IP00RH0USE
BY MARY
CI I APT Kit XXII.-tContlnued.)
While the family were making arrange
men! to move from (.Hen wood to Chico
pee, Henry for the lirnt time in his life
liciritii to nee how little use he waa to
himself or any one else. Nothing wan ex
pected of him, cuDsecjueutly nothing was
asked of him, be began to wonder how he
himself wait henceforth to exist. Ilia
father would be In California, and he hud
too much pride to lounge around the old
homestead, which had come to them
through (ieorge Moreland'a generosity.
Suddenly it occurred to him that he,
too, would go with his father he would
help him repair their fortunes he would
be a man, and when he returned home,
hope painted a Joyful meeting with his
mother aud Jenny, who should be proud
to acknowledge him as a son and broth
er. Mr. Lincoln warmly seconded his
resolution, which possibly would have
never been carried out had not Henry
heard of Miss Heindott'a engagement
with a rich old bachelor, whom he had
often heard her ridicule. (husing tlia
fickleness of the fair lady, and half-wishing
that he had not broken with Ella,
whose fortune, though not what he had
expected, was considerable, be bade adieu
to his native sky, and two weeks after
the family removed to Chicopee, he sail
ed with his father for the land of gold.
Hut alas! The tempter was there be
fore him. and In an unguarded moment
he fell. The newly made grave, the nar
row cotlln, the pale, dead sister aud the
solenui vow were all forgotten and a de
bauch of three weeks was followed by a
violent fever, which in a few days cut
short his mortal career. He died alone,
with none but his father to witness his
wild ravings, in which he talked of his
distant home, of Jcnuy and Kose, Mary
Howard aud Klla, the last of whom he
seemed now to love with a madness
amounting almost to frenzy. Tearing out
handfuls of his rich brown hair, he thrust
it iuto his rather's hand, bidding him to
curry It to Klla aud tell her that the heart
she had so earnestly coveted wa hers In
death. And the father, far more wretch
ed now than when his fiist-born daugh
ter died, promised everything, and when
his only son was clrad, he laid him down
to sleep beneath the blue sky of Califor
nia, where not one of the many bitter
tears shed for him in his far-off home
could fall upon his lonely grave.
CHAPTER XXUl.
Great was the excitement in Rice Cor
ner when it was known that on the even
ing of the 10th of September a grand
wedding would take place in the house
of Mrs. M imon. Mary was to be married
to the "richest man in Boston," so the
story ran, amk, what was better yet,
ninny of the neighbors were to be invit
ed. Almost every day, whether pleasant
or not, Jenny Lincoln came over to dis
cuss the matter, and to ask if it were not
time to send for William, who was to
be one of the groomsmen, while she, to
gether with Ida, were to officiate as
hriilcsmni.ls. In this last cnrtacltv Ella
had been requested to act, but the tears
came quickly to her large mournful eyes,
and turning away, she wondered how
Mary corld thus mock her grief!
From one fashionable watering place
to another Mrs. Campbell had taken her,
nnd finding that nothing there had power
to rouse her drooping energies, she had,
toward the close of the summer, brought
her back to Chicopee, hoping that old
scenes ami familiar faces would effect
what novelty and excitement had failed
to do. All unworthy as Ileury Lincoln
hail been, his sad death had cast a dark
shadow across Ella's pathsy. Hour
after hour would she sit, gazing upon
the locks of shining hair, which over land
and sea had come to her in a letter from
her father, who told her of the closing
scene, when Henry called for her to cool
the heat of his fevered brow. Every
word aud look of tenderness was treas
ured up, ami the belief fondly cherished
that he had always loved her thus, else
why in the Inst fearful struggle was she
alone remembered of all the dear ones in
his distant home?
The bridal day was bright, beautiful
and balmy, as the first days of Septem
ber often are, and when the sun went
down the full silvery moon came softly
up, as If to shower her blessings upon
the nuptials about to be celebrated. Many
and brilliant lights were flashing from
the windows of Mrs. Mason's cottage.
Aud now guest after guest flitted down
the narrow staircase and entered the par
lor, which, with the bedroom adjoining,
was soon filled. Ere long Mr. Seldon
who seemed to be master of ceremonies,
appeared. Immediately the crowd fell
back, leaving a vacant space in front of
the mirror. The busy hum of voices died
away, and only a few suppressed whis
pers of, "There! Look! See! Oh, my!"
were heard, as the bridal party took their
places.
Among the first to congratulate "Mrs.
Moreland" was Sally Furbush, followed
by Mrs. Perkins, who whispered to
George that "she kinder had a notion
how 'twould end when she first saw him
In the school house; but I'm glad you've
got him," turning to Mary, "for it must
bo easier livin' iu the city than keepin'
school. You'll have a hired girl, I s'pose?"
When supper was announced tho widow
made herself very useful in waiting upon
the table and asking some of the Hoston
ladies "if they'd be helped to anything in
them dishes," pointing to the finger
glasses, which now for the first time ap
peared In Rice Corner! The half-suppressed
mirth of the ladies convinced the
widow that she'd made a blunder, and
perfectly disgusted with "new-fangled
fashions," she retreated into the kitchen,
where she found things more to brr taste,
and "thanked her stars she could, if she
liked, eat with her fingers, and wipe
them on her pocket handkerchief."
Soon after her engagement Mary had
asked that Sally should go with her to
her city home. To this George willingly
assented, and it was decided that she
should remain with Mrs. Mason until the
bridal party returned from the western
tijur they were intending to take. Sally
know nothing of this arrangement until
the morning of the wedding, when she
was told that she was not to return to
the poorhons again.
"Aud verily,' 1 have this day met with
a groat deliverance," said she, a hit tears,
the first shed in many a year, mingled
with the old creature's thanks for this
unexpected happiness. As Mary was leav;
ing she whispered in her ear, "If your
travels lead yon near my Willie's grave
drop a tear on it for my sake. You'll
find it under the buckeye tree, where the
tall grass and wild flowers grow."
George had relatives in Chicago, and,
after spending a short time in that city
Mary, remembering Sally's request, ex
pressed a desire to visit the spot renown
ed aa the burial place of "Willie anj
TO PALACE
J. HOLMES
Willie's father." Ever ready to gratify
her slightest wish, George consented, and
toward the close of a uiild autumnul day
they stopped at a small public house on
the border of a vast pruirie. The arrival
of to distinguished-looking people caus
ed quite a commotion, aud after duly in
specting Mary's handsome traveling
dress and calculating Its probable cost,
the hostess departed to prepare the eveu
lug meal, which was soon forthcoming.
When supper was over and the family
bad gathered into the plcusaut sitting
room, George asked if there was ever a
man in those parts by the name of Fur
bush. "What! Bill Furbush V" asked the land
lord. George did not know, but thought lika
ly that might have been his name, as his
son was culled William.
"Lud, yes!" returned the landlord. "I
k no wed Bill Furbush well-ho came here
from Massachusetts, and I from Var
mont; but, poor feller, he was too weakly
to bear much, and the first fever he took
finished him up. His old woman was as
clever n creature as ever was, but she
had some high notions."
"Did she die, too?" asked George.
"No, but It's a pity she didn't, for when
Bill and the boy died she went ravin'
mad, and I never felt so like cryin' as I
did when I see her a teurin' her hair aud
goin' on so. We kept her a spell, and
then her old man's brother's girl came fur
her and took her off; and the last I heard
the girl was dead, and she was iu the
poorhouse somewhere East. She was
born there, I b'lleve."
"X:, she woru't, either," said the land
lady, who for some minutes had been
aching to speak. "No. she w.irn't, either;
I know all about it. She was born in
England, and got to be quite a girl he
fore she came over. Her name was
Sarah Fletcher, and Peter Fletcher, who
died with the cholera, was her own un
cle, anil ull the connection she bad in
this country; but goodness, am, what ails
you?" she added, as Mary turned white,
while (ieorge passed his arm around her
to keep her from falling. "Here, So
phrony, fetch the camphire; she's goiu'
to faint."
But Mary did not faint, and after
smelling the camphor, she said, "Go on,
madam, and tell me more of Sarah
Fletcher."
"She can do it," whispered the land
lord, with a sly wink. "She knows ev
erybody's history from Dan to Beer
sheby." "This intimation was wholly lost on the
good-humored hostess, who continued,
"Mr. Fletcher died wheu Sarah was
small, and her mother married a Mr. ,
I don't justly remember his name "
"Temple?" suggested Mary.
"Yes, Temple, that's it. He was rich
and cross, and broke her heart by the
time she had her second baby. Sarah
was adopted by her Grandmother Fletch
er, who died, and she came with her
uncle to America."
"Did she ever speak of her sisters?"
asked Mary, and the woman replied:
"Before she got crazy she did. One
of 'em, she said, was in this country
somewhere, and t'other, the one she re
membered the best, and talked the most
about, lived iu England. She said she
wanted to write to 'em, but her uncle, he
hated the Temples, so he wouldn't let her,
and as time went on she kinder forgot
'em, and didn't know where to direct,
' and after she took crazy she never would
speak of her sisters, or own that she had
any."
'is Mr. Furbush buried near here?"
asked (ieorge, and the landlord answered:
"Little better than a stone's throw. I
can see the very tree from here, and may
be your younger eyes can make out the
graves. He ought to have a gravestun,
for he was a good feller."
The new moon was shining, and Mary,
who came to her husband's side, couid
plainly discern the buckeye tree, and the
two graves where "Willie and Willie's
father" had long been sleeping. The
next morning before the sun was up Mary
stood by the mounds where often In
years gone by Sally Furbush had seen the
moon go down, and the stars grow pale
in the coming day, as she kept her tire
less watch over her loved and lost.
"Willie was my cousin your cousin,"
said Mary, resting her hand upon the bit
of board which stood at the head of the
little graves. George understood her
wishes, and when they left the place a
handsome marble slab marked the spot
where the father and his infant son were
buried.
CHAPTER XXIV.
Bewildered, and unable to comprehend
a word, Sally listened while Mary told
her of the relationship between them;
but the mists which for years had
shrouded her reason were too dense to
be suddenly cleared away; and when
Mary wept, winding her arms around her
neck and calling her "aunt;" and when
the elegant Mrs. Campbell, scarcely less
bewildered than Sally herself, came for
ward, addressing her as "sister," she
turned aside to Mrs. Mason, asking in a
whisper "what had made them crnzy?"
But when Mary spoke of little Willie's
grave, and the tree, which overshadowed
it, of the green prairie and cottage by
the brook, once her western home, Sally
listened, and at last, one day, a week or
two after her arrival in Boston, she sud
denly clasped her hands closely over her
temples, exclaiming: "It's come! It's
come! I remember now the large gar
denthe cross old man the dead mother
the rosy-checked Ella I loved so well
"That was my mother my mother," in
terrupted Mary.
For a moment Sally regarded her In
tently, and then catching her in her arms,
cried over her, calling her "her precious
chilu," and wondering she had never no
ticed how much she was like Ella.
. "And don't you remember the baby
Jane?" asked Mrs. Campbell, who was
present.
"Perfectly perfectly," answered Sally.
"He died and yon came in a carriage, but
didn't cry nobody cried but Mary."
It was in vain that Mary tried to ex
plain to her that Mrs. Campbell was her
sister once the baby Jane. Sally was
not to be convinced. To her Jane and
the little Alice were the same. There was
none of her blood in Mrs. Campbell's
vcius, "or why," said she, "did she leave
us so long in obscurity nie and my niece,
Mrs. George Moreland, Esq.?"
This was the title which she always
gave Mary when speaking of her, while
to Ella, who occasionally spent a week
in her sister's pleasant home, she gave
the name of "little cipher," as expressing
exactly her opinion of her. Nothing ao
much excited Sally, or threw her into ao
violent a passion, as to have Ella call
her aunt.
"If I wasn't her kin when I wore a six
penny calico.' aald she, "I certainly am
not now that I dress in purple and fine
linen."
When Sally first went to Boston
George procured for her the best possi
ble medical advice, but her case was of
ao long standing that but little hope waa
entertained of her entire recovery. Still,
everything waa done for her that could
be done, aud after a time she became far
less boisterous than formerly, and some
times appeared perfectly rational for
days.
True to her promise, on Mary's twenty
first birthday, Mrs. Campbell made over
to her one-fourth of her property, and
Mary, remembering her intentions to
ward William Bender, Immediately offer
ed him one-half of it. But he declined
accepting It, saying that his profession
was sufficient to support both himself and
Jenny, for in a few weeks Jenny, whose
father had returned from California, waa
coming and already a neat little cottage,
a mile from the city, was being prepar
ed for her reception. Mary did not urge
the matter, but many an article of fur
niture more costly than William was able
to purchase found its way lnlo the cot
tage, which, with its overhanging vinei,
climbing roses and profusion of flowers,
seemed just the home for Jenny Lincoln.
Aud when the flowers were in full
bloom, when the birds sang amid the
trees, and the summer aky was bright
and blup, Jenny came to the cottage, a
joyous, loving bride, believing her own
husband the best In the world, and won
dering if there was ever any one as hap
py as herself. And Jenny was very
happy. Blithe as a bee, she flitted about
the house and garden, and if in the morn
ing a tear glistened in her laughing eyea
as William hade her adieu, it was quick
ly dried, and all day long she busied her
self in her household matters, studying
some agreeable surprise for her husband,
and trying for his sake to be very neat
and orderly.
There was no place which Ella loved
so well to visit, or where she seemed ao
happy, as at the "Cottage," and as she
was of but little use at borne, she fre
quently spent whole weeks with Jenny,
becoming gradually more cheerful more
like herself, but always Insisting that she
should never be married.
The spring following Mary'a removal
to Boston. Mrs. Mason came down to the
city to live with her adopted daughter,
greatly to the delight of Aunt Martha,
whose borne was lonelier than It waa
wont to be, for George was gone, and
Ida, too, had recently been married to
Mr. Ehvood and removed to Lexington,
Kt.
And now a glance at Chicopee, and our
story is done. Mr. Lincoln's California
adventure had been a successful one. and
not long after his return he received from
George Moreland a conveyance of the
farm, which, under Mr. Parker's effi
cient management, was in a high state of
cultivation. Among the Inmates of the
poorhouse but few changes have taken
place. Miss Grundy, who continue! at
the helm, has grown somewhat older and
crosser, while Uncle Peter labors indus
triously at a new fiddle, the gift of Mary,
who is still remembered with much af
fection. LydiA Knight, now a young lady of
sixteen, is a pupil at Mount Ilolyoke,
and Mrs. Perkins, after wondering and
wondering where the money came from,
has finally concluded that . "some of
George's folks must have sent it!"
(The end.)
SMART BOYS IN WALL. STREET,
Messenger Boya Who Devise Means
for Heating the Bucket Shops.
Wall street sharpens the wits of boys
and frequently tempts thorn to dishon
esty. In one ease, says the New York
Sun, a boy who carried orders from the
office partner of the firm to the board
member fell under suspicion The firm
found that a certain bucket shop seem
ed to know of Its orders even, before
they were placed. Individual orders
do not always affect the market, but
this particular firm tepreseuted Inter
ests that did frequently control the fine
and fall of certain stocks. The mes
senger was carefully watched, but at
first nothing out of the way could be
discovered about him. He went straight
to the exchange and hurried as though
his life depended on It. In his haste
he often collided with other lioys. Final
ly it was noticed that, whenever he had
an order of any Importance he invaria
bly bad a collision. He ran Into a boy,
whispered to him the order which he
had on a slip of paper, disentangled
himself from the mix-up, and sped
along to the exchange. The second boy
ran to a bucket shop In the neighbor
hood, turned In the tip, and his friends
there acted on the firm's order even
before It had reached the floor.
Another scheme which stirred up the
whole exchange was worked by four
boys. Three of them were messengers.
The fourth was an expert telegrapher.
None of the four was more thau 15
years old.
The young telegrapher was in the tel
egraph room of the stock exchange,
and, although he wasn't one of the ope
rators, he could read by ear everything
that came over the wire. When any
thing important turned up he gave In
formation at once to a boy outside. It
was never found out exactly how he
did It, but the boy outside the door had
a baseball whose cover was slit. He
tucked the slip of paper under the
leather and threw a hot ball to anothpr
boy half a block down the street. This
third boy drove the ball to a fourth
boy, at the door of a well-known bucket
shop.
This boy took out the slip, rend It,
and made bucket shop deals accord
ingly. The boys had only a few hun
dred dollars to start the game with, but
they always won; and. In times of great
excitement and fluctuation they made
big sums, for they had their informa
tion before news of the big movement
could reach the bucket shop through
the ordinary channels. The bucket
shop brought alwut the exposure.
A scheme very similar was worked
on the consolidated stock and petro
leum exchange by three boys, only In
this case the boys passed the tip along
by a sign language and the third boy,
posted at the door of the exchange, or
dered his broker to act upon the news.
The Worst.
"I went Into town yesterday," said
the Longuell man, who thinks he has
all the fashionable diseases except
housemaid's knee, "and I told my doc
tor that I Insisted upon knowing the
worst."
"Yes," said his friend, with a world
of sympathy in his voice, "and what
did he tell your
"He said his bill came to $79." Mon
treal Star.
MHd Form of Insanity.
"Cranker pays as he goes." "Has
plenty of money, eh?" St; merely
eccentric." Smart Set.
IT WAS GEN. CROOK'S JdKE.
He Paid the Bill and Therefore Mad a
a Right to La ugh.
"To most people the late General
George Crook, the Indian lighter, was
a solemn man, but he loved a practical
joke," said Colonel "Joe" Her to a
New York Tribune man. "Back In the
'70s, soon after he was made a Briga
dier General aud stationed at Omuhu,
General Crook organized a wildcat
bunting party among a lot of us, aud
one moonlight night we started across
the prairie from Omuha for the fort.
The plan waa to sleep at the fort aud
at daylight start for the wildcats. Af
ter we were all fust asleep General
Crook came downstairs without any
shoes on and took from our rifles the
ball cartridges, replacing them with
blanks. On the way to the woods the
General Indicated the order In which
he wished us to tire on the first wild
cat In case we should tree the boast.
We had hardly reached the woods be
fore General Crook rose In his saddle
and said:
" 'By thunder, boys, here's a cat right
in the crotch of that fir! Drop off your
wagon and bag him!'
"We were ou the ground In a twin
llng, and In less time thau It takes to
tell It we were blazing away at a mon
strous big wildcat which was hugging
the limb of the tree. The cat never
atlrred as the successive shots were
fired, and the hunters looked at one
another with open-mouthed astonish
ment. We looked around for General
Crook, and found him behind a stump
laughing away t beat tho band. At
once It flashed on us that we had been
hoaxed. The General bad just straight
ened up and was beginning to explain
the joke wiien the driver, a hired tiuiti
at the fort, pulled from under a blanket
In the wagon a double-barreled shot
gun, loaded with buckshot. The Gen
eral didn't see him fire, but he turned
around Just in time to see tufts of fur
and hair fly from the wildcat as It
dropped from the tree.
"Off went the General lulo another
fit of laughter. But this time the laugh
was on himself, for the hired iiinii hud
poured both charges of buckshot Into
a beautifully stuffed wildcat, complete
ly ruining It, and the General subse
quently paid the saloonkeeper from
whom he had borrowed It about $15.
All that Crook said was:
"'Boys, It was worth a hundred dol
lars apiece to see five good marksmen
miss a wildcat iu broad daylight at
thirty paces.' "
Calling the Doctor.
A good story Is told of Dr. X., who is
the physician In ehurge of the female
wards of one of our best known chari
table Institutions. One evening about
9 o'clock Mary, a new Irish servant
girl, knocked at the door, saying:
"Doctor, the head nurse wants you to
come down to supper."
The doctor, swelling In his prlilc of su
periority above the nurses, sent the
Irish girl away with a curt message.
Half an hour later the head nurse came
to his room looking very serious.
"Doctor," she said, "Number 8 Is
very bad Indeed. I think you ought to
see her at once."
"Why did you not let me know be
fore?" was the reply.
"Why, doctor," said the nurse, "I
sent you word by Mary half au hour
ago."
"The fool!" said tho doctor. "She
told me to come down to supper!"
"Why," said the nurse, "I sent you
word to come down to eight!"
An inquiry made the whole thing
clear. Mary thought It more polite to
say. "Come down to supper" than to
say, "Coiue down to ate."
Entertaining Soap-Ititbble Tricks.
"Any one can perform these soap
bubble tricks by the exercise of a little
care," writes Meredith Nugent, iu the
Ladles' Home Journal. "To make a
bubble rest upon a flower dip a dahlia
or other stlff-petaled flower Into the so
lution aud then with a pipe or funnel
blow a bubble upon the top of it.
"To make bubbles and noise, dip the
end of an ordinary tiu fish-horn well
Into the solution aud blow gently until
quite a large bubble has been formed.
Then four or five loud blasts may be
sounded ou the horn without Injuring
the bubble In the least.
"To make six bubbles Inside of one
another, dip the end of a straw in the
soapy water and after resting the wet
end upon an inverted plate or sheet of
glass, which should have been previous
ly wet with the solution, blow n bub
ble about six inches In diameter. Then
dip the straw well into the solution
again, thrust it through the center of
this first bubble and blow another. Con
tinue In this manner until the bubbles
have all been placed."
Money Refunded.
Some time ago the French courts
were puzzled by the case of a man who
lost a bank-note under remarkable cir
cumstances. Dining on the terrace of
a NarbouBe restaurant, be let the bank
note fall Into his soup. He laid the note
on the table to dry, and a gust of wind
carried it away. A passing dog swal
lowed it, and the gentleman detained
the animal, whose collar happened to
bear the master's name. The owner of
the note sued the owner of the dog for
a hundred francs, the value of the note.
There was much legal hair-splitting,
but at length the court arrived at a de
cision which surprised most people.
ordering the owner of the dog to re
fund the hundred francs.
The Unicorn.
Chinese annals of great antiquity
contain numerous detailed accounts of
the supposedly fabulous unicorn, in
which the descriptions are identical
with those handed down from the
earliest times In the mythology of occi
dental countries From this It is in
ferred that, at some time In the remote
past, there actually did ciist a single
horned equine or cervine animal of
some sort.
Interested.
Tess I've got a new way to tell a per
son' age.
Jess Is that so? Will you tell any
one'sage?
Tess Yes.
Jess Tell me yours, then. Philadel
phia rress.
With the average company the secre
tary does the work. auJ the other offi
cers get the credit
HUMOR OF THE WEEK
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Odd, Cnrloua and Laughable Phases
of Human Nature Graphically Por
trayed by Kmlneut Word Artlata of
Our Own lay-A Budget of Fun.
As usual he was monopolizing the
newspaper.
"Please let me have the woman's
page," she si) Id.
lie carefully tore off a page and band
ed It to her.
It was a full -page advertisement of a
millinery opening, and he chuckled at
bis own Juke. Chicago Evening post.
It Would 'spiii So.
Hulibertoii-May I Inquire what your
business Is, stranger?
Stranger (luiugblily)-Slr, I'm a gen
tleman. Uubberton Well, I reckon that's a
good business, stranger, but you're not
the only man that's failed at it.
"Why am I going to thrash you, Fer
dinand?" "I dunno. Ain't It bad enough to
have a whackin' without bavin' to an
swer conundrums as well?" Ally Slo
pcr. His I'refrrenee.
Oldham Are you going to the lecture
to-night on "The Girl of To-day?"
Younger-Guess not. The girl of to
night Is more attractive.
I'rn'eesional . Humorist.
Diggs Your friend, the doctor, Is a
funny fellow, Isn't he?
Biggs In what way Is he funny?
Dlggs Why, he's always taking
somebody off.
Heal Vs. Idea'.
Bural Visitor Doesn't It cost an aw
ful lot to live in the city?
Native No, It doesn't cost much to
live; trying to keep up appearances' Is
what paralyzes a man's bank account.
He Tfnught the II inn.
He (cautiously) Would you er ob
ject If I were to call you by your first
name?
She No, indeed. I don't like my sur
name, anyway.
lie If you could change ' It what
name would you choose?
She Yours.
Just Like a Man.
"You lived on a Texas ranch for a
number of years, I believe," said the
man.
"Yes," replied the woman.
"Like It?" queried the man.
"No; it was too lonesome; no neigh
bors to talk to," answered the woman.
"Y'ou mean there were no neighbors
to talk about," said the mnu.
It All repemin.
Young Mother After all, nothing is
so perfect as a baby.
Bachelor Brother That's right espe
clally as a nuisance.
Why Didn't He Pull the Teeth?
Canienter Well. bov. ' have vou
ground all the tools, as I told you,
uiie 1 ve been out?
Bov (newly annrentleedl Yes. mas
ter, all but this 'ere 'andsaw. An' I
can't quite get the gaps out of It.
Punch.
Hi Little Joke.
Finnigan Oi hear yez hov a girrul
baby at your house, McMauus. l'hwat
Is it yez are afther callin' th' infant?
McMauus Shure an' it do be Caro
line th' owld woman tells me, but OI
call her Carrie for short, Oi dunno.
Flnulgnn Carrie, Is It, McManus?
Faith, an' thot's a good name fer a fay
niale mlsslnger boy, Oi'm thlnkln'.
Just to Be Pleasant.
Nell Y'ou surely don't think Jenkins
wife pretty.
Belle Certainly not.
"But you told May Sowers she was
Just lovely."
"That was because May was ail old
flame of Jenkins'." Philadelphia Rec
ord. An Inquiry.
Suburbanite Pushington was one of
the most successful men we ever had
In our place.
City Friend Yea? Succeeded In sell
ing out, did he? Puck.
A Bharp-Tongned Woman.
Mrs. Wicks When my husband says
anything I have to take It with a grain
of salt.
Mr. Hicks When my wife says any
thing I have to take it with a good
many grains of pepper. Somerville
Journal.
No Harm Would Result.
"Do you mean to say a man might
smoke cigarettes constantly for a week
without any particular barm result
ing?" "Certainly."
"Why, It would kill him."
"Of course, but it wouldn't seriously
affect any one else." Philadelphia
Press.
A I'rotest.
'.ifr-rSHTTm A- H-sjr
Real Brlflib.
Mrs. Selldom Holme-Do you knovr
anything u bo lit that family that is mov
ing Into the flat In the next block.
Mrs. Nexdore-No, but I think they
are rather Beltlsh, dlsugreeable people.
They took all their household furniture
there In these big, covered vans, so no
body could tell what It looked like.
Chicago Tribune.
These Hum hints of Husbands.
"Did your husband go with you to
your picnic, Mrs. Jones?"
"No; his employer Is so mean he
wouldn't let poor Henry off, but Henry
gave him a good tnlklng to about it,
and I guess he got ashamed of himself,
for he said Henry could have a two
days' fishing trip." Chicago Becord
Hernld. Not L'u to the Mark.
Magazine Editor Haven't you got a
poem to go on this page?
Assistant Here's one that I don't
quite get the meaning of, but I suppose
many of our renders will understand It.
Magazine Editor That won't do. I
want something that will puzzle every
body. Judge.
Willie Would Have Hi Way.
Little Freddie-Mamma, doesn't I'n
cle Bob like plum pudding?
Mamma Yes, but the doctor won't
let him eat it.
Little Freddie-Well, if was as big
as him there wouldn't be any doctor
big enough to stop we. Boston Her
ald. Answered,
"But bow do you pass your time?"
asked the lady from the city of tho re
tired business man who had settled on
a farm.
"Well," said the retired businee man,
"I spend a good deal of It In explaining
to Inquirers how I get along out here,"
Somerville Journal.
An Kxhlbltloti Stunt.
Mamma The whipping you got yes
terday doesn't seem to have Improved
you. Your conduct has been even worse
to-day.
Wlllle-That's what I wanted to
prove. Y'ou said I was bod ns I possi
bly could be yesterday, an' I knew you
was wrong. Philadelphia Record.
Of nt e Reminder.
Borem (consulting his watch) Isn't
your clock a little slow, Miss Cutting?
Miss Cutting (suppressing a yawn)
No, I think not; but there are time
when It does seem so.
Beat She Could Do.
Guest Waitress, there's a blonde
hair In my soup.
Blonde Waitress Shall 1 dye my hair
black to please you? Meggeudorfer
Blaetler.
Then She Krouirlit the Pie.
Mrs. Stroiigmind Why don't you go
to work?
Tramp Please, mum, I made a sol
emn vow, twenty years ago, that I'd
never do another stroke of work till
women was paid th' same wages as
men. New York Weekly.
Tried Moral Funslon.
Hoosler Schoolmaster Don't do any
whipping here, eh?
Eastern Pedagogue No; we use
moral suasion.
Hoosler Schoolmaster Moral suasion,
eh? 1 tried that in Indiana, but It
made a heap of trouble. The girls didn't
object to the kissing, but the old folks
cut up like all possessed. New Y'ork
Weekly.
Chaslnif the Foxy.
She Is your friend going to marry
the widow?
He I think not. He told me be had
a better offer. The Smart Set.
Those Loving tiirla.
Maude Do you think my new hat Is
becoming dear?
Clara Yes, Indeed. Why, it actually
makes you look ten years younger.
A Cheaper Way.
Doctor To take the rest cure will
cost you $100 a week.
Henpeck Why, doctor, I can send my
wife away to the country for half that.
Judge.
Very Queer.
"It's mighty queer that Frank Tickle
ton should turn out to be a defaulter,"
remarked Tenspot.
"That's what it is," added Bunting.
"Nobody ever heard him alluded to as
ITonest Frank Tlckleton." Puck.
Uer Dear Friend's Knock.
Nell Does Miss Antique come of an
old family?
Belle Both her parents are over 90,
and still living. Philadelphia Record.
United States' Ingratitude.
Robert Morris rendered inestimable
service to his adopted country by put
ting his private fortune Into the breach
in those early days when the Infant
nation was in the closest of financial
straits, says a writer In the July Llp
plncott. The $1,500,000 which made It possible
for Washington to carry on the cam
paign against Lord Cornwallls was
raised entirely upon his own personal
security. For the most trying eight
years of our history this noble man
stood at the monetary helm of our gov
ernment and guided It through many
perils. Years after, in his old age, un
fortunate land speculation ruined him.
His creditors demanded Immediate
payment. His country could have
saved Morris by paying back a tithe
of what he had freely given to It in its
time of need. This was not done.
To our lasting disgrace he was
thrown into a debtor's prison aud died
there,' an old man of 72.
Some music Is given out by the choir,
but the drummer dispenses it by Wt
pound.
GEO. P. CROVVELL,
(Successor to K. I.. smith,
Oldest Established House in I lie valley.
DEALER IN
Dry Goods, Groceries,
Boots and Shoes,
Hardware,
Flour and Feed, etc.
This old-established bouse wi'l con
tinue to pay cash lor sM its goodi; it
pays no rent; it employs a clerk, but
does not have to divide with a partner.
All dividends are made witl. customers
in the way of reasonable prices.
Davenport Bros,
Are running their two mill, planer and box
factory, and can till orders for
LUMBER
Boxes, Wood and Posts
ON SHORT .NOTICE.
DAVIDSON FRUIT CO.
HOOD RIVER'S FUNDS FRUITS.
!( KI KH OK T1IK
Hood River Brand of Canned Fruits.
MAMKAITt'KKKS OK
Boxes and Fruit Packages
llkAi.KKS IN
Fertilizers & Agricultural Implements.
THE REGULATOR LINE.
Dalles, Portland & Astoria
Navigation Co.
DALLES BOAT
Leaves Oak Street Dock, Portland,
7 A. M. and II l M.
PORTLAND BOAT
Leaves Dalles 7 A. M. and 3 P.
Daily Except Sunday.
Al.
STEAMERS
Regulator, Dalles City, Rclirnre.
WHITE COLLAR LINE.
Str. "Tahoma,"
Iiaily Kouiul Trip-, except Sunday.
TIME CAKIi.
Leuve Portland... a.m. I Leave Astoria "a.m.
The Dalles-Portland Route
Str. "Bailey Gatzcrt,"
Dally Mound Trip, except .Monday.
VANCOUVER, CASCADE Loi Ks, M. MAR
TIN'S Sl'KINCK, lloon It Vl' li, II I I K
SALMON, LYI.K and 'I II K D.W.I.Ks.
TIMK CAKII.
Leave Portland...? a-ni. I.enveTlicDiilli s 1 p.m.
Arrive TheDii lies S p.m. Arrivei'orlland III p.m.
Meaa the Very Beat.
Til in route has the s rainiest scenic attraction
on earth. Sunday trips a leading- icat lire.
LandiiiR and oriice, loot ni Aider sheet. Until
'phones, Main 3A1, Portland, dr.
E. W. CRICIITON, AKCnt, Portland.
JOHN M. l'TI.LOON, Airent. The Italics.
A. J. TAYLOR, AKent, Astoria.
1.THEL MctiL'HX, Agent, Vancouver.
PRATHER & BARNES,
Admits at Hood Itiver
Oregon
StiorjT Line
and Union Pacific
Halt I.ak. Denver,
Chicago Ft. Worth, Omaha, Portland
Special Kaunas (Utv, St. Special
11:26a. m. Louis.ChkuijOiind ; 2:0iu m.
tast.
Walla Walla Lewis-!
Spokane ton.Spokane.Min.; Portland
Flyer neapolis, t. panl.j Fiyer
1:27 p.m. Diiluth, Mllau- 4:3Us,ui.
kee.C'hicaKoA: Ka.it j
Salt Lake, Pcurpr,
Mail and Kt. Worth. Omaha, Mall and
Express Kansas City, St. Express
11:42p.m. ).oui,Cnicatsoaiid 5.42a.m.
East.
OCEAN AND RIVER SCHEDULE
ritOJt POKTLANI).
(AO p.m. All tallinn dates' 4:00 p. m.
subject to change
For San Francisco
bail every 6 days.
Dally Columbia River 4 00p m
F.x. Sunday Stoamtn. Ex. Huiidsr
8:00 n. m. '
Saturday To Astoria and Way
10:00 p. in. Landing.
6:4,ri a.m. Wlllsmett Hlvr. 4 a0n m
Ex. Sunday Oregon City. New- Ex. Sunday
ber. Salem, Inde-i
iiendence k Wsyl
landings.
5:00 a.m.
Tuei., Thur.
and Saw
Willamette and Yam-
3:30 p.m.
Won.. Wed.
aud Fri.
mil Rivers.
Oregon City, Day.
ion, a ay i,auj.
ings.
:45 a. m.
Tues., Thur
and Sat.
Willamette River.
Portland to Corral,
lis & Way Land
tns. 30 p. m.
Mon., Wed.
and Fri.
Lr. Rlparia
6 :3.S s. m.
dslly
aVAKt River.
Riparis to Lewiaton i
Lr.Lewlston
&a m.
daily
for low rates and other information write to
A. L. CRAIG,
General Passenger Agent. Portland, Or
. IAOLIT, Hood Klrsr.