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About The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933 | View Entire Issue (April 26, 1901)
THE SOUTH WIND.
Wind that siDgs of the dream; South
When the pale first blossoms woo the
Wind that flings from a golden mouth
Tender spray of the summer sea.
Wind that keens for us light and bloom
That cradle the bird in the tree-top
Wind that sleeps in the lilac's plume,
Of the winds of heaven we love the
Over the springing wheat-fields pass.
And over the sin nil home gardens fan,
Krerinore bringing to grain and grass
And the flowers thy breath of blessing
(iive us the cup of thy wine to taste,
O wind of the South, so strong and
Never a drop of its joy to waste,
In the days of the springtime coy and
Woman's Home Companion.
A COOL SCOUNDREL
V profession isn't
a popular one.
There is consid
flgaiust It. I don't
myself think It's
much worse than
a good many
Unit's nothing to
, do with my story.
Some years ago
me and the gen
tleman who whs at that time connected
with me In business he's met with re
verses since and at present Isn't able to
go out was looking around for a Job,
being at the time rather hard up, as
you might say. We struck a small
country town-I ain't going to give it
away by telling where It was or what
the name of It was. Ttaero was one
bank there. The president was a rich
old duffer; owned the mills, owned the
bank, owned most of the town. There
wasn't no other officer but the cashier,
and they had a boy who used to sweep
out and run errands.
The door was chilled Iron, about the
neatest stuff I ever worked on. I went
on steady enough; only stopped when
Jim which, as I said, wasn't his real
name whistled outside, the watchman
toddled by. By and by, w hen I'd got
pretty near enough, I heard Jim so to
speak whistle again. I stopped, and
pretty soon I heard footsteps outside,
and I'm blowed If they didn't come
right up the bank steps, and I heard a
key lu the lock. I was so dumbfound
ed when I heard that that you could
have slipped the bracelets right on me.
1 picked up my lantern, and I'll be
hanged if I didn't let the slide slip down
and throw the light right on to the
door, and there was the president. In
stead of calling for help, as I supposed
he would, he took a step Inside the door
and shaded his eyes with his hand and
looked at me. I knowed I ought to
knock hi in down and cut out, but I'm
blest if I could, I was that surprised.
"Who are you 7" says he.
"Who are you?" says I, thinking that
was an lnnoceut remark as he com
menced It and a-trylng all the time to
"I'm the president of the bank," snys
he, kinder short; "something the mat
ter with the luck?"
By George, the Idea came to me then;
"Yes, sir," says I, touching my cap.
"Mr. Jennings, he telegraphed this
morning as the lock was out of order
and he couldn't get In, and I'm come
on to open It for him."
"I tojd Jennings aiweek ago," says
he, "that he ought to get the lock fixed.
Where Is he?"
"lie's been a-wrltlng letters, and he's
gone up to his house to get another
letter he wanted for to answer."
"Well, why don't you go right on?"
"I've got almost through?" says I,
"and 1 didn't want to finish up and
open the vault till there was somebody
"That's very creditable to you," says
he, "a very proper sentiment, my man.
You can't," he goes on, coming round
by the door, "be too particular about
avoiding the very suspicion of evil."
"No, sir," says I, kinder modest like.
"What do you suppose Is the matter
with the lock?" says he.
"1 don't rightly know jet," says I,
"but 1 rather think it's a little on ac-'
count of not being oiled enough. These
'ere locks ought to be oiled about once
"Well," says he, "you might as well
go right on, now 1 am here. I will stay
till Jennings comes. Can't I help you
hold your lantern, or something of
The thought came to me like a flash,
and 1 turned around and says:
"How do I know you're the presi
dent? I ain't ever seen you afore, and
you may tie a-trylng to crack this bank
for all I know."
"That's a very proper inquiry, my
man," says he, "and shows a most re
markable degree of discretion. I con
fess that I should not have thought of
the position In which I was placing you.
However, I can easily convince you
that It's all right. Do you know what
the president's name is?"
"No, I don't," says I, sorter surly.
"Well, you'll find It on that bill," said
he, taking a bill out of his pocket. "And
you see the same name on these let
ters," and he took some letters from
I suppose I ought have gone right on
then, but I was beginning to feel inter
ested in making him prove who he
was, so I says:
"You might have got them letters to
put up a Job on me."
"You're a very honest man," says he,
"one among a thousand. Don't think
I'm at all offended at your persistence.
No, my good fellow, I like It. I like it."
and he laid his hand on my shoulder.
"Now. here," says he. taking a bundle
of his pocket, "Is a package of $10,000
in bouds. A burglar wouldn't be apt to
carry these around with hiiu. would
he? I bought them lu the city yester
day, and I stopped here to-night on
mywny home to .place them in the
vault, and I may add that your simple
and manly honesty has so touched me
that I WJd willingly leave them in
your hands "for safe keeping. You
needn't blush at my praise."
MICHAEL G. MULHALL,
Michael G. Mulhall, whose death was
recently announced, was perhaps the
best knowu statistician of the present
day. Mulhall was born at KUUuey.
near Dublin, sixty-four years ago, and
his ccreer was full of adventure. He
was educated In Rome at the Irish Col
lege, and he was the pioneer of the En
glish newspaper press In South Ameri
ca, the first paper printed there, In our
language, having been the Standard,
produced by Mulhall at Buenos Ayres
In 18T)8. In 1878 he returned to En
gland, and proceeded to make his flame
as the author of "The Progress of the
World," "The History of prices," and
the invaluable "Dictionary of Statis
tics," which finds a place lu every ref
erence library. Mulhall was married
to a lady whose book, "Between the
Amazon and the Andes," placed her
among the rauks of ladies who travel
well and write well of their trivets.
I suppose I did turn sorter red when
I see them bonds.
"Are you satisfied now?" says he.
I told him I was, thoroughly, and so
I was. So I picked up my drill again,
and gave him my lantern to hold, so
that I could see the door. I heard Jim,
as I call him, outside once or twice,
and I like to have burst out laughlug,
thinking how he must be wondering
what was going on inside. I womeu (
away, ana Kepi explaining to mm uui
I was a-trylng to do. He was very
much Interested in mechanics, he said,
and be knowed as I was a man as was
up in my business by the way I went
to work. He asked me about what
wages I got and how I liked my busi
ness and said he took quite a fancy to
me. I turned round once In a while
and looked at hltn a setting up there
as solemn as a biled owl, with my dark
lantern In his hand, and I'm blamed If
I didn't think I should have to holler
1 got through the lock pretty soon
and put In juy wire and opened It.
Then he took hold of the door and
opened the vault.
"I'll put my bonds In," says be, "and
go home. You can lock up and wait
till Mr. Jennings comes. I don't sup
pose you will try to fix the lock to
night." I told him I shouldn't do anything
more with It now, as we could get In
before morning. "Well, I'll bid you
good-night, my man," fays he, as I
swung the door to again.
Just then I heard Jim, by name, whis
tle, and I guessed the watchman was
a-cotnlng up the street.
, "Ah," says 1, "you might speak to the
watchman. If you see him, and tell him
to keep an extra lookout to-night."
"I will." says he, and we both went
to the front door.
"There comes the watchman up the
street," says he. "Watchman, this
man has been fixing the bank lock and
1 want you to keep a sharp lookout to
night. He will stay here until Mr. Jen
1 saw Jim, so called. In the shadow
on the other side of the street, ns I
stood on the step with the watchman.
"Well." says 1 to the watchman. "I'll
go and pick up my tools nnd get ready
I went buck to the bank, and It d'.dn't
tnke long to throw open the door and
stuff them bonds Into the bag. There
was some boxes lying around and a
safe ns 1 should rather have liked to
have tackled, but It seemed like tempt
ing Providence after the luck we'd hud.
I iooked at my watch and see It was
Just a quarter past 12. There was an
express went through at half past 12.
1 tucked my tools lu the bag on the top
of the bonds and walked out to the
front door. The watchman was on the
"1 don't believe I'll wait for Mr. Jen
nings," says 1. "I suppose It will be nil
right if I give you his key."
"That's all right," says the watch
man. "I wouldn't go away very far from
the bank." says 1.
"No, 1 won't." says he. "I'll stay
right about here all night."
"Good night." says I. and 1 shook
bonds with him. and me and Jim
which wasn't his right name, you un
derstandtook the 12:.-IO express, and
the best part of the Job was we never
heard nothing of it.
It never got Into the papers. Argo
naut. a r ea7' r a'id6 f mirrors.
Moat Wild Animals Take Fright at
Their Own Reflections.
A glunce at himself In a mirror yes
terday frightened Big Ben, the zoo's
largest lion, so badly, says the Phlla
iteiniiin Press, that the keeners in
charge feared he would do violence to
himself. He was lu an angry mood all
day and paced restlessly up and down
his cage, stopping at the bars and rav
ing at every chance passerby.
The antics of a small boy particular
ly excited his ire and he raged and
stormed as only a big lion can. The
lad enjoyed the performance and wait
ed until Ben had finished his tirade,
nii thpn drew a hand mirror from un
der his coat and held It directly in
front of Ben.
The Hon looked over and then Jumped
for the Intruder that dared face him
GEN. PALMER, THE NEW COMMANDER
OF BRITISH FORCES IN INDIA.
Maj. Gen. Sir Arthur Tower Palmer,
who by King Edward's approval has
become permanent commander-in-chief
of the British forces In India, has been
for a long time commander of the Pun
jab frontier force and provisional head
of the imperial service. He Is an old
time Indian campaigner, thoroughly
seasoned to the climate and the work.
In the great mutiny of 1857, the year
in which lie entered the army. Gen.
Talnier raised a regiment of Sikhs,
which he commanded till the close of
the campaign. In 1803 he fought in the
I bloody business uiwm the northwest
j frontier, nnd afterward in the Abys
sinian war. In the Duftla expedition, in
She Afghan war. iu the Sudan, aud as
bend of the campaign iu the Chin Hills.
It is said he understands Indian mili
tary neod more than any other man In
j the empire
kil l !
AVa.' Til i,
1 1 m . w j run
MICIIAII, S. MULUAl.L.
In such a fashion, but brought up ,
against the bars with force enough to !
throw him to the floor. Surprised at j
the appearance of the Invader, he filled
the house with his roars. The keepers
ran to the cage and endeavored to quiet
him, but be continued the uproar until
In the meantime the adventurous
youth had disappeared and was dis
covered lu front of the wolves' cage
trying to excite them lu the same way.
He was led from the garden and warn
ed to keep away.
About a year ago a serious disturb
ance at the zoo was due to the flashing
of a mirror In front of the lions' den.
At that time the lions, with the excep
tion of one or two of the wildest, were
kept In one cage. A visitor held a mir
ror In front of them one afternoon and
the beasts were thrown Into panic.
They fought and dashed at the bars
with such violence that it was feared
several would die as a result of their
frantic struggles. It required the com
bined efforts of all the keepers for sev
eral hours before they could be quieted.
GOT THE WORK HE WANTED.
I ffrontery of the Applicant Salted
the Kail road Manager.
United States Revenue Inspector
William A. Gavett vouches for the fol
lowing story of a well-known Southern
H. M. Hoxle, general manager of the
I. & G. N., was universally considered
a good fellow by his friends In Texas
and elsewhere. A slight deformity
caused him to limp, and the brakeineii
on the road, with the quick adeptness
which railroad meu possess lu giving
uickunmes, promptly dubbed blm "Old
One day Mr. Hoxle sat In his office
when a typical Texas "brakle stalked
In and stood with his bat on In the
middle of the floor.
"1 want a job," said he.
After a little talking Mr. Hoxle sug
gested that bis manner was unbecom
ing, and suggested that h would give
him a practical lesson In how to nsk
for a position.
"You take my seat." he said, "nnd I'll
show you how you ought to net."
The brnkeman took the general man
ager's chair and Mr. Hoxle stepped out
into the hall. Alter giving a respect
ful knock he come in and stood uncov
ered before his temporary superior.
"Well?" said that worthy.
"I am looking for a position, sir."
said Hoxle. "I have braked' for four
years and 1 think I could fill a position
on the International. What can you
do for me?"
The tough brakemnn leaned back In
his chair and stuck his thumbs in the
armholes of his vest. "Well. 'Old Flat
wheel.' I'll Just give you n job." he
"It took me off my feet." said Mr.
Hoxle In telling the story at a Galves
ton banquet. "But I laughed lu spite
of myself, and the applicant began
work on the International a short time
after that." Detroit Free Press.
It used to be believed that the ravens
lived longer than any other species of
birds, and It was said that their age
frequently exceeded a century. Recent
studies of the subject indicate that no
authentic Instance of a raven surpass
ing seventy years of ago Is on record.
But parrots have been known to live
one hundred years. One lost Its mem
ory at 60 and its sight at 00. There is
a record of a golden eagle which died
at the age of 118 years. Another gold
en eagle was kept in the Tower of Lon
don for ninety years. A third died at
Vienna aged 104 years. Geese and
swans are tenacious of life, and ex
traordinary accounts exist of the great
age that they have attained. Buffon
and other authorities have credited
them with 80 and 100 years of life.
Hots and Tots.
The Dutch settlers at the Cape of
Good Hope called the natives Hotten
tots because the Caffre language seem
ed to be a perpetual repetition of the
syllables hot aud tot.
The average woman puts off ac
knowledging her wedding presents as
long as possible, knowing that the do
nors expect the acknowledgment to
contain an Invitation to visit her.
fat- w it
NAMING THE BABIES.
GIVE THEM GOOD, PLAIN, HON
EST ENGLISH COGNOMENS.
Fad for Diminutive! and Fancy Names
la Abating Fewer Myrtles, Kaye
and Maytnea eelect AppeUutiuiis
from Your Native Tongue.
A clergyman who baptizes a great
many babies asserts that the fancy
names for girls which have caused so
much disgust among sensible people are
going out of date. There are fewer
Carries, Emmas, Ellas, Mamies and Sa
dies nnd more Carolines, Emellues,
Elizabeths, Marys aud Sarahs. This is
pleasing, us It indicates that parents
are growing In sense. English names
should be given to English-speaking
people. Diminutives are proper enough
for babies, but where Is the young lady
Margaret who would sign her name
Maggie, Madge, Maud or Peggie on a
btisluess document? How uiuny people
of middle age can remember a Gladys
In their early days? A lady who had
mimed her daughter Flora, afterward,
ut the girl'B request, enlarged It to Flor
ence, because there were so many
Floras among dogs aud horses. But re
spect for the English language should
ho the first Impulse In naming a child.
Among boys the selection of foreign
and outlandish names Is far less com
mon. Now and then there Is au Al
phonso or Alonzo, transported from one
of the Latin countries, but the good old
English nam.es, such as have been borne
by the kings in all the centuries, still
stand the test of long endurance. The
new King of England has added to the
respect in which he was held by choos
ing the good old English Edward In
stead of the one which he received from
his Dutch father.
Among the Henrys, Georges, Will
iams, Charleses, Jameses, Edwards and
a few others, are names enough t fit
out the largest family of boys. Then
there are a few Bible names that are
favorites. John, David, Peter, Stephen
and Andrew being the most popular.
Greek names like Arlstarchus, Demos
thenes, Auaxagoras, Thenilstocles and
Sophocles are too lengthy for use In this
hurrying age. A family lu Central New
York saw the name of Socrates in a
book, and named their sou So-crn-tes,
accent on the second syllable, and by
that pronunciation he was known
throt'fh a long life, though his Intimate
friends reduced It to Scrate. Probably
nine-tenths of the people la the rural
community In which he lived had no
more knowledge than his mother, a
most excellent lady, who used to boast
to her neighbors of her "eqtrlnomlcal"
habits, and once complained that she
had a terrible Nashua In her stomach.
No mistakes will be made and nothing
furnished fo cause a laugh If parents
will give their children good old English
or Anglo-Saxon names. There are some
very musical aud sonorous names
among the Spanish, Italians, and old
Uomans, but the child would not thank
his parents In after years If they com
pelled him to carry one of them through
life. A little boy who was named Gama
liel and always called 4'Gammy" by his
parents, shook off the Incubus very
early by falsely telling his teachers that
he was John. Ills playmates and his
neighbors sympathized with blm, and his
parents, regretting their mistake, let
the new name stand. We had the story
of Theophrastus and Theophilus Smith
1 a few weeks ago, and of the comedy of
! eirors that followed their living In the
' same row of flats because neither would
I get beyond the Initial T lu signing his
Christian, or rather his heathen, name.
Give the baby a good old name select
! ed from the language that you speak.
! The naming of a child is one of the
! most Important Incidents of his life.
The man who, having been handicapped
' by his own awkward name, afterward
! bestows It on his own son for the sake
i of "keeping it in the family," Is guilty
! of an act that deserves to be branded as
a crime, the effect of which Is more
I lasting than a murder. New Haveu
! (Conn.) Palladium.
FIRST NIGHTS ARE TRYING.
Stage People Kept on the Anxious Seat
During Initial Performances.
The first night of a new play begins
for the auditor at 8 o'clock in the even
ing; for the actor at 8 o'clock In the
j morning of the day set for the first pro
j ductlon. At about that hour he awak
' ens fagged from the dress rehearsal
of the previous night, which has left
him too exhausted for a refreshing
sleep. Breakfast proves to be a farci
cal attempt at Replenishing the inner
man. The chop'Tias lost its appetizing
j flavor aud the coffee its stimulating
powers. He finds himself repeating
the words of his part, mechanically
1 striking attitudes and moving about the
i room to assume the positions decreed
by stage business.
Ten to one he discovers that he can
not remember the dialogue of his most
important scene aud he hurries to use
the manuscript. This brings him to
his sense and he berates himself as a
nervous idiot. Time out of wind he
has performed the same mental and
physical antics inspired by the intense
strain of the first-night ordeal. He de
cides to "walk it off." But the words
sing in his bead. He reads his lines on
the billboards, which seem to contain
nothing save posters heralding the play
In which he is to appear. "Might as
well have had a rehearsal," he mutters
as he retraces bis steps to the Lambs'
or riayers', the clubs frequented by the
actors. There every one, with the best
Intention, wishes him success until the
poor fellow feels bowed down by the
responsibility of living up to their ex
Arrived at Ms apartment an attempt
to divert his thoughts by attention to
neglected correspondence proves of no
avail. He develops only a tendency to
copy the manuscript of his part. Lunch
eon offers a temporary relief, but,
j strange to say, bouillon and chop are
equally tasteless. He gulps the first as
though it were a draft of medicine,
but cannot overcome the feeling of ner
vous nausea, and leaves the chop un
touched. "Here, get together, old
man," is his mental command. Sleep
he must have.
But sleep comes not. Catching sight
of himself In a mirror, he realizes that
be Is unshaven. He dares not trust the
razor to his trembling hand, so Is com
pelled to seek a barber. ThW opera
tion Is speedily performed, In spite of
his suggestion that "there be no hur
ry." About 6 o'clock he Is convinced
that acting Is not his matter and wishes
that be hud beeu a bricklayer. A slice
of dried toast and a cup of tea consti
tute Ills dinner, after which a start is
made for the theater.
The hour consumed in make-up and
dressing seems altogether too brief.
Harrowing thoughts throng bis brain.
He feels certain that he has forgotten
a tie, a hat, a waistcoat or some other
equally Important accessory to his
stage attire. At 8:15 or thereabouts be
is In the wings awaiting bis cue, fever
ishly moistening his lips, while he
mumbles his first speech.
lis entrance made, his first word spo
kenthe burden rolls away and the re
mainder of the dlulogue and business
comes In the main with pleasing cer
tainty. Eleven o'clock finds htm worn
out, hoping for a favorable verdict from
the dramatic reviewer, but really at
that moment too exhausted to be con
cerned in anything In life except au In
viting pillow. New York Press.
Ou the occasion of the last visit of P.
T. Bnrnum to England, George Augus
tus Sala presided at a dinner given In
honor of tho famous showman. Iu the
reception room all were waiting to wel
come the guest of the evening, when
Mr. Bariium cumo iu beaming, nud,
shaking hands with the chairman, said,
with a strongly marked Yankee ac
cent: "This is Indeed n surprise to
me." "Did you hear that?" Mr. Sala
whispered; "why, he arranged for the
Senator Vest has been handicapped
with poor health for some time, never
theless his mind is one of the brightest
lu the Senate. Oue duy recently he
sunk into his chair, saying to his neigh
bor: "I nm au old man, aud I'll never
get over this." "Come, come, Vest,
brace up," replied his neighbor; "brace
up, and you'll be all right. Look at
Morrill over there; he's nearly DO, and
Is as spry as a man of 40." "Morrill!
Morrill!" said Vest; "he's set for eter
nity. They'll have to shoot him on the
day of judgment."
Two Inmates In a Glasgow asylum,
working In the garden, decided upon
an attempt at escape. Watching their
opportunity when their keeper' was ab
sent, they approached the wall. "Noo,
bend doon, Sandy," said the one, "and
I'll cllm' up your shoulder to the top,
and then I'll gle ye a hand up tne."
Sandy, accordingly, bent down. Tarn,
mounting bis buck, gained the top of
the wall, and, dropping over the other
side, shouted, as he prepared to make
off: "I'm thinking, Sandy, you'll be
better to bide anlther fortnight, for
you're no near rlcht yet."
In his "Eccentricities of Genius,"
Maj. Pond says that often while trav
eling Henry Ward Beecher Improved
ills time uy unving wnat ne caned "a
general house-cleaning" of his pockets,
which would get loaded up with letters
and papers until they could hold no
more, when he would clear them out
and destroy such papers as were worth
less. On one occasion Beecher happen
ed to put his hand in the watch-pocket
of his pantaloons and found there a
little envelope which he opened. When
he saw its contents, he called Maj.
Pond to sit beside him, nnd remarked:
"You remember the evening I married
C. P. Huntington. I wns so much In
terested In the subject that I forgot he
handed me a little envelope us he went
out of the door. 1 put It in the watch
pocket of my pantaloons and nevej
thought of it again until just now, and
here it Is four one-thousand-dollar
bills. Now," he said, "don't tell any
one about It, and we will have a good
time and make some happiness with
this money. We will just consider that
we found it." And so, in a day or two,
Mr. Beecher went with Mnj. Pond to
look at a cargo of fine Oriental rugs
many of which he purchased and sent
to different friends, and afterward he
spent whnt remained of the money for
coin-silver lamps, unmounted gems,
and various pieces of bric-a-brac, all of
which he gave away, until he had used
up the entire four thousand dollars, "In
making happiness among those whom
he loved." After Mr. Beecher' s death
the Major related to Mr. Huntington
the incident of this discovery of the
four thousand-dollar bills, and the rail-
w-ay magnate observed: "I should
never have given them to him. It was
all wrong. I made a mistake. Money
never did him any good."
Only Estate of Its Kind.
"There is one point to which I wish
to call your attention," said the owner
of a fine old colonial palace to a pros
"What is that?"
"This estate is, I believe, absolutely
unique In this particular, among es
tates with buildings as old as this one."
"And what Is this unique feature?"
"It was never occupied by Washing
ton as headquarters." Philadelphia
Exhausting; Maine's Kirch Forests.
At the present rate of the manufac
ture of spools aud other articles the Im
mense white birch forests of Maine can
not last many years. Although the birch
forests are extensive, the fact that sev
enteen spool mills and a large number
of so-called novelty mills are eating up
the timber at the rate of from 35,000,000
to 40,000,000 feet annually excites the
apprehension of foresters end manufac
turers. Telling the Speed of a Train.
When traveling on a railway you can
tell how fast the train is going by the
following method: The telegraph
posts along a railway line are placed
thirty to the mile. So If you multiply
the number of posts passed In a min
ute by two the result gives you the
number of miles per hour at which the
train is going.
New Hotel Tor llostfln.
The biggest aud most costly hotel In
Boston is to go up this season ou the
site of the Brunswick. It is to be In
elegance a rival of New York's Waldorf-Astoria.
IIUMOll OF THE WEEK
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Odd, furious aud Laughable Phases
of lluuiuu Nuture Graphically For
trayed by F.mlneiit Word Artists of
OurOwu Day-A liiiilnet of Fuu.
"I sent a postage stamp for a pamph
let which was to tell me how to uc
ceed." "Wh.tt did It say?"
"It said: 'Make better use of your
postage stamps.' "
The Literary Movement.
"Did you enjoy the reception at the
. "Very much. Indeed. Everybody was
so well dressed."
Justifiable In Hia Caae.
"Do you go to the theater in Lent?"
"Yes; I'm such a pessimist that uoth
Ing amuses me."
'Is Bibb a good neighbor?"
'No; he's very unpopular, because he
paints his house every spring, nud that
makes everybody lu the block have to
do the same."
These Heal 1. state Men.
Brown (angrily) I thought you said
that was a tine ducking shore you sold
me. I was there all Washington's
birthday and there wasn't a duck In
Heal Estate Agenf-I told you it was
a fine ducking shore hut It aint my
fault If the ducks haven't souse enough
to find It out.
"Pa, what makes a rabbit wabble its
"I can't tell you, Jimmy."
"I know; It's because it hasn't got
'nough tail to wabble."
Another Literary Guess.
"I've got a theory."
"What Is It?"
"I think the same hand that penned'
'Billy Baxter's Letters' wrote 'An Eng
lishwoman's Love Letters.'"
"Harry, did you buy me that hat I
"No, Marie, I bought a new cooking
"You selfish thing!"
Bess Miss Oldham would certainly
make a brave soldier.
Tom Why do you think so?
Bess She never deserts her colors.
"Is that marble?" asked a customer,
pointing to a small oust of Kentucky's
"No, sir," replied the conscientious
dealer, "that's Clay."
More Home Ktile.
KiipecK .My near, according to my
views of bringing up children
Mrs. En peck Never mind about your
views. I'll attend to bringing up the
children; you go down In the cellar aud
biiug up a bucket of coal.
He I thought you said your father
aid he wouldn't let you marry a law
She Papa heard you at work In
court the other day.
Miss Ann Teek I wouldn't marry the
best man In the world.
Miss Pepprey Naturally. You'd
probably not be asked even If you were
the last woman iu H. Philadelphia
Waiter (at swell restaurant) Prairie
chicken? Yes, sir. Do you like your
Uncle Si Not so doggoned high the
gun won't reach 'em, o' course, but
what's that got to do with eatin of
"Sorry to trouble you, madam, but
your husband fell from a fourth-story
window he was cleaning to-day,
"O, my poor husband!"
"Y'our husband is nil right, madam,
but he fell so blamed awkwardly that
he broke my awning all to pieces, and
got away before I conld see him. Here's
the bill for damages, and you tell him
that If he wants to save trouble he'd
better settle It right away."
F tuck to It.
Aggrieved Y'outh In yonr "Literary
Outlook" in this morning's paper you
say "there has not been a volume of
poems printed for six weeks." Y'et I
gent you a copy of my "Songs In Vari
ous Keys" not more than two weeks
Literary Editor Yes,' I remember It.
I see no occasion to revise my statis
tics. Frightful weather, Isn't It?
' I o n With
What He Talks Thronah.
Myer-What'a Windham's telephone
Gyer-SIx and seven-eighths.
Myer-Why, there aren't any frac
ional numbers in the telephone book.
Oyer-But there are In huts.
Those l.ovlnu Girls.
Maude-I didn't think you would be
able to recognize me after a three
Chi ra You have chaneed considera
bly, but I'd recognize that hut of yours
a hundred years from now.
Citlna- an Kirrptlon.
Smith-Kindness always conquers.
Jones Oil, I don't know. I once kuew
a man who tried It on a mule.
Jones-Hi funeral was largely at
Hlx-It's just as easy to tell the truth
as It Is to tell a lie.
DltYea. lint when a man realizes
that by telling a small lie he will not
onlv make his wife happier but will
get several hours' more sleep he Is
Justified lu telling It.
Not an In lucement.
Farmer Havrlx (to hotel clerk)
Heow much dew you tax a feller fer
stoppln' at this here tavern?
Clerk-Three dollars a day. e give
you all the comforts of a home.
Farmer Hayrlx-Gosb! I git all them
tew home fer nothing.
One Van'e Opinion.
Wife What Is this gold reserve the
papers are continually referring to?
Husband I guess it must tie me
manner In which gold persist lu hold-
lug aloof from the most of us.
A Frlenit in Need.
"So Birdie Flyppe married a lame
man! It Is the lust ming i woum on
have expected her to do."
"It was a case of gratitude, I believe.
They were shipwrecked together, and
by using his cork leg as a life preserver
he managed to save them both.
Anticipating a Brilliant Pesoti.
The Early Cockroach How do you
do? Seems to me you're looking rather
forlorn and poverty-stricken.
The Early Moth You won't think so
when you see me cutting a wide swatli
In costly furs.
At a Matinee.
The Girl Beg pardon, sir, does my
hat trouble you?
The Man I can see nothing else.
The Girl-Then I'll tell you what to
do. Just keep your eye on me, and
when I laugh, you laugh when I cry,
Heady to Helieve It.
"What Is the name of this station?"
nsked the passenger from the East,
who had been looking wonderlngly out
of the car window.
"Dauphin Park," replied the passen
ger from the suburb Just beyond.
"That explains it. It must be nice
to fish for them from the windows of
"Fish for what?" j ; i
"Dolphins." 1 ' ; j
"Golf," said the ex-bicycllst, "Is a fine
game, but it doesn't amount to much lu
the way of exercise."
"Golf," remarked the ex-gambler, "is
splendid exercise, but it's an Infernally
poor game." Chicago Tribune.
Tuition No Chancea.
"Yes; he has proposed by letter," she
explained. "Now do you think I ought
to mall my answer Immediately or
keep him lu suspense for a while?"
"Mall It!" exclaimed her dearest friend
in a tone that had a trace of spiteful
ness in it. "If I were you I'd telegraph
It," and there wns au emphasis put
on "If I were you" that came near
breaking a friendship that had ex
tended over several years. Chicago
Landlady Will you have another
help to the chicken, Mr. Blithers?
Mr. Blithers (star boarder) Yes; un
less I get help I'm afraid my Jaws,
won't stand the strain. You see I never'
practiced mastication as a physical
fent." Ohio State Journal.
Yeast I can always tell what the
weather is goiug to be by my wife.
Crimsoubeak Indeed! Is she as fickle
as that? Yonkers Statesman.
In the Mexican Household.
The arrangement of furniture Is
much more formal than In the United
States. It is a very common sight to
see a splendidly furnished parlor with
a row of strulght backed chairs all
alike with their backs against the wall
and as close together as they can be
placed clear around the room.
Heavy single doors, such as are used
in the United States, are practically un
known In Mexican houses either at en
trances or between interior rooms. AU
doors open in the middle and are fasten-'
ed with bolts top and bottom. Exte
rior doors are always fitted with glass
panels, for they also serve as windows.
All such doors opening on the street or ,
open court are fitted with solid shut
ters that are folded at the sides out
of sight when, not In use.
j - j
Mute and Blind Americans. ' '
The number Of deaf-mutes In the Uni
ted States is over 111,000; the number
of toUilly blind is S8.0-J4.
Next to a love affair that doestnt pan
out, a woman's greatest disappoint
ment is lu when a doctor she recom
mended, failed to effect a cure.