HOOD RIVER GLACIER, THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1910 CURIO TOBOWSER His Bid Gets the Louis XVI. Sideboard. FOR AN ANNIVERSARY GIFT. Too Big to Get Through the Gate. Bowser Enraged, Chops It to Pieces. Mrs. Bowser Weeps A Divorce Suit on the Horizon. By M. QUAD. Copyright, 1910, by Associated Literary I'ress. 'II EN Mr. Bowser walked luto the house at 4 o'clock the other afternoon Sirs. Bow ser's first thought was thnt he had come home 111. He didn't look It, however. Ou the contrary, there was a healthy grin on his f:fee. "It-It Isn't a holiday?" she queried. "Not for the public," he answered, "though I'm making it one for us. Just a small holiday, you know one for a cent or two." "But -what Is It? What's going on?" "Ha, ha, ha! I thought you'd forgot ten all about It. Talk about sentiment, but I believe that husbands have more than wives. Mrs. Bowser, thirty-five years ago today I asked you to be my little wlfey. It's the anniversary of a most happy event, and' I thought to celebrate It In a fitting manner." "But how came you to remember the day?" she asked. "Oh, I ran across It in an old letter some time ago and carefully preserved the date. Trust a loving husband to keep track of such things." "How good of you! I'm ashamed that I did not remember It myself." "That's all right, little one. Thirty five years ago today and about this WHEN BOWSER PROPOSED. hour we were sitting together In your father's house. All of a sudden I ask ed you to be mine, and you said you would." "But I didn't say so nt once, did I?" she asked as a blush showed ou her cheeks. "I guess you waited n minute or two before making me the happiest man on earth." "And you haven't been sorry?" "I have thanked heaven evoiy day since and shall till I die. This evening we will go out to dinner, nnd then It's the theater. We'll just have a Jolly time. Meanwhile I came home to say that I have purchased n trifling me mento of the occasion something we can look at dally and recall those old flays." "i'ou good man! What Is It?" "You couldn't guess In a hundred years, but I know you'll be tickled half to death. I was the most fortunate man in the world to get It. If I had been fifteen minutes late it would have been gone." "Then it isn't jewelry?" "No." "Anything to wear?" "No." "Is It a patent rocking chair for me?" "No. Here it comes, and you won't have to do any more guessing!" Curio Draws Crowd. A big truck had driven up and was backing to the curb. On It was a bungalow. At least, Mrs. Bowser took It for one and exclaimed: "Why, we are not going camping in the winter, are we!" "Don't you know what It is?" "A bungalow, or something of that sort Shall you set it up la the back yard?" "Hardly," laughed Mr. Bowser. "Come out nnd take a look at it." There were three men with the truck, and by the time Mrs. Bowser reached the gate a dozen more and a score of children had gathered. They were saying to each other that It was a bungalow, a monkey house, a mov ing picture show, a photograph gal lery and other things, when Mr. Bow ser said, with a smile and a flourish: "Mrs. Bowser, let me introduce you to the grandest piece of furniture which ever had a place in the palace f a king." "But I can't quite make out what it is." "It is the favorite sideboard of Louis XVI, and antiquarians have called it almost priceless. It is said to be tho last thing his eyes rested on before his head dropped into the basket of the guillotine. I bought it at auction yes terday. There were fifty bidders, but I beat them all. What do you think of It as a souvenir of our engage ment?" Before she could answer the boss truckman called out: "Now, then, how are we going to get this thing into the yard? I have Just measured, and it won't pass through the gate by two feet." "Then It must be lifted over the fence." "All right, but you'll have to hire three more men to help lift, and if your fence breaks down you can't blame me." Mrs. Bowser made her escape into the house and sank down in a chair and burst into tears. Mr. Bowser had tried to be good, but he bad made a mess of It. Outside she could hear teams and autos stopping and the crowd increasing and the truckmen Ill swearing. Helpers and tho Police. Five more men were hired to help boost Mr. Bowser waved his arms and shouted directions. Two policemen arrived and wanted to know what the devil was the mat ter. Several excited women living on the block wanted to know why some men in the crowd didn't have brains enough to ring for the ambulance. "Up she goes! Boost her! There she is!" The famous sideboard rested on top of the fence for a moment, and then the fence gave way with a crash. Cheers from the enthusiastic patri ots. Swear words from the nouenthusi- astlc truckmen. Threats of life imprisonment from the two cops. Orders and gestures from Mr. Bow ser. Of course there were various sugges tions of more or less practical value. A civil engineer suggested that the house be moved out over the sideboard to solve the problem. A plumber suggested that if he were given a chance to stop a few leaks and send in his bill the sideboard would move on of Its own accord. A-woman with a small mutton roast in a big basket suggested that wings be attached and the thing be given a chance to fly. The boss truckman suggested that tho thing be left where it was till an other day, when he would come with a band of experienced men and rope and tackle and "snake" her along. The two cops suggested that the crowd disperse nnd went to pushing and clubbing to encourage it to do so. Amid the numerous suggestions Mr. Bowser entered the house to see what Mrs. Bowser might have to say. "Just a slight accident, you know," he said as he noticed the tears In her eyes. "I give you my word the pre cious relic is not even scratched." "I'm I'm so sorry!" she said as she fell to weeping again. Tears, Hacks, Threat. "Sorry, sorry! What in thunder alls you? Isnt' It a Louis XVI. side board?" "I I guess so." "Isn't it the last thing ho looked at on earth?" "Maybe 'tis." "And won't we have it in the dining room shortly?" "But .how are you going to get it there? It's wider than the gate and it's wider than any door or window. Are you going to tear the front of tho house out?" "Woman!" And then he went out and peered and peeked and squinted and meas ured with a tapeline and said to the boss truckman: "She won't go Into the house." "Who said she would?" was the re ply. "But I-I"- "You ought to have bought a ware house instead. I've fooled around here long enough!" There were Just two things for Mr. Bowser to do, and he did them. He got the ax and chopped and split and splintered and hacked until that side board was reduced to kindlings and his audience tired of applauding, and then he went into the house and said to Mrs. Bowser: "Woman, this is the dead line the end! You consult your lawyer and I'll consult mine, nnd we'll have tho thing over with!" A Cass of Must. Briggs Come, now, do you think that it is honorable to marry a girl that you don't love Just because she has money? Griggs Honorable? Why, it's necessary. Life. Modern System. "And what is this rubber stamp for?" we ask of the Kentucky moun taineer at whose humble home we are stopping overnight. "That?" he smiles. "Well, friend, that's somepln I use whenever I shoot one o' th Tolllvers. Hev to conform to th' statoots." He stamps upon a piece of paper with it and we read: "Guaranteed Under the Ture Feud Laws." Life. A Matter of Sentiment. "Were you annoyed by the way the customs inspectors handled your trunks?" "No, indeed," replied the young wo man from Kansas. "We were so homesick that we really enjoyed see ing something that looked like a cy clone." Washington Star. Holiday Hints. Shop early and often, For Christmas Is nigh. Get rid of leftovers, 1 Then go out and buy. If stockings are holey And all out of shape, To'd best have them mended Or gifts will escape. Boston Herald. Dress Goods Appropriate. For grass widows lawn. For the femme passe moire antique. For her whose locks are thin mo'halr. For the careless kitchenmald crash. For the tardy housemaid de laine. For the sailor's wife serge. Browning's Magazine. Exeroise. Walking, we are told, is a good exer else better than riding in an automo bile. The trouble is that a great many of us are not looking for exercise. Milwaukee Sentinel. A Forecast. Jones What do you think will be the end of the woman question? Brown There won't be any end. They'll always be asking 'em. Praise undeserved Is satire In dis guise. Broadhurst. LIMEKILN NIGHT. Is the Colored Race Climbin' Up or Fallin' Down? RASTUS LONGFOOT'S SPEECH. Speaker Handicapped by Brother Gardner, Who Feeds Him Four Days. Giveadam Jones Acts on His Cue and Starts the Visitor For Alabama. By M. QUAD. Copyright, 1910, by Associated Literary Press. w HEN the regular weekly meet ing of the Limekiln club opened for tho transaction of business Brother Gardner arose in his place and said: My freus, dar am waltin' in de aunty room a pussou named Hon. Itas- tus Longfoot. He has arrove yore from Alabamy to deliber a lecture befo' dis club. De subjic of dnt lecture, as he informs me, am 'Am de Cull'd Race Climbin' Up Hill or Fallin' Down?' When de honorable arrove iu town he made straight for my cabin, and he has been dar as a free boarder for de last four days. His appetite am dat of a hoss, and de way he makes hisself at home am a sight to behold. I don't reckon his lecture amounts to much, but I can't get rid of him at de house till he shoots it off. Arter dat Give adam Jones kin lead him downstairs, head him southwards and put a boot whar it will do de most good. "Don't misunderstand me. I want to show hospitality to all comers and well- wishers of dis club, but I want dem comers to gib me three or fo' days' no tice in advance and not turu me and de ole woman outer our only bed at mid night to finish de night on de grass. Dis club didn't know dat he would ar rive in de night arter three months' tramplu'. It didn't get no postal keerd from him when he got In Jail for twen ty days in Ohio. He took his chances. He will now be brung In by de recep tion committee, and we will gib him a respectful hearln'." Five minutes later the honorable stood on the platform, bowing to right THIS LONG, CADAVEROUS SPEAKER. and left. He showed up as the tallest and most cadaverous darky in the United States, and he had a grin on him that reached clear back to his ears. In his right hand he held n closed um brella which had seen its fiftieth birth day, in his left a roll of manuscript. His hair was pompadour and his coat- tails of extra length. Rastus Longfoot's Address. "My hearers," suddenly shouted tho honorable as be gave a spring nslde, "do queshun befo' dis large aud fas tidious audience dis eveuln' am what your profound and axalted president has stated. I is one who has watched de progress of our race wid de most glariu intensity fur de last fo'ty years. I has kept my feller cull'd man sized up. I has encountered him under all sorts of condishuns. "I am axin' you tonight if do cull'd race am climbin' up hill or fallin' down. I is contendin' dat we reached de top of do hill about ten years ago and am now on de fall, and I shall state my reasons. "No sooner bad de black man gained his freedom dan he began to study de game of poker. Up to ten years ago dar wasn't a white man in do kentry who could keep a dollar bill in his pocket ober night if he played poker wid one of our race. It cum dead easy fur us to hold pat flushes and straights, When wo didn't we alius filled a full house on do draw. If de pot was as much as $5 we took it in on a royal flush. Great applause. "Fur thirty years we went on scoop in' de white man. We got his cash, his mewls, his dawgs and his lands. ne could beat us in Wall street, but we could wallop him nt poker. Clap ping and yelling. "Nobody dun knew de game of craps till do liberated black man invented it. De white man looked at de game and said it was good 'nough fur him. lis butted in, and ag'in he was scooped We got all but his honoh, and I reck on we got a big slice o' dat. We Jlst purty nigh bankrupted de kentry Stamping and howling. "At do first go-off arter do war de white man everlastingly walloped us at de shell game. Den we catched on and made him holler, and up to a few years ago we stood at de top of do heap. Cries of "We did"' Where Black Beat the White. "Fur a long tlmo de white man let us do all de votin' and held all do of fices. Den we changed around. Fur thirty years we made them whack up. iW axed fur what we wanted, end we got what we axed fur. "Gib ns some more!" "Fur a long time arter liberty cum we didn't know how to wear red neck ties, patent leather shoes and plug hats. Den we becum de jimdandies of de land. We swelled. We swaggered, We sot de styles. Cries of "You bet!" "Eben as late as thirty years ago do cull'd man was a child on de race track question. He'd bet any Old money on any old hoss. He'd bet dat a boss Would cum in first or last or in de mid dle. He went dead broke a hundred tltnos but at last he catches on. and it was a sad day for ao white man. I Cheers. j "Fur a long, long time de cull'd man saw de white officeholders Ulliu' delr I pockets wid graft. Dey couldn't see I how It was done aud nouoiiy tu-m pun ished fur it. Den de enllghteuuient cum alone, and. oh. Lawd, how dem niggers did steal! Dey even stole do panes i.f glass in de winders and de roofs fn oui obed delr heads. TromenIou long continued applause. ana "Fur vears and years arter de wit ah de cull'd folks knowed mulln about divorce. Den dey went in ti learn. and inside of five years dey was beat- in' de white folks five to one. Dey Jlst had divorces and elopements and scandals till you couldn't keep track of 'em. Yum-yums.j "Tpii vears aco de cull'd fam'ly had its cuckoo clock, its planner ami Its gilt mirror. Dar was ice cream around. Dar was a hack at the doah occasionally. De man at de lmuso had a lor nt de nostofflec. Dar was uebber less'u five dawgs under de bed and a parrot in de parlor, cheers. "De cull'd man had been diinhin' up bill. Dar am no bill wldout its crest. You has only to keep on climbin' to git dar. You can't stay loallu' around on dat crest. mi has got to go down. Dat's what we nm dufn' today as a race we nm fallin' down de odder side of de hill. We has seen our palmy days. Wo am a de de cline. We am drlftln' right buck to de pint whar we started from. Groans. Race Down From th-- Crest. If we am fallin' dov. ' 1 Instead of climbin' up dar am a i e fur It. Nuffln' eber happens without a cause. What's do cause In dis case; Hev we lost our brains? Hev me bin overcd decated? Hev we too much wealth? Was de pace too hot fur us. mentally and physically? Cries of "Tell us the cause!" "My freus, de cause am right yere. It am dat de assimllashum of de abro gation am too tremendous fur le ab- souatulashum. When dat gits to be do case de desideratum overpowers de syntax and creates an elocution or de holocaust. Dar you hev It straight nnd plain. You will ax If dar am a cure fur it. I will answer dat ques hun tomorrow nlirbt from (lis platform. Thanklu' you fur your uncompromtsln' and decidlous interest ou dis occasion, I will now bid you adieu fur a few hours." The honorable was escorted from the hall amid intense silence anil on reaching tho anteroom was handed over to filveadam Jones. He was led down the alley stairs, and those listen ing above heard protests and boots, mingled about half and half. When brother Jones returned and got his breatli back he entered the hall and reported. "Mlsser rresident, de honorable am headed fur old Alabamy, and his gait am sixteen miles an hour!" "But you assured him of our lastlu esteem, didn't you?" "I did, sail. I dun assured him dat de next performance In do alley would last a hull hour!" "Thanks. Brudder Jones, and I reck on it will now be safe to break de meetln' in two and go home." Lightweight. Physician -You need Nome light ! exercise. ? Patient How would raising a ten cent piece of ice fifty or six- f I ty times answer? New York f Press. 'b Identified. Jack Know that man across the street? Dick-No. Jack He's one of those men who treat a fellow nnd then make him pay for it. Pick You don't say! Jack Sure. He's a doctor. Judge. Small Fes. The Bride-DIdn't you give anything to tho minister who married us? The Groom I gave him a dollar. "I thought as much. He kissed me only once." Yonkers Statesman. The Versatile Show Girl. "Say, Ysobel, will you lend me your long haired blond wig? I've got a chance to pose for a hair tonic ad." Browning's Magazine. Lay of the Christmas Shopper. Glad Christmas draws nigh, and we sigh as we buy. And our hearts and our pursos we opn. We are full of good cheer, also sickening fear, As our cares and our shekels elope. We enjoy a great peace, and our worries increase As our bumllcs and debits expand. While the blithe Yuletlde fun and the creditor's dun Fill the air and the malls through the land. The mistletoe green and the pawnbroker keen Gay enchantments and needed cash lend. The holly's warm glow and the debts that we owe Christmas greetings and troubles por tend. Llpplncott's. A STORY FOR CHRISTMAS. Why the Little Girl In the Car Had No Bundles. IT was near the middle of the after noon. The car was full of subur banites returning homo laden with purchases for tho 'Holidays. A fair haired matron entered (he car, followed by a little girl, lioth had as many bundles as they could carry, and when the elder of the two had been provided with a seat there was only one other to be had. It was by the side of a large man with a closely cropped beard. The little girl was duly Installed in that seat, her pack ages disposed of to her satisfaction, and as the train started off who began a conversation with the large man. He had smiled at her and taken a part of her burden on his own lap. "Awful hard work buying so many Christmas things, isn't it?" she said. "Yes, it must be hard work." "But I like it. I'd most rather buy Christmas gifts than to go skating, and I'd rather go skating than do anything else 'cept cat candy and go to Sunday school," she added, pulling down the corners of her mouth as if with & sudden fear that she was be coming uuduly frivolous. iti f ns G0ING 10 BUY wfmM "new y I DISCOVERY COUGHS,COLDS,WHOOPING COUGH AND ALL DISEASES OF THROAT, CHEST AND LUNGS Famous for Forty Years of Cures. Price 50c and $1.00 j nm s my mamma over mere - ton: lady with the pretty hair. It's all he own hair too. Don't you think my mamma's nice?" "Indeed I do." "So does papa. He takes mamma on his lap sometimes, Just like she was a little girl. Don't you think she'd be a pretty big armful?" "Il'm no; none too big." "Well, 1 guess that's what papa thinks. He's a big man most as big ns you are. And he's just as strong! He curries me round on his shoulder; sets me up on It, you know. I hold ou by bis head, and I ain't a bit afraid. You can't guess what I've got for my papa In this bundle." "A pound of candy?" Tlie little girl laughed gleefully. "No. I 'spoot lie's got a lot of candy for me. Guess again." "A-a necktie?" "No; 'tlsn't that, either. Mamma tends to his neckties, and they're al ways Just right." "Great So I mean I don't doubt It." "You'd never guess. I'll have to tell you. It's n mustache cup, Just the loveliest one I could find, and It's aw ful pretty. Papa, he's gut n great, lung black mustache. Wouldn't you think It would be dreadful unhandy to kiss anybody with a long mustache?" "Why-er"- "Well, It Isn't. You get used to It, you know. When you want to kiss anybody right bad you ain't going to let a mustache stop you." A tall young girl ou the seat Immedi ately Iu front of the two was sel.ed Willi a violent fit of coughing that made her face startllngly red, and she pulled down the blind to keep the sun out of her eyes. "Most everybody In this car Is load ed down with Christinas things," went on the little girl. "It's a good thing your seat isn't full or I'd 'a' had to stand up. Don't you have any Christ inas at your house?" "Christmas? Yes, we always have Christmas, of course." "Maybe you haven't got liny little folks?" "Oh, yes; I've got a little girl about your size." "Is she a good little girl?" ''Indeed she Is." "Doesn't slio ever pout?" "Never." "Well, I do sometimes when they won't give me another piece of cake. Doesn't she ever go off to some corner and throw herself down on the lounge and kick (ho Hour with her toes and say she's mad and bates everybody?" "Never." "Never acts a bit cross nnd naughty?'' "No, never." "She must be a dear little girl. Dou't you love her very much?" "Yes; oh, yes!" "Then why haven't you got your arms full of Christmas presents to take home to her?" 'Because she doesn't need them, my ilear," said the man, gently stroking his litlle friend's glowing cheek. "She bus gone to live with the angels." C. Tuvlur In r-l.l,-.i.r,, THIiinm SUGGESTIONS For "The" Man Humorous Books 75c to $1.50 The Poets, leather - - 1.00 Toast Books - - .75 Card Cases $1.00 to 2.00 Loose Leaf Memo Books - - 75eto2.50 Rules of the Game - - 1.40 Purchase Price - - 1.18 For Father Fountain Pen $1.50 to $5.00 Purse or Bill Book 25c to 2.00 Dictionery - - 20c to $12.00 All Late $1.50 Copyrights now $1.18. Older Copy rights Reduced Accordingly. You can Find a Book Suitable for any Relative or Friend at PIFER'S BOOK & STATIONERY STORE HOTEL OREGON BUILDING THE CURE THAT'S SURE FOR H SOLD AND GUARANTEED BY CHAS N. CLARKE Columbia Professor The Greeks had no roofs over their theaters. Student -What did the audience do When It ralued? Professor- Got wet, I suppose. j True Love. i ,;! Stella -Cholly proposed to me. x f- Bella-Yes. I told him If lie jj didn't take you he would get J ? me. New York Sun. ? Up to Date. Parent -Is my son very progressive, lo you think? Teacher--Great Scott, yes; He's the worst insurgent In the whole school. Puck. Looking For a Sucker. At the Cabinet Meeting Norton, what does that Mlssourlan out there want? "He has a patent for taking tho pucker out of persimmons." Ii i i-ii i it Financial, Knlcker Are you culling down expenses? Mrs. Knlcker - Yes. I am pay ing only half the bills.-Puck. The Dominie's Trust Thi story Is told of the Hev. James Patersoii of Philadelphia that he once said in a circle of ids brethren that he thought ministers ought to be hum ble nnd poor, like (heir Master. "J have often prayed." said he, "that I might be kept humble. I never prayed that I might be poor -I could '.rust my church for that!" -Argonaut. FOR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR BOY OR GIRL IN SCHOOL The Spirit of Christmas 50c The Old English Christmas 25c The Violet Book - - $1.50; Salome v Jane - - 1.25 Locke's Christmas Mystery 75i Out to Old Aunt Mary's $2.00 Post Card Albums 10c to 2.01 For Baby Paper Books - 10 to 50c Linen Books - 10c to $1.00 Stories to read to baby 25c to 1.50 Nurserv RhYmes am Tales - - 25c to 1.50 Notice. Statu of Oregon, ( County of Hood River. 1 I, Geo. D. Culbertson, County Clerk of Hood River County, Oregon, do hereby certify that at a general election held in said County ami State on the Hth day of November, 1910, that the question of whether stock should be permitted to run at large in Bald win Precinct of said County and State, was duly submitted to the legal voters of said precinct, and that as a result of said election a majority vote was cast against stock running at large in said Baldwin Precinct, and Now Therefore, pursuant to the direction of the Btatuto of the State of Oregon, so made and provided, I do hereby declare and gi e notice that it shall lie unlawful on and after sixty days from the date hereof, within the boundaries of the said llnlilwin Pre cinct, in Hood River County, State of Oregon, for anv Live Stock, viz; Any cow, call', bulf or steer, any horse, mare, colt, gelding or stallion, any mule, jack, or jennet, any sheep, lamb ir lambs, goat or gouts, kids or kids, hog or hogs, pig or pigs, to run at large, under penalty of ten dollars for the first offense and twenty dollars for each and every subsequent offense, to be recovered from the owner of the stock in civil action before a justice of the peace in said precinct. In Testimony Whereof, I have here unto set my hand and (he seal of the Court this 21st d-.v of November, 1910. d-S. Geo. I) Culhei-fiun, County Clerk of Hood liiver County. Real Estate Bulletin $7,500 TEN ACRES, hh-lmlf milo li'tiiii towii.SficrcsiutiwH hoimc in l"M riiifr, balanco in .'5, -I tuil 5 yp-ir old lives. (iood hfll'll, all tools, plenty of water for irriatiiifi' an well aw run liinjr wilier on the place, 2 ticies of strawberries. GuyY.Edwards&Co. Phone 22HI. Office Oregon Hotel To "The One" Girl Book of Sweet Hearts $1.50 Garden of Girls - - 3.50 Pictures of Colors - 3.50 Fancy Christmas Cards c to i.ou Christmas Station ery - - 50c to 2.00 Art Calendar - - 10c to 4.00 For Mother The Rosary - - $2.50 Testaments and Bibles - - $2.50 to 4.1)0 The Master Violin - - 1.50 Pictures of Memory - 50c I I