton,
what does that Mlssourlan out there
"He has a patent for taking tho
pucker out of persimmons."
Ii i i-ii i
Knlcker Are you culling down
Mrs. Knlcker - Yes. I am pay
ing only half the bills.-Puck.
The Dominie's Trust
Thi story Is told of the Hev. James
Patersoii of Philadelphia that he once
said in a circle of ids brethren that
he thought ministers ought to be hum
ble nnd poor, like (heir Master. "J
have often prayed." said he, "that I
might be kept humble. I never prayed
that I might be poor -I could '.rust my
church for that!" -Argonaut.
The Spirit of Christmas 50c
The Old English Christmas 25c
The Violet Book - - $1.50;
Salome v Jane - - 1.25
Locke's Christmas Mystery 75i
Out to Old Aunt Mary's $2.00
Post Card Albums 10c to 2.01
For Baby
Paper Books - 10 to 50c
Linen Books - 10c to $1.00
Stories to read to baby
25c to 1.50
Nurserv RhYmes am
Tales - - 25c to 1.50
Statu of Oregon, (
County of Hood River. 1
I, Geo. D. Culbertson, County Clerk
of Hood River County, Oregon, do
hereby certify that at a general
election held in said County ami State
on the Hth day of November, 1910, that
the question of whether stock should
be permitted to run at large in Bald
win Precinct of said County and State,
was duly submitted to the legal voters
of said precinct, and that as a result of
said election a majority vote was cast
against stock running at large in said
Baldwin Precinct, and
Now Therefore, pursuant to the
direction of the Btatuto of the State of
Oregon, so made and provided, I do
hereby declare and gi e notice that it
shall lie unlawful on and after sixty
days from the date hereof, within the
boundaries of the said llnlilwin Pre
cinct, in Hood River County, State of
Oregon, for anv Live Stock, viz; Any
cow, call', bulf or steer, any horse,
mare, colt, gelding or stallion, any
mule, jack, or jennet, any sheep, lamb
ir lambs, goat or gouts, kids or kids,
hog or hogs, pig or pigs, to run at
large, under penalty of ten dollars for
the first offense and twenty dollars
for each and every subsequent offense,
to be recovered from the owner of the
stock in civil action before a justice of
the peace in said precinct.
In Testimony Whereof, I have here
unto set my hand and (he seal of the
Court this 21st d-.v of November, 1910.
d-S. Geo. I) Culhei-fiun,
County Clerk of Hood liiver County.
Real Estate
TEN ACRES, hh-lmlf milo
li'tiiii towii.SficrcsiutiwH
hoimc in l"M riiifr, balanco
in .'5, -I tuil 5 yp-ir old
lives. (iood hfll'll, all
tools, plenty of water for
irriatiiifi' an well aw run
liinjr wilier on the place,
2 ticies of strawberries.
Phone 22HI.
Office Oregon Hotel
To "The One" Girl
Book of Sweet Hearts $1.50
Garden of Girls - - 3.50
Pictures of Colors - 3.50
Fancy Christmas Cards
c to i.ou
Christmas Station
ery - - 50c to 2.00
Art Calendar - - 10c to 4.00
For Mother
The Rosary - - $2.50
Testaments and
Bibles - - $2.50 to 4.1)0
The Master Violin - - 1.50
Pictures of Memory - 50c