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About The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933 | View Entire Issue (June 14, 1901)
bflORHOUSEIfALACE CHAPTER X. ! It was beginning to be daylight In the city of Buxton, and aa tbe gray east fc-raduully brightened and grew red In the coming day, a young man looked out upon tbo busy world arouud him with that feeling of utter loueliness which one so often feela in a great city where all la new and atrange to him. Scarcely four weeks bad passed aluoe the notes of a tolling bell had fallen aadly upon Lis ear, and he had looked into a grave where they laid his mother to her lust dream less rest. A prevailing fever bad effect ed what the fancied ailments of yeara had failed to do, and liilly Bender was now an orphan and alone In tbe wide worlds He knew that he had his own fortune to make, and after settling his mother's affairs and finding there was nothing left for him, he had come to the city, and on this morning went forth alono to look for employment, with no other recommendutlon than the frank, honest expression of his handsome face. "It was foolish In me to attempt It," thought be, as be stopped In front of a large wholesale establishment. His eye caught the sign on which was lettered "H. J. Seidell & Co." Tbe name sound ed fumiliur, and something whispered to him to enter. lie did so, and meeting in tbe doorway a tall, elegnnt looking young man, he asked tor Mr. Selden. "My uucle," returned the gentleman, who was none other than George More land, "has not yet come down, but per haps I can answer your purpose just as well. Do you wish to purchase goods?" Billy, thinking that everyone must know his poverty, fancied there was something satirical in tbe question, but be was mistaken; the manner was cat ural to the speaker, who, as Billy made no direct reply, again asked: "What would you like, sir?" "Something to do; for I have neither money nor home," was Billy's prompt an swer. "Will you give me your name?" asked George. Billy complied, and when he spoke of his native town CJcorge repeated it after him, saying: "I have some acquaintances who spend tbe summer in Cbicopee; but you probably have never known them. Immediately Billy thought of the Lin coins, -and now knew why the name of Selden seemed so familiar. He had heard Jenny speak of Ida, and felt certain that It. J. Selden was her father. For a moment George regarded him in tently, and then said: "We seldom em ploy strangers without a recommendtt' tiou; still, I do not believe you need any. My uncle is wanting a young man, but the work may hardly suit you, he added, naming tbe duties he would be expected to perforin, which certainly were rather menial. Still, as the wages were liberal, Billy for want of a better, accepted the situation, and was immediately introduc ed to his business. For some time he only saw George at a distance, but was told by one of tbe clerks that be was Just graduated at Yale, and was now a junior partner In his uncle's establish ment. "We all like him very much," said the clerk, "be Is so pleasant and kind, though a little proud, I guess." This was all that Billy knew of him un til he had been in Mr. Selden's employ ment uearly three weeks; then, as he was one day poring over a volume of Horace which he had brought with him, George, who chanced to pass by, looked over his shoulder, exclniming, "Why, Bender, can jou read Latin? Keully, this is a nov elty. Are you fond of books?" "Yes. very," said Billy, "though I have but a few of my own." "Fortunately, then, I cnn accommodate you," returned George, "for I have a tol erably good library, to which you can at any time have access. Suppose you come round to my uncle's to-night. Never mind about thanking me," he added, as he saw Billy about to speak; "I hate to be thanked, so to-night, at eight o'clock, I shall expect you." Accordingly, that evening Billy started for Mr. Seidell's. George, who wished to save him from any embarrassment, an swered his ring himself, and immediately conducted him to his room, where for an hour or so they discussed their favorite books and authors. At last, George, as tonished at Billy's general knowledge of men and things, exclaimed, "V hy, Ben der, I do believe you are almost as good a scholar as I, who have been through college. Fray, how does it happen?" In a few words Billy explained that he had been In the habit of working sum mers and going to school at Wilbraham winters; and then, as it was nearly ten, he hastily gathered up the books which George had kindly loaned him and took his leave. As he was descending the broad stairway he met a young girl fash ionably dressed, who stared at him In some surprise. In the upper hall she en countered George, and asked him who the stranger was, "His name is Bender and he came from Chicopee," answered George. "Bender from Chicopee!" repeated Ida "Why, I wonder if it isn't the Billy Ben der about whom Jenny Lincoln has gone almost mad. "I think not," returned her cousin, "for Mrs. Lincoln would hardly suffer her daughter to mention a poor boy's name, much less to go mad about him." "But," answered Ida, "he worked on Mr. Lincoln's farm when Jenny was little girl; and now that she is older she talks of him nearly all tbe tune, and Rose says it would not surprise her if she should some day run off with him." "Possibly it is the same," returned George. "Anyway, he Is very fine look ing, and a fine fellow, too, besides being an excellent scholar. The next day, when Billy chanced to be alone, George approached him, and after making some casual remarks about the books he had borrowed, etc., he said, "Did you ever see Jenny Lincoln in Chic opee?" "Oh, yes," answered Billy, brightening up, for Jenny had always been, and stiil was, a great favorite with him; "Oh, yes, I know Jenny very well. I worked for her father some years ago, and be came greatly interested in her." "Indeed? Then you must know Hen ry Lincoln? . "Yes, I know him," said Billy; while George continued: "And think but little of him, of course?" On this subject Billy was non-commit- tal. He had no cause for liking Henry, but would not say so to a comparative stranger. George was about moving away when, observing a little, old-fashioned book lying upon one of tbe boxes, be took it np and, turning to the fly-leaf, read tbe name of "Frank Howard." "Frank Howard! Frank Howard !" he repeated; "where have I heard that name? Who Is be. Bender?" He was a little English boy I once loved very much; but he is dead now, an swered Billy; aud George, with a sud denly awakeued curiosity, said: Tell me about him aud his ramiiy, will you?" Without dreaming that George had ever seen tuem, Uilly loici me iu"j ' Frank's sickness and deutli-of the noble conduct of his little sister, who, when there was no other alternative, went cheerfully to tbe poorhouse, winning by her gentle ways tbe love of those unused to love, and taming the wild mood of a maniac until she was harmless as a child. As he proceeded with his story George became each moment more and more in terested, and wheu at last there was a pause, he asked, "And is Mary m me poorhouse now?" "I have not mentioned her name, and pray bow came you to know it?" said Billy In some surprise. In a few words George related the par ticulars of bis acquaintance with the Howards and then again asked where both Mary and Ella were. Billy replied that for a few years back Mary bad lived with a Mrs. Mason, while Ella, at the time of her mother's death, had been adopted by Mrs. Camp bell. "But," said he, "I never think of Ella In connection with Mary, they are so unlike; Ella is proud and vain and silly, and treats her sister with the utmost rudeness, though Mary is far more agree able and Intelligent, and as I think the best looking." "She must have changed very much," answered George, "for if I remember rightly she was not remarkable for per sonal beauty." He was going to say more, when some one slapped him rudely on the shoulder, calling out, "How are you, old feller, and what is there in Boston to interest such a scapegrace as I am?" , Looking up, Billy saw before him Hen ry Lincoln, exquisitely dressed, but bear ing in his appearance evident marks of dissipation. "Why, Henry," exclaimed George, "how came you here? I supposed you were drawing lampblack caricatures of some one of the tutors in old Yale. What's the matter? What have you been doing?" "Why, you sec," answered Henry, drawing bis cigar from bis month, one of the sophs got his arm broken In a row, and as I am so tender-hearted, and couldn't bear to hear him groan, the fac ulty kindly advised me to leave, and sent on before me a recommendation to the old man. But I fixed 'em. I told 'em he was in Boston, whereas he's in Chicopee, so I Just took the letter from the otliee myself. It reads beautifully. Do you understand?" AH this time Henry had apparently taken no notice of Billy, whom George now introduced, saying he believed they were old acquaintances. ith the cool est effrontery Henry took from his pocket quizzing glass, and, applying it to his eye, said, 1 ve absolutely studied until I'm near-sighted. How long have the old folks been in Chicopee?" 'Several weeks, I think, answered George; and then, either because he want ed to hear what Henry would say, or because of a reawakened interest in Mary Howard, he continued, "By the way Henry, when you came so unceremoni ously upon us, we were speaking of t young girl in Chicopee whom you have perhaps ferreted out ere this, as Ben der says she is fine looking." Henry stroked his whiskers, which had receixed fur more cultivation than bis brains, stuck his bat on one side and answered, "Why, yes, I suppose that in my way I was something of a b'hoy with the fair sex, but really I do not now think of more than one handsome girl in Chicopee, and that is Ella Campbell but she is young yet, not as old as Jenny altogether too small fry for Henry Lin coln, Esq. But who is the girl?" Billy frowned, for he held Mary's name as too sacred to be breathed by a young man of Henry Lincoln's character, while George replied: "Her name is Mary Howard." "What, the pauper'" asked Henry, looking significantly at Billy, who replied "The same, sir." "Whew-w!" whistled Henry, prolong ing the diphthong to an unusual length "Why, she's got two teeth at least a foot long, and her face looks as though she had just been in the vinegar barrel aud didn't like the taste of it." "But, without joking, though, how does she look?" asked George; whi Billy made a movement as if he would help the insolent puppy to find bis level, "Well, now, old boy," returned Henry, "I'll tell you honestly that tbe last time I saw her I was surprised to find bow much she was improved. She has swal lowed those abominable teeth, or done something with them, aud is really quite decent looking." So saying he took his leave. Just then there was a call for Mr. Morcland, who also departed, leaving Billy alone. "It is very strange that she never told me she knew him," thought he; and then tak ing from his pocket a neatly folded letter, he again read it through. But there was nothing in it about George, except the simple words, "I am glad you have found a friend in Mr. Morelaud. I am sure I should like him, just because he is kind to you." "Yes, she's forgotten him," said Billy, and that belief gave him secret satisfac tion. He had knowu Mary long, and the interest he had felt in her when a homely, neglected child, had not in the least decreased as the lapse of time grad ually ripened her into a fine, intelligent looking girl. He was to her a brother still, but she to him was dearer fur than a sister; and though in his letters he al ways addressed her as such, in his heart he claimed ber as something nearer, and yet he had never breathed iu her ear a word of love or hinted that it was for her sake he toiled both early and late, hoard ing up his earnings with almost a miser's care that she might be educated. Regularly each week she wrote to him, and it was the receipt of these letters and the thoughts of her that kept his heart so brave and cheerful, as, aloue and unappreciated, except by George, he worked on, dreaming of a bright future when the one great object of bis life should be realized. (To be continued.) A Compliment. The Old Man Your love tor my daughter seems to have grown very fast since you found out I was worth so much money. The Young Man (admiringly) No faster, than the subject warranted. POWERFUL UNITED STATES BATTLESHIP OHIO. The battleship Ohio, recently launched at San Francisco, Is tbe newest "pride of the American navy." She Is forty feet longer than the Oregon and 2,000 tons greater in displacement. She is twenty feet longer than the Iowa and 1,000 tons greater in displacement than that ship. Her largest ritlo will be twelve inches. Her secondary battery will contain sixteen tl-iiu. ritles. Tlie Ohio's dimensions are; Length on tbe water line, 3S8 feet; width, 72 feet 0 Inches; mean draught, 211 feet (1 inches; maximum draught, 25 feet 3 inches; displacement, 12,000 tons; speed, 18 knots; maximum horse power, liC(MK); total coal supply, 2,000 tons. She will carry one flag otilcer, one commanding officer, sixteen wardroom offi cers, twelve junior ollleers and five wurr i tit officers. Iu many respects the Ohio will be the greatest of all marine fighting machines. The works of tbe ship will b j of the most approved kind. Her engine room will resemble a great workshop, fitted with the finest tools that can be m ide. The ship herself, with her windings and alleyways, her broad decks and hundreds of apartments, will be like a s nail city behind walls of steel. She will have her telephone system, her lighting plant aud her water works. In this st.'el girt eily will be nearly 1,000 incandescent lamps and telephone communica tions between all parts. The filling of one water-tight compartment at any time need be no cause for alarm. Tha touch of a button in the central station will close every water-tight door in less time than would taka to give the order. Her complement will bp about .100 men. SIXTY THOUSAND A YEAR. Cbicugo System Ha Largest 8ulariel Te tplione i ilu-hil in th? Country. John I. Sabin, president of the l'a- citlc States Teleifi'apli and 1 eiepnone Company, has entered upon bis dutle.H Iu a larger Held of activity ns tbo man ager of the Chicago ayatem of tele plumes. There have been promotions all along the l'acllic coast line to 1111 tbe places made vacant by tbe transfer of experts from San Frnuelaeo nntl Spokane to Chicago. Mr. Sabln re ceives a salary of J.'i.",0iM) per annum from the Chicago company, lie also retains tbe presidency of the Pacific States company, receiving from the lat ter corporation $25,000 jut annum. Ill compensation Is, therefore, $tK),000 a year. John I. Sabln was born in New lork Oct. 3, 1817. When 15 years of age be left tbe public school of Brooklyn to enter the messenger service of the In- 8ABIX. dependent Telegraph Company of New York. After an apprenticeship of five months he was sent to New Brunswick, N. J., to open an office as operator on the new line then building between New York nnd Philadelphia. He re mained but three months in this posi tion, being transferred to White Plnlns and from there to New York, where he became night operator on the Western press lines of the United States Tele graph Company. In 18(14 Sabln entered the army aa military telegraph operator, nnd was stationed with the headquarters of the Fifth Army Corps at Fort Petersburg, Va. He served through the war, and when the r'.ruggle ended be settled at Raleigh, N. C. The young operator was restless, and saw In the West the opportunity for advancement which tbe East seemed to deny him. He Joined the Collins over land telegraph expedition, formed for the purpose of building a line overland from San Francisco to the month of the Amoor river In Siberia. He was stationed at Plover Bay In Siberia for over a year. In the fall of 1807 Mr, V.- k W fas jonN L. LORD HUGH, THB HOPE OF THE CECILS. UMW, .' K t.','JIWI)Jll-.,' '"-"I'MH",1 1'-"I.".1",1.-. vi' . , 3 i ii 'fi. "J iHJ -f--TTp"t iTT"""rr"i)iYii in in win innanwni nil -, -' t ill . AW ' ' XV ll - i i , t . w 1 : ' i v. Lord Hugh Cecil, who at a recent Irish demoostration in the House of Com mons, advocated the imprisonment of rebellious members of Parliament, is the "rising hope" of Lord Salisbury's "festive circle," as Lord Rosebery recently called the Prime Minister's family. Lord Salisbury's eldest son is not looked upon as a likely successor to the political position of his father, and it is Lord Hugh, the youngest, who is viewed as the coming man of tbe Cecils. He Is the only unmarried son, and has lived all his life with his father, whose disciple he is. He is the only Cecil who raises any enthusiasm, or who wants to be enthu siastic. To him, as to his father, polities is an essential part of religion, an-1 he speaks to the House of Commons as if he were preaching from his brother's pulpit at Ilattiwil. He is earnest enough to revolt from party ties when they interfere with freedom of thought and conviction, and intense enough to propose revolution in parliamentary procedure wbiih no other member of the House dara support. He is 31 years old. I I I -.1 Ki T. "par r Ai r -t 1 T 5p ... Sabln returned to San Francisco, and for several years was an operator In tbe employ of the Western Union, be ing stationed at Salt Lake. Helena ana" other places. Since then be has grad ually risen to bis present poaltlon. It has been bis principle to make the telephone popular and profitable by making It so cheap as to be within the reach of all. lie has achieve ! this result by establishing various classes of service, ranging Iu price from $1.50 to $5 monthly. As a result of this pol icy there are about five times as many telephones on the sparsely settled Pa cific coast as there are In the densely populated middle West. Ilia Kxplanation. The explanations gome authors are compelled to make to readers of literal or Immature mind when they are obliging enough to make them at ail are often as good literature as the passage which called them forth. Eliza beth Cady Stanton snys, In ber "Eighty Years or More," that she once wrote Dr. Holmes, at the request of a young nephew of hers, to ask an Important question. Did the doctor really have a servant who almost laughed himself to death, as described In "The Height of the Kldlculous?" Dr. Holmes replied: I wish you would explain to your little nephew thnt the story of the poor fellow who almost died laughing was a kind of dream of mine, and not a real thing thnt happened, any more than that an old woman lived In n shoe, and had so many children she didn't know what to do. or thnt Jack climbed the beanstalk and found the giant who lived at the top of It. You can explain to him. what la meant by Imagination, and thus turn my youthful rhymes Into a text for a discourse worthy of tbe Concord School of Philosophy. I have not my poems by me, but I remember that "The Height of the Ridiculous" ended with this verse: Ten days and nights, with sleepless eyea I watched that wretched man, And since, I never dar to write As funny as I can. But tell your nephew he mustn't cry about It, any more than because geese go barefoot, and bald eagles have no nightcaps. Washing a Wild Tiger. A story copied from "La France du Nord" illustrates the lengths to which perfect fearlessness may carry a man. The famous lion-tamer Tezon hired at Moscow a poor Cossack, who was as ignorant of the French language as of fear, to clean the cages of his wild beasts. Instructions were given to the man by means of gestures and dumb show, and appareutly he thoroughly under stood what he was expected to do. The next morning he began his new duties by entering with bucket, sponge nnd broom, not tbe cage of a tame V ' ,S , -A H El!,,' lid ' i Hill 4Mm "1 "' 'f1- '"', "'I " i" 'M'P I.. f I f if limit'.. s y 1 i . sr'.? . rm , til. . - Tr"''Jl-J f r3ir((i.-"'- beast, but that of a splendid untamed tiger, which lay asleep upon the floor. Tbe fierce animal awoke and fixed hla eyes upon the man, who calmly pro ceeded to wet his large sponge, and, uuterrlfled, to approach tbe tiger. At this moment Pezon saw what was going on, and was struck with horror, Any sound or motion on bis part would Increase the danger of the situation by rousing the beast to fury; so he quietly waited till the need should arise to rush to the man's assistance. The moujlk, sponge In hand, ap proached the animal, and perfectly fearless, proceeded to rub him down, as If he had been a horse or a dog; while the tiger, apparently delighted by the application of cold water, rolled over on Its back, stretched out Its paws, purred, and offered every part of It! body to the moujlk, who washed him as complacently as a mother bathei her Infant. Then he left the cage, and would havs repeated the hazardous experiment upon another savage from the desert bad not Pezon with difficulty drawn him off. Habits of the Cat. All the cat's habits show It to be by nature a solitary animal, Even In early life, when family ties bring out the instinct of association, this Is apparent. If you compare the play of puppies with that of kittens you will And that In one case companionship of some kind Is essential, for If a puppy has no playmate of his own species he will try to make use of the nearest biped whereas a cork or a bit of string, la all that la necessary to satisfy the require ments of the kitten. The way In which tbe cat takes Its food Is a sign that In Its natural state It Is not In the habit of associating with greedy companions, Wheu given something to eat it first carefully smells the morsel, then takea It in a deliberate and gingerly way and sits down to finish It at leisure. There la none of thnt Inclination to snatch hastily at any food held before It which we observe In well-trained dogs, nor does a cat seem In any hurry to stow Its goods In the one place where thiev ing rivals cannot Interfere with them, Indeed, no greater coutrast In natural table manners can be observed any where than when we turn from the kennel or the pigsty and watch the dainty way In which a cat takes Its meals. That a cat allows people to ap proach It while It Is feeding without showing jealousy proves that It does not attribute to human beings like tastes with Its own. Wild Traits in Tame Animals. Free Mustard. James Russell Lowell said, "All dea eons are good, but there are odds In deacons," and It may be added that there are odds In other varieties of men. Squire Blank, according to Harper's Bazar, was not only the richest man In his village, but the stingiest as well, Nothing gave him such keen delight as to get something for nothing. One day he aud several of his neigh bors bad been In conference with manufacturer who contemplated estab lishing a mill In the town. The confer ence was held In the one store of the village, and at its close the manufactur er stepped up to a showcase containing cigars, and said: "Have a cigar, gentlemen." All the men selected a cigar except Squire Blank. He didn't smoke. There fore he said: "Thank you, air, but I don't smoke but as the cigars are a dime apiece, I'll take a dime's worth o' mustard If you say so. Of course the astonished gentleman "said so," and the squire went home Jubilant over "a hull half-pound o' mus tard that never cost me a red cent." The Plgeona of St, Mark. Venice has asserted the right of ownership over the famous pigeons of Saint Mark. Some enterprising street boys who had made a business of kill Ing the birds, when brought up In court, pleaded that the pigeons had no legal owners, and they were fed by the public on the Piazza San Marco. The city authorities maintained thnt the pigeons were the ward of the old re public, and therefore f the present municipality, a view that was adoyted by the court The Hootch Language. An effort Is being made to establish in one of the Scotch universities a cbal for the study of the Scotch language and literature. Tprooted Trees Still Lire. The "life tree" of Jamaica grows and thrives for months after being uprooted and exposed to the sun. It Is au utter impossibility for a short man to fall In love with a tall woman He simply hoi to climb for It 4 Mau proposes and the girl sends blin around to papa to see If he opposes. jet us all laugh. JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA- RIOUS HUMORISTS. Desna nt Incidents Occurring tbe World Over-Hay Inge that Are ttteer ful to Old or Young-Funny Balec tlona that You Will Knjojr. "Mainly," hiiUI Farmer CornloHsel, as ho dropped a vnllso full of wiwdtiat on tbe kitchen floor ami placed h jrold brick on tbo nhelf. "I have Jos' made a llseovery. Tain' very Important, but It'a Interest Iu'." "You don't any!" "Yea. Ye know It'a been anil 'you In fool some of the public all the time.' " "Yes." "Well, I'm that part o' the public." Washington Star. Knar I ff irt. "I bear that you've been hunting." "Yes." "Rug anything?" "Nothing but my trousers." Man an I Millinery. "How do you like my new bat, Harry?" "Well, It Isn't quite as crazy-looking as that Inst one you bought." Editor-Did you write this joke your self? Joe Kryfer Yes, sir. Editor I'hew! Then you must be about 400 years of age, but I swear you don't look It. Better than a Tip. (Juest (in restaurant) You may bring me some roast beef." Walter How will you have it, sir? Guest Well done, thou good and faithful servant. I lantibte Theory. Biggs They say the worst tyrant possible Is the liberated slave. Dlggs I suppose that Is why the ex typewriter loves to dictate to ber hus band. May Millinery. Harold, how do you like my new foliage bat? Harriet, you must hear the truth; you look like a plant-stand." Expert Arraignment. "May me, here's a college professor who says he has never kissed a girl." "Oh, well; lots of profoundly scien tific men haven't really good common sense." And Also Lawyers. Bobble Pa, what happens when cars are telescoped ? Father Tbe passengers see stars, my son. Smart Sot. Do meat c Opinion-, Husband I think only sensible worn en ought to marry. Wife Well, you'd be a bachelor If that were the rule. A raycblc Affiir. 'I don't see how you can be so des perately In love with a girl whom you have known such a short time." 'Of course you don't. But I've been loving that girl all my life before I met her." Mnil Tmnnrtnnt Thin?. rrofessor Can you tell me anything of national importance about the Ha waiian group of Islands?" Bright Boy Yes, sir. The Pacific Ocean. A Vernal Live Wire. The man In winter flannels oft must croon a dismal tune, When sweet May weather slips a cog and gets as hot as June. Gain. First Financier I cave mv boy $10 000 to operate with In the street the Other day, and he made ?,000. Second Financier Clear? "Yes. That's whnt he had left." Onlv llnlf ft. 8'icceHM. Your club meeting was a feast of re ason. "Yes." altogether: that committee didn't give a bite of anything to eat. Cnafs and 1 ffect. Mrs. Nextdoor Yes, my daughter Is very persevering In her plauo-playlng. Do vou notice that slie s improving? Mrs. Sliarpe No, aud I notice that my husband's temper .isn't. Catholic Standard. A Distinction. Mr. Dukane What makes Mr. Northside so proud? Mr. Gaswell Oh, he Is one of the few people that don't claim to have made a barrel of money by tbe recent rise In stocks. Pittsburg Cbronlcle. Hia Idea. "I should think," said Mr. Homewood, "that self-respect would deter the street car companies from running summer cars In cold weather." "How's that?" asked Mr. Beach wood, "Well, dead citizens pay no fares." o . 0 A Bonanza. "Here's a distinguished scientist who says that after all there is nothing In grms." "Nothing In germs? Nonsense! Why look how much the doctors have made out ft them." A Neighborly I'lntnrbjnce. First Neighbor Well, my daughter doesn't play the piano any worse than your son writes poetry. Second Ditto Perhaps not, but It can bo heard so much farther. ' till "J a i:: Incompatible, Tie Can't you hive me and be tnj friend at the same time? She-Hardlv. There la honor amoni friends, but I can do aa I please when i , love you. U g it Up la Line. "Same old presentation of 'Unci Turn's Cabin,' I suppose?" Not much: we've worked m an au tomobile collision and plantation rnin mage sale." Cond liaraainere. Bnss-I got aomo eggs of Mrs. Fowler for 15 cents a doen. I praised ber aby, you know. Fogg-That's nothing I Itougut noma of Fowler for 12 cents. I apoke In ad miration of his dog. What To Eat. Not That Kind. Observer-You dou't sweat much at your work? Laborer 1 guess not; a dollar a day ain't sweatln' wages. Applied Science. "This article savs a wan shows char acter by the way he carries his um brella. "Yes. and he shows character by the way be carries off other people's um brellas, too." April Admiration. "Say, that girl In a pink bat is as pretty as a peach." "Oh, prettier than that; she's as pret ty as a peach tree In full bloom." Flrtt Thing Viaitora Notice. Olurk I knew Miss Kenosha waa stranger to Chicago lefore you told me. Dearborn Ho? How? Clark-She noticed that all the men In the car had soiled collars urn-Chi cago Tribune, Tha Keaann. Ho (ncnlteutly) You protested . much, dear, that I had to kiss you. She But 1 don't see why. "Because I love you too much ever to disappoint you." No Romance Left. Pern lope Why, how could you break off your engagement with hlin? Perdlta We were seasick together. Tact. Cobble There goes Glover, one of my best friends. Never knew him to say one word against me. Stone-Yes. He's a fellow of rare restraint. Ilia Failure to remit. Lendaman See here! How about that $40 you owe me? You promised to get It and send It to me at Atlantic City by last Friday. Spendaniau-Well, I'll tell you. 1 did start to raise It, but then I remember that even if I did scrape It together I couldn't send it because I dldu't have a stamp.-Catbollc Standard and Times. The Peril of the Hoar, Jenkins Great Scott! there conies Jones. Let's turn down this corner. Jorkyns Why, do you owe him so much as that? Jenkins No, but he's Just bought a house In Brooklyn, and I'm afraid he'll ask mo over there to dinner. I-eslle's Weekly. Proud Father (to bachelor friend, a veterinary surgeon) Well, aren't they grand? The Vet M 'yes. I should keep the middle one. If I were you. Fo Bailly Answered. "How are you going to get along with your examination, Jerry? "O, these questions are easy. Here's one: 'What is the national hymn?' Any body knows what that Is. It's It's which one Is the national hymn, Mr. Brown?" "Why, It's well, you know there are half a dozen of them. Still, I suppose tbe one we really call the national hymn Is is what's the next question, Jerry?" Ilia Claim to Distinction. "So, that Is Professor Dash of the Blank University, Is It? Well, what has he been doing to set the people to talk ing about him?" "Nothing at all nothing but teach his classes. That's why I'm pointing him out to you." Case of Genuine Humanity. Young Husband Those are the bis cuits you baked this morning, aren't they, Jennie? What are you going te do with them? Y'oung Wife (tearful and Indlgnant) I'm going to feed them to the pigeons. Young Husband Don't do that, dear, for heaven's sake! I'll try to eat them. Respectfully Declined. "My boy, no cigarettes! If you must smoke, smoke cigars." "But, father, I can't afford It." "You can use mine." "I value my friends too highly foi that." Specimen of Negro Logic. That famous southern clergyman Rev. Dr. Porter, recently told a good story Illustrating the whimsical in genuity of the Ethiopian mind. A southern planter who was puzzled by the disappearance of c great deal of rice found out that It had been pur loined by a favorite slave. He sent for the latter and said: "Sam, I am very sorry to discover that you are a thief and have been taking my rice." The slave smiled and answered: "I took your rice, masser; but I'm no thief." "How do you make that out?" came the querjy "Well, masser, does I belong to you, or does I not?" "Yes, you belong to me." "An don't that rice belong to you?" "Certainly." "Well, then. If I take the rice and eat that rice it belongs to you still. It hasn't gone away from you and no other man's got it, and so I couldn't have htolen It, could I?" Evening Wisconsin. The Weather Man's Complaint. I try to please my patrons, but the coa- tract Is no fun, For farmers now want lots of rain and carpenters want none.