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About The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933 | View Entire Issue (June 7, 1901)
IpOORHOUSE TO f ALACE BYMARY CHATTER VIII. (ContlnueJ.) One morning about two wink after ward Mary was In the meadow gathering cowslips for dinner when alio heard ome one calling her name; and looking up, he aaw Jenny hurrying toward her, her aunbonnet hanging down ber back, an uniihI, am! her checks fliiHhed with vio lent exercise. An soon as alie came up lie began with, "Oh. my, oln't I hot and tired, and I can't atay a minute, either, for I ran away. Hut I had aueh good newt to tell yon, that I would come. You are going to have a great deal better home than thin. You know where Wee Corner la, the district over east? Mary replied that alio did, and Jenny continued: "We all went over there yes terday to see Mrs. Mason. She's a reul nice lady, who used to live in Boston, and lie Intimate with ma, until three or four years ago when Mr. Mason died. We didn't go there any more then, and I asked Hose what the reason was, and she said Mrs. Mason was poor now, and ma bad 'cut her;' and when I asked her what she cut her with, ahe only laughed, and said she believed I didn't know any thing. Hut since then I've learned what It means." "What does It?" asked Mary and Jenny replied: "If a person dies and leaves no money, no matter how good his folks are, or how much you like them, you mustn't know them when you meet them in the street, or you must cross over the other side If you see them coming; and then when la dies call and speak about them, you must draw a great, long breath, and won der 'how the poor thing will get along, she was so dreadfully extravagant.' I positively heard mother say thoso very words about Mrs. Mason; and what Is so funny, the washwoman the same day apoke of her, and cried when she told how kind she was, and how she would go without things hcrsj'lf for the sake of giv iug to the poor." After a moment's pause Jenny proceed ed: "This Mrs. Mason came into the country and bought the prettiest little cottage you ever saw. She has lots of nice fruit, and for all mother pretends in Hoston that she does not visit her, just as soon as the fruit Is ripe she always goes there. Pa says it's real mean, and lie should think Mrs. Mason would see through it." "Did you go there for fruit yesterday?" asked Mary, " "Oh, no, returned Jenny. "Mother said she was tired to death with staying at home. Besides that, she heard some thing in Boston about a large estate in England, which possibly would fall to Mrs. Mason, and she thought it would te real kind to go and tell her. Mrs. Mason has poor health, and while we were there she asked mother if she knew of any good little girl she could get to come and live with her; 'one,' she said, 'who could be quiet when her head ached, and who would read to her and wait on her at other times.' Mother said she did not know of any, but when Mrs. Mason went out to get tea, I. followed and told her of you, and the tears came into her eyes when I snld your folks were all dead, and you were alone anil sorry. She said right oCf that she would come round and see you soon, and if she liked you you should live with her." So saying, she ran off; Mary, having gathered her cowslips, sat down to think I of Mrs. Mason, and wonder if she should ever see ner. mat ariernoon, wueu me , dishes were all washed, she, as usual, stole away to her books. She had not been long occupied ere some one called her, saying Mr. Knight was downstairs and wanted to see her, and that there was a lady with him. Mary readily guessed that the lady must be Mrs. Mason, and carefully brush ing her hair and tying on a clean apron, she descended to the kitchen, where she was met by Mr. Knight, who called out, "Hallo! my child, how do you do? 'Pears to me you've grown handsome. It agrees with you to live here, I reckon, but I'll venture you'll be glad enough to leave and go and live with her, won't you?" pointing toward a lady who was just coming from Mrs. Parker's room and to ward whom Mary's heart instantly warm ed. "You see," continued Mr. Knight, "one of the Lincoln girls has taken a mighty shine to you, and it's queer, too, for they're dreadful stuck-up folks." "If you please, sir," said Mary, inter rupting him, "Jenny Isn't a bit stuck-up." "Umph!" returned Mr. Knight. "She docs not belong to the Lincoln race, then, I guess. I know them, root and branch. Lincoln's wife used to work in the fac tory at Southhrldge, but she's forgot all about that, and holds her head dreadful high whenever she sees me. But that's neither here nor there. This woman wants you to live with her. Miss Mason, this Is Mary. Mary, this is Miss Mason." The introduction being thus happily over, Mrs. Mason proceeded to ask Mary a variety of questions, and ended by say ing she thought she would take her, al though she would rather not have her come for a few days, as she was going to be absent. Miss Grundy was now inter rogated concerning her knowledge of work, and with quite a consequential air she replied: "Perhaps, ma'am, it looks too much like praising myself, considerin' that I've had the managin' of her mostly, but I must confess that she's lived with me so long, and got my ways so well, that she's as pleasant a mannered, good tempered child, and will scour as bright a knife as you could wish to see!" Saturday came at last, and long before the sun peeped over the eastern hills Mary was up and dressed. Just as she was ready to leave her room she heard Sally singing in a low tone, "Oh, there'll be mourning Mourning mourning mourning; Oh, there'll be mourning when Mary's gone away." About nine o'clock Mr. Knight drove up alone, Mrs. Mason being sick with nervons headache. "I should have been hero sooner, said he, "but the roads is awful rough, and old Charlotte has got a stub or somethin' In her foot. But where's the gal? Ain't she ready?" - He was answered by Mary herself, who made her appearance, followed by Billy hearing the box. And now commenced the leave takings. Miss Grundy's turn coming first. "May I kiss yon, Miss Grundy?" said Mary. Miss Grundy bent down and re ceived the child's kiss, and then darting off into the pantry, went to skimming pans of milk already skimmed. Uncle Peter between times kept ejaculating: "Oh, Lord: oh, massy sake! oh, for land!" Billy knew it would be lonely Without Mary, but he was glad to have her go to a better home, bo he tried to be cheerful. Aside from him, Sally was the only composed one. It la truo her eyes were very bright, and there was a compression about her mouth seldom seen, except just before one of her frenzied attacks. Oc casionally, too, she pressed her hands up on her head, and walking to the sink, bathed It In water, as If to cool Its In ward heat. CHAPTER IX. Very different this time was Mary's ride with Mr. Knight from what it had been some months before, and after brushing away a few natural tears, and sending back a few heart sighs to the lov ed ones left behind, her spirits rallied, and by the time they reached the borders of Rice Corners there was such a luok of quiet happiness on her face that even Mr. Knight noticed It. As they roue on Mary fancied that the country looked pleasauter and the houses better than In the region of the poorhouse; ami wnea a sudden turn of the road brought into view a beautiful blue sheet of water, euv bosomed by bright green hills, her delight knew no bounds. Springing up and point Ing toward It, she exclaimed: "Oh, please stop a moment and look. Isn't it lovely? What la It?" "That? Oh, that's nothing but Tor dunk Pond,' or as folks most generally call 'em. seein' there's two. North anil South Pond." "How far Is the pond from Mrs. Ma son's?" asked Mary, casting longing glances toward the distant sandy beach and the graceful trees which drooped over the water's edge, "It's farther back than 'tis tltere, 'cause it's uphill all the way," said Mr. Knight, "but here we be at Miss Mason's this house right here," and ho pointed to a neat, handsome cottage, almost hidden from view by the dense foliage which surrounded it. There was a long lawn in front, and into the carriage road on the right of It Mr. Knight turned, and driving up to a side door, said to Mary, "Come, jump down, for my foot Is so lame I don't be lieve I'll get out. But there's your chest You can't lift that. Halloo! Judith, come 'ere." In answer to this call a fat, pleasant looking colored woman appeared in the doorway, and as if fresh from the regions of cookdom wiped the drops of perspira tion from her round, jolly face. "Here, Judith," said Mr. Knight, "help this gal lift her traps out. Judith complied, and then bidding old Charlotte to "get up," Mr. Knight drove away, leaving Mary standing by the kitchen door. - "Come in and sit down," said Judith, pushing a chair toward Mary with her foot. "It's as hot here as an oven, but I had crambry sass and ginger snaps, and massy knows what, to make this morning and I got belated; but set down anil make yourself to home." Mary took the proffered seat, and then Judith left the room for a few moments, saying when she returned that, as Mrs, Mu sou was still suffering from a head ache, she could not see Mary until after dinner. "And, continued Judith, "sin told me to entertain you, but I don't know what to say nor do first. Harry died just a week to a day before he was to be married, and so I never had any little aMa tn tniu to n.nn't von think nf annm- tning to taik bout? What have you v,een usej (0 doing?" "Washing dishes," was Mary's reply "Wall," answered Judith, "I guess you won't have that to do here for one night when some of the neighbors were in heard Miss Mason tell 'em that she got you to read to her and wait on her. And then she said something about your not having an equal chance with your sister, You han't but oue, now t other s dead have you?" Mary replied in the negative, and Ju dith continued: "Wall, now you ve got ovep the first on't, I reckon you's glad the baby's dead, for she must have been kind of a bother, wasn t she?" Instantly Mary's thoughts' flew back to an empty cradle, and again a little golden head was pillowed upon her breast, as often in times past it had been, and as it would never be again. Covering her face with her hands, she sobbed, "Oh Allic, Allie! I wish she hadn't died!" Judith looked on in amazement, and for want of something better to do placed a fresh stick of wood in the stove, mutter ing to herself, "Now, I never! I might of knew I didn't know what to say. Wha a pity Harry died. I'll give her that big ginger snap the minute it s baked. See if I don't." Accordingly, when the snap was done, Judith placed it in Mary s hands, biddin her eat it quick, and then go up and see the nice chamber Mrs. Mason had ar ranged for her. ' "Come," said Judith; and leading the way, she conducted Mary up the stair case, and through a light, airy hall to th door of a small room, which she opened saying, "Look, am t it pretty Mary's heart was too full to speak, and for several minutes she stood silent. With the exception of her mother's pleasant parlor In old England, she had never be fore seen anything which seemed to her so cosy and cheerful as did that little room, with its single bed, snowy counter pane, muslin curtains, clean matting, con venient toilet table, and what to her wa fairer than all the rest, upon the mantel piece there stood two small vases, filled with sweet flowers, whose fragrance fill ed the apartment with delicious perfume, All this was so different from the bare walls, uncovered floors and rickety furni ture of the poorhouse that Mary trem bled lest it should prove a dream from which ere long she would awake. When Mary was finally sent for by Mrs. Mason she had been so much accus tomed to sick persons .hat she knew in tuitively just what to do and when to do it, and her step was so light, her voice so low, and the hand which bathed the aching head so soft and gentle In its touch that Mrs. Mason involuntarily drew he to her bosom, and kissing her lips, called her her child, and said she should never leave her; then, laying back in her easy chair, she remained perfectly still, while Mary alternately fixed her hair end smoothed her forehead, until she fell into a quiet slumber, from which she did not awake until Judith rang the bell for sup per, which was neatly laid out in a little dining parlor, opening into the flower gar den. There was something so very social and cheering In the appearance of th ri.om, and the arrangement of the table, with its glossy white cloth, and dishes of tho same hue. that Mary felt a' most as nincb like weeping as she did on the uht o her arrival at the poorhouse. But Mrs. Mason teemed to know exactly bow to entertain her; and by the time that flret a was over there was hardly a nuppier Child in the world than was Mary. airs, aiason soou uiiuii"-u " rn room, where she for some time mused herself with watching the day light as It gradually disappeared rroiu the hills which lay beyond the pond. Then hen It all was gone, and the stars be- gun to come out, SUB lurueu ucr rji-a toward one which had always seemed to her to be her mother's soul looking down pon her from the windows of heaven. Now to-night there slinat beside It a smaller, feebler one, and In the fleecy clouds which floated around It she fan- led she -ould deline the face of her baby Hlster. Iuvoluntarily stretching out hot ands, she cried, "Oh, mother! Alllet I m so happy now;" and to the child's Ira- gination the stars smiled lovingly upon her, while the evening wind, as It gently moved the boughs of the tall elm trees, emed like the rustle of angels wings. Who shall say the mother's spirit was not there to rejoice with her daughter over the glad future opening so brightly before her? (To be continued.) NO WONDER HE WAS BALKED. Difllcnltlea the Frenchman Experi enced In Learning; Engliah. A Frenchman thirsting for linguistic superiority recently begun a course of iigllsh lessons with a teacher of lan guages. Arter tolling conscientiously through a good uuiny exorcises the fol lowing dialogue between the pupil and his muster was overheard: I find the KngllHh very difficult," complained the Frenchman. "How do ou pronounce t-o-u-g-b?" "It In pronounced 'tuff.' " "Kit, Men, 'tulT;' 'snuff,' then, Is spelt -n-o-u g h, Is it not?" "Oil, no; 'snuff' Is spelt s-n-u-ff. As mutter of fact, words ending In o-u-g-h nre soinewhiit Irregular." "I nee; a superb language! Tough tuff' and c o u g h is 'cuff.' I have a very bud cuff." "No; It Is 'coff.' not 'cuff.' " "Very well; cuff, tuff and coff. And d o u g h Is 'duff,' eh?" "No, not 'duff.' " " 'Doff,' then?" "No; 'doh.' " "Well, then, what about h ou gh?" "Tbnt Is pronounced 'hock.' " "'Hock!' Then I suppose the thing he farmer uses, the plough, Is pluff.' or Is It 'phlock,' or 'plo?' Fine language 'plo.' " "No, no; It Is pronounced 'plow.'" "I shall soon master English, I am ire. Here we go. 'Plow,' 'coff,' 'tuff,' hock.' and now here Is another r o u g h; that Is 'row, I suppose?" "Oh. no, my friend; that's 'ruff' again." 'And bo-u-g-h Is 'buff.'' 'No; that happens to be 'bow.' " 'Yes, wonderful language. And have Just enough of It; that's 'enon,' s It not?" "No; 'enuSf.' " Sheffield Weekly News. Peace with Humor. All old Indian, says Joaquin Miller in his recent book, 'True Bear Stories," was terribly frightened by an old inon ster grizzly and her half-grown tub one autumn, while out gathering inanzan ita berries; but badly as lie was fright ened he wns not even scratched. It seems that while he had his head raised, and wns busy gathering and eating berries, he almost stumbled over a bear and her cub. They had eaten their fill and had fallen asleep In the trail on the wooded hillside. The old Indian had only time to turn on his heel and throw himself headlong into the large end of a hollow log, wilier luckily lay at hand. This was only a temporary refuge but be soon saw, to his delight, that the log was open at the other end, and corkscrewing his way along toward the farther end he was about to emerge when he saw the old mother sitting down, quietly waiting for him. After recovering his breath he elbow ed and corkscrewed himself back to the place at which he first entered. But lo the bear was there, sitting down, half- smiling and waiting to receive him. This, the old Indian said, was repeat d time after time till he had no longer strength to struggle. He turned on his face, whereupon the bear thrust her head In, touched the top of his head gently with her nose, and then drew back, took her cub with her, and shuttled away. Mr. Miller went to the spot with the Indian a day or two after, and was convinced that his story was exactly true; and when youtinderstarid that the bear could easily have entered the hollow log and killed the Indian at any time, you will see that It must have been a sense of humor which caused her to play the cat-and-mouse game with him. Lady "Bobs" and Her Trunks. There is a story going around about Lady Roberts and her trunks, for the truth of which, says the Westminster Gazette, a man returning from South Africa vouches. At the height of the transport difficul ties, Lady Roberts carried eight large trunks from Cape Town t Bloemfon tein In the very teeth of the officers. Everybody wondered, everybody grumbled. No one but Lady Roberts could have taken the things through. The transport of stores had been stop ped for the time, the sick lacked every comfort, and those who were not sick were half-starved and only half-clad. Therefore, when a fatigue party was told off to fetch those eight trunks from Bloemfonteln station, some rather un complimentary things were said about women travelers in general and this latest transgressor In particular. Next day seven of the eight trunks were unpacked, and their contents dis tributed among the soldiers. The clever lady bad snapped her fingers at red tape, and had smuggled through com forts for the men. One small trunk con tained ber personal belongings. Sea Fish in Lake Ontario. The deepening of the St- Lawrenct canal system has had ether result than to allow the passage of ocean going freightage. Following In tbi wake of the vessels sea herrings have made their appearance In Lake On tario, and are being eagerly captured by the fishermen. Preliminary Step. "Are you educating your chIM with a view to his future college crteer?" 'Oh, yes; he's got to begin next week and take a drop of tabasco eaucc three times a day." NEW SPOUT IS FOUND. ENTIRELY NOVEL, AND COMES FROM TASMANIA. Ax and Paw Contest! Create am Much Furore There a Foot bull and Base ball Do in America or the Olympic Games in Greece. Tasmania may Justly claim the credit of having glveu the world d new sport. In that far-off land, among the men of brawn and might, whose swinging axes have felled the towering forests and converted their truckles depths Into flourishing farmlands, has arisen a contest tit fur kings, a form of nth letic excrclso calculated to bring tho thrill of delight to all who have an honest admiration for good red blood and the display of mighty muscle sys tematically trained to do useful work. The new- sport may bo designated as "nxiiiiinslilp," and although It Is of but recent origin It has already taken the premiership over all other sports. What the bull lighter Is to Spain and Mex ico, the cricketer to England, the swordsman to France, the hockey player lo Canada, and the football and baseball l,er to the United States, the champion nxiiinn has become to the brawn loving Australians. The championship contest or carnival Is held yearly In Ulverstlne, Tasmania, some time during the first two months of the year, under the auspices of an organization specially formed for the purpose, bearing the title of the "Uni ted Australia!! Axmen's Association." The entries to the yearly competition are not contlned to Tasmania, but come also from Victoria, New South Wales and New Zealand. Each district has Its champion, and among the adher ents of these various stars there Is the most heated controversy as to the re spective merits of each. For months before the great contest these brawny ax men spend all their spnre time prac ticing, until they develop a speed and strength that Is little short of marvel ous. This year's carnival Is conceded to have been the most successful since the yearly meeting was Inaugurated. In the championship chopping con tests there were six trials and the final. Eight men participated In each of the trials, and the winners fought out the finals. As this contest Is designed primarily to test a man's skill In fell ing a tree, the log, a great piece of tough wood, six feet four Inches In girth. Is placed firmly In the ground, as though It were a growing tree. Five minutes before the beginning of the heat the referee's whistle sum mons the contestants Into the lnclosure. They are nil splendid specimens of physical prowess thick set, deep chested, Iron muscled and bronzed from exposure. Each carries his favor ite ax, the, fullest latitude being al lowed In the matter of selection. It Is a significant fact that several of the saws and axes used this year were the product of American firms. When all Is ready the pistol shot sounds and the contest Is on. Scarcely less exciting is the sawing contest. The log used Is the same size as that employed In the chopping con test, but the time made Is much more rapid, for the great saw cuts through the wood much more quickly than the ax can go. This year for the first time the sx men'sandsnwyers' championships were won by the same man Thomas Pettitt of Sprint, Tasmania. Not only did he win both events, but he also broke the record for each. NOVEL ACCIDENT IN COURT. One of the Most Extraordinary Panv aae Canes in lullcinl Annali. A suit In the Superior Court In Ra lelgh, N. C, against the Seaboard Air Line Railway has brought to light the most novel accident known to the an nals of Jurisprudence. The vestibule passenger train from Atlanta was bowling along toward Ra leigh on a down grade at the rate of fifty miles per hour at 10 o'clock In the morning. William Watllngton was on his way to a wild turkey blind, which he has baited, and had his double- barreled, breech-loading shotgun on his shoulder, two cartridges being In the chambers. On reaching the railroad track, which was on an embankment about ten feet high at this place, Mr. Watllngton heard the train in the dis tance and stopped on the side of the track about fifty feet away to view the train as It swept by. He could not see over the embankment on the other side of the track. Along beside the embankment on both sides of the track there are the usual ditches, which were filled with water. Mr. Watlington was standing between the embankment and one of these ditches on the north side of the track with his gun on his right shoulder. On the other side of the track were a number of cattle nip ping grass, which Mr. Watllngton could not see. Just a few seconds before the train passed these cattle commenced to struggle across the track to the side on which Mr. Watllngton was standing. The bovlnes all got safely across except one small Jersey bull. He was caught on the cowcatcher and hurled away with terrible velocity, and, as mis fortune would have It, he struck Mr. Watllngton about midships and knocked him down Into the ditch and planted the bull on top of him. The bull was stunned and struggled, but could not get up, and the water was drowning both man and beast. The engineer, Mr. Honeycutt, was watching the cattle ftnd had not seen Mr. Watlington, and when the fireman told him what had happened he stopped the train and hurried back, and got there In time to get Mr. Watlington and the bovine out of the ditch before they were drowned. Striking Mr. Watllng ton and knocking him Into the water saved the life of the bull, and the water saved the blow by the bull from killing Watllngton. Further examination showed that the bull struck Mr. Watllngton and the shock had knocked the gun some dis tance, and when It struck the ground it was discharged and killed one of the cows and wounded another so badly that it had to be killed. The gun was not Injured. On these fae's Judge Brown held that the railroad company was not liable In damages to Mr. Watlington. Since the trial the owner of the two cows nta sued Mr. Wutllngton and recovered $100 In full damages for their killing. Mr. Wntlliigton says the ending of this lawsuit bang a blue sheep: That he was knocked down by a Jersey bull, which was hurled at him by the tralu, and nearly drowned, and his gun Is dis charged and kills two cows, and he gets no damage and Is compelled to pay f 1;0 for being the prluclpal In the most cele brated case In the history of accidents by railroad trains. But since all this happened Mr. Wat llngtoti has had a great piece of good luck to befall hiin. He has been work ing for II. N. Snow, at High I'olut, In the furniture business. Mr. Snow Is getting old and, being rich and tired of the business, he retired and gave the whole plant and business, worth f 20, 000, to Mr. Wellington, who was of no kin to blm, but simply a faithful em ploye. So. Mr. Watllngton has had some recompense for his experience with the bull aud train. Chicago Chronicle. 4'entnry in Office, Hubbard B. McDonald, whose official title Is Journal clerk to the United Dlt.ul- u,u wuo is in reaiuy me ' parliamentarian of ,mv(1 thoKht y0 WPre trying to Imply that body, Is the thflt , ()t Um wl)ole how."-Wnsh-tl.lrd of his Hnme- , ,on stllr uinic luuiujr lo uc-l cupy that position, j II 1 a grandfather, John G. McDon-' aid, was appoint-' ed chief clerk of the Senate in 1801), and continued In that position until his death, In 183(J. M DO-If ALU, His son, the father of the present In cumbent, was appointed to succeed him, and he remained as the official helmsman of the Senate until his death, nearly twenty-five years ago. Even before the death of his father Hubbard McDonald had become con nected with the Senate In a clerical ca pacity, and he' has now served for many years as Its parliamentary ex pert. It Is his business to sit close to the presiding officer of the Senate and keep him from falling Into parliament ary pitfalls. He reports that of all the Vice Presidents It has been his fortune to conch Mr. Roosevelt Is by far the hardest to keep In line. "Teddy" has such decided Ideas and opinions of his own that he yields with poor grace to the mandates of tradition and prece dent. For His Country. Lord R , who had ninny good qual ities, and even lenrnlng, had a strong desire of being thought skillful In phy sic, and was very expert In bleeding. Lord Chesterfield, who knew his foi ble and wished ou a certain occasion to have his vote, went to him one morning and after having conversed ou Indifferent matters, complained of a. headache and desired his lordship to feel bis pulse. It was found to beat high and a hint of bleeding was thrown out. "I have no objection and as I hear your lordship has a masterly hand, will you favor me with trying your lancet upon me?" said the tact ful and politic Chesterfield. After the operation he said: "By the way, do you go to the house to-day?" "I did not Intend to go, not being sufficiently Informed of the question to be debated," answered the Impromptu physician. "Which side will you be of?" Lord Chesterfield, having gained his confidence, easily directed his Judg ment; he took him to the house and got him to vote as he pleased. He af terwards said that few of his friends had done as much as he, having liter ally bled for the good of his country. Goldsmith's Generosity. A beggar once asked alms of Oliver Goldsmith as he walked with a friend up Fleet street, and he gave her a shilling. Ills companion, knowing something of the woman, censured the writer for his excess of humanity, say ing that the shilling was misapplied, as she would spend It for liquor. "If It makes her happy In any way, my end Is answered," replied Goldsmith. Another proof that the doctor's gen erosity was not always regulated by discretion was at a time when, after much delay, a day was fixed to pay the forty pounds, due his tailor. Goldsmith procured the money, bttt a friend call ing upon him and relating a piteous tale of his goods being seized for rent, the thoughtless but benevolent author gave him all the money. The tailor called and was told that If he had come a little sooner he could have had the money, but that he had just parted with every shilling of It to a friend In distress, adding: "I would have been an unfeeling monster not to have re lieved trouble when In my power." Paid In His Own Coin. The Atlanta Journal relates an amiw lng encounter which Maurice Barry more once had with a stranger. "Will you oblige me with a light?" said Bar rymore to a belated stroller. "Certain ly," said the stranger, holding over bis cigar. But when Barrymore banded back the perfecto the owner flung It away. Out came Barrymore's cigar case. "Take one of mine," he said, with a tone to the Invitation which made an order of it. The stranger hesitated and took the cigar. "Let me offer you a light," aded Bar rymore, giving his lighted weed to the other. Upon regaining his cigar, Barrymore, of course, flung It away. "I should like to continue this Indef initely, but I have only a few cigars," he said, and walked off. Barrymore would devote as much thought to a trifle like this as he would require to write a brilliant essay or memorize a part. .. Welsh Language. The poll taken of Cardiff, Wales, on tle question whether children In the board schools should be taught the Welsh language has resulted In a ma jority of C7 votes against It. Had Not Lit. First Kansan Did thet cyclone dam age Jed Perkins' house enny? Second Kansas Dunno; It hain't lit ylt. Ohio State Journal You know how other people bore you. Look yourself over; maybe you have the habit n. b. OUR BUDGET OF FUN. HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DO INGS HERE AND THERE. Jokeaand Jokelets that Are Fuppoeed. to Have Ueeu Recently Born-Hajlniia and Doing that Are Did, Curioue and Laughable-Tha Wcek'e Humor. A farmer has an umbltlotis son, 12 years old, who, being left alono for a few hours the other day, tried to cleau, the clock. He easily got the clock to pieces, but his difficulty lay In putting It together again after cleaning. At this task ho was only partly suc cessful, and upon bis father's return home he eagerly exclaimed: "Father, l'vo cleaned the clock aud got enough works left over to make another one!" Exchange. A Care I cm K em ark. "I am really afraid you hurt that actor's feelings," said Miss Cayenne. "In what way?" "You said he played his part very well. Yon know he Is very sensitive, ,, ,., , .... .nnrt. ,, "in Bed with the Grip." The Fpirit'a Calmer Kttrent. "Jones, next door, Is getting old." "What do you go by?" "He's quit tnlklng bnsebnll and gone to talking garden." A Philosopher. Wife There's a burglar down cellar, Henry. Husband Well, my dear, we ought to be thankful that we are upstairs. Wife But he'll come up here. Husband -Then we'll go down cellar, my dear. Surely, a 10-rooni house ought to be big enough to hold three people without crowding. 1H re. Clubberly-Just because I haveu't paid my bill for a year, my tailor won't make me 'another suit of clothes. Castleton-What will you do? "I shall threaten to take my trado elsewhere." A Mlaflt. "That engagement of young Mr. Dolley and Miss Klttish Is broken off." "What was the cause?" "O. Dolley nut his foot In It as usual." How?" "He was trying to pay her a compli ment and said she'd been looking real pretty the last few days." 1 on Lute. He Your father ought to know what I have to say to hi in. I have been com lug here so long. She I am afraid he has given up all hope. Busines Repirtee. Strange Lady What's the price of this Iron bedstead? Dealer Twelve dollars, madame. Strange Lady How much off If I pay cash? Dealer Madame, If you don t pay cash the bed Is uot for sale. Knew Where He Stood. "There's one thing I must say for Henrietta." said Mr. Meektou. "She Is very firm, once she gets her mind made up." "She can't be argued out of her opln Ion." "No. Indeed! That's what makes home so happy. If she expresses her self In the morning I know perfectly well that she. hasn't changed her mind when I get home at night. It makes It very much easier to converse." Wash ington Star. She Had Been Through the Pocket. Mrs. I see by this morning's paper that there is very little change in men's trousers this spring. Mr. Yes, I notice that. Appreciation Appreciated. "Does cook complain of my healthy appetite?" "Oh, no; she says she would, rather cook for six men with big appetites than for one woman without any." Quite Likely. The Chronic Discusslonlst (truculent ly) If Andrew Jackson were alive to day what would be his sentiments In this matter? The Sober-Minded Citizen (wearily) He would be glad he was dead, I pre sume. ruck. In Hla I.inr. Howland Rantt You are a new mem ber of our company. May I ask, sir, your role? The Other I am the advance agent. Howland Rantt Indeed! Well, could you er advance me a fiver? Phila delphia Record. Clone Quarter. She Am I really the first girl you ever hugged? He Y-e-s; but I've made calls on girls who lived in flats. New fork Weekly. The Care of Kichea." "Do you find the possession of a large sum of money occasions worry?" said the Inquisitive man. "I do," answered the millionaire. "What sort of worry?" "Worfir for fear somebody is going to get It away from me." Washington Star. , s-- . Home ThO"- 0 Doctor-Do you know that at times my patriotism almost jOmipts me to give up my practice and enlist In our country's cause In the Philippines." Experienced Patient (on the spur of the moment) You will surely sow the seeds of consternation In the ranks of tho enemy, doctor, If you charge them as you have charged me.-Richmond Dispatch. Puspeclecl Hraa-gadoclo. What makes you to unfriendly to that newcomer?" SVell," said Bronco Bob, "the fust thing he said when he struck thelowu was that he thought of edltln a paper In Crimson Gulch. I hate to see a man come around like that advertlslu' hla self as bloodthirsty an' troublesome." Washington Star. A Disagreeable t haracterUtlc. Katharlne-I detest that Mr. Tiffing-. ton. Margaret Why, Katharine? "Oh, he's the kind of man who al ways calla when you are expecting somebody else who doesn't come." Life. To Be Hnre. Mistress -And you say your brother choked to death? What on? Maid Ou a chair, ma'am. He was eating dinner. Indianapolis Sun. The Dnrktown Mlnatrela. "Mr. Johnslng, can you tole me what's do difference between a Spau- Isli amusement an' w hat a savage dog geta out of a tramp?" Dat's too rich for me. What s de answer ?" 'It's dead easy. One am a bull fight, de odder a full bite." llounl to Kick. L.i . . A a C10VU1 nlnnp EMUUUMOll 1 Oil HlttUU JU,r..v last rear, and yH you're complaining of your hard luck! Phlatz-Well, blame It, look at that 11 O M III. (In the Part of the Cuatomera, Proprietor (of restaurant)-! lielieve our new cashier will bear watching. Assistant-Bear It? Why, she posi tively enjoys It! A Man of Co a rage. She I didn't suppose you had the nerve to kiss me. He Oh, yes. I have got nerve enough to do anything. The Hnmora of Trave". "Did Clara bring home an Interesting lot of photographs of her foreign tour?" "Yes-dreadfully funny; she didn't write names on them and can't tell what more than half of them are." Was Hungry. Passenger (5 a. m.) I say, old sport, what o'clock Is It? Second Officer We have no such thing as o'clock on board ship, sir. It is bells here. Passenger Then please have me call ed In time for the first breakfast bell. A Pepraved Variety. "What kind of a town is that place you've been visiting. Laura?" "Oh, It's the kind that always has a rain going on when you get there." Aa to the New Pastor. Maud How do you like our new clergyman? . Mabel He's splendid. I haven't heard him preach yet, but he golfs beautifully! A Vernal Setback. "Well, Jlmmle, do you want gran'pa, and pa and ma and Aunt Carrie to take you to the circus?" "No, pa; I'd rather go 'th Tommy Dobbs." Able to Comply. Teacher Thomas, give me your Idea of the differences between a curve and an angle. Tommy Tucker My Aunt Ann is all curves, and my Aunt Hepsy is all an gles. The Overcoat Vacation. "Yes, when I put away my overcoat for the summer I drop a camphor bail In each pocket." "Do you? Three gilt balls are enough for me." Cleveland Plain Dealer. Urbane Mlniater Wa. Sarcastic Editor Your Interview with the Chinese minister doesn't seem to have been much of a success. Indignant Reporter It doesn't? I got more questions out of hi in thnn all tho other fellows put together. Chicago Tribune. The Worst. Mrs. Gush I heard all about your poor husband having his arm broken lu that dreadful street car accident yesterday; let me sympathize with you. ' Mrs. Swagger O, thank you, but that Isu't the worst; my new hat was simply ruined In the wreck. Ohio State Jour nal, o American Vinyu in Jamaica. When you arrive at your hotel In Kingston, Jamaicaand here It may be remarked that the town contains but. one hotel worthy of the name you are at once made aware that the establish ment Is conducted "on the American plan," says a correspondent In the London Dnlly Mail. The guide book say so, and the Inevitable Iced water confirms the statement. Outside, on Harbor street, the fine system of elec tric trams makes you as an English man blush to the hat brim. Call a '"bus" It Is a buggy of the American pattern and drive to the railway sta tion, and once more the handiwork and enterprise of the Americans are In evidence, for the engine Is of United States design and the cars are of the same make. One is therefore not sur prised to learn that an American start ed the railway business In Jamaica and eventually sold out at a handsome figure to the government of the colony. "Believe only half you hear." says the proverb; but when a woman tellt, you her age the chances are you will hear only half what you believe. 1