PfliNEXSHARD EN'S rrrHICV stood about the farmhouse Jln awkward, constrained group". waiting, as they might have ex pressed It, "for the funeral to start." Tin- ileud woman whh lying In the best room. It had been the panning away of a haril life. Phineas Harden lennerl bin bead ngaliiHt the shutter which had been cloned to keep out the glaring light, and as be Hat there, half-hearing the Hounds which came to him through the open window, he heard quite distinctly those words: "Died peaceful at the last, they say. Well, there'd ought, ter be somo peace In the courne of a natural life, an' If there was going ter be any In old Mis' Hardin' life, guess It had ter get Its Innings In at pretty nigh the lust lick, it u' a close shave at that. My, didn't Hhe lead Dick Harden a life. Rec'lect when there wasn't, n Hprucer man In town, but Hhe took the spirit out of him, au' It warn't much of a job fer con sumption ter finish him up." Plilneus never forgot that. It had been the putting Into words what be had never quite admitted even to blm- HClf. The days that followed his mother's death passed peacefully enough. After a while he became used to the quiet of the house. It didn't (teem lonely to blm; be had never felt lonely, not even at the first. It was only as though some discordant note had dropped out of bis life. People sometimes looked curiously at blm and wondered if he ever thought of Lorlnda North. Hut no one could read the thoughts that were hidden back of his eyes. They were eyes that rather bullied you; they bad ulways annoyed his mother. When he was a chlld'she had said one day, "Where be gets that look beats me. He minds well, an' he'd oughter, seeln the trou ble I've been to, bringing blra up. His bands au' feet are quick enough to do as I say, but I can't feel but what 'HI I.OKUKD FOB O.ITIET AND 1'BACK. there's somethlu' back of his eyes that I ain't never touched." Lorlnda Xorth kept a little shop, which was the local exponent of metro politan styles. She was a woman who took life hard. It did not come easy to biiv of these bard worked, narrow lived women, and she had fought against euch bard knock until all the softness, which may once have been hers, bad been rubbed off. There had been au old love affair betweeu these two, but bow far It had progressed no one ever quite knew. Some one bad once ventured to ask Lorlnda about It. "She wasn't going to be au old wom an's nurse," she had said. ."She'd al ways made out to make ft living for herself, aud she guessed she could still. She wasn't going to live in any man's house aud have another woman boss it." Perhaps in these years in which there had been plenty of time for quiet thought she had sometimes regretted her lost chance of happiness. Surely they had been lonely yeurs, hard years, too, und they bad borne their fruit in Lorlnda North. There wasn't a woman In the town who did not feel a little uneasy when under the battery of her sharp eyes. I'hlneas Harden had been the only one who had ever pushed open, even ever so slightly, the door of her heart; and after she had closed this little chink, love bad gone to easier pathways, and left the door of Lorln da's heart closed hard and fast. People had speculated somewhat as to how she would take the news of Mrs. Harden's death. Perhaps It had stirred, more deeply than she knew, the undercurrent of her life. Surely, I'hlneas was often In her mind In these days. Xot with any tenderness of feel ing did she think of the lonely man; but perhaps because his solitary life bore so closely on her own did her thoughts so often turn to him. As she looked forward, as she did sometimes of late, to the years and years stretch ing out their weary length before her, a thought, which was at first vague and undefined, gradually took definite shape iu her mind. They had both always been regular church attendants. Through the sum mer Lorlnda had sat Just back of Phin eas Harden's pw, aud the time seemed very long ago when the pew in front had been empty at the evening meeting and he had sat back with her. His mother bad been dead just six months. The cold and drearluess of the winter was gone, and It was a soft night In early June. The windows In the old church were open, and perhaps Pblueas listened more to the monoton ous voice of the minister. When he was a little boy he had often wished that they would have church outdoors God seemed nearer there. The woman sat and watched his face during the lone sermon. She looked at It more carefully, perhaps, than she had ever done before. But Lorlnda Xorth was not capable of seeing the real Pbineas Harden. All she saw was a slight, bent figure; a face with eyes that were apt to fail a little before the hard look in her own. She could not know that he did not meet her eyes only because It pained hw to eerjrprfwiki-wk'b time bad priuted onher face: The long service was over.'anilthere was a sigh of relief as the congrega tion stood aud received the benedie- , ' ,lVi J lHll'l :n'l! . Adttp INHERITANCE tlon. I'hlneas had never passed out of bis pew without stopping and speaking to Lorlnda. To-night be looked up wim bis usual smile; she was just beside blm, her band resting on the railing of the old pew that Utood between them. Something in her face arrested blm; he stopped and took Iter bard. "What Is It, Lorlnda? Is anything the matter'" She looked for a full minute Into his kind. Inquiring eyes before she spoke. 'Xo. nothing's the matter. I only thought that, perhaps perhaps, we might walk home together. He dropped ber band, and the color flashed to his face. But the blood moves iimre slowly at forty than at twenty, aud he only said: "Why, yes, Lorlnda, of course. The night was clear and beautiful. It was strauge how the man noted each sound, and how bis thoughts went back to another June night long ago, when he bad walked over this same road with the woman beside him. He looked at her face; even in this soft half-light, It was hard and cold. There was some thing pathetic In the silent walk of these two old lovers. Tbey were almost at her door now, and she turned her face toward him. If he could have known It, there were two bright spots ou her cheeks; as it was, lie felt a great pity for the lonely woman. He did not know that they were two players in the tragedy of what might have been, but he dimly felt that she was trying to bridge over the lapse of time that had come between them. He remem bered something of the feeling he had once bad when she was beside blm, and a wave of longing, not for ber, but for the love that bad gone, came over him. He almost forgot the woman In his remembrance of the love which she had once awakened. As the memory of the old emotions came over him his heart softened and he turned toward ber with ready words on his lips. Hut they bad reached her door, and she was holding out her band. "Good-night, rhincas. I haven't any Idea but that you think strange of what I've done to-night, but whatever you think I know 1 can trust you to keep still. Perhaps there's things we all re gret. I don't know how you feel, hut- " She bad opened the door now and had stepped Just within the shop "but I won't be busy Saturday night. ttllU II 1 ou " v ". ... -...J If .of tn nmno I'll Iio at home." And before he bad time to an swer, the door had been shut aud be was alone. It bad been a hot week for so early in the season. I'hlneas felt tired and spent as he drove home from town on Saturday afternoon. As he neared his house Its loneliness struck him as some thing new. The heat of the day, and his struggles with the question which he bad been evading, and which kept him calling for an answer, depressed blm. .He longed for quiet and peace; whether the old quiet life or the possi ble peace of a new one, he did not know. But his house was not so lonely, after all: for. as he came nearer, he cnur ilm nlil doi-tnr'fl sulkv beside the gate. He had always liked the cheer ful, sensible old man, and be bailed him now with even a note of relief In his voice: 'Hello, Phineas; thought you'd be along if I waited a minute." Phineas got out aud stood by the side of the doctor's sulky. "It's about the bill, I s'pose," he said. I meant to see about It before, but " See here, Thlneas Harden, did you ever know me to drive people on my bills? It Isn't a bill this time, but some thing that I ought to have attended to as soon as your mother died, but it clean slipped my mind, and that's the only excuse I have to offer. I don't know whether you've ever thought much about your father; he died when you were pretty young. He was one of the best friends I ever had. They said be died of consumption; I said so myself, and I suppose he did; but If ever a man died of loneliness and want of sympathy It was Dick Harden. Just before he died he gave me a letter to give you. He told me to keep It as long as your mother lived, and at her death to give it to you If you were still un married; so, since you're a blooming old bachelor like myself, here It Is. And whatever Is in it, just remember that your father was a good man, and lived better than most men die." Iu the afterglow of the sunset Phin eas sat turning the letter over In his hand. The fading light was too dim for the faint, indistinct writing, and he lighted the lamp. He looked at the date and it gave him a curious ieeuug 10 uuuw mai aia father bad been younger than he him self was when he had written the let ter. It was true that he had thought of his father but little, and perhaps nothing in his life bad ever touched him as did this letter, which seemed as real to him as though it were his fath er's voice coming down to him through the years. The writing was stiff and cramped. He read the lines again and again, see ing his father through each word: To My Dear Son Whether you will ever see this I cannot tell. When life is almost ended, some things seem very clear. I t-amiot leave you much, but per haps you will .some time understand. There is only just enough to take care of your mother. I wish, God only knows how I wish, that I could leaTe you happi ness. Lying here I've had time to think it-nil over, and I am leaving this letter with the prayer that God will somehow make it do the work. There is just one thing I want to say, lie sure ef yourself. Never make friends because you are lonely. There is no lone liness like that of a heart that cannot get back to itself. Perhaps you will know what I mean; If you don't, it won't make any difference anyway. I leave you my dving blessing. Your father, RICHARD HARDEN. The evening hours wore slowly away. Wfeep- her-little, restless clock struck nine, Lorlnda North blew ont the light In her 'sitting-room. Thineas Hardeu had not come. The Springfield Republican. CONTROLLED BY AN IDEA. Body uil Mind May he nominated by l'recunceived Notion. "Xothlng Is stranger than the way In which the body and mind may be come iluiuiuaul by what is culled a tixed idea,' " said a physician of this city who makes u specialty of d.seuses of the nerves. "What reminded uie of the subject," be weut ou, "was u very curious case that cuuie to my utteu tiou not a great while ago. A 12-ycar-old boy, the sou of a very respectable family In moderate circumstances, who live ou the lower side of Caual street, had a slight, attack of "lutlauiiuutory rheumatism last winter and upon re covery some months later fouud him self unable to straighten his right arm. It was bent in such a position that the back of the hand almost touched the shoulder, aud. while there was uo par ticular soreness about It, the boy sim ply Insisted that he could not move the elbow aud hold the limb straight. I saw no reasou why there should be any such a result from his slight rheu matic attack aud was persuaded from the outset that the boy, while no doubt perfectly honest, was simply a victim of self-deception. "During his illness he had probably found the arm more comfortable when bent and gradually his mind had be come dominated by the fixed Idea that It was Impossible for him to extend It. In such cases it Is useless to argue with the patient, but frequently some lucky accident will dissipate the illusion. One day last fall 1 dropped In to see the boy and while I was in the house an old negro auntie remarked In bis hearing that 'somebody done put a charm on dat arm' and that she knew bow to 'take It off." 'How would you do It?" I asked. 'I'd use a red charm stone I have at home,' she said. 'I rub It on his shoulder an' dat arm straighten out shore!' I could see the boy was deeply Impressed and I gave the old woman a quarter and told her to be around with the charm stone next afternoon. I was on hand myself before the appointed hour and told the child, with a great show of telling him In confidence, that I rather expected the charm was going to cure blm. The magie stone turned out to be a piece of common red flint, but after the old auntie had mumbled several Incautatlons, rubbed his shoul dor vigorously and worked blm Into a state of high excitement I took his wrist and suddenly pulled the limb straight. "'Why, she's done It, sure enough!' I shouted, working the elbow vigorous- ly before he had time to object; 'try It ! yourself! Your arm Is as good as ever!' He moved It, cautiously at first and then more freely, and finally declared v.. ll ,.il,f The last time 1 saw "W "" " . , .,, ,.,! I, .. M1UI 11." IH.lltl.IJJ OUW"V.. ...... merely a case of mind cure that was all. As the trouble was imaginary in j the first place, a little Imagination was ueeded to remove It. The old darky, by j the way. got all the credit, and she built , up a considerable clientele on the strength of the episode." Xew Orleans Times-Democrat. A WEATHER FORECASTER. Mrs. Orenewald the Only Woman I'c copying Thie Position in liureau. One of the brainy women of the country is Mrs. L. II. Greuewald, of York. Va. She is the genius that pre sides over the local station of the Uni ted Stales Weather Bureau, ami daily makes forecasts and records that are of great value to 4tiA I..,,, iiiilhnl' itles nt'the National ' nys Consul Miller, Indicates a good fu Capl.al. Mrs. Grene- ture market for American flour and L. 'i.i ., ,, ( tuJ flouring mill machinery, as well as eui- GRBXEWALD.jh e s t observation ' stations In the volunteer service and the equipment is as good as the govern ment can well make It. In 1887 Mrs. Greuewald was given charge of the voluntary observation work for Pennsylvania. The headquar ters were at Philadelphia. Dally she displayed the weather flags and re ceived reports from her chief In tho Quaker City. The Franklin Institute of Philadelphia in 1888 recommended ber as an observer in the State weather service. She accepted the commission and set to work in earnest. Her noti fication by wire of the approacn or storms has been especially vaiuauie and has brought her favorable com ment from officials high up Iu the ser vice. At the request of the weather bureau she had an exhibit at the Paris exposition that attracted a good deal of Interest. Mrs. Greuewald Is the only woman weather forecaster In the United States. Blue Eyes. A clear, light blue color, with a calm. steadfast glance, denotes cheerfulness, good temper and constancy, but blue eyes with a greenish tint are not so indicative of these traits. A slight inclination to greenish tints In eyes of any color Is said to ue a sign of wisdom and courage. Pale blue or steel-colored eyes, with shifting mo tions of eyelids and pupils, denote de celtfuluess and selfishness. Dark blue or .violet denote great affection and purity but much intellectuality. The Other'Eye. James Albery, the dramatist, . was one day descending in a great hurry the steps frouting the Savage Club, London, wbeu a stranger, in a state of mind wljich defied punctuation, ad dressed hi in thus: "1 beg your pardon, but is there a gentleman in thft club with one eye by the name of X.?" Albery answered the question eager ly with another: "Stop a moment What's the name of bis other eye?" Light from a Distant Star. ' It requires four years and four months for a ray of light to reach us from the nearest star, and yet dight travels at the rate of 180,330 miles in a second. It would take years for a cannon ball, traveling at the usual speed of such projectiles, to reach this Alpha centuri, which is our nearest staf neighbor. When a girl takes a,bajj!iet of. provi sions to poor people, she feels that she Is getting a part of her heavenly re ward when friends stop and ask her where she Is going. OUR FLOUR IN CHINA. ITS USE BECOMING MORE COM MON AMONG CELESTIALS. Tbey Find It More Kconoinlcal than Their Own Food Product-They Con sume It Mostly iu the bhape of lto lied or Steuuied Dlahea. The Chinese tie learning to use flour. With them It Is largely an acquired taste. America ns are encouraging the hubit, aud it is very likely that as China grows more prosperous the con sumption n-lll greatly increase. That will give American flour merchants a very big Held for business. Ill the two yearn ending with 1809 the Imports of flour into China more than trebled. In 1SU7 the value of Hour taken there wus $801,rJ2.88. In 181W It bud grown to $2,054,8,Jl.I)4. Henry B. Miller, United Stutes con sul at Chun King, reports to the govern ment that wherever flour has been in troduced Into China there has been such rapid Increase in the demand and iu the consumption as to give an as surance of a continued and growing market for it in all sections where the cost of transportation does not bur its use. With the development of China will come improved conditions with the Chinese and a demand for better and more diversified food. In all Chinese cities a very large per centago of the population lives iu a mil nf hand-to-mouth fashion. The great necessity for economy In fuel seems to be the primary cause of this mode of living. Throughout central and southern China very little baked bread is used. The flour Is consumed In the form of dough or dumplings, tilled with chopped meat or meat and vegetables and fruit. The flour is made into dough and then beaten into a leathery substance fit Is then pressed into thin sheets and cut into strings, boiled and thus eaten, or else made Into dumplings and steam cd. Iu nearly every case it Is eaten while hot. Foreign flour is also used quite extensively in cakes and Chinese confections. The Chinese nppetlte seems to demand boiled or steamed food, rather than bakes; hence very little bread is baked for Chinese con sumption. Foreign flour does not come into actu al competition with rice, and, of course, cannot altogether take its place with the great rlce-eatlng population of China, but It furnishes a cheap variety 0f f00(i. The merchants, mechanics und coolies In all the treaty potts or China get better incomes than those of the interior, and are able to add a little variety to their food, and are becoming consumers of foreign flour. Wheat Is grown tp some extent In nenrly every section of China, but more extensively throughout the northern (n(j westlirn than In the central and s,mtlH.,-n portions. In the north aud west tt ,9 us(l,i very generally for food, ,rne rttln is RI.0Und in small stouo mills, onorated by hand or animal power. The Chinese iwe vegetable growths for fuel, among them tall millet. If they .take to using coal a great area of country now given up to tall millet will no dotibt be used for wheat growing. It is not a fact that the limit of agri cultural and horticultural resources of China have been reached. On account of the primitive methods of milling modern flour mills have been construct ed there by Caucasians. One at Tleu Tsin was destroyed by the "boxers." There are two at Shanghai. The consumption of tlour in China, Payment for skilled Americans In the , construction uuu ii-iquwu I mills. The conservative character of ! the people when it comes to a change in methods is such that it seems per- safe o pred.ct at (Y.r flm- for iniinv venrs to come win be far ahead of the local production. The ability of the United States to place flour cheaply In all the great coast cities gives assurance of an extensive and permanent trade between our coun try and the Orient, CHEATED OUT OF THE CLAIM. Successful Trick of Quartet of Land Rooming Swindlers. "Manv things occurred during the opening and settlement of the Cherokee strip in Oklahoma in ls'JJ, tne line or which had never been seen or beard,',' said a Joplin printer, who wag mixed ii n tn the race at the opening, and se cured a number of town lots at Paw nee. "I remember a young fellow who came down to Terry from Iowa and staked out a nice corner lot. And, by the way, merely staking out a claim did not give one the complete right of possession. "Sou had to sit down on It and hold it fast, and the Iowa chap was a stayer. He ate his meals on the lot and rolled himself in a blanket and slept on It at night. Unscrupulous schemers were ever present, beating the unwary out of their claims. But the Iowa man hold his base aud played safe. "One night four men silently ap proached the sleeper. They carried a tent, a table and four seats. They quietly erected the tent over the Iowa man, got out a deck of cards and be gan playing seven up," quotes the Jop lin, Mo., Xews-IIerald. "The Iowa man slept on. After awhile one of the players gave him a poke In the ribs with his foot. The man In the blanket awoke, rubbed his eyes and stared about Inquiringly, and In a very much bewildered manner. "What the are you doing here, young fellow?" de manded the man who bad kicked him. 'Why-why I don't exactly know,' faltered the I6wan, as he extricated himself from tit blanket. 'I I must have been walking in my sleep.' 'Right sure yon ain't trying to steal this lot from me? demanded the other, scowl ing ft a threatening manner at the Iowan. 'Xo, sir; I am not. I had no tent or anything on my lot and I do not wish to beat you out of this claim,' 'I believe you're lying to me, young fel ler, an' I'm a great mind to fix you right how, but I won't. If you .will hold tip your right hand in the presence of these three men and swear this is not your lot and that you will not try to claim It an' make trouble. I'll let yon off tbls time. Some of you guys are too tricky to live In this neigh borhood, anyway. What do you say?' " 'Gentlemen, I swear this is not my lot and that I will make no claim ou it whatever,' said the Iowau, with uplift ed hand. 'That's enough. Xow hit the grit.' The young man gathered up bis blanket and departed. He sient the rest of the night trying to find bis choice corner lot. The day broke and the sun arose, but he was yet unsuc cessful In locating it. The men in the tent threw up a shack, opened a saloon and did a thriving buslnos on the cor ner lot, aud In a few days the Iowan traded bis Winchester for a lame mule and sorrowfully rode out of the terri tory." " Short Storie$ The late Ignatius Donnelly was once rudely Interrupted In the course of a political speech by a head of cabbage thrown from tho audience. "Gentle men." be suld. mildly, "I only asked your ears; l oon t care lor juui uu.. - . M Ac. Years ago, when Bret uarte, iresu , from the Pacific slope, heard the list j of famous men living at Cambridge, be j said to Mr. Howells: "Why, you couldu't fire a revolver from your front porch anywhere without bringing down j a two-volumer! An Interesting story is being told of Queen Alexandra, which is typical of the woman. Some one ut Osborne ud dressed her as "your majesty" the day after Queen Victoria passed away. "There cannot be two queens," she re marked, adding that she wished to be called "her royal highness" until after the funeral of Queen Victoria. Two rival manufacturers of French coffee met before a judge. The latter took up one of the contestants' empty tins, and said: "1 do not consider Oils an honest label. Ou the frout you place In lnrge letters, 'Pure French Coffee,' aud on the back lu smnll let- ters-in very small letters-you print. 'A Compound of Chicory,' etc." Tho person thus addressed mused for a mo ment Then ho said, quite meekly: "But will your lordship kindly explain to the jury by what means you distin guish between the front and tne duck of a round tin?" Queen Victoria was fortunate in hav ing as ber first prime minister and con stitutional tutor iu one, Lord Mel bourne. That statesman's profanity characterisitc of the age when every body damned everybody's eyes and other personal peculiarities have loom ed so large In story and legend as to obscure the real sagacity and accom plishments of the man. Perhaps his sharpest collision with ber was on the point of the title which her husband, Prince Albert, was to lie given, ine Queeu strongly wished tne prince to no made king consort by act of Parlia ment. Melbourne evaded the issue as long as possible, but her majesty finally insisted upon a categorical answer, i thought it my duty to be very plain with ber," said the premier afterward; I said, 'For God's sake, let's hear no more of it, ma'am; for If you once get the English people Into the way of making kings, you will get them Into the way of unmaking them.' " One night Hon. William D. Faulkc, In n speech before a small meeting in Indiana, when James 1). Williams and Benjamin Harrison were opposing can didates for the governorship, related the following story: "Mr.' Williams, who was then a member of Congress. was one day washing his hands at one of the lavatories In the Capitol, when an attendant handed blm three towels. He sighed at such wanton extrava gance, and exclaimed: 'Why, down at my farm I make a single towel lust the whole family a week.' " In the East this was considered a good story, but Mr. Faulke was astonished to see that there was not a smile upon any of the faces before him; indeed, the countenances took on even a deeper gloom.. On his way home, as they drove through the woods, his companion said to him "You didn't make a great hit with your story about 'Blue, Jeans" family towel." "Xo, I didn't seem to." "Do you know wliy?" "Xo." "Well, I'll tell you. There wasn't a farmer in that crowd that hadn't done the same thing himself." Big Price for Old Carpets. When a carpet gets to be half a cen tury or more old you usually expect to be able to pick it up for a song per haps a song of a few. sixpences In some second-hand shop, but sometimes you will find yourself mistaken, which would have been the case had you been at a recent second-hand carpet sate In Lisbon. Two 'carpets sold there were four aud a half centuries old, and yet they were not bought for rags. They were carpets presented by the Infanta Donna Sancha to the Royal Convent of St. Antonio, in 1D00. and were put up at auction to raise money with which to repair the convent. French and Ger man bidders were the most anxious, and the carpets were started at $4,400. A Frenchman, finally got them for ?8, 500, and was congratulated on his bar gain. Languages Spoken by Army Oiticers. The Army and Xavy Journal states that 304 commissioned officers of the regular army -speak Spanish fluently, and that most of these are serving in the Philippines and the -West Indes. About as many more omcers possess a limited knowledge of Spanish. French la spoken by 224 officers, German by 136, the language of the American . Indians by 1.3, Ital ian by 3, Swedish and Xorwegian by 4, and Tagalog by 5. Chinese. Jap anese, Eskimo,' Dutch, Hungarian, Portuguese, and Polish are also spoken by some of our army officers. Tulip Festival. Tulips are.cultivated In Constantino ple, and there Is a tulip festival there once a year In spring. Every palace, room, gallery aud garden is decorated with tulip-, of every kind. At night they are all lighted by colored lamps and Bengal fires, and the Sultan sits Id their midst, while women sing around him and bis odalisques dance before him. J,KT US ALL LAUGH. JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA RIOUS HUMORISTS. Pleanint Incident Occurring the World Over-Hayliiga that Are Cheer ful to Old or Young-Funny Selec tion that You Will Knjoy. "I am sinking for the thiril time!" shrieked the woman In the water. "Are you positive of this'" asked the youth who was waiting to rescue ber, illy concealing his anxiety the while. "Oh, quite!" the woman protested. "For I am at this moment dlstlnetly recalling everything in my past life. 1 remember the real color of my hair as If it were but yesterday that I " "Say no more!" cried the youth plung ing forthwith into the Icy flood. The spectators cheered wildly, for never in their lives had they seen the thtnsr more eraeefull.v done. -Detroit Journal. Fomctltliiic New. Farmer How much for a room? Clerk -Two dollars up. Farmer What kind o' talk Is that? . our ,u, ga y two (,oI!..g flown Timely hngitention. Stage Manager Xow Mr. Stormer, listen to me a moment. Barnes Stormer (the villain) Well, sir? Stage Manager When the heroine ... A ft, !,..- snvs to von. "1)0 vour worst; wmi doesn't menu to act that way. A New Commandment. Teacher How many commandment are there? Small Boy 'Leven. Teacher Eleven! What Is the elev enth? Small Boy Keep off the grass. Hie La t WorJ. Spokesman Madam, we are a com ml t tee from the volunteer lire depart meut, of which your late lamented bus band was the respected chief, and w called to express our sympathy. Widow Oh, it's so kind and good of you. 1 know lienry was tiiinKing or you when lie passed away, for Just be fore the end came he rose up in bed with a far-off look In his eyes, and shouted: "Turn in a second alarm! W cnu't handle this fire without help!" Baltimore American. Cover Too Much Groen'. Binks Jinks is continually telling m what a lucky fellow you are. Kinks Yes; but I don't like he wa he expresses It. Every time he meet me he says: "Klnks you're a luck man. lou don t seem to have any thing on your mind ut all." Indianap olis Sun. The First Habv. A woman's first baby Is a heavenly visitant to her, a toy to her husband, nuisance to the neighbors, and a living to the doctor. New York Press. Out of the Mouth? of Kubes. "Oh, mamma!" exclaimed littl Edith on her return from the show. saw. an elephant, and be walks back ward and eats with his tail!" " - Van iu ar Fare. Street car conductors are never beau tlful. In fact, they are not even pass lug fare Philadelphia Record. He Would Know. She Papa has an absurd notion that you have money. He I suppose we would better It: him think so. She Y'es, but we've got to get ma ried some time. Cause and F.ffect. ' Teacher Little boys will be punished if they tell lies. Small Boy Not If they don't git k etc bed. A Domestic Orphan. "Are you glad your pa Is In politics, Jimmy?" "Oh, I don't mind pa go!n' in but ma she's gone In, too." Statu Quo. Mrs. Pettit Whenever I express a desire for anything my husband never objects. Mrs. Ig. Nord Same with me. T can express the desire as often as I please. It never disturbs him. Philadelphia Press. - . Oman Chiefly Coneerne I. "You won't touch that cake!" his wife tearfully exclaimed. "And I made it on purpose to please you. You have no heart!" ' "Perhaps not, Maria," replied the dyspeptic husband, with a weary sigh. "But I am painfully conscious of my liver." Chicago Tribune. Income and Ontgre. "Gramma, pa costs me a n'awful lot." "How, sonny?" "Why, gramma, when I'm good all day he gives me a penny, an' when I'm bad I have to give blm a penny," -Art Limitation. "What kind of pictures would you hang in a dining room?" "Well, I'd draw the line on paintings of beef on the hoof and on still life studies in tanned truck." 5 The Attraction. J Nell Why did Miss Bargainsales re ject Mr. Bjones when be was rich and then marry him after he had lost all his money? Belle I suppose because he was so terribly reduced. Philadelphia Record. I ww?t tij eft a W y-y Information. The citizen looked helplessly at th piles of drifted snow that lay on tho sidewalk l:i front of bis bouse. "What would you take to clean tula ulk?" bo said, addressing the first lan who came along. "A shovel, sir," responded Mr, Uuf- fon WruttH, Walking Delegate of Jew- lers Union, Xo. 247, passing on.-Liu- cago Tribune. Crona Tnbiae, Out, my dear Tobias, remember that you may die at any time." "Die, did you say? Die.' l nut. s u last thing I'll do."-Sondags Msse. The llettroyer. I'm afraid poor old Hlthard Is dono for. Ills locomotor utaxia is too mucu for blm at last." What make of automobile Is that; Smart Set. Rural Art Criticlem. Impressionist Artlst-I paint things as I see them. Farmer Wayback (klndly)-Do ye, naow! Don't ye think mat ineuiw some liver medicine would do ye good? SonimervUlo Journal. An F.any Matter. The reason some men don't get along happily," said Mr. Meekton, "is that they don't know bow to manage a wife." "You know this?" was the skeptical query. Certainly. It Is the simplest tuing In the world. All you have to uo is to say 'yes' whenever she wants anything and always let her have her own way." Washington Star. Good Name. "The new America u consul general at Hongkong is named Kuuiee, ie- niarked the Observant Boarder. Rub Lee," repeated the Cross Eyed Boarder; "how suggestive or wasnee- washee!" Philadelphia North Ameri can. An Inquiry, Miss Beansby Perhaps you haven't read all of Omar Khayyam? Mrs. Torkchopp-Perhaps not. Has be written anything recently I I ucu. Hla Cuntomary Ptate. "Your friend Tackey Is 'way off in Honolulu now.'- Doesn't that surprise you?" "It does and It doesn't." "Heard he. was going there, eh?" "No, I didn't know he was iu Hon olulu, but I knew be was 'way off even when he was here." Philadelphia Rec ord. Not Hiirrt to Suit. Executive I would appoint your man, but ho Is too ignorant for the jx lice force. Heeler Den put blm on de school board. Moonshine. Ther Phm. -But he Is so Daughter- full of nb- surd Ideals. Mother Never mind that, dear. Your father was just the same before I married blm. Brooklyn Life. An Objectionable Word. i At Weary What kind o' shavin' soa,i does yer use? DrearyDon't speak o' soap; yer Jat me. F.nitanemcnt Confl'lenre. "You trust me thoroughly, don't you, Ethel?" "Of course, Edgar; but, tell me, are the Installments on this diamond ring all paid off?" No Vernal Joy. "I pity the rich." "Whv?" "They know nothing of the joys of spring, for they have lettuce the yeai round." Little An tret. "Does Bobby cry much?" "No; he doesn't cry at all unless he wants his own way alwut something." Fair Knnuzh, Disgruntled and Umbrelluless Citi zen You played thunder, didn't you, in predicting fadr weather for to-day? Weather Prophet Well, it is as fait for one as it is for the other, isn't it 5 -Puek. Afterward. She How did you come to propose to me, Harry? He Um er; I think I came In a street car. I didn't have the price of a cab. Detroit Free l'ress. V1' R ;j ft mi ft ml Itooscvelt Never Dodged Trouble.- "When Theodore Roosevelt was a lit tle boy he and a playmate used to walk together to a private school," says the Ladies' Home Journal. "Their way took them past a public school. One day young Teddy appeared In a new sailor suit. This was too much for the public school boys. To them the suit was the distinguishing mark of a 'dude.' The sneering crowd planted Itself across the sidewalk. Teddy and his chum, seeing trouble ahead, came ou with fists clenched, and the battle began. A few minutes later the 'dude' and his companion went on their way somewhat less tidy than when they started, but leaving behind them a tamed and lame bunch of surprised boys. Fqr a week there were dally fights with the same results. One morning after- an . especially hard battle, young Roose velt said to his , friend: 'I.et'g go around the block and come back1 to 0 fight 'em again." ' ' '''" A small boy sometimes gets all the caudy he can eat, btrt never all b wants. The man who lacks faith lu bis abil ity seldom accomplishes anything. '