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About The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933 | View Entire Issue (April 19, 1901)
rrrHICV stood about the farmhouse
Jln awkward, constrained group".
waiting, as they might have ex
pressed It, "for the funeral to start."
Tin- ileud woman whh lying In the best
room. It had been the panning away of
a haril life.
Phineas Harden lennerl bin bead
ngaliiHt the shutter which had been
cloned to keep out the glaring light, and
as be Hat there, half-hearing the Hounds
which came to him through the open
window, he heard quite distinctly those
"Died peaceful at the last, they say.
Well, there'd ought, ter be somo peace
In the courne of a natural life, an' If
there was going ter be any In old Mis'
Hardin' life, guess It had ter get Its
Innings In at pretty nigh the lust lick,
it u' a close shave at that. My, didn't
Hhe lead Dick Harden a life. Rec'lect
when there wasn't, n Hprucer man In
town, but Hhe took the spirit out of him,
au' It warn't much of a job fer con
sumption ter finish him up."
Plilneus never forgot that. It had
been the putting Into words what be
had never quite admitted even to blm-
The days that followed his mother's
death passed peacefully enough. After
a while he became used to the quiet of
the house. It didn't (teem lonely to
blm; be had never felt lonely, not even
at the first. It was only as though
some discordant note had dropped out
of bis life.
People sometimes looked curiously at
blm and wondered if he ever thought
of Lorlnda North. Hut no one could
read the thoughts that were hidden
back of his eyes. They were eyes that
rather bullied you; they bad ulways
annoyed his mother. When he was a
chlld'she had said one day, "Where be
gets that look beats me. He minds
well, an' he'd oughter, seeln the trou
ble I've been to, bringing blra up. His
bands au' feet are quick enough to do
as I say, but I can't feel but what
'HI I.OKUKD FOB O.ITIET AND 1'BACK.
there's somethlu' back of his eyes that
I ain't never touched."
Lorlnda Xorth kept a little shop,
which was the local exponent of metro
politan styles. She was a woman who
took life hard. It did not come easy to
biiv of these bard worked, narrow
lived women, and she had fought
against euch bard knock until all the
softness, which may once have been
hers, bad been rubbed off. There had
been au old love affair betweeu these
two, but bow far It had progressed no
one ever quite knew. Some one bad
once ventured to ask Lorlnda about It.
"She wasn't going to be au old wom
an's nurse," she had said. ."She'd al
ways made out to make ft living for
herself, aud she guessed she could still.
She wasn't going to live in any man's
house aud have another woman boss
Perhaps in these years in which
there had been plenty of time for quiet
thought she had sometimes regretted
her lost chance of happiness. Surely
they had been lonely yeurs, hard years,
too, und they bad borne their fruit in
Lorlnda North. There wasn't a woman
In the town who did not feel a little
uneasy when under the battery of her
sharp eyes. I'hlneas Harden had been
the only one who had ever pushed open,
even ever so slightly, the door of her
heart; and after she had closed this
little chink, love bad gone to easier
pathways, and left the door of Lorln
da's heart closed hard and fast.
People had speculated somewhat as
to how she would take the news of
Mrs. Harden's death. Perhaps It had
stirred, more deeply than she knew,
the undercurrent of her life. Surely,
I'hlneas was often In her mind In these
days. Xot with any tenderness of feel
ing did she think of the lonely man;
but perhaps because his solitary life
bore so closely on her own did her
thoughts so often turn to him. As she
looked forward, as she did sometimes
of late, to the years and years stretch
ing out their weary length before her,
a thought, which was at first vague
and undefined, gradually took definite
shape iu her mind.
They had both always been regular
church attendants. Through the sum
mer Lorlnda had sat Just back of Phin
eas Harden's pw, aud the time seemed
very long ago when the pew in front
had been empty at the evening meeting
and he had sat back with her.
His mother bad been dead just six
months. The cold and drearluess of the
winter was gone, and It was a soft
night In early June. The windows In
the old church were open, and perhaps
Pblueas listened more to the monoton
ous voice of the minister. When he
was a little boy he had often wished
that they would have church outdoors
God seemed nearer there. The woman
sat and watched his face during the
lone sermon. She looked at It more
carefully, perhaps, than she had ever
done before. But Lorlnda Xorth was
not capable of seeing the real Pbineas
Harden. All she saw was a slight, bent
figure; a face with eyes that were apt
to fail a little before the hard look in
her own. She could not know that he
did not meet her eyes only because It
pained hw to eerjrprfwiki-wk'b
time bad priuted onher face:
The long service was over.'anilthere
was a sigh of relief as the congrega
tion stood aud received the benedie-
, ' ,lVi J
lHll'l :n'l! . Adttp
tlon. I'hlneas had never passed out of
bis pew without stopping and speaking
to Lorlnda. To-night be looked up wim
bis usual smile; she was just beside
blm, her band resting on the railing of
the old pew that Utood between them.
Something in her face arrested blm;
he stopped and took Iter bard.
"What Is It, Lorlnda? Is anything
She looked for a full minute Into his
kind. Inquiring eyes before she spoke.
'Xo. nothing's the matter. I only
thought that, perhaps perhaps, we
might walk home together.
He dropped ber band, and the color
flashed to his face. But the blood moves
iimre slowly at forty than at twenty,
aud he only said:
"Why, yes, Lorlnda, of course.
The night was clear and beautiful.
It was strauge how the man noted each
sound, and how bis thoughts went back
to another June night long ago, when
he bad walked over this same road
with the woman beside him. He looked
at her face; even in this soft half-light,
It was hard and cold. There was some
thing pathetic In the silent walk of
these two old lovers. Tbey were almost
at her door now, and she turned her
face toward him. If he could have
known It, there were two bright spots
ou her cheeks; as it was, lie felt a great
pity for the lonely woman. He did not
know that they were two players in
the tragedy of what might have been,
but he dimly felt that she was trying
to bridge over the lapse of time that
had come between them. He remem
bered something of the feeling he had
once bad when she was beside blm,
and a wave of longing, not for ber, but
for the love that bad gone, came over
him. He almost forgot the woman In
his remembrance of the love which
she had once awakened.
As the memory of the old emotions
came over him his heart softened and
he turned toward ber with ready words
on his lips. Hut they bad reached her
door, and she was holding out her
"Good-night, rhincas. I haven't any
Idea but that you think strange of what
I've done to-night, but whatever you
think I know 1 can trust you to keep
still. Perhaps there's things we all re
gret. I don't know how you feel,
hut- " She bad opened the door now
and had stepped Just within the shop
"but I won't be busy Saturday night.
ttllU II 1 ou " v ". ...
-...J If .of tn nmno I'll Iio at
home." And before he bad time to an
swer, the door had been shut aud be
It bad been a hot week for so early
in the season. I'hlneas felt tired and
spent as he drove home from town on
Saturday afternoon. As he neared his
house Its loneliness struck him as some
thing new. The heat of the day, and
his struggles with the question which
he bad been evading, and which kept
him calling for an answer, depressed
blm. .He longed for quiet and peace;
whether the old quiet life or the possi
ble peace of a new one, he did not
know. But his house was not so lonely,
after all: for. as he came nearer, he
cnur ilm nlil doi-tnr'fl sulkv beside the
gate. He had always liked the cheer
ful, sensible old man, and be bailed him
now with even a note of relief In his
'Hello, Phineas; thought you'd be
along if I waited a minute."
Phineas got out aud stood by the side
of the doctor's sulky.
"It's about the bill, I s'pose," he said.
I meant to see about It before,
See here, Thlneas Harden, did you
ever know me to drive people on my
bills? It Isn't a bill this time, but some
thing that I ought to have attended to
as soon as your mother died, but it
clean slipped my mind, and that's the
only excuse I have to offer. I don't
know whether you've ever thought
much about your father; he died when
you were pretty young. He was one
of the best friends I ever had. They
said be died of consumption; I said
so myself, and I suppose he did; but If
ever a man died of loneliness and want
of sympathy It was Dick Harden. Just
before he died he gave me a letter to
give you. He told me to keep It as long
as your mother lived, and at her death
to give it to you If you were still un
married; so, since you're a blooming
old bachelor like myself, here It Is. And
whatever Is in it, just remember that
your father was a good man, and lived
better than most men die."
Iu the afterglow of the sunset Phin
eas sat turning the letter over In his
hand. The fading light was too dim
for the faint, indistinct writing, and he
lighted the lamp.
He looked at the date and it gave him
a curious ieeuug 10 uuuw mai aia
father bad been younger than he him
self was when he had written the let
ter. It was true that he had thought
of his father but little, and perhaps
nothing in his life bad ever touched
him as did this letter, which seemed as
real to him as though it were his fath
er's voice coming down to him through
The writing was stiff and cramped.
He read the lines again and again, see
ing his father through each word:
To My Dear Son Whether you will
ever see this I cannot tell. When life is
almost ended, some things seem very
clear. I t-amiot leave you much, but per
haps you will .some time understand.
There is only just enough to take care
of your mother. I wish, God only knows
how I wish, that I could leaTe you happi
ness. Lying here I've had time to think
it-nil over, and I am leaving this letter
with the prayer that God will somehow
make it do the work.
There is just one thing I want to say,
lie sure ef yourself. Never make friends
because you are lonely. There is no lone
liness like that of a heart that cannot get
back to itself. Perhaps you will know
what I mean; If you don't, it won't make
any difference anyway. I leave you my
dving blessing. Your father,
The evening hours wore slowly away.
Wfeep- her-little, restless clock struck
nine, Lorlnda North blew ont the light
In her 'sitting-room. Thineas Hardeu
had not come. The Springfield Republican.
CONTROLLED BY AN IDEA.
Body uil Mind May he nominated by
"Xothlng Is stranger than the way
In which the body and mind may be
come iluiuiuaul by what is culled a
tixed idea,' " said a physician of this
city who makes u specialty of d.seuses
of the nerves. "What reminded uie of
the subject," be weut ou, "was u very
curious case that cuuie to my utteu
tiou not a great while ago. A 12-ycar-old
boy, the sou of a very respectable
family In moderate circumstances, who
live ou the lower side of Caual street,
had a slight, attack of "lutlauiiuutory
rheumatism last winter and upon re
covery some months later fouud him
self unable to straighten his right arm.
It was bent in such a position that the
back of the hand almost touched the
shoulder, aud. while there was uo par
ticular soreness about It, the boy sim
ply Insisted that he could not move the
elbow aud hold the limb straight. I
saw no reasou why there should be
any such a result from his slight rheu
matic attack aud was persuaded from
the outset that the boy, while no doubt
perfectly honest, was simply a victim
"During his illness he had probably
found the arm more comfortable when
bent and gradually his mind had be
come dominated by the fixed Idea that
It was Impossible for him to extend It.
In such cases it Is useless to argue with
the patient, but frequently some lucky
accident will dissipate the illusion. One
day last fall 1 dropped In to see the boy
and while I was in the house an old
negro auntie remarked In bis hearing
that 'somebody done put a charm on
dat arm' and that she knew bow to
'take It off." 'How would you do It?"
I asked. 'I'd use a red charm stone I
have at home,' she said. 'I rub It on
his shoulder an' dat arm straighten out
shore!' I could see the boy was deeply
Impressed and I gave the old woman a
quarter and told her to be around with
the charm stone next afternoon. I was
on hand myself before the appointed
hour and told the child, with a great
show of telling him In confidence, that
I rather expected the charm was going
to cure blm. The magie stone turned
out to be a piece of common red flint,
but after the old auntie had mumbled
several Incautatlons, rubbed his shoul
dor vigorously and worked blm Into a
state of high excitement I took his
wrist and suddenly pulled the limb
"'Why, she's done It, sure enough!'
I shouted, working the elbow vigorous-
ly before he had time to object; 'try It !
yourself! Your arm Is as good as ever!'
He moved It, cautiously at first and
then more freely, and finally declared
v.. ll ,.il,f
The last time 1 saw
"W "" "
. , .,, ,.,! I, ..
M1UI 11." IH.lltl.IJJ OUW"V.. ......
merely a case of mind cure that was
all. As the trouble was imaginary in j
the first place, a little Imagination was
ueeded to remove It. The old darky, by j
the way. got all the credit, and she built ,
up a considerable clientele on the
strength of the episode." Xew Orleans
A WEATHER FORECASTER.
Mrs. Orenewald the Only Woman I'c
copying Thie Position in liureau.
One of the brainy women of the
country is Mrs. L. II. Greuewald, of
York. Va. She is the genius that pre
sides over the local
station of the Uni
ted Stales Weather
Bureau, ami daily
and records that are
of great value to
4tiA I..,,, iiiilhnl'
itles nt'the National ' nys Consul Miller, Indicates a good fu
Capl.al. Mrs. Grene- ture market for American flour and
L. 'i.i ., ,, ( tuJ flouring mill machinery, as well as eui-
GRBXEWALD.jh e s t observation '
stations In the volunteer service and
the equipment is as good as the govern
ment can well make It.
In 1887 Mrs. Greuewald was given
charge of the voluntary observation
work for Pennsylvania. The headquar
ters were at Philadelphia. Dally she
displayed the weather flags and re
ceived reports from her chief In tho
Quaker City. The Franklin Institute
of Philadelphia in 1888 recommended
ber as an observer in the State weather
service. She accepted the commission
and set to work in earnest. Her noti
fication by wire of the approacn or
storms has been especially vaiuauie
and has brought her favorable com
ment from officials high up Iu the ser
vice. At the request of the weather
bureau she had an exhibit at the Paris
exposition that attracted a good deal
of Interest. Mrs. Greuewald Is the
only woman weather forecaster In the
A clear, light blue color, with a calm.
steadfast glance, denotes cheerfulness,
good temper and constancy, but blue
eyes with a greenish tint are not so
indicative of these traits. A
slight inclination to greenish tints In
eyes of any color Is said to ue a sign
of wisdom and courage. Pale blue or
steel-colored eyes, with shifting mo
tions of eyelids and pupils, denote de
celtfuluess and selfishness. Dark blue
or .violet denote great affection and
purity but much intellectuality.
James Albery, the dramatist, . was
one day descending in a great hurry
the steps frouting the Savage Club,
London, wbeu a stranger, in a state of
mind wljich defied punctuation, ad
dressed hi in thus:
"1 beg your pardon, but is there a
gentleman in thft club with one eye
by the name of X.?"
Albery answered the question eager
ly with another: "Stop a moment
What's the name of bis other eye?"
Light from a Distant Star. '
It requires four years and four
months for a ray of light to reach us
from the nearest star, and yet dight
travels at the rate of 180,330 miles in a
second. It would take years
for a cannon ball, traveling at the usual
speed of such projectiles, to reach this
Alpha centuri, which is our nearest
When a girl takes a,bajj!iet of. provi
sions to poor people, she feels that she
Is getting a part of her heavenly re
ward when friends stop and ask her
where she Is going.
OUR FLOUR IN CHINA.
ITS USE BECOMING MORE COM
MON AMONG CELESTIALS.
Tbey Find It More Kconoinlcal than
Their Own Food Product-They Con
sume It Mostly iu the bhape of
lto lied or Steuuied Dlahea.
The Chinese tie learning to use flour.
With them It Is largely an acquired
taste. America ns are encouraging the
hubit, aud it is very likely that as
China grows more prosperous the con
sumption n-lll greatly increase. That
will give American flour merchants a
very big Held for business.
Ill the two yearn ending with 1809
the Imports of flour into China more
than trebled. In 1SU7 the value of Hour
taken there wus $801,rJ2.88. In 181W
It bud grown to $2,054,8,Jl.I)4.
Henry B. Miller, United Stutes con
sul at Chun King, reports to the govern
ment that wherever flour has been in
troduced Into China there has been
such rapid Increase in the demand and
iu the consumption as to give an as
surance of a continued and growing
market for it in all sections where the
cost of transportation does not bur its
use. With the development of China
will come improved conditions with
the Chinese and a demand for better
and more diversified food.
In all Chinese cities a very large per
centago of the population lives iu a
mil nf hand-to-mouth fashion. The
great necessity for economy In fuel
seems to be the primary cause of this
mode of living. Throughout central
and southern China very little baked
bread is used. The flour Is consumed
In the form of dough or dumplings,
tilled with chopped meat or meat and
vegetables and fruit.
The flour is made into dough and
then beaten into a leathery substance
fit Is then pressed into thin sheets and
cut into strings, boiled and thus eaten,
or else made Into dumplings and steam
cd. Iu nearly every case it Is eaten
while hot. Foreign flour is also used
quite extensively in cakes and Chinese
confections. The Chinese nppetlte
seems to demand boiled or steamed
food, rather than bakes; hence very
little bread is baked for Chinese con
Foreign flour does not come into actu
al competition with rice, and, of course,
cannot altogether take its place with
the great rlce-eatlng population of
China, but It furnishes a cheap variety
0f f00(i. The merchants, mechanics
und coolies In all the treaty potts or
China get better incomes than those of
the interior, and are able to add a little
variety to their food, and are becoming
consumers of foreign flour.
Wheat Is grown tp some extent In
nenrly every section of China, but more
extensively throughout the northern
(n(j westlirn than In the central and
s,mtlH.,-n portions. In the north aud
west tt ,9 us(l,i very generally for food,
,rne rttln is RI.0Und in small stouo
mills, onorated by hand or animal
The Chinese iwe vegetable growths
for fuel, among them tall millet. If
they .take to using coal a great area of
country now given up to tall millet will
no dotibt be used for wheat growing.
It is not a fact that the limit of agri
cultural and horticultural resources of
China have been reached. On account
of the primitive methods of milling
modern flour mills have been construct
ed there by Caucasians. One at Tleu
Tsin was destroyed by the "boxers."
There are two at Shanghai.
The consumption of tlour in China,
Payment for skilled Americans In the
, construction uuu ii-iquwu
I mills. The conservative character of
! the people when it comes to a change
in methods is such that it seems per-
safe o pred.ct at
(Y.r flm- for iniinv venrs to come win
be far ahead of the local production.
The ability of the United States to place
flour cheaply In all the great coast
cities gives assurance of an extensive
and permanent trade between our coun
try and the Orient,
CHEATED OUT OF THE CLAIM.
Successful Trick of Quartet of Land
"Manv things occurred during the
opening and settlement of the Cherokee
strip in Oklahoma in ls'JJ, tne line or
which had never been seen or beard,','
said a Joplin printer, who wag mixed
ii n tn the race at the opening, and se
cured a number of town lots at Paw
nee. "I remember a young fellow who
came down to Terry from Iowa and
staked out a nice corner lot. And, by
the way, merely staking out a claim
did not give one the complete right of
possession. "Sou had to sit down on It
and hold it fast, and the Iowa chap
was a stayer. He ate his meals on the
lot and rolled himself in a blanket
and slept on It at night. Unscrupulous
schemers were ever present, beating
the unwary out of their claims. But
the Iowa man hold his base aud played
"One night four men silently ap
proached the sleeper. They carried a
tent, a table and four seats. They
quietly erected the tent over the Iowa
man, got out a deck of cards and be
gan playing seven up," quotes the Jop
lin, Mo., Xews-IIerald. "The Iowa
man slept on. After awhile one of the
players gave him a poke In the ribs
with his foot. The man In the blanket
awoke, rubbed his eyes and stared
about Inquiringly, and In a very much
bewildered manner. "What the
are you doing here, young fellow?" de
manded the man who bad kicked him.
'Why-why I don't exactly know,'
faltered the I6wan, as he extricated
himself from tit blanket. 'I I must
have been walking in my sleep.' 'Right
sure yon ain't trying to steal this lot
from me? demanded the other, scowl
ing ft a threatening manner at the
Iowan. 'Xo, sir; I am not. I had no
tent or anything on my lot and I do
not wish to beat you out of this claim,'
'I believe you're lying to me, young fel
ler, an' I'm a great mind to fix you
right how, but I won't. If you .will
hold tip your right hand in the presence
of these three men and swear this is
not your lot and that you will not try
to claim It an' make trouble. I'll let
yon off tbls time. Some of you guys
are too tricky to live In this neigh
borhood, anyway. What do you say?'
" 'Gentlemen, I swear this is not my
lot and that I will make no claim ou it
whatever,' said the Iowau, with uplift
ed hand. 'That's enough. Xow hit the
grit.' The young man gathered up bis
blanket and departed. He sient the
rest of the night trying to find bis
choice corner lot. The day broke and
the sun arose, but he was yet unsuc
cessful In locating it. The men in the
tent threw up a shack, opened a saloon
and did a thriving buslnos on the cor
ner lot, aud In a few days the Iowan
traded bis Winchester for a lame mule
and sorrowfully rode out of the terri
The late Ignatius Donnelly was once
rudely Interrupted In the course of a
political speech by a head of cabbage
thrown from tho audience. "Gentle
men." be suld. mildly, "I only asked
your ears; l oon t care lor juui uu..
- . M Ac.
Years ago, when Bret uarte, iresu ,
from the Pacific slope, heard the list j
of famous men living at Cambridge, be j
said to Mr. Howells: "Why, you
couldu't fire a revolver from your front
porch anywhere without bringing down j
An Interesting story is being told of
Queen Alexandra, which is typical of
the woman. Some one ut Osborne ud
dressed her as "your majesty" the
day after Queen Victoria passed away.
"There cannot be two queens," she re
marked, adding that she wished to be
called "her royal highness" until after
the funeral of Queen Victoria.
Two rival manufacturers of French
coffee met before a judge. The latter
took up one of the contestants' empty
tins, and said: "1 do not consider Oils
an honest label. Ou the frout you
place In lnrge letters, 'Pure French
Coffee,' aud on the back lu smnll let-
ters-in very small letters-you print.
'A Compound of Chicory,' etc." Tho
person thus addressed mused for a mo
ment Then ho said, quite meekly:
"But will your lordship kindly explain
to the jury by what means you distin
guish between the front and tne duck
of a round tin?"
Queen Victoria was fortunate in hav
ing as ber first prime minister and con
stitutional tutor iu one, Lord Mel
bourne. That statesman's profanity
characterisitc of the age when every
body damned everybody's eyes and
other personal peculiarities have loom
ed so large In story and legend as to
obscure the real sagacity and accom
plishments of the man. Perhaps his
sharpest collision with ber was on the
point of the title which her husband,
Prince Albert, was to lie given, ine
Queeu strongly wished tne prince to no
made king consort by act of Parlia
ment. Melbourne evaded the issue as
long as possible, but her majesty finally
insisted upon a categorical answer, i
thought it my duty to be very plain
with ber," said the premier afterward;
I said, 'For God's sake, let's hear no
more of it, ma'am; for If you once get
the English people Into the way of
making kings, you will get them Into
the way of unmaking them.' "
One night Hon. William D. Faulkc,
In n speech before a small meeting in
Indiana, when James 1). Williams and
Benjamin Harrison were opposing can
didates for the governorship, related
the following story: "Mr.' Williams,
who was then a member of Congress.
was one day washing his hands at one
of the lavatories In the Capitol, when
an attendant handed blm three towels.
He sighed at such wanton extrava
gance, and exclaimed: 'Why, down at
my farm I make a single towel lust the
whole family a week.' " In the East this
was considered a good story, but Mr.
Faulke was astonished to see that there
was not a smile upon any of the faces
before him; indeed, the countenances
took on even a deeper gloom.. On his
way home, as they drove through the
woods, his companion said to him
"You didn't make a great hit with your
story about 'Blue, Jeans" family
towel." "Xo, I didn't seem to." "Do
you know wliy?" "Xo." "Well, I'll
tell you. There wasn't a farmer in that
crowd that hadn't done the same thing
Big Price for Old Carpets.
When a carpet gets to be half a cen
tury or more old you usually expect to
be able to pick it up for a song per
haps a song of a few. sixpences In some
second-hand shop, but sometimes you
will find yourself mistaken, which
would have been the case had you been
at a recent second-hand carpet sate In
Lisbon. Two 'carpets sold there were
four aud a half centuries old, and yet
they were not bought for rags. They
were carpets presented by the Infanta
Donna Sancha to the Royal Convent of
St. Antonio, in 1D00. and were put up at
auction to raise money with which to
repair the convent. French and Ger
man bidders were the most anxious,
and the carpets were started at $4,400.
A Frenchman, finally got them for ?8,
500, and was congratulated on his bar
gain. Languages Spoken by Army Oiticers.
The Army and Xavy Journal states
that 304 commissioned officers of the
regular army -speak Spanish fluently,
and that most of these are serving in
the Philippines and the -West Indes.
About as many more omcers possess a
limited knowledge of Spanish. French
la spoken by 224 officers, German
by 136, the language of the
American . Indians by 1.3, Ital
ian by 3, Swedish and Xorwegian
by 4, and Tagalog by 5. Chinese. Jap
anese, Eskimo,' Dutch, Hungarian,
Portuguese, and Polish are also spoken
by some of our army officers.
Tulips are.cultivated In Constantino
ple, and there Is a tulip festival there
once a year In spring. Every palace,
room, gallery aud garden is decorated
with tulip-, of every kind. At night
they are all lighted by colored lamps
and Bengal fires, and the Sultan sits Id
their midst, while women sing around
him and bis odalisques dance before
J,KT US ALL LAUGH.
JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA
Pleanint Incident Occurring the
World Over-Hayliiga that Are Cheer
ful to Old or Young-Funny Selec
tion that You Will Knjoy.
"I am sinking for the thiril time!"
shrieked the woman In the water.
"Are you positive of this'" asked the
youth who was waiting to rescue ber,
illy concealing his anxiety the while.
"Oh, quite!" the woman protested.
"For I am at this moment dlstlnetly
recalling everything in my past life. 1
remember the real color of my hair as
If it were but yesterday that I "
"Say no more!" cried the youth plung
ing forthwith into the Icy flood.
The spectators cheered wildly, for
never in their lives had they seen the
thtnsr more eraeefull.v done. -Detroit
Farmer How much for a room?
Clerk -Two dollars up.
Farmer What kind o' talk Is that?
. our ,u, ga y two (,oI!..g
Stage Manager Xow
listen to me a moment.
Barnes Stormer (the
Stage Manager When the heroine
... A ft, !,..-
snvs to von. "1)0 vour worst; wmi
doesn't menu to act that way.
A New Commandment.
Teacher How many commandment
Small Boy 'Leven.
Teacher Eleven! What Is the elev
Small Boy Keep off the grass.
Hie La t WorJ.
Spokesman Madam, we are a com
ml t tee from the volunteer lire depart
meut, of which your late lamented bus
band was the respected chief, and w
called to express our sympathy.
Widow Oh, it's so kind and good of
you. 1 know lienry was tiiinKing or
you when lie passed away, for Just be
fore the end came he rose up in bed
with a far-off look In his eyes, and
shouted: "Turn in a second alarm! W
cnu't handle this fire without help!"
Cover Too Much Groen'.
Binks Jinks is continually telling m
what a lucky fellow you are.
Kinks Yes; but I don't like he wa
he expresses It. Every time he meet
me he says: "Klnks you're a luck
man. lou don t seem to have any
thing on your mind ut all." Indianap
The First Habv.
A woman's first baby Is a heavenly
visitant to her, a toy to her husband,
nuisance to the neighbors, and a living
to the doctor. New York Press.
Out of the Mouth? of Kubes.
"Oh, mamma!" exclaimed littl
Edith on her return from the show.
saw. an elephant, and be walks back
ward and eats with his tail!"
" - Van iu ar Fare.
Street car conductors are never beau
tlful. In fact, they are not even pass
lug fare Philadelphia Record.
He Would Know.
She Papa has an absurd notion that
you have money.
He I suppose we would better It:
him think so.
She Y'es, but we've got to get ma
ried some time.
Cause and F.ffect.
' Teacher Little boys will be punished
if they tell lies.
Small Boy Not If they don't git
k etc bed.
A Domestic Orphan.
"Are you glad your pa Is In politics,
"Oh, I don't mind pa go!n' in but
ma she's gone In, too."
Mrs. Pettit Whenever I express a
desire for anything my husband never
Mrs. Ig. Nord Same with me. T can
express the desire as often as I please.
It never disturbs him. Philadelphia
Press. - .
Oman Chiefly Coneerne I.
"You won't touch that cake!" his
wife tearfully exclaimed. "And I
made it on purpose to please you. You
have no heart!" '
"Perhaps not, Maria," replied the
dyspeptic husband, with a weary sigh.
"But I am painfully conscious of my
liver." Chicago Tribune.
Income and Ontgre.
"Gramma, pa costs me a n'awful lot."
"Why, gramma, when I'm good all
day he gives me a penny, an' when I'm
bad I have to give blm a penny,"
"What kind of pictures would you
hang in a dining room?"
"Well, I'd draw the line on paintings
of beef on the hoof and on still life
studies in tanned truck."
5 The Attraction. J
Nell Why did Miss Bargainsales re
ject Mr. Bjones when be was rich and
then marry him after he had lost all
Belle I suppose because he was so
terribly reduced. Philadelphia Record.
I ww?t tij eft a W y-y
The citizen looked helplessly at th
piles of drifted snow that lay on tho
sidewalk l:i front of bis bouse.
"What would you take to clean tula
ulk?" bo said, addressing the first
lan who came along.
"A shovel, sir," responded Mr, Uuf-
fon WruttH, Walking Delegate of Jew-
lers Union, Xo. 247, passing on.-Liu-
Out, my dear Tobias, remember that
you may die at any time."
"Die, did you say? Die.' l nut. s u
last thing I'll do."-Sondags Msse.
I'm afraid poor old Hlthard Is dono
for. Ills locomotor utaxia is too mucu
for blm at last."
What make of automobile Is that;
Rural Art Criticlem.
Impressionist Artlst-I paint things
as I see them.
Farmer Wayback (klndly)-Do ye,
naow! Don't ye think mat ineuiw
some liver medicine would do ye good?
An F.any Matter.
The reason some men don't get
along happily," said Mr. Meekton, "is
that they don't know bow to manage a
"You know this?" was the skeptical
Certainly. It Is the simplest tuing
In the world. All you have to uo is to
say 'yes' whenever she wants anything
and always let her have her own way."
"The new America u consul general
at Hongkong is named Kuuiee, ie-
niarked the Observant Boarder.
Rub Lee," repeated the Cross Eyed
Boarder; "how suggestive or wasnee-
washee!" Philadelphia North Ameri
Miss Beansby Perhaps you haven't
read all of Omar Khayyam?
Mrs. Torkchopp-Perhaps not. Has
be written anything recently I I ucu.
Hla Cuntomary Ptate.
"Your friend Tackey Is 'way off in
Honolulu now.'- Doesn't that surprise
"It does and It doesn't."
"Heard he. was going there, eh?"
"No, I didn't know he was iu Hon
olulu, but I knew be was 'way off even
when he was here." Philadelphia Rec
ord. Not Hiirrt to Suit.
Executive I would appoint your
man, but ho Is too ignorant for the jx
Heeler Den put blm on de
-But he Is so
full of nb-
Mother Never mind that, dear.
Your father was just the same before
I married blm. Brooklyn Life.
An Objectionable Word.
Weary What kind o' shavin' soa,i
does yer use?
DrearyDon't speak o' soap; yer Jat
"You trust me thoroughly, don't you,
"Of course, Edgar; but, tell me, are
the Installments on this diamond ring
all paid off?"
No Vernal Joy.
"I pity the rich."
"They know nothing of the joys of
spring, for they have lettuce the yeai
Little An tret.
"Does Bobby cry much?"
"No; he doesn't cry at all unless he
wants his own way alwut something."
Disgruntled and Umbrelluless Citi
zen You played thunder, didn't you, in
predicting fadr weather for to-day?
Weather Prophet Well, it is as fait
for one as it is for the other, isn't it 5
She How did you come to propose to
He Um er; I think I came In a
street car. I didn't have the price of a
cab. Detroit Free l'ress.
V1' R ;j
Itooscvelt Never Dodged Trouble.-
"When Theodore Roosevelt was a lit
tle boy he and a playmate used to walk
together to a private school," says the
Ladies' Home Journal. "Their way
took them past a public school. One
day young Teddy appeared In a new
sailor suit. This was too much for
the public school boys. To them the
suit was the distinguishing mark of a
'dude.' The sneering crowd planted
Itself across the sidewalk. Teddy and
his chum, seeing trouble ahead, came
ou with fists clenched, and the battle
began. A few minutes later the 'dude'
and his companion went on their way
somewhat less tidy than when they
started, but leaving behind them a tamed
and lame bunch of surprised boys. Fqr a
week there were dally fights with the
same results. One morning after- an .
especially hard battle, young Roose
velt said to his , friend: 'I.et'g go
around the block and come back1 to 0
fight 'em again." ' ' '''"
A small boy sometimes gets all the
caudy he can eat, btrt never all b
The man who lacks faith lu bis abil
ity seldom accomplishes anything. '