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About The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933 | View Entire Issue (April 26, 1901)
THE SOUTH WIND. Wind that siDgs of the dream; South When the pale first blossoms woo the bee. Wind that flings from a golden mouth Tender spray of the summer sea. Wind that keens for us light and bloom That cradle the bird in the tree-top nest, Wind that sleeps in the lilac's plume, Of the winds of heaven we love the best. Over the springing wheat-fields pass. And over the sin nil home gardens fan, Krerinore bringing to grain and grass And the flowers thy breath of blessing rare. (iive us the cup of thy wine to taste, O wind of the South, so strong and fleet! Never a drop of its joy to waste, In the days of the springtime coy and sweet. Woman's Home Companion. ( A COOL SCOUNDREL 4 V profession isn't a popular one. There is consid erable prejudice flgaiust It. I don't myself think It's much worse than a good many others. However, Unit's nothing to , do with my story. Some years ago me and the gen tleman who whs at that time connected with me In business he's met with re verses since and at present Isn't able to go out was looking around for a Job, being at the time rather hard up, as you might say. We struck a small country town-I ain't going to give it away by telling where It was or what the name of It was. Ttaero was one bank there. The president was a rich old duffer; owned the mills, owned the bank, owned most of the town. There wasn't no other officer but the cashier, and they had a boy who used to sweep out and run errands. The door was chilled Iron, about the neatest stuff I ever worked on. I went on steady enough; only stopped when Jim which, as I said, wasn't his real name whistled outside, the watchman toddled by. By and by, w hen I'd got pretty near enough, I heard Jim so to speak whistle again. I stopped, and pretty soon I heard footsteps outside, and I'm blowed If they didn't come right up the bank steps, and I heard a key lu the lock. I was so dumbfound ed when I heard that that you could have slipped the bracelets right on me. 1 picked up my lantern, and I'll be hanged if I didn't let the slide slip down and throw the light right on to the door, and there was the president. In stead of calling for help, as I supposed he would, he took a step Inside the door and shaded his eyes with his hand and looked at me. I knowed I ought to knock hi in down and cut out, but I'm blest if I could, I was that surprised. "Who are you 7" says he. "Who are you?" says I, thinking that was an lnnoceut remark as he com menced It and a-trylng all the time to collect myself. "I'm the president of the bank," snys he, kinder short; "something the mat ter with the luck?" By George, the Idea came to me then; "Yes, sir," says I, touching my cap. "Mr. Jennings, he telegraphed this morning as the lock was out of order and he couldn't get In, and I'm come on to open It for him." "I tojd Jennings aiweek ago," says he, "that he ought to get the lock fixed. Where Is he?" "lie's been a-wrltlng letters, and he's gone up to his house to get another letter he wanted for to answer." "Well, why don't you go right on?" says he. "I've got almost through?" says I, "and 1 didn't want to finish up and open the vault till there was somebody here." "That's very creditable to you," says he, "a very proper sentiment, my man. You can't," he goes on, coming round by the door, "be too particular about avoiding the very suspicion of evil." "No, sir," says I, kinder modest like. "What do you suppose Is the matter with the lock?" says he. "1 don't rightly know jet," says I, "but 1 rather think it's a little on ac-' count of not being oiled enough. These 'ere locks ought to be oiled about once a year." "Well," says he, "you might as well go right on, now 1 am here. I will stay till Jennings comes. Can't I help you hold your lantern, or something of that spit?" The thought came to me like a flash, and 1 turned around and says: "How do I know you're the presi dent? I ain't ever seen you afore, and you may tie a-trylng to crack this bank for all I know." "That's a very proper inquiry, my man," says he, "and shows a most re markable degree of discretion. I con fess that I should not have thought of the position In which I was placing you. However, I can easily convince you that It's all right. Do you know what the president's name is?" "No, I don't," says I, sorter surly. "Well, you'll find It on that bill," said he, taking a bill out of his pocket. "And you see the same name on these let ters," and he took some letters from his coat I suppose I ought have gone right on then, but I was beginning to feel inter ested in making him prove who he was, so I says: "You might have got them letters to put up a Job on me." "You're a very honest man," says he, "one among a thousand. Don't think I'm at all offended at your persistence. No, my good fellow, I like It. I like it." and he laid his hand on my shoulder. "Now. here," says he. taking a bundle of his pocket, "Is a package of $10,000 in bouds. A burglar wouldn't be apt to carry these around with hiiu. would he? I bought them lu the city yester day, and I stopped here to-night on mywny home to .place them in the vault, and I may add that your simple and manly honesty has so touched me that I WJd willingly leave them in your hands "for safe keeping. You needn't blush at my praise." MICHAEL G. MULHALL, FAMOUS Michael G. Mulhall, whose death was recently announced, was perhaps the best knowu statistician of the present day. Mulhall was born at KUUuey. near Dublin, sixty-four years ago, and his ccreer was full of adventure. He was educated In Rome at the Irish Col lege, and he was the pioneer of the En glish newspaper press In South Ameri ca, the first paper printed there, In our language, having been the Standard, produced by Mulhall at Buenos Ayres In 18T)8. In 1878 he returned to En gland, and proceeded to make his flame as the author of "The Progress of the World," "The History of prices," and the invaluable "Dictionary of Statis tics," which finds a place lu every ref erence library. Mulhall was married to a lady whose book, "Between the Amazon and the Andes," placed her among the rauks of ladies who travel well and write well of their trivets. I suppose I did turn sorter red when I see them bonds. "Are you satisfied now?" says he. I told him I was, thoroughly, and so I was. So I picked up my drill again, and gave him my lantern to hold, so that I could see the door. I heard Jim, as I call him, outside once or twice, and I like to have burst out laughlug, thinking how he must be wondering what was going on inside. I womeu ( away, ana Kepi explaining to mm uui I was a-trylng to do. He was very much Interested in mechanics, he said, and be knowed as I was a man as was up in my business by the way I went to work. He asked me about what wages I got and how I liked my busi ness and said he took quite a fancy to me. I turned round once In a while and looked at hltn a setting up there as solemn as a biled owl, with my dark lantern In his hand, and I'm blamed If I didn't think I should have to holler right out. 1 got through the lock pretty soon and put In juy wire and opened It. Then he took hold of the door and opened the vault. "I'll put my bonds In," says be, "and go home. You can lock up and wait till Mr. Jennings comes. I don't sup pose you will try to fix the lock to night." I told him I shouldn't do anything more with It now, as we could get In before morning. "Well, I'll bid you good-night, my man," fays he, as I swung the door to again. Just then I heard Jim, by name, whis tle, and I guessed the watchman was a-cotnlng up the street. , "Ah," says 1, "you might speak to the watchman. If you see him, and tell him to keep an extra lookout to-night." "I will." says he, and we both went to the front door. "There comes the watchman up the street," says he. "Watchman, this man has been fixing the bank lock and 1 want you to keep a sharp lookout to night. He will stay here until Mr. Jen nings returns." 1 saw Jim, so called. In the shadow on the other side of the street, ns I stood on the step with the watchman. "Well." says 1 to the watchman. "I'll go and pick up my tools nnd get ready to go." I went buck to the bank, and It d'.dn't tnke long to throw open the door and stuff them bonds Into the bag. There was some boxes lying around and a safe ns 1 should rather have liked to have tackled, but It seemed like tempt ing Providence after the luck we'd hud. I iooked at my watch and see It was Just a quarter past 12. There was an express went through at half past 12. 1 tucked my tools lu the bag on the top of the bonds and walked out to the front door. The watchman was on the steps. "1 don't believe I'll wait for Mr. Jen nings," says 1. "I suppose It will be nil right if I give you his key." "That's all right," says the watch man. "I wouldn't go away very far from the bank." says 1. "No, 1 won't." says he. "I'll stay right about here all night." "Good night." says I. and 1 shook bonds with him. and me and Jim which wasn't his right name, you un derstandtook the 12:.-IO express, and the best part of the Job was we never heard nothing of it. It never got Into the papers. Argo naut. a r ea7' r a'id6 f mirrors. Moat Wild Animals Take Fright at Their Own Reflections. A glunce at himself In a mirror yes terday frightened Big Ben, the zoo's largest lion, so badly, says the Phlla iteiniiin Press, that the keeners in charge feared he would do violence to himself. He was lu an angry mood all day and paced restlessly up and down his cage, stopping at the bars and rav ing at every chance passerby. The antics of a small boy particular ly excited his ire and he raged and stormed as only a big lion can. The lad enjoyed the performance and wait ed until Ben had finished his tirade, nii thpn drew a hand mirror from un der his coat and held It directly in front of Ben. The Hon looked over and then Jumped for the Intruder that dared face him GEN. PALMER, THE NEW COMMANDER OF BRITISH FORCES IN INDIA. Maj. Gen. Sir Arthur Tower Palmer, who by King Edward's approval has become permanent commander-in-chief of the British forces In India, has been for a long time commander of the Pun jab frontier force and provisional head of the imperial service. He Is an old time Indian campaigner, thoroughly seasoned to the climate and the work. In the great mutiny of 1857, the year in which lie entered the army. Gen. Talnier raised a regiment of Sikhs, which he commanded till the close of the campaign. In 1803 he fought in the I bloody business uiwm the northwest j frontier, nnd afterward in the Abys sinian war. In the Duftla expedition, in She Afghan war. iu the Sudan, aud as bend of the campaign iu the Chin Hills. It is said he understands Indian mili tary neod more than any other man In j the empire IRISH STATISTICIAN- i!plii;i-i:! kil l ! in;11 l iljjljljjjj; AVa.' Til i, mar 1 1 m . w j run mm MICIIAII, S. MULUAl.L. In such a fashion, but brought up , against the bars with force enough to ! throw him to the floor. Surprised at j the appearance of the Invader, he filled the house with his roars. The keepers ran to the cage and endeavored to quiet him, but be continued the uproar until exhausted. In the meantime the adventurous youth had disappeared and was dis covered lu front of the wolves' cage trying to excite them lu the same way. He was led from the garden and warn ed to keep away. About a year ago a serious disturb ance at the zoo was due to the flashing of a mirror In front of the lions' den. At that time the lions, with the excep tion of one or two of the wildest, were kept In one cage. A visitor held a mir ror In front of them one afternoon and the beasts were thrown Into panic. They fought and dashed at the bars with such violence that it was feared several would die as a result of their frantic struggles. It required the com bined efforts of all the keepers for sev eral hours before they could be quieted. GOT THE WORK HE WANTED. I ffrontery of the Applicant Salted the Kail road Manager. United States Revenue Inspector William A. Gavett vouches for the fol lowing story of a well-known Southern railroad man: H. M. Hoxle, general manager of the I. & G. N., was universally considered a good fellow by his friends In Texas and elsewhere. A slight deformity caused him to limp, and the brakeineii on the road, with the quick adeptness which railroad meu possess lu giving uickunmes, promptly dubbed blm "Old Flatwheel." One day Mr. Hoxle sat In his office when a typical Texas "brakle stalked In and stood with his bat on In the middle of the floor. "1 want a job," said he. After a little talking Mr. Hoxle sug gested that bis manner was unbecom ing, and suggested that h would give him a practical lesson In how to nsk for a position. "You take my seat." he said, "nnd I'll show you how you ought to net." The brnkeman took the general man ager's chair and Mr. Hoxle stepped out into the hall. Alter giving a respect ful knock he come in and stood uncov ered before his temporary superior. "Well?" said that worthy. "I am looking for a position, sir." said Hoxle. "I have braked' for four years and 1 think I could fill a position on the International. What can you do for me?" The tough brakemnn leaned back In his chair and stuck his thumbs in the armholes of his vest. "Well. 'Old Flat wheel.' I'll Just give you n job." he drawled. "It took me off my feet." said Mr. Hoxle In telling the story at a Galves ton banquet. "But I laughed lu spite of myself, and the applicant began work on the International a short time after that." Detroit Free Press. Long-Lived Birds. It used to be believed that the ravens lived longer than any other species of birds, and It was said that their age frequently exceeded a century. Recent studies of the subject indicate that no authentic Instance of a raven surpass ing seventy years of ago Is on record. But parrots have been known to live one hundred years. One lost Its mem ory at 60 and its sight at 00. There is a record of a golden eagle which died at the age of 118 years. Another gold en eagle was kept in the Tower of Lon don for ninety years. A third died at Vienna aged 104 years. Geese and swans are tenacious of life, and ex traordinary accounts exist of the great age that they have attained. Buffon and other authorities have credited them with 80 and 100 years of life. Hots and Tots. The Dutch settlers at the Cape of Good Hope called the natives Hotten tots because the Caffre language seem ed to be a perpetual repetition of the syllables hot aud tot. The average woman puts off ac knowledging her wedding presents as long as possible, knowing that the do nors expect the acknowledgment to contain an Invitation to visit her. ESKBA.L PALMER. fat- w it NAMING THE BABIES. GIVE THEM GOOD, PLAIN, HON EST ENGLISH COGNOMENS. Fad for Diminutive! and Fancy Names la Abating Fewer Myrtles, Kaye and Maytnea eelect AppeUutiuiis from Your Native Tongue. A clergyman who baptizes a great many babies asserts that the fancy names for girls which have caused so much disgust among sensible people are going out of date. There are fewer Carries, Emmas, Ellas, Mamies and Sa dies nnd more Carolines, Emellues, Elizabeths, Marys aud Sarahs. This is pleasing, us It indicates that parents are growing In sense. English names should be given to English-speaking people. Diminutives are proper enough for babies, but where Is the young lady Margaret who would sign her name Maggie, Madge, Maud or Peggie on a btisluess document? How uiuny people of middle age can remember a Gladys In their early days? A lady who had mimed her daughter Flora, afterward, ut the girl'B request, enlarged It to Flor ence, because there were so many Floras among dogs aud horses. But re spect for the English language should ho the first Impulse In naming a child. Among boys the selection of foreign and outlandish names Is far less com mon. Now and then there Is au Al phonso or Alonzo, transported from one of the Latin countries, but the good old English nam.es, such as have been borne by the kings in all the centuries, still stand the test of long endurance. The new King of England has added to the respect in which he was held by choos ing the good old English Edward In stead of the one which he received from his Dutch father. Among the Henrys, Georges, Will iams, Charleses, Jameses, Edwards and a few others, are names enough t fit out the largest family of boys. Then there are a few Bible names that are favorites. John, David, Peter, Stephen and Andrew being the most popular. Greek names like Arlstarchus, Demos thenes, Auaxagoras, Thenilstocles and Sophocles are too lengthy for use In this hurrying age. A family lu Central New York saw the name of Socrates in a book, and named their sou So-crn-tes, accent on the second syllable, and by that pronunciation he was known throt'fh a long life, though his Intimate friends reduced It to Scrate. Probably nine-tenths of the people la the rural community In which he lived had no more knowledge than his mother, a most excellent lady, who used to boast to her neighbors of her "eqtrlnomlcal" habits, and once complained that she had a terrible Nashua In her stomach. No mistakes will be made and nothing furnished fo cause a laugh If parents will give their children good old English or Anglo-Saxon names. There are some very musical aud sonorous names among the Spanish, Italians, and old Uomans, but the child would not thank his parents In after years If they com pelled him to carry one of them through life. A little boy who was named Gama liel and always called 4'Gammy" by his parents, shook off the Incubus very early by falsely telling his teachers that he was John. Ills playmates and his neighbors sympathized with blm, and his parents, regretting their mistake, let the new name stand. We had the story of Theophrastus and Theophilus Smith 1 a few weeks ago, and of the comedy of ! eirors that followed their living In the ' same row of flats because neither would I get beyond the Initial T lu signing his Christian, or rather his heathen, name. Give the baby a good old name select ! ed from the language that you speak. ! The naming of a child is one of the ! most Important Incidents of his life. The man who, having been handicapped ' by his own awkward name, afterward ! bestows It on his own son for the sake i of "keeping it in the family," Is guilty ! of an act that deserves to be branded as a crime, the effect of which Is more I lasting than a murder. New Haveu ! (Conn.) Palladium. FIRST NIGHTS ARE TRYING. Stage People Kept on the Anxious Seat During Initial Performances. The first night of a new play begins for the auditor at 8 o'clock in the even ing; for the actor at 8 o'clock In the j morning of the day set for the first pro j ductlon. At about that hour he awak ' ens fagged from the dress rehearsal of the previous night, which has left him too exhausted for a refreshing sleep. Breakfast proves to be a farci cal attempt at Replenishing the inner man. The chop'Tias lost its appetizing j flavor aud the coffee its stimulating powers. He finds himself repeating the words of his part, mechanically 1 striking attitudes and moving about the i room to assume the positions decreed by stage business. Ten to one he discovers that he can not remember the dialogue of his most important scene aud he hurries to use the manuscript. This brings him to his sense and he berates himself as a nervous idiot. Time out of wind he has performed the same mental and physical antics inspired by the intense strain of the first-night ordeal. He de cides to "walk it off." But the words sing in his bead. He reads his lines on the billboards, which seem to contain nothing save posters heralding the play In which he is to appear. "Might as well have had a rehearsal," he mutters as he retraces bis steps to the Lambs' or riayers', the clubs frequented by the actors. There every one, with the best Intention, wishes him success until the poor fellow feels bowed down by the responsibility of living up to their ex pectatlons. Arrived at Ms apartment an attempt to divert his thoughts by attention to neglected correspondence proves of no avail. He develops only a tendency to copy the manuscript of his part. Lunch eon offers a temporary relief, but, j strange to say, bouillon and chop are equally tasteless. He gulps the first as though it were a draft of medicine, but cannot overcome the feeling of ner vous nausea, and leaves the chop un touched. "Here, get together, old man," is his mental command. Sleep he must have. But sleep comes not. Catching sight of himself In a mirror, he realizes that be Is unshaven. He dares not trust the razor to his trembling hand, so Is com pelled to seek a barber. ThW opera tion Is speedily performed, In spite of his suggestion that "there be no hur ry." About 6 o'clock he Is convinced that acting Is not his matter and wishes that be hud beeu a bricklayer. A slice of dried toast and a cup of tea consti tute Ills dinner, after which a start is made for the theater. The hour consumed in make-up and dressing seems altogether too brief. Harrowing thoughts throng bis brain. He feels certain that he has forgotten a tie, a hat, a waistcoat or some other equally Important accessory to his stage attire. At 8:15 or thereabouts be is In the wings awaiting bis cue, fever ishly moistening his lips, while he mumbles his first speech. lis entrance made, his first word spo kenthe burden rolls away and the re mainder of the dlulogue and business comes In the main with pleasing cer tainty. Eleven o'clock finds htm worn out, hoping for a favorable verdict from the dramatic reviewer, but really at that moment too exhausted to be con cerned in anything In life except au In viting pillow. New York Press. GOOD I Short Storie$ Ou the occasion of the last visit of P. T. Bnrnum to England, George Augus tus Sala presided at a dinner given In honor of tho famous showman. Iu the reception room all were waiting to wel come the guest of the evening, when Mr. Bariium cumo iu beaming, nud, shaking hands with the chairman, said, with a strongly marked Yankee ac cent: "This is Indeed n surprise to me." "Did you hear that?" Mr. Sala whispered; "why, he arranged for the dinner himself." Senator Vest has been handicapped with poor health for some time, never theless his mind is one of the brightest lu the Senate. Oue duy recently he sunk into his chair, saying to his neigh bor: "I nm au old man, aud I'll never get over this." "Come, come, Vest, brace up," replied his neighbor; "brace up, and you'll be all right. Look at Morrill over there; he's nearly DO, and Is as spry as a man of 40." "Morrill! Morrill!" said Vest; "he's set for eter nity. They'll have to shoot him on the day of judgment." Two Inmates In a Glasgow asylum, working In the garden, decided upon an attempt at escape. Watching their opportunity when their keeper' was ab sent, they approached the wall. "Noo, bend doon, Sandy," said the one, "and I'll cllm' up your shoulder to the top, and then I'll gle ye a hand up tne." Sandy, accordingly, bent down. Tarn, mounting bis buck, gained the top of the wall, and, dropping over the other side, shouted, as he prepared to make off: "I'm thinking, Sandy, you'll be better to bide anlther fortnight, for you're no near rlcht yet." In his "Eccentricities of Genius," Maj. Pond says that often while trav eling Henry Ward Beecher Improved ills time uy unving wnat ne caned "a general house-cleaning" of his pockets, which would get loaded up with letters and papers until they could hold no more, when he would clear them out and destroy such papers as were worth less. On one occasion Beecher happen ed to put his hand in the watch-pocket of his pantaloons and found there a little envelope which he opened. When he saw its contents, he called Maj. Pond to sit beside him, nnd remarked: "You remember the evening I married C. P. Huntington. I wns so much In terested In the subject that I forgot he handed me a little envelope us he went out of the door. 1 put It in the watch pocket of my pantaloons and nevej thought of it again until just now, and here it Is four one-thousand-dollar bills. Now," he said, "don't tell any one about It, and we will have a good time and make some happiness with this money. We will just consider that we found it." And so, in a day or two, Mr. Beecher went with Mnj. Pond to look at a cargo of fine Oriental rugs many of which he purchased and sent to different friends, and afterward he spent whnt remained of the money for coin-silver lamps, unmounted gems, and various pieces of bric-a-brac, all of which he gave away, until he had used up the entire four thousand dollars, "In making happiness among those whom he loved." After Mr. Beecher' s death the Major related to Mr. Huntington the incident of this discovery of the four thousand-dollar bills, and the rail- w-ay magnate observed: "I should never have given them to him. It was all wrong. I made a mistake. Money never did him any good." Only Estate of Its Kind. "There is one point to which I wish to call your attention," said the owner of a fine old colonial palace to a pros pective purchaser. "What is that?" "This estate is, I believe, absolutely unique In this particular, among es tates with buildings as old as this one." "And what Is this unique feature?" "It was never occupied by Washing ton as headquarters." Philadelphia Press. Exhausting; Maine's Kirch Forests. At the present rate of the manufac ture of spools aud other articles the Im mense white birch forests of Maine can not last many years. Although the birch forests are extensive, the fact that sev enteen spool mills and a large number of so-called novelty mills are eating up the timber at the rate of from 35,000,000 to 40,000,000 feet annually excites the apprehension of foresters end manufac turers. Telling the Speed of a Train. When traveling on a railway you can tell how fast the train is going by the following method: The telegraph posts along a railway line are placed thirty to the mile. So If you multiply the number of posts passed In a min ute by two the result gives you the number of miles per hour at which the train is going. New Hotel Tor llostfln. The biggest aud most costly hotel In Boston is to go up this season ou the site of the Brunswick. It is to be In elegance a rival of New York's Waldorf-Astoria. IIUMOll OF THE WEEK STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Odd, furious aud Laughable Phases of lluuiuu Nuture Graphically For trayed by F.mlneiit Word Artists of OurOwu Day-A liiiilnet of Fuu. "I sent a postage stamp for a pamph let which was to tell me how to uc ceed." "Wh.tt did It say?" "It said: 'Make better use of your postage stamps.' " The Literary Movement. "Did you enjoy the reception at the Literary Club?" . "Very much. Indeed. Everybody was so well dressed." Justifiable In Hia Caae. "Do you go to the theater in Lent?" "Yes; I'm such a pessimist that uoth Ing amuses me." Compulsory Outlay. 'Is Bibb a good neighbor?" 'No; he's very unpopular, because he paints his house every spring, nud that makes everybody lu the block have to do the same." These Heal 1. state Men. Brown (angrily) I thought you said that was a tine ducking shore you sold me. I was there all Washington's birthday and there wasn't a duck In sii:ht. Heal Estate Agenf-I told you it was a fine ducking shore hut It aint my fault If the ducks haven't souse enough to find It out. Natural llistnrv. "Pa, what makes a rabbit wabble its nose so?" "I can't tell you, Jimmy." "I know; It's because it hasn't got 'nough tail to wabble." Another Literary Guess. "I've got a theory." "What Is It?" "I think the same hand that penned' 'Billy Baxter's Letters' wrote 'An Eng lishwoman's Love Letters.'" Horri.l Man. "Harry, did you buy me that hat I wanted?" "No, Marie, I bought a new cooking stove." "You selfish thing!" Feminine Chi-r'ty. Bess Miss Oldham would certainly make a brave soldier. Tom Why do you think so? Bess She never deserts her colors. Honest Healer. "Is that marble?" asked a customer, pointing to a small oust of Kentucky's famous statesman. "No, sir," replied the conscientious dealer, "that's Clay." More Home Ktile. KiipecK .My near, according to my views of bringing up children Mrs. En peck Never mind about your views. I'll attend to bringing up the children; you go down In the cellar aud biiug up a bucket of coal. Not Guilty. He I thought you said your father aid he wouldn't let you marry a law Ter? She Papa heard you at work In court the other day. Feline. Miss Ann Teek I wouldn't marry the best man In the world. Miss Pepprey Naturally. You'd probably not be asked even If you were the last woman iu H. Philadelphia Press. Impertinent. Waiter (at swell restaurant) Prairie chicken? Yes, sir. Do you like your game high? Uncle Si Not so doggoned high the gun won't reach 'em, o' course, but what's that got to do with eatin of 'em ? HlaAwkwarl Fall. "Sorry to trouble you, madam, but your husband fell from a fourth-story window he was cleaning to-day, and " "O, my poor husband!" "Y'our husband is nil right, madam, but he fell so blamed awkwardly that he broke my awning all to pieces, and got away before I conld see him. Here's the bill for damages, and you tell him that If he wants to save trouble he'd better settle It right away." F tuck to It. Aggrieved Y'outh In yonr "Literary Outlook" in this morning's paper you say "there has not been a volume of poems printed for six weeks." Y'et I gent you a copy of my "Songs In Vari ous Keys" not more than two weeks ago. Literary Editor Yes,' I remember It. I see no occasion to revise my statis tics. Frightful weather, Isn't It? ' I o n With What He Talks Thronah. Myer-What'a Windham's telephone number? Gyer-SIx and seven-eighths. Myer-Why, there aren't any frac ional numbers in the telephone book. Oyer-But there are In huts. Those l.ovlnu Girls. Maude-I didn't think you would be able to recognize me after a three years' absence. Chi ra You have chaneed considera bly, but I'd recognize that hut of yours a hundred years from now. Citlna- an Kirrptlon. Smith-Kindness always conquers. Jones Oil, I don't know. I once kuew a man who tried It on a mule. Smith-Well? Jones-Hi funeral was largely at tended. His F.iperlencr. Hlx-It's just as easy to tell the truth as It Is to tell a lie. DltYea. lint when a man realizes that by telling a small lie he will not onlv make his wife happier but will get several hours' more sleep he Is Justified lu telling It. Not an In lucement. Farmer Havrlx (to hotel clerk) Heow much dew you tax a feller fer stoppln' at this here tavern? Clerk-Three dollars a day. e give you all the comforts of a home. Farmer Hayrlx-Gosb! I git all them tew home fer nothing. One Van'e Opinion. Wife What Is this gold reserve the papers are continually referring to? Husband I guess it must tie me manner In which gold persist lu hold- lug aloof from the most of us. A Frlenit in Need. "So Birdie Flyppe married a lame man! It Is the lust ming i woum on have expected her to do." "It was a case of gratitude, I believe. They were shipwrecked together, and by using his cork leg as a life preserver he managed to save them both. Anticipating a Brilliant Pesoti. The Early Cockroach How do you do? Seems to me you're looking rather forlorn and poverty-stricken. The Early Moth You won't think so when you see me cutting a wide swatli In costly furs. At a Matinee. The Girl Beg pardon, sir, does my hat trouble you? The Man I can see nothing else. The Girl-Then I'll tell you what to do. Just keep your eye on me, and when I laugh, you laugh when I cry, you crj. Heady to Helieve It. "What Is the name of this station?" nsked the passenger from the East, who had been looking wonderlngly out of the car window. "Dauphin Park," replied the passen ger from the suburb Just beyond. "That explains it. It must be nice to fish for them from the windows of the dwellings." "Fish for what?" j ; i "Dolphins." 1 ' ; j The Viewpoint. "Golf," said the ex-bicycllst, "Is a fine game, but it doesn't amount to much lu the way of exercise." "Golf," remarked the ex-gambler, "is splendid exercise, but it's an Infernally poor game." Chicago Tribune. Tuition No Chancea. "Yes; he has proposed by letter," she explained. "Now do you think I ought to mall my answer Immediately or keep him lu suspense for a while?" "Mall It!" exclaimed her dearest friend in a tone that had a trace of spiteful ness in it. "If I were you I'd telegraph It," and there wns au emphasis put on "If I were you" that came near breaking a friendship that had ex tended over several years. Chicago Post. Needeil Help. Landlady Will you have another help to the chicken, Mr. Blithers? Mr. Blithers (star boarder) Yes; un less I get help I'm afraid my Jaws, won't stand the strain. You see I never' practiced mastication as a physical fent." Ohio State Journal. Changeable F.ver. Yeast I can always tell what the weather is goiug to be by my wife. Crimsoubeak Indeed! Is she as fickle as that? Yonkers Statesman. In the Mexican Household. The arrangement of furniture Is much more formal than In the United States. It is a very common sight to see a splendidly furnished parlor with a row of strulght backed chairs all alike with their backs against the wall and as close together as they can be placed clear around the room. Heavy single doors, such as are used in the United States, are practically un known In Mexican houses either at en trances or between interior rooms. AU doors open in the middle and are fasten-' ed with bolts top and bottom. Exte rior doors are always fitted with glass panels, for they also serve as windows. All such doors opening on the street or , open court are fitted with solid shut ters that are folded at the sides out of sight when, not In use. j - j Mute and Blind Americans. ' ' The number Of deaf-mutes In the Uni ted States is over 111,000; the number of toUilly blind is S8.0-J4. Next to a love affair that doestnt pan out, a woman's greatest disappoint ment is lu when a doctor she recom mended, failed to effect a cure.