The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, March 22, 1901, Image 4

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J. Plerpont Morgan, the now Industrial
king of the United Stated. ha risen to
suddenly Into that position that It will
be some fillip In-fore the public gcml'iilly
will be able rightly to associate him with
tin1 power lie really possesses. Mr. Mur
Kil ii'h iiiiiih- IlllH been no long U 11)1 inti
mately connected with banking tluit the
old association will cling evil) ill spite
of hlit recent stupendous operations In
railroad and IiIh just completed aeiiiisi
1 1on. fur himself and hia capitalist part
nera, of the huge ateel industries hitherto
In the control of Andrew Carnegie. Hut
Mr. Morgan has long hcen an important
figure In the steel business, even if Mr.
Carnegie' prime position In that Held has
Nerved to obscure his rival's prominence.
Hereafter the name of Morgan will con
note railway empire in America and the
mighty grind of iron anil steel mills.
The new industrial ruler is a native of
Hartford, Conn. His father, James Mor
gan, was a farmer boy who became a
New Knglnnd banker. The aon was edu
cated In Itoaton and In Germany and at
the death of his father inherited a for
tune of about $l),n,0'K). These figures
represented the Morgan equity In the
banking house of J. H. Morgan & Co. of
London and of Drexcl, Morgan & Co. of
New York. Pierpont Morgan married
Miss Frances Tracy. He has three chil
dren, Louisa and Annie and J. I'ierpont,
Jr., who attends to the business of the
banking houses abroad. As an example
of business capacity of a remarkable
kind, Mr. Morgan Is unparalleled. No
great mental product of modern Industry
can approach him. He is as capable as
any of the Rothschilds in the money line
and his recent achievements as an indus
trial organizer surpass any similar feats
performed by other operators in this
country or abroad. Numerous organizers
necessarily did much preparatory work.
After the din of the battle's roar.
Just at the close of day,
Wounded and bleeding upon the field,
Two dying soldiers lay.
One held a ringlet of thin gray hair,
One held a lock of brown,
Bidding each other a last farewell,
Just as the sun went down.
One thought of mother, at home alone,
Feeble and old and gray;
One of the sweetheart he left In town,
Happy and young and gay.
One kissed a ringlet of thin gray hair,
One kissed a lock of brown;
Bidding farewell to the Stars and Stripes
Just as the sun went down.
One knew the Joys of a mother's love.
One of a sweetheart fair;
Thinking of home, they lay side by side,
Breathing a farewell prayer,
One for the mother so old and gray,
One for his lovo' lu town,
They closed their eyes to earth and skies
Just as the sun went down.
BESIDE a French window la a
deep armchair sat a woman. It
was evening, and a drizzling rain
dampened the .pane, but the woman
stured straight ahead into the dark
ness and seemed unconscious of the
Immediate environments. Noue who
knew her had ever sees her face lose
Its sweet placidity, nor had they heard
her words make a discord in the music
of speech. She passed among her fellow-creatures
dropping bits of sun
shine here and there as she went her
way, looking toward the mysterious
And now, as she sat there nloue, a
great calm fell over her, for the mission
which she hod long sought had at last
come Into her life. What should she
do? The woman's eyes closed and she
leaned her head back against the vel
vet cushions of the clinlr. The ideal
outlines of a face formed themselves
on the curtain of her Imagination a
face neither handsome nor Imposing In
appearance, but with coldly critical
blue eyes and a sensitive tightening of
the lips: a fce one could love for his
frank boyishness. The blue eyes stall
ed Into the eyes of the woman, and she
sighed over her mission because the
face was there.
"Heaven give me strength," she mur
mured, an alien passion stealing over
her face; "It Is for him for him."
Did she not see the sudden swinging
aside of the door curtains, nor hear
the confident stride across the, thresh
old? There was a pause, followed by a
deep-voiced ejaculation of Impatience
as some one stumbled over a chair.
The woman rose noiselessly and lighted
the gas then smiled as the glare fell
on the young man standing before her
with bis hands thrust deeply in his
"1 beg pardon, Evelyn." he burst out.
laughing good-naturedly as his hand
clasped hers. "What are you doing
alone In this gloom? Don't I bring
sunshine enough with me without yon
lightening up as I enter?" He threw
himself Into a chair. "What a night'.
Gloomy as the hours of midnight. I
have the blues. Evelyn may I tell you
all my troubles?"
Evelyn Westland gazed down on the
boyish face with strange wlstfulness.
TIm five years which divided their lives
AS H '&i1SsiMm
but the big achievements are his. The
figures representing the wealth his mind
directs in the railroad field are so vast as
to be Inconceivable. A row of ten figures
will nlonti describe them in numbers of
The Morgans were early associated
with the Vanderbllts lu the upbuilding
ami extension of the New York Central
properties. In this work It was the mas
ter intellect of J. I'ierpont Morgan which
deftly manipulated those vast properties
and brought them to their present effi
ciency. The name which was associated
with them was the name of Vanderbilt,
but the mind that mastered the giant
problems was the mind of Morgan.
Among the confwte results of Mr. Mor
gan's Intellectual labors have been the
reorganization of the Buffalo and the
West Shore, and its lease to the New
York Central; the reorganization of the
Chesapeake and Ohio; the rearrangement
of the Great Southern and the reorgan
ization of the Erie, and his influence has
seemed like a gulf to her Just then; he
was In his prime, while she she kuew
the sorrows of the world by heart. As
he glanced up, she smiled and shook
her head. "I am ready to listen, Sever
ance; what has life been bringing to
you? Sadness? It seems Impossible,
you have such a bright way of looking
at care."
Severance Cauldjer sighed. "You have
been a good friend to me, Evelyn," be
said, thoughtfully.
"And why shouldn't I be?"
"Why? Because I am wayward and
careless and hot-headed; because I
wound you In a thousand nameless
ways when I don't mean to; because
you are good and sweet, and I am wick
ed and restless." He siioke fervently,
but Evelyn only crossed over and laid
her hand upon his arm.
"Hush; you speak foolishly. Tell nie
your cares, and let us leave your mis
erable points out of the question,"
smiling down Into his serious eyes.
"Do you know, only once In a man's
life does he reach the stage of self
criticism that is when he Is in love.
You see, I have guessed your secret;
nh, Severance, I guessed It long since,
only you were afraid to trust nie with
it. Am I right?"
"You are right!"
What had come over the world Just
blacker than ever before. She felt
then? To Evelyn It looked colder and
blacker than ever before. She felt the
blood slowly go from her face, and a
chill grip seemed to seize her heart.
Ho In love! The boy friend who bad
always made her his confidante. His
heart was no longer free to tell her Its
trials, and yet she bad no right to be
Jealous of the little bits of exchanged
confidence. She was only a friend to
him and to ber he was
"A woman is a good guesser," ohe
said, still smiling, though her lips were
white. "Come over here by the win
dow where you can be more comforta
ble; now, I am ready to listen."
ller voice was guarded, even as her
eyes were in the light. Caulder glaue
ed over to her and looked intently at
her face for several minutes.
"It has crept upon me unawares."
he began slowly, "and yet I might have
known in time to prevent It."
Evelyn bent forward. "Is It so un
happy?" - -
He laughed bitterly unlike the
frank, free-hearted boy of yesterday.
"Unhappy? I do not know. I am
wretched; 1 feel so lonely. Evelyn."
"Oh. Severance!" There was a tre
mor In her voice. Even In that hour
a black shadow passed over her heart.
All the sunshine went out of her life
1 and she wondered if ber loneliness was
not deeper than his.
"what else havr tou to sat?"
been felt by the Pacific system. Borne of
the achievements which he made inci
dents to his money and railroad business
are the present efficiency of the Chins
and Japan carrying trade, the consolida
tion of the Western Union Telegraph and
the Amerlcau Bell Telephone companies,
the combination of the coffin producing
and steel industries, and his launching of
the new Edison process of magnetic iron
ore separation. Mr. Morgan is fond of
the good things of life, although his most
intense pleasures are derived from the
exercise of his functions as a business
man. He scatters wealth among chari
ties with a lavish hand. He likes tine
paintings and rare books. He has a copy
of the great folio Shakspearu of l(ii,
and a Mazarin Bible. He is a good
church member, smokes expensive cigars,
likes steam yachts, good dogs, fine
horses, and, In short, by no means spends
all his time dreaming of new combina
tions in business or of the price of money
in the great markets of the world.
"You you are angry with me." tin
boy exclaimed, half passionately; "yoj
think I am foolish to talk of love."
"No, I do not. Only why do you
not go to her aud tell her of your love,
all your pain? She will listen to you
she must listen to you. Bitterness of
ten deprives ove of Its Joy. and the
first sweet love dream Is often blight
ed by one's own lack of confidence. Men
should never blame a woman If she
sometimes appears cold, and at other
times too light and guy, grief gnaws
deep, and woes are hard to bear. Wom
en are hard to understand; their hands
are tied In every emotion; their life is
Caulder rose aud stood lu the mldd'.c
of the room. Evelyn followed his ex
"Will you go to her?" she asked gent
He stared at her half sullenly much
as a boy would look at an older sister
who had corrected him.
"Are you sure I will uot regret speak
Ingrto her?" he questioned, after a
"1 trust not, I believe not. God help
you." She held out her hands Impul
slvely. He took them lu his own; he
hands were cold, although she candid
ly returned his glance.
"What else have you to say. Eve
lyn?" There was a tenderness In his
What had she not to say? Should she
tell him how her life would be a blank
without him? How he had crept into
her heart with his boyish eyes and
smile? How the woman who beard
his troubles and comforted him In his
first pain was starving for the young
love he had bestowed on some fall
one? No. she could not tell him all the
bitter truth! She was conscious of a
choking sensation which prevented
speech; her glance fell lower and lowet
until It rested on the rug at her feet
She knew her fingers closed around hb
Impulsively with a sudden dread of bls
leavlng her forever.
"I have this to say to you" she
breathed the words slowly "will you
still let me be your friend, or will she
who has won your love be both sweet
heart and friend?"
What had her voice betrayed? Slit
felt her hands suddenly pressed against
a warm, unbearded cheek, and a voice
which thrilled her with awe spoke hei
"She who has won my heart Is my
friend," he said softly, "and" draw
Ing the slight figure Into his arms
"wlll she be my sweetheart, too?"
She was a woman with a mission
and yet, as she glanced tip Into those
earnest eyes, her lips were raised to
meet his kiss half way.
Women Workers in France.
A recent volume treating of the work
of women In France gives this table of
women workers In that country: Phy
sicians.450; authors, 519; artists and
sculprressess ,3,500; singers and actress
es, 3.000; nurses, 13,000; milliners, 30.
000; government employes, 50,000;
members of religious orders, 05,000;
teachers, 100,000; In business houses.
245,000; landowners. 500,000; factory
girls.575,000; domestic servants, 650.
000; seamstresses, 950,000; farm labor
rs. 2.700.000.
When a girl is first in love, she buys
very expensive note paper to write to
Him on, but after the engagement Is
an old affair, she writes her notes an
margins of newspapers, or on the
butcher's wrapping paper.
A boy's first trousers and a man's
first love are soon outgrown.
Abundance of Basket of Almost Every
Una aa Variety Many Harmless
Unas, bat Many Mora of Moat Venom
out Typa Ara Kucouatered.
"Speaking of tuakes," said a mining
engineer, "1 do not think there is a
spot on the fuce of this earth to equul
lJUtch Uulaua In that respect. There
they have large snakes and small
suukes, red snakes aud greeu snakes,
auiber-colored snakes and golden
snakes, snakes harmless and snakes
deadly, round-headed snakes and flat
headed snakes, and snakes ruuglng
through the entire list of colors from
umd gray to striped orange and red.
"If you are a tenderfoot lu the coun
try, before you leave Pnruumrlbo fur
the gold fields In the Jungle the natives
will warn you against the snakes. On
the way to the fields, 400 miles up the
river In a cunoe, you cau shoot a dozen
or more wuter suukes If you are watch
ful. Once lu camp and accustomed to
precautious, before you get Into your
hammock at night you tutu It Inside
out to oust a possible parrot snake that
may have taken kindly to your bed.
During the night, If you are called upon
to leave camp you pick your wuy along
the Jungle trail with a lantern Held low
to light every Inch your feet traverse.
In the morning when you come to the
embers of your camp tire you will find
a bunch of snakes curled up around
one another to keep off the thill of the
night lu the warm ashes. And so It Is,
snakes, snakes, snakes. Throughout
4t,)00 square miles of Jungle It Is one
continuous snake paradise.
"Barring death by Jungle fever, more
miners and prospectors are annually
taken off by snake bites than by any
other cause. Human life In that couu
try means less than It does here, and
so It Is that mine owners do uot compel
their negroes to wear shoes, and so It
Is also that lu the brushwood surround
lug some of the older camps there are
scattered mounds bearing neither name
nor Inscription, but pointed out oc
casionally by veteran miners as the
place of 'So and So, poor devil, bitten
by a snake.'
"One of the most harmless and one
of the prettiest suukes In Dutch (iuiaua
Is the parrot snake. He Is a little three
foot arangement, grass-green, pink
eyed, and, among snakes, probably the
most knowing. These little chaps ure
often found In camps. Their only ob
jection Is that they wriggle when you
lie down on them. They become very
tame If encouraged, and take readily
to' civilization aud sugar. In return
for their board they keep the camps
clear of mice and spiders.
"But for each variety of harmless
snake In Dutch Guiana there are five
of the most venomous type. These are
known by their flat, triangular beads,
and by their sluggishness. A poison
ous snake rarely moves out of the way
of an Intruder. He waits to strike, and.
If he strikes, recovery depends on what
nntldote may be at hand. For this rea
son every white miner and every fore
man over a gang of men carries lu his
hunting bag a bottle of concentrated
ammonia and a tourniquet. The pre
caution taken by white men in that
jungle against snake bites Is' to wear
thick woolen socks and hlgh-laced
boots. Others, In preference to wear
ing heavy boots, use leggings made of
canvas lined with strips of whalebone.
Through those protections It Is Impos
sible for a snake to strike deep enough
Into the flesh to Insert venom. Many
an old pair of boots scarred with snake
bites Is treasured as a memento by Its
owner. But It Is when men grow care
less and discard their protections that
they are dangerously bitten.
"When a man lias been struck no
time Is taken to suck the poison out of
the wound. Nine times out of ten the
wound Is In the leg below the knee.
The tourniquet Is slung about the leg
above the wound, and, after being
drawn tight, without waiting to suck
the poison from the wound, ammonia Is
applied. From time to time the tourni
quet Is loosened to allow part of the
poison to work Into the system, but no
more than the system can take care of
at one time. In this way the entire
poison Is gradually worn out by the
system instead of getting In Its full
deadly force at once."
Western Millionaire Was Not Anxious
to Inquire Jnto Ancestral Kecord.
A man who had been west for sever
al years accumulating a large fortune
returned to New York a short time ago
with bis family and resumed his resi
dence lu this city. Before he left New
Y'ork he had had a vague Idea that be
was a man of family; that his ancestry
was something to look back upou with
pride, and that It entitled him to no
mean position In society. Out In the
wild and woolly Occident, In his strenu
ous endeavorto Increase his pile, geneal
ogy was farthest from his thoughts.
He bud not long resumed his residence
In New Y'ork before his wife and
daughters began to go out. Through
constant urging on the part of his wife
and daughters be finally decided to look
up his tree In the hope of discovering
the family crest A firm which dealt
In genealogy and heraldry for an ap
propriate fee fitted him out with a tree
rooted In royalty aud budding out with
the flower of the land, and also a cout
of arms consisting of a sheep In golden
fleece rampant with two eagles dupli
cate In an azure field. The wife and
daughters bubbled over with delight
and could hardly wait for the embla
zoning of the crest Paterfamilias was
somewhat skeptical, bowever, and
sought the counsel of a friend who ad
vised him to look up his tree and verify
it at the New York Historical society.
He set to work with a will and after
several weeks' labor had traced back
bis ancestry for four generations, but
as yet had found nothing in the way of
antecedent to be especially proud. The
librarian was becoming a bit testy at
the Incessant demand for records and
historical works and one day. In reply
to a request for something of an earlier
date, almost snapped out:
"Why don't you try the records of the
general quarter sessions court?"'
"Good Idea." said the man In search
I ancestral knowledge, and be was
oon poring over the parchment bound
tomes. "This Is the real thlug," he said
to himself after fifty page of Stuyve
sants, Van Rensselaer, Van Brunts,
De Peyters, etc., recorded as Judge,
mayor, aldermen and Juror. He was
confident that he would soon be at the
root of the tree and bit confidence was
not misplaced.
When asked at home what success
he bad met with he replied:
"The reully appropriate heraldic
design for our family crest would be a
gallows rampant with au ancestor
pendant, ami any quunity of crows In
an azure field. "New York Evening
Short Storie$
Au ofllcer now a patleut lu No. 2 Of
ficers' Hospital at Pretoria, relutes this
characteristic auecdote of I,ord Kitch
ener: "The other duy he stopped au
ottlccrlutliestrcctsof Pretoria who was
wearing a single eyeglass. He said:
'Excuse me, but do you think It abso
lutely uecessury for your sight to wear
that glass?' The ofllcer replied, 'Yes,
sir; certainly.' I-ord Kltcliuer said, '1
am particular to have officers with good
sight only lu Pretoria. You will report
yourself for duty on lines of communi
cation at the office of (lie It. K. O., at
five o'clock.' Collapse of ofllcer."
One ulght, when the attendance In a
small town In the French provinces
was especially bad, Sarah Bernhardt,
bored by the small size of the audience
and Its stupidity, resolved to make the
most of It. The play was "Camllle,"
but,' Instead of speaking the lines as
Dumas wrote them, Sarah made up the
pluy as she went along. Interpolating
such opinions as, from minute to min
ute, she hud of the audience. She called
them unutterable things, and iu a high
ly dramatic way. The Innocents ap
plauded these sentiments vigorously,
upon which she called them something
The late John J. Bugley, during his
second successful campaign on the He
pnlillcun ticket for Governor of Michi
gan, spoke one evening at Kalamazoo,
and tit the beginning of his remarks he
alluded frankly to his lack of oratorical
gifts. After be had finished, a man
pushed forward, grasped his hand
wnnnly, and said: "Governor, I have
been a life-long Democrat, but at the
coming election I shall vote for you."
"Thank you," replied the Governor,
much gratMled; "may I ask the particu
lar reason for your change?" "Because
you are the first speaker on either side
In this campaign that 1 have heard tell
the truth. You said when you began
that you couldn't make much of a
speech, and. by jinks, you can't!"
Talleyrand's wife was the reverse of
brilliant, and he used to excuse his mar
riage on the ground that "clever women
may compromise their husbands, stupid
women only compromise themselves."
One day the famous traveler, M.
Deuon, was expected to dinner, and
Tulleyrand conjured madame to pre
pare herself for sensible conversation
by looking over Devon's works. Un
fortunately, on her way to the library,
madame forgot the name. She could
only remember It ended In "on." The
librarian smilingly handed her a copy of
"Koblnson Crusoe." Madame easily
mastered Its contents, and at table
astonished her guest by exclaiming:
"Mou Dion, monsieur, what joy you
must have felt In your Island when you
found Friday!"
John Kunpp, of the St. Louis Repub
lican, had little use for press agents,
and It took a mighty shrewd man to get
a free puff from him. He never would
publish a lawyer's or a doctor's name
if be could avoid It, for they might de
rive some benefit from the free adver
tisement. It Is said that one morning
mention was made In the Republican
they call It the Republic nowv-of a man
having died of Bright's disease. Old
man Knapp hunted up the proof-reader,
and called him Into the private oflice.
"Why did yeu let that get into the pa
per?" asked the old man. Indicating
with his forefinger the objectionable
paragraph. "I don't see but that's all
right," said the reader. "Y'ou don't,
eh?" snapped old man Knapp "you
don't, eh? Do you think we want to ad
vertise thh. man Bright for nothing?
He never had an 'ad' In this paper in
his life?"
Gold Found.
A curious discovery has been made
during the dredging operations at the
mouths of Morluy and .Shoalhaven
Rivers In New South Wales. These
rivers run through an auriferous dis
trict, and at the estuary sand burs and
alluvium are deposited. This obstruc
tion has to be constantly removed by
dredges In order to allow the channels
of the rivers to be kept open for na
vigation. This mud was then taken
out to sea In hoppers and discharged.
A workman one day. Impressed by the
curious nature of the soil, panned a lit
tle off, and was surprised to find a
small sediment of gold dust. He com
municated his discovery to the authori
ties, and further Investigations proved
that the alluvium was freely charged
with this metol. It was therefore de
cided to extract this gold, and the mud
Is now run through an automatic gold
saver before being dumped into the sea.
It ls anticipated that the quantity of
gold recovered by this means will de
fray the total cost of the dredging
A Scientific Scrap Book.
L. O. Howard, chief of the division of
entomology, felt somewhat flattered at
receiving one day a letter from a gen
tleman asking him to send a copy of
his report.
Mr. Howard replied promptly, and
asked to which particular report his
correspondent referred. The answer
"Am not particular which one you
send. I want It for a scrap-book."
Home-Grown Luster.
"Then you don't bank much on an
cestral pride?"
"No; It Is more to a man's credit to
start from nowhere and be somebody
Mian to start from somewhere and oe
nobody." Indianapolis Journal.
Joke and Jokelets that Are Supposed
to Have Baeo Recently Born-tsayings
and Doings that Are Old, Cariona and
Laughable-The Week's Unasor.
"Polly, dear, suppose I were to shoot
at a tree with five birds ou It, aud kill
three, how many would there be left?"
i Polly (aged Oi Three, please.
I Teacher No two would be left.
I Polly No, there wouldn't. The three
'thot would be left and the other two
would be filed a way. Tit-lilts.
The K mi of a Hlnff.
Mlstress-IIouora, dldu't I see Mr.
Skyler kiss you tills morning?
Maid I'm astonished, Mrs. Skyler,
that you should think of such a thing!
Mr. Skyler of all men! Why. you know,
lie never kisses eveu you. Boston
A (lord Haul,
Edith How was the season af Bar
Mabel Just lovely! I got eight on-
I gagetnent rings aud only three had to
be returned.
Ha Put Men to Hie p.
"My brother, the prize tighter, has put
a dozen men to sleep."
"That's nothing. My brother, the
preacher, puts the whole congregation
to sleep.
He I have boen longing for this mo
ment, Miss Flossie, when I can lay my
burning heart at your feet.
Flossie Oh, it's very good of you
my feet are so cold. Ally Slopcr.
The Point of View.
Parson Will you hub her for bottah
er woss?
Isaac Well, sah, I dunno. My folks
say it's woss und her folks say It's bet
tah. Accounting- tor Their Activity,
Mr. Hayseed These New Yorkers
Jes' rush thelrselves to death. Why ou
earth do they kill themselves that
Mrs. Hayseed Land sakes! they've
got to. Think of the rents they pny.
New York Weekly.
A Keuulur Thlnor.
"Daughter," said Mr. Gtddlngs. "Is
that young Mr. Dinsmore a man of
regular habits?"
"Oh. yes, papa," replied Miss Gld
diugs. "He proposes regularly every
Thursday night." Detroit Free Press.
Information Always on Tap.
"Joslah," said Mrs. Chugwater,
"when one of the big battleships runs
ground how do they get it off?"
"They pull it off with a tug of war,"
answered Mr. Chugwater. "I should
think you'd know enough to know
that." Chicago Tribune.
Recoarn'zrd the American.
Judge Illcks, of Minneapolis, being In
London, inquired his way of a police
man. "You're from Hamerica?"
"Yes, sir."
"Y'ou can't 'ide the hacceut." Boston
Christian Register.
Kan the High Hall Fusillade,
Mother My dear boy, I'm so glad to
have you home again. I suppose you
were where the balls were thickest?
Soldier Sou Yes, mother; the high
To Be Kxpctrd.
"You fellows," complained the King
of Beasts, "don't seem to be properly
Impressed when I start to describe my
j "Ah!" replied the diplomatic hyena,
i "your stories are wonderful, but then
we know you are a lion."
"Ida never talks slang."
"Then that's it. I wondered why It
was she could never make herself nn
derstood." Philadelphia Bulletin.
"You can't believe more than half
you hear."
"Which half of what you tell me shall
I believe?"
Telightful Man.
He Going shopping, Miss Vander
Telt? She-Yes. I'm going to buy some
pretty pictures for my room.
He Why don't you buy a half-dozen
mirrors? Then you would see a pretty
picture whichever way you turned.
Summervllle Journal.
Mght in Co lei go. .,
Conductor Why didn't you stop for
them three fellers that signaled?
Motorman I got my week's salary in
me pocket and you bet I ain't takln'
chances like that! Puck.
"What are you reading, Dorle?"
"Papa's poems."
"Been naughty?" Punch.
The Pfifliel.
"Tfcst settles It, Dunks. Our land
lady has beeu reading slxWli l.oeb's
"What now?"
"We'll get salt lierritu brcakf tsto
every morning uutll the bftry s aou."
-Philadelphia North America 'i.
llml Knrm.
"Listen!" he whispered.
MarJorle pressed his bund softly.
"Not now!" she said. "It is bad form
to listen while the plauo Is playing"'
Detroit Journal.
Koo I, Not Work.
Farmer's Wife Why don't you eut
that piece of steak I sent out for you?
Tramp (Indignantly)-1 didn't usk for
work, mu'um; I asked for something lu
eut.-Pick-Me-1" p.
Orts 1 l-.urly..
Jimmy What time do yer have tet
get ter work?
Johnny--Oh, any time I like as long
as I ain't later tluiu 7 o'clock. llaipc'i
In .Missouri.
Clerk That train robber s:ijs he
won't pay his bill.
Missouri Grocer-Well, then, I nip
pose we'll have to garnishee the rail
road company. Puck.
Ilia Kenton.
"Why should a woman take a man's
name when she marries lilinV
"Well, as long as she takes every
thing else, she might as well ake that,
loo. Philadelphia Press.
Huns of A iiriiirio t on.
"Mr. Simpklns and our daughter
must be engaged."
"Do they seem fond of each other?"
"No; but be has begun to tiud fault
with her."
No Wonder.
P.arnestonii Yes; poor Ranter has
gone cru.y us u loon. The part he had
to play was too much for him.
Buskin What was ie playing, Jekyll
and Hyde?
BurncKtnrm No; "Monte Crisio," at
$12 per week and six weeks' salary due.
One Point of H Hemic.
"What's t he mutter with you'.'" asked
the sympathetic friend; "uu attack of
"No. this Isn't grip. I haven't time to
stay at home and send fur a doctor.
This Is simply a bad cold." Washing
ton Post.
Too Had.
Mrs. Mann That young Mr. Chlklers
is dead. It was awfully sudden. Isu't
It too bad?
Mr. Mann And he was g -ttlug along
so famously at coloring bis meer
schuum. Transcript.
Getting at His Finances.
:'A mr'is It. 'Li
Owner Here! What are you doing
In my safe?
Firt 'I lion -lit.
"What animal is It that is web-footed,
"The spider, ma'am." Yonkers
Their Verdict.
Judge Gentlemen of the Jury, what
is your verdict?
Irish Foreman We foliul that the
mou who slole the horse Is not guilty.
ADrea lful tale of Air lr.
He Well, we can't believe more than
half we hear.
She Oh, worse than that; I can't be
lieve more than half 1 say. Life.
Pa lios .VI led with the Humor,
"Was the amateur play a drama or a
"Well, it was billed as a drama, but it
was a farce before they got through."--Philadelphia
Conspicuous Itrnvery.
Friend Stoi uilngtou Is a heroic actor.
Isu't he?
Comedian You bet he Is! Why, on
several occasions I've seen him keep
right on acting till he was fired upon!"
An Ttieonsixteiit I iar.
Bosling Oil, well, all horse dealers
are more or less tricky.
Gosling Yes. but this one was the
most bold-faced liar I ever saw. First,
he told nie the horse was perfectly
sound, and in the very next breath lie
admitted It w as well-broken. Philadel
phia Press.
Dr. Eude There's nothing serious the
matter with Patsy, Mrs. Mulcaliy. I
think a little soap and water will di
him ns much good as anything.
Mrs. Mulcaliy Yis, docther; n-n' will
01 give it t' him befoor or afther hia
males? Leslie's Weekly.
A Sympathetic Memory.
In a western Massachusetts town
lived a young woman who Is blessed
with both discrimination and tact
The first of these admirable' quali
ties she has displayed by her two mar
riages. Her first husband wns a min
istera most delightful man; he died,
and after a lapse of five or six years
she was united to his only brother, who
was a successful lawyer In New York.
Ou her library desk stands a picture
of the first partner of her Joys nnd sor
rows, and one day a curious caller ask
ed whom the photograph represented.
"That," said the hostess, with evi
dent emotion, "is n picture of my hus
band's brother, who died eight year
ago, and who was very dear to us
A liitf 8ponre
The largest sponge ever sent .to mar
ket was from the Mediterranean. It
was ten feet In circumference and
three In diameter.
The First Kule. ' ,
New Boarder Can I get my meals
on time? .
Landlady No; you will have to pa
lu advance. Harlem Life. 1