The Hood River glacier., April 12, 1901, Image 4

MOTHER SAYS " COME IN."
In memory still I plainly hear
My uiothfr calling: "Willie, dear
Come, Willie! Hurry in!"
In fancy I can see the door
Aid her there a ahe stood of yore,
And hear lier say: "Come In!"
In every gladdest hour of play
My Joys were, always swept away,
For mother ne'er forgot to nay
"Oh, Willie! Now come in!"
O It wan long ago that I
Obeyed that sweet, that fond old cry
Of "Willie dear, come In!"
And oh, I would that I could be
A child again, hack there, and aha
Remained to call me in!
Ah, when my cares are put away,
When I am through with toll and play,
Slinll I, up there, hear mother aay,
In loving tonea, "Come In?"
-Chicago Times-Herald.
ULIA I 'HI. MM had finished teach
jj lug her llrst country school. The
- last day had come aul gone, with
"pieces" by the brightest pupils. The
child wonder had lisped several verses
to the infinite delight of Its parents and
broken down lu the same place where
1t had been prompted twenty times be
fore. The fat girl -with a penchant for
the pathetic bad wrung the eyes of lier
listeners with her most dolorous selec
tion. The promising young man. a fa
vorite of the teacher's, had rendered
"Spartacus to the Gladiators" lu such
stentorian tones as to stampede aorae
passing cattle.
The parents had departed astonished
at the prodigious progress of every
body, and the scholars one by one bad
said goodby and disappeared through
the doorway.
The tall, smart-looking schoolma'am
was writing home to the folk In the
East. She was trying to put some of
the ludicrous things that had happened
Into her letter and leave out the home
sickness. It was no easy matter. For
six months she had thought of little
else but the nice, bookish people in her
dear college town In Massachusetts
and contrasted them with the frightful
specimen about her. Julia Prlrara was
well educated, having been reared la
a family where a knowledge of English
grammar was thought necessary to sal
vation. She packed up a few of the letters
from her mother to read during vaca
tion and started for the door. A mo-
WHAT, AARON, YOU HERB?"
ment's glance at the lengthening shad
ows told her she had lingered too long.
It was a dark, lonely walk to her
boarding house through the woods.
Though hot a timorous person, she
might have given way to a, shudder,
when she noticed her largest' pupil
waiting at the door.
"What, Aaron, you here?"
"Yes. I got a sort o' hankering af
ter the old spot," said the student of
the elements of English grammar, slip
plug her bundle of letters Into his ca
pacious pocket. "Fact Is, you've done
so much for me, I felt as ef I wanted
to ax ye somethln' the very worst way,
If you don't mind."
"Well, what Is It? There's no need
to le backward," she said, suspecting
nothing.
"I Jes' felt as ef I couldn't go home
till I "
Before the astounded teacher could
gather strength enough for an emphat
ic? "no" a kiss had descended upon her
thin, precise lips.,
"I didn't want to ruffle ye over
much," said Aaron, soothingly, "but I
reckoned you'd done so much for me
and you knewed I thought a heap of
you all along and couldn't help it."
She turned to leave abruptly without
a word of rebuke, but the woods were
too dark and threatening; plainly he
had selected the best time for his over
ture. "I thought you came' to school for
something else," was the meanest thing
she could think of to say.
"Well, I b'en tryin' to get all I could
get out o' school, and you can't blame
me ef I thought the schoolmarm was
the best thing I could get."
1 "I don't think you can explain your
conduct In that way," she said, but
nevertheless he continued:
No one appreciated better than Miss
rritnm his struggle with the rule of
three and the past participle. She had
encouraged his efforts and told him to
ask questions when In doubt. The lit
tle green arithmetic had been a sore
trial to him, but she shared his satisfac
tion completely when he mastered it.
Going to and from meeting he had
been her constant escort; It had never
occurred to her that he had any other
motive than a desire to learn. And now
It appeared that her efforts had been
largely In vain. Her own earnest pupil
had turned out a lover,.and she did not
know what to do with him. Never hav
ing played the coquette, she was at a
loss to know what answer to give to
his proposal, but perhaps her silence
was effective enough.
"Everybody knows I tried hard
enough to fit myself, but I jes' allowed
If I didn't marry an education some of
the fine points might escape met' Of
course I hain't given up tryin' I got a
heap mapped out for summer evenln's."
It was the teacher that answered:
"Nothing short of Latin and Greek
will do. I assure you, and then If you
are of the same mind "
"Oh. I never expect to change that,"
he said with determination, and if she
L4u't taken her letters very quietly
r rw
ilBf
TEXAS GIRL'S ZIG-ZAG CAREER
PUTS FICTION OV THE SHELF.
The dime novelist may now go out of
business. Here are the facts:
Elaine Sinclair, born lu a log cabin,
In Blanco County, Texas. Farm boys
fought about her before she was 13.
Trashy books gave her a longing for One
garments. She put on her brother'
clothes, took a gnu and waylaid the
slngo which had passed by her houso
every day since her birth. No suspicion
as to Elaine.
Several months after she returned
home, "dressed to kill." Her old mother
said Elaine had been visiting her rich
aunt, who died and left her money.
Son of rich banker In the country
Slocuin was his name married the girl.
Honeymoon In New Orleans. Bride
wanted to go abroad. Groom said no.
Bride taken 111. Groom's father, rich
old banker, comes on to see what's the
matter. Few day later son sent home; '
old man lingers; hypnotized by his
daughter-in-law. They elope to Europe.
One day daughter-in-law disappears
with young and handsome man.
Old man Slocum, nearly penniless,
works his way home on tramp steamer.
Amount alleged to have been spent by
Slocum pere, $10,000.
Six months later, Elaine returned to
Blanco County, Texas, her old home,
radiant In ribbons, dazzling with dia
monds, t
A few months later. In New Orleans
again. Cage Horn, pilot of Creole, and
also a high roller as a gambler, meets
her. Hypnotized. They travel up and
down the river.
One night she proposes a scheme to
Cage Horn. Steal the' boat and take
It Into other waters. She does it. Boat
slips her cables and gets away.' Beaches
and retreated to her boarding house, a
similar outbreak to that which com
menced their Journey might have occur
red. When left alone In her own room'
Julia gave herself up to reflection. Her
carefully formed plans for the future
were upset; her dearest anticipations
were dashed; her dream had been suc
ceeded by a reality which, something
told her, was much the best thing. All
during her school life she had been pre
paring for a career; there were many
bright spots In it. but it was unmixed
with sentiment. She would go West
and make a competence. This would
take about 'five years, and It meant
contact with a vastly different element
from that of her own quiet college
town but she would persevere.
There were lots of poor boys who
lacked mothers, there were sewing cir
cles that needed encouragement, she
might even indulge moderately In cats
and parrots, and, best of all, she would
found a missionary society to give
light to certain portions of the globe
that are said to be languishing In
heathen darkness.
But all this was Idle speculation now.
She was called to another sphere. She
must marry and settle down here In
the wilderness, where there was suffi
cient heathen darkness at home. The
classics would be more than useless,
culture would be superfluous, hard
work alone would tell. Her imagina
tion faltered while she dropped a bun
die of old letters and a mist came be
fore her eyes.
Days after she pondered the same
question. She had the letter already
written to her people, telling of her al
tered Intentions, but she hesitated to
mall it. After all, Aaron was very
young and Impulsive. Did he know
his own mind? Did she know hers?
Was It not her education he courted?
Vacation was rapidly passing. Julia
still clung fondly to her former career.
She was thinking constantly of Aaron,
but she never saw him and: seldom
heard from hlra. Feople at her board
ing house said he had changed; they
also said she had changed. She longed
to know something, but to ask would
surely create gossip. About this time
odd stories began to be current.
"What do you think?" said a neigh
bor. "Aaron Wood has chopped out
a shanty big enough for a meetin'
house. He raised the logs hlsself dur
ing harvest. What do you suppose
ails the feller?"
"Dunno," said another. "I found him
studyin' some nonsense he called
Greek. I guess he's a trifle addled. I
told him he'd better learn Choctaw
'twould be more use to him, and he
could make more out of It. He allowed
he'd make a heap out of Greek ef
things turned out right. I'll like to see
hlra do it."
The country looked Its best when
Julia set out for school on the first
day of the new term. The woods were
quite green, but here and there were
crimson splashes of autumn. The crops
were in, contentment reigned, and a
general desire was felt for more re
finement throughout the district.
But the spell of peacefulness and
plenty did not suffice to quiet the trou
bled soul of Julia rrlmm. For the first
time In life she was disposed to under
rate the classics. She could not en
dure the thought of Aaron's making
himself ridiculous even In the search
for knowledge, of being the sport of
these poor vrtta. Julia's conscience
was one easily disturbed. She felt
that she had been doing him a great
wrong. She did not want him to study
himself to death, but there was only
one way to prevent It.
When she reached the school Aaron
was already In his seat. He was busy
at work with more books than would
go Into his desk; strange books that
had never entered that school before.
She laid down her parasol and remov
ed her veil. His face was very red
and expectant. It was no longe the
boy who came early and swept out the
room the bright, eager, questioning
look had faded out of his countenance
he seemed almost middle-aged. In a
moment all doubt of his affection van
ished. "You mustn't study any more for
awhile," she said.
"Well, you know what I am study
ing for, don't you?"
"Yes; but you've studied enough for
that already."
o And that evening' she mailed the let
ter to her people. Waverly Magazine.
A scientist has discovered that house
cleaning U cat'sed by a microbe.
the Rio Grande and is repainted nnd
floated under the name of Elulne. For
weeks and weeks the voyages werelike
that which Cleopatra Is said to have
made on the Nile when she wove the
meshes alwut Anthony.
Weeks later. Alva I.ugo, Mexican
gambler, on board. Big game between
him and Cage Horn. Latter loses.
Finally puts up the boat nnd loses his
craft. Horn shoots himself and dies in
Elaine's lap.
Elaine In Guadalajara. Married to
rich old Don. Lives In a palace. Still
beautiful, still youthful, still a dream!
Enter rich Don's son. Hypnotized.
Elaine elopes with him. Old Don In hot
pursuit. Overtakes clours as they are
about to set sail for South America.
Elaine defiant. In chains; then In Jail,
In Guadalajara. Son escapes.
Here the facts run out
SENATE'S LITTLE GIANT.
Spooner of Wisconsin Said to Be a Pres
idential Possibility.'
The eyes of some of the political
prophets at Washington are on Senator
John C. Spooner, of Wisconsin. They
think he Is good presidential timber
and has an excellent chance of being
nominated In 1904. Spooner Is an in
teresting figure. He Is small of stature,
quiek and fiery In debate and one of the
most Independent men lu the Senate,
says a Washington writer. Nobody
controls Spooner but himself. He has
been the ablest and most eloquent de
fender of the present administration In
the great crisis of the last few years
and at the same time has shown the
most Independence. He threw down
the gauntlet to Senator Hanna and re
fused to regard the ship subsidy bill as
a party measure.
Spooner Is called the llttlo giant of
debate In the Senate. He does not
speak often. He Is reserved for emer
gencies and when he speaks there is a
full Senate to hear him. He has all the
attributes of the orator, and, coupled
with these, all the methods of a great
lawyer. These combined make him the
most invulnerable debater In the Sen
ate. He has the fire of Tillman and the
culture of Lodge, the quiet wit of
Mason and the profundity of Hoar; the
eloquence of Depew or Foraker and the
JOHN C. BPO0XKB.
exactness of statement of liatt, of Con
necticut, or Hale, of Maine. In debate
he combines all the qualities of all the
other forcible men In the Senate and
with all these attributes he has more
Independence than most of them. The
administration counsels with Spoouer,
but does not always win him to Its
measures. When there are differences
of opinion, he holds to his own.
Spooner Is an Indianlan by birth, but
has been a resident of Wisconsin since
1859. He was educated there, enlisted
In the Union army there, carried a mus
ket In the ranks, and afterwards com
manded a company In a Wisconsin regi
ment; was brevetted major at the close
of service and became private and mili
tary secretary to Governor Fairchild.
He began his law practice in the Wis
consin woods, at Hudson, was elected
to the Legislature, and after that was
known only as a promising lawyer until
he was elected to the United States Sen
ate In 1885. He attracted attention in
the Senate as an orator in his eulogy In
memory of the "Black Eagle of Illi
nois" when Senator John A. Logan
died. That eulogy stamped Spooner as
one of the men of rare eloquence In the
American Congress, and he has not dis
appointed his admirers since, whether
he spoke from the heart deep senti
ments or took up the grave and intri
cate discussion of constitutional rights
or International law. He has neither
the commanding presence nor the full
volume of voice given to other men who
measure words with him In debate, but
his speech commands by reason of the
great thoughts clothed in graceful lan
guage, the sound logic, and the knowl
edge of law at his command.
Up-to-Date.
Poeticus I have here a companion
poem to "The Man with the Hoe."
Editor-What Is It called?
roeticus "The Woman with the Ax."
and I've dedicated It to Mrs. Nation.
Chicago Chronicle.
nips-
"CALAMITY JANE."
ONE OF THE REMARKABLE WO
MEN OF THE WEST.
Female, in Sea, but a Man In Employ
ment and Association Noted Char
acter Will i;nd Her Day in a Moo
taua I'oorhouse.
"Culamlty Jane" has sougUt an asy
lum lu the poorUouse of Gallatin Coun
ty, Mont. As a child of the frontier, an
army scout lu the disguise of a man, a
dispatch bearer through a country
swarming with a cunulug enemy, an
Indian tighter feared by the redskins,
a mail carrier in the Black Hills, a free
rover among the rough characters of
the border, a woman Ju sex but a man
In employment mid as.soclation, "Ca
lamity Jane's" life puts the Imagination
of the novelist to blush Her adven
tures hae been the base of a familiar
character of the dime novel, but the
lurid pen of the yellow writer has con
cocted no more desperate exploit than
actually fell to the lot of this remark
able woman.
In private life "Calamity Jane" Is
Mrs. Martlia Burk. She owes her nick-
jname to Captain Eagau, of the United
States army, whose life she saved In a
battle with Indians In 1872. She was
I then only "JO years old, but was already
acting as a scout. This Is her own
story of the Incident:
"I was serving under Captain Eagnn,
and while near Goose Creek on the site
of the present town of Sheridan, Wyo.,
we had a three-day skirmish. We lost
six men killed and several wounded.
Then our detachment was ambushed
about a mile from camp. Captain
CALAMITY- JANE.
Eagan was one of the first to be shot
during the fight that followel, and, hap
pening to be near him, I was able to
reach his side In time to prevent him
from falling from his horse. I man
aged to get him on my horse, in front
of me. and made a dash for camp,
which we reached safely. After recov
ering from his wound Captain Eagan
laughingly called me 'Calamity Jane,
the heroiue of the plains,' and the name
has stuck to me through life."
Mrs. Burk was born In I'rluceton,
Mo., in IfsC Her father, J. Cauuary,
was lured to Montana in 1805 by the
hope of "striking it rich" lu the new
gold, fields. During tho five months'
trip overland Martha became an expert
rltle shot and a daring rider. Shortly
after the family reached Moutaua the
mother died, and the father, being dis
appointed, decided to return to Mis
souri. At Salt Lake City he too died,
leaving four younger children to the
care of Martha, then but 15 years old.
Employment was found for her at Fort
Bridge, Wyo., and she continued to ride
and shoot until her reputation became
widespread.
Her association with the soldiers
filled her with a longing to go on the
warpath agaiust the Indians, and when
General Custer was ordered lu 1870 to
make a campaign against the Apaches
in Arizona she decided to put a desper
ate plan Into execution. She put on the
suit of a cowboy, clipped a little off the
end of her hair, rode to Fort Russell,
Wyo., and boldly asked to be engaged
is a scout. She was accepted and,
though her sex was soon discovered,
General Custer let her off with a scold
ing. She pleaded to be retained, and,
as she had proved her ability, she was
retained in the service and continued
to wear man's clothing.
It was a thrilling campaign, In which
she performed a number of daring mis
sions and had several narrow escapes.
Only ouce did she despair of her life.
She had been trapped by two Indians,
but her markmanship enabled her to
kill one of them aud escape. From the
Apache campaign she went back to
Wyoming to Join the expedition uuder
Custer, Miles and Crook. She fought In
the campaign against the Nez Forces
In 1873, and was in various minor en
gagements In Montana and Wyoming
luring the following year. She accom
panied General Crook as a scout In
1875 In the expedition to the Black
Hills to protect the miners and settlers
from the threatening Sioux.
The ill-fated year 187G found the fe
male soldier with Custer, Miles and
Terry in the Big Horn country hnorth
wn Wyoming, where the Indians were
creating trouble. It was In this cam
paign that "Calamity Jane" performed
i perilous feat of carrying dispatches
through a hostile country. The seasoD
was cold and wet, and she had to ford
the Platte River near Fort Fetterman.
The exposure brought on pneumonia.
She was granted an Indefinite furlough,
which may have served her life, for a
few months later occurred the Custer
massacre.
Her next employment was as United
States mail carrier on the dangerous
route between Deadwood and Custer.
It was during this period that William
tlickok ("Wild Bill") was assassinated
by Jack McCall, a notorious desperado.
"Calamity Jane" Joined the posse In
pursuit of the murderer, and when he
was cornered In. a butcher shop she
brought him to bay with a cleaver. Her
love for army life took her back into
the service, and she was assigned to
the Seventh Cavalry. She helped to
build Fort Mead, S. D., and In 1S7S was
1
honorably dlsCarged. Resuming petti
coats, she settled on a ranch near Mllea
City, Mont., but has since wandered
about from place to place In the West.
In 1881 she married Clinton Burk at KI
Paso, by whom ahe had a daughter In
1SS0. The husband died in 1805. Mrt.
Bulk's ambition then was to give her
daughter a good education. Though
only 50 years of age, "Cahmlty Jane"
bears the scars of a dozen bullets, and
the hardships of her life have broken
her down. For severnl yean past ahe
gained a livelihood by selling a book of
her adventures.
SPEED OF AN EARTHQUAKE.
Preliminary Tremor Travel at Rata
of 343 Mile, a Minute.
Speaking of tho Indian earthquake
of 1897, a London scientist says the vi
brations traveled to Europe, where they
were recorded at very many stations,
and no doubt would have been equally
well recorded atmany otherplacesonthe
surface of our world bad there been
provided suitable Instruments. The
preliminary tremors, which are prob
ably wave of compression, traveled
through the world to reach Italy and
other countries with an average rate of
315 miles a minute, or 9 kilometers a
second a rate which, It will be ob
served, is higher than that at which
similar movements can be transmitted
through glass or sjeel. The large waves,
which are probably quasi-elastic gravi
tation waves, by traveling over the sur
face of the earth, reached Europe at a
rate of 113 miles a minute, or -.US kilo
meters second.
It Is likely that these latter disturb
ances reached stations In Europe by
traveling from their origin In two direc
tions round the, world. As an Indica
tion of this, we are told that at several
of the European stations slight undula
tions are to be seen on the seismograiiis
at times we should expect to find such
markings, had they traveled from India
to Europe by the longest possible route.
From the periodof these waves, which Is
taken at twenty-two seconds, and their
velocity, their length may be Inferred,
an estimate of which Is thirty-four
miles; while tlielr height, as deducted
from their length, and the maximum
angle of tilting, Is estimated at twenty
Inches.
The slowness of the movement was
such that they could not be felt, while
the magnitude was such that the unaid
ed eye of an observer would not be
able to recognize any differential move
ments In his surroundings. The large
ness of these disturbances and their
great duration, extending over several
hours, preclude them from the category
of tremors, vibrations or mlcroscisms.
Pittsburg Dispatch.
Coaching for Ills Conversation.
As an overgrown boy for I was six
feet tall nt fourteen I had experienced
all tho agonies of bnshfulness In the
society of the other sex, though greatly
attracted to It, says Col. Hlgginson. I
find It difficult to convince my associ
ates of later years that I then hnbltu
ally sat mute while others chattered.
A word or two of remonstrance from
my mother had In a single day correct
ed this during my senior year, so far as
the family table was coneerued, and
this emboldened me to try the experi
ment on a wider field. I said to my
self, thinking of other young men who
made themselves quite agreeable:
"These youths are not your superiors
perhaps In the recitation room or the
playground hardly your equals. Why
not cope with them elsewhere?" Thus
Influenced, I conquered myself In a
single evening nnd lost my shyness for
ever. The process was unique, so fur
as I know, and I have often recom
mended It to shy young men.
Being Invited to a small party, I
considered beforehand what young la
dles would probably be there. With
each one I had, of course, something In
common kinship, or neighborhood, or
favorite pursuit. This would do, I rea
soned, for a starting point. So I put
down on a small sheet of paper what I
would say to each, if I happened to be
near lier. It worked like n charm. I
found myself chatting away the whole
evening, and heard the next day that
everybody was surprised at the trans
formation. I have to this day the little
bit of magic paper, on which I after
ward underscored, before sleeping, the
points actually used.
Heroes Buried by Night.
One of the most romantic burials In
history was that of Alarlc, the king of
the West Goths, who, invaded Italy,
captured nnd sacked Rome Aug. 24,
410. After this success he was prepar
ing to carry his arms into Sicily, when
he died suddenly at Cosentia, Italy.
His soldiers buried him In the bed of
the River Buscnto, after turning the
water into another channel. With him
was interred great treasure and the
digging was done by prisoners who
afterward were put to death that the
exact spot might remain unknown.
Another Roman conqueror, Attlla the
Hun, was buried in 453 A. D. In the
midst of a plain. His body was In
closed in three coffins the first of gold,
the second of silver, the third and outer
of iron. He, like Alarlc, was sur
rounded by great treasure and buried
by prisoners who were afterward
killed.
A third secret and romantic burial
was that of the Spanish explorer, Fer
nando de Soto, the discoverer of the
Mississippi River. Shortly after find
ing the river he died of malarial fever,
and to keep his body from falling Into
the hands of the savages It was placed
In a renin, which at midnight was
taken to the middle of the great stream
and sunk. Woman's Home Compan
ion. Superstitions as to Rattlesnakes.
The American Indian believes the
rattlesnake to possess occult virtues,
and quite a number of whites sem to
have been converted to the same opin
ion. The sale of rattlesnake oil for
rhuematisra and neuralgia has grown
steadily from the humblest beginning,
and Is to-day a small but profitable In
dustry. In some parts of Maine and
New Brunswick neckties made of rattle
snake skins are employed as a specific
for bad coughs and colds, aud the rattle
is used by believers In voodoo of the
southland as a charm agaiust bad luck.
Take an honest invoice of yourself
at least once a year; no man ever helped
himself by over-estimating his ability.
The failure of one mam Is often the
beginning of another man's success.
OUR BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DO
INGS HERE AND THERE.
Jokcaand Jokelete that Ara8uppoacl
to Have Ileen Keccntly Morn Bay lug
and Doing that Arc Old, Curioaa and
Laugbable-The Week' Humor.
"Judy and I got Into a terrible tangle
shopping to-day."
"How?"
"I owed her 10 cents, and borrowed 5
cents and then 50 cents."
"Well?"
"Then I paid her 30 cents for some
thing she bought "
"Yes?"
"And she paid 40 cents for something
I bought, and then wn treated each
other to lee-cream soda."
"Well?"
"She says I still owe her a nickel."
Keciproral Devotion,
He Mrs. Cashley has all the money,
yet she and her husband seem to be
perfectly In harmony.
She They are, too. He's watching
all the time to get a chance to spend her
money, and she's watching him all the
time to keep him from It."
How He Descended.
Mr. Hod O'Hooly Shure an' I'm dis
clndld from some of th' greatest houses
In Ireland.
Widow Bid Brady Shure ye have
on a laddher.
A Protective Disclaimer.
"Well, my man, I suppose you will
saw a little wood to pay for your din
ner?" "No'm. I'm no wood-sawyer, mum;
trimniin' trees rubber trees, mum, Is
my trade."
Standing- in Hi Own Light.
'Til never give you up, Miss Per
kinsnever." "That's it, Mr. Hopkins; I'd be afraid
to marry such a determined, obstinate
man as you are."
He Didn't Notice.
First Burglar How many rooms wuz
dey in dat house you cracked?
Second Burglar I dunno. I wuz only
Interested in the haul. Baltimore
American.
Source of Anguish.
"Huh! I wouldn't cry s' hard Jes'
'cause teacher licked me!"
"I ain't cryiu' 'cause teacher licked
me; I'm cryin' 'cause I ain't big enough
to lick him."
True Economy.
Friend Why do you wear those fear
fully old-fashioned collars?
Winkers (a man of affairs) Because
when the washerwoman sends them to
anybody else they send them back.
New York Weekly.
Antiquated. ;
"More new gowns!" he cried.
"Why, yes," she answered sweetly.
"All of mine are last century style."
Philadelphia North American.
Not Yet Transformed.
Nell She's a blonde, isn't she?
Belle Not yet, but she's Just dying
to be one. Cincinnati Enquirer.
A Mean Scheme.
Hicks Can you change a twenty-dollar
bill?
Wicks (thoughtlessly) I guess so.
Hicks Then lend me five. Soanmer
Vllle Journal.
In a Bnardlng-Honae,
f The Professor If you blease! Take
up vake up!
Voice from Next Room (sleepily)
What'n thunder's matter?
The Professor It Is mine vlsh dot
Ten you schnore, you would sehnore in
der same key vat der key is vat I May
In. Y'ou vas schnoriug In G flat und It
spoils mine music, by golly, alretty!
Dislllmionel.
Cholly Smasher Come, dearest, leave
the stage aud iutrust your sweet young
life to me.
Miss Makeup Thank you, my boy; I
have a good home with my married
daughter. Ohio State Journal.
How Hhe Knew.
"That horrid Maud has been gossip
ing about me."
"Why, how do you know?"
"She kissed me twice when we met
to-day." Fllegende Blaetter.
They Made the Crowd.
"What's all that crowd of women
over there at Bargen's?"
"Shoppers who read Bargen's 'ad.' "
. "But that's an unusually large crowd
for so early in the morning."
"I know, but "the 'ad' said: 'Come
early and avoid the crowd!" Catholic
Standard and Times.
A Difficulty KemoTcd.
"Dicket, when you divided those five
caramels with little sister did you give
her three?
"No, ma. I guessed they wouldn't
come out even so I et one 'fore I be
ffufl, to divide." Puck.
a mm
mm
'
Just lier Way.
Jack Well, then, since yon have
broken off the engagement, suppose you
give me back the ring.
Julia Eli you see, Jack, er Mr. Do
Trow, Eve become very much attached
to this ring; It Just suits me. So w hen
Tom Gettliere proposed last night 1 told
him I didn't want a new ring, but that
lie could see you and pay you what thi
cost you. Philadelphia Press.
His Trouble,
First Rabbit My friend Longyear U
trying to think out a method by which
we can overcome our natural timidity."
Second Rabbit-Indeed! What suc
cess has he had?
First Rabbit Not very much. You
see, Just when he begins to meditate
he's apt to hear some noise and it gels
him rattled. Puck.
The Hest Preserver.
Customer I want to get something
that will preserve wood.
New Clerk Yes, sir, here's Just the
thing you want.
Customer Nouseuse! That's a pad
lock. New Clerk-Yes, sir. Put that on your
woodshed door and no thief will ever
get ln.-Phlladelphla Press.
Physically, Not r Inaiiclull v.
"Harold," began the homely Mis
Goldrox, "of com se you know that fath
er has failed "
"Ah, really, Miss Goldrox, I must ask
you to " 1
"Why, you must have noticed how
much he has failed. The doctor says
his death Is ouly "
"As I was saying, Miss Goldrox
Mabel I must ask you to let me com
fort you lu your approaching bereave
ment." Catholic Standard and Times.
Insinuation Kepelled.
"Are you going to cut any figure in
that new scheme for rapid transit that's
coming up In a few weeks?" asked one
of his political associates.
"No, sir!" indignantly answered the
Alderman from the 'Steenth Ward.
"My figure is going to be as high as
anybody else's, b' gursh!" Chicago
Tribune.
An ICxcuse.
The Count Dear me, Baron, your
face! Duelling again, at your age aud
so recently married?
The Baron Ach, no! It Is my Ameri
can wife. She makes me eat with a
fork! Life.
Very Disastrous.
She Were you ever In a railroad dis
aster? He Yes. I once ki.sseil the wrong girl
lu a tunnel. Chicago Chronicle.
In the Maine Woods.
Guide What luck to-day?
Other Guide Good luck. My man
shot at six different marks and no bul
let come closter ter me than four
Inches, by hookey!
A Feeble Imitation.
"Bodkins isn't a genuine society
man."
"Why not?"
"He takes cold every time he wears
his dress suit." Chicago Record.
A Had Drenk.
Miss Swelltop Our piano Is some
what in need of tuning, but will you not
pbiy for us, Count?
Count Spolatro (absent miudedly)
Weeza pleasure. Where essa do ban-dle?-rhiladelphiaTlmes.
All Off.
Tom So your engagement with May
Is broken. I thought she fairly doted
on you.
Dick So she did, but her father was
a powerful antl-dote. St Louis Re
public. The Proper 'thing.'
Mistress I hope I didn't disturb you
and your lover when I went Into the
kitchen last night?
Cook Not at all, mum! 01 told him
you was my chappyrone! Puck.
Limitations.
First Cavalier The King can. do no
wrong!
Second Cavalier Ah, yes! And what
a wearisome life a King's nwst be, to
be sure!'- Puck.
Differeu .
Brlggs I hear you have been oper
ating in Wall street.
Griggs A great mistake. I've been
operated upon. Harper's Bazar.
A Benefactor of His Kind.
A bright-eyed but ragged urchin en
tered tho shop of a tobacconist with
the Intention of getting a light for the
stump of a cigar, but there was no gas
Jet to be seen.
"I say, mister, give us a light."
"We sell lights, sonny."
"Well, sell us one," and lie placed
down his last halfpenny on the counter,
for which he received a box of matches,
and having secured a light offered the
box to the tobacconist, saying:
'Tut them on the Rhelf, mister, anil
the next gent as asks for a light, give
him one o' mine."
Odd Duty of Hanoverian Firemen.
In Hanover the fire brigade has sel
dom to extinguish a fire; so It Is now
required that the wearers of the regula
tion helmet shall attend to accidents
aud suddness illness in the public
streets. For instance. If an old lady
feels faint under the burdens of her
winter finery, she has but to attract tue
attention of the nearest policeman, who
In his turn telephones for the fire
brigade, which promptly turns up in a
eaniaee aud four.