LIVESTOCK CENSUS.
An Enumeration of Fare-Brad Fans
Animals Will Be Fart of
Twelfth Cento.
An enumeration of the pure-blood 01
pure-bred farm animals in the United
States will be a part of the twelfth oen
ma. The main schedule for agriculture
provides for returning the number,
June 1, 1900, of all pure-blooded ani
mah recorded or eligible to record, on
the farm."
While the treasury department, in
administering the tariff laws relative to
pure-bred animals, does not accept the
verbal statements of owners or agents,
but requires certified evidence in writ
ing of the pedigree claimed, thecensm
enumerator will be compelled to relj
pretty gunerally, if not wholly, upon
verbal replies as to whether stock ii
pure-bred.
A several months must elapse before
the census of live Btock will be taken,
Director Merriam requests that all whe
are not certain whether their unregis
tered animals are grade, or pure-bred
and "eligible to record," take stepi
definitely to settle the mooted point,
and thus be prepared without hesitation
to give the enumerator accurate infor
mation relative to this interesting
inquiry.
Sheep may be recorded by flocks;
but other animals are recorded by indi
viduals. The herd books show thai
about 750,000 cattle have been regis
tered in the United States and it it
estimated that about 850,000 are liv
ing. If breeders will make accurate
returns of their pure-bred animals to
the census enumerators next June, a
correct basis will be secured for show
ing future expansion in high grade live
stock. Otherwise the efforts of the
census officers will be of small value.
Converted Into a Sawmill.
The plant of the Everett, Wash.,
nail mill, which has been closed for a
year or more, has been purchased by
William C. Cutler and will be convert
ed into a sawmill. The nail machines
were shipped to Ban Francisco last fall,
the local plant having been absorbed by
the American Steel Company,
Washington Fir.
Less than two years ago Washington
fir was tried as an experiment in the
manufacture of cars, as a result ol
which, it is asserted, by the Railroad
and Engineering Journal, that during
the present year a majority of the cars
built for Western roads will be of ma
terial taken from the Washington for
ests. Hale of Sheep.
M. Fitzgerald, of Mitchell, Or., sold
on the 20th inst., to a Montana buyer,
1,000 head of yearling ewes and weth
ers at $2.50 for wethers and $2.75 for
ewes, to be delivered after shearing.
As the sheep will shear 10 pounds, and
Fitzgerald expects to got 18 cents a
pound for -it, it will be seen that he
figures on his yearlings bringing him
an average of $4.43 per head.
Northwest Notes.
The board of commissioners of Che
lan county, Wash., are very busy these
days getting moved into the new court
house at Wenatchee.
A plant for extracting arsenic from
the Monte Crista ores is to be establish
ed at Evorett. It is said those ores are
one-third arsenic
The explosion of a lamp in ex-Senator
Fobs' clothing store caused about $1,000
damage. The store is in one of Ana-
cortes', Wash., finest brick structures
The mon brought from up-Pound
points to replace the strikers at the
Seattle Logging Company's camp, at
Port Crescont. have refused to go to
work upon learning the situation there,
and some have already returned home.
The Everott & Monte Cristo railroad
is to be rebuilt from Hartford Junction
to Monte Cristo wherever it was dam
aged by floods and the line will be in
operation again by July 1. This is the
part of the road not included in the
purchase by the Northern Pacific.
II. E. McBride sold his 80-aore farm
in tho artesian belt to Hiram O. Blank
unship, recently out from the Atlin
geld Molds, says the North Yakima
Republic. He will sink an artesian
well at once and build a $1,000 house
on the land.
Oliver Cornwell shipped two oar
loads of fat beef cattle to Snohomish,
Wash., saya the Walla Walla Union.
These cattle were fed upon alfalfa hay
altogether, and made a gain of 250
pounds in three months. They aver
agod when shipped 1,400 pounds each.
The price per hundred was $4.85.
The O. R. & N. is about to expend
about $300,000 in improving the track
between Pendleton and Umatilla.
In the stomach of a beef creature
recently killed at Fossil, Or., the othor
day, three pounds of gravel stones larger
than ordinary marbles were found.
The petition of the citizens of John
Day, Or., asking that the. town be al
lowed to incomorate undai thn Win.
lative act of 1803, was granted by the
Grant county court at its last meeting.
A petition is being circulated at
Fossil with a view of resurrecting the
to nl and Waterman mail route,
which was discontinued several weeks
ago and a line from Twickenham to
Waterman substituted,
Pendleton has an ordinance against
pitting on the sidewalk that has just
(one into effect. A fine of $1 for each
offense is provided for, and it is said
the Pendleton otTicoia will enforce the
law.
The Willamette is now believed to be
at a lower stage than it has been at
this season in many a year. It is but
four feet above low water, and the
iteamboat people are already figuring
n putting a light draught steamer on
the run.
La Grande's, Or., sugar factory will
pay $4.50 per ton for beets this year,
ind is assured that 9,600 acres will be
planted. All factory employes, it is
innonuced, will be taken from the
3rand Koude valley. The company
will have 73 acres in beets at Ontario.
Harney is one of the matt prosperous
joonties of Oregon, or the entire West,
lays the Burns News. We have not ex
porting manufactories, and we have
ase tor our own cereals. But our old
cows and our sheep have eaten their
fill of green grass in summer and of
Harney hay in winter, and vast has
been the result thereof.
BRADSTREET'S REVIEW.
Quiet Week In the Dry-Goods Distrib
utive Trade,
Bradstreet'f says: It has been a
quiet week in distributive trade, except
at some few v estern centers, this Deing
especially true of the dry-goods busi
nesa. Wholesale trade in this line has
been generally oompleted, and, pend
ing the effect of the spring demand up
on the retail trade, the markets are in
a waitiue stage. As regards prices,
the feature of the week has been the
strength manifested in agricultural pro
ducts and provisions. The advances in
the latter, in fact, are regarded as lore
shadowing an upward movement in hog
products, long predicted, but only par
tially realized.
Winter wheat crop advices have
been, on the whole, good, and have
acted as a balance to the stories of
French damage.
Wool has been more active, but con
siderable business has been done at
concessions.
The demoralization in the sugar mar
ket is clearly confined to the refining
branch.
Manufacturers and Jobbers in carpets
and upholstery report a heavy season's
business booked.
Wheat, including flour, shipments
for the week aggregate 3,962,849 bush
els, against 2,903,495 last week.
Business failures in the United
States for the week number 178, as
compared with 192 last week.
Business failures in the Dominion of
Canada for the week number 25, as
against 23 last week.
Oriental advices state that permis
sion to do general business in Japan
has been refused 60 foreign insurance
companies, most of them American.
PACIFIC COAST TRADE.
Seattle Markets.
Onions, new, $3.00 2.75 per sack.
Lettuce, hot house, 45c per doz.
Potatoes, new, $1718.
Beets, per sack, 75 85c.
Turnips, per sack, 60o.
Carrots, per sack, 75c.
Parsnips, per sack, 75 85c. -
Cauliflower, 75c $1 per dozen.
Cabbage, native and California,
$1. 00 1.25 per 100 pounds.
Apples, $1.25 1. DO per box.
Prunes, COo per box.
Butter Creamery, 28o per pound;
dairy, 17 22c; ranch, 17o per pound.
Eggs 15 16c.
Cheese Native, 15o.
Poultry 13 14c; dressed, 14 15c;
spring, $5.
Hay Puget Sound timothy, $12.00;
choice Eastern Washington timothy,
$18.0019.00
Corn Whole, $23.00; cracked, $23;
feed meal, $23.
Barley Boiled or ground, per ton,
$20;
Flour Patent, per barrel, $3.25;
blended straights, $3.00; California,
$3.25; buckwheat flour, $6.00; gra
ham, per barrel, $3.00; whole wheat
flour, $3.00; rye flour, $3.804.00.
Millstuffs Bran, per ton, $13.00;
shorts, per ton, $15.00.
Feed Chopped feed, $19.00 per ton;
middlings, per ton, $20; oil cake meal,
per ton, $30.00.
Fresh Meats Choice dressed beei
steers, 78o; cowb, 7c; mutton 8c;
pork, 8c; trimmed, 9c; veal, 6
10c.
Hams Large, 13c; small, 13;
breakfast bacon, 12,'g'c; dry salt sides,
8c.
Portland Market.
Wheat Walla Walla. 6354o;
Valley, 53c; Bluestem, 56o per bushel.
Flour Best grades, $3.00; graham,
$3.50; superfine, $2.10 per barrel.
Oats Choice white, 8687o; choice
gray, 84o per bushel.
Barley Feed barley, $1414.50;
brewing, $17.00(317.50 per ton.
Millstuffs Bran, $13 per ton; mid
dlings, $19; shorts, $15; chop, $14 per
ton.
Hay Timothy, $9 10; clover, $7
7.50; Oregon wild hay, $07 per ton.
Butter Fancy creamery, 45 50c;
seconds, 40c; dairy, 3087,c;
store, 253240.
Eggs 1 1 4'o per dozen.
Cheese Oregon full cream, 13c;
Young America, 14c; new cheese lOo
per pound.
Poultry Chickens, mixed, $3.60
4.50 per dozen; hens, $0.60; springs,
$3.50(38.50; geese, $0.60(558.00 for old;
$4.506.50; ducks, $5.606.00 per
dozon; turkeys, live, 10llo per
pound.
Potatoes 40 55o per sack; sweets,
22o per pound.
Vegetables Beets, $1; turnips, 60c;
per sack; garlic, 7o per pound; cab
bage, l,4o per pound; parsnips, $1;
onions, $2.00(12.50; carrots, $1.
Hops 38o per pound
Wool Valley, 1618o per pound;
Eastern Oregon, 10 loo; mohair, 27
80o per pound.
Mutton CirosB, best sheep, wethers
and ewes, 4'o; dressed mutton, 7
IMa per pound; lambs, 7oper pound.
Hogs Gross, choice heavy, $5.00;
light and feeders, $4.50; dressed,
$0.00 6. 50 per 100 pounds.
Beef Gross, top steers, $4.004.60;
cows, $3.504.00; dressed beef, 6
7?o per pound.
Veal Large, 6X7Js'o; Btnall, 8
9o per pound.
Tallow 55c; No. 3 and grease,
84o per pound.
aa Franeiseo Market.
Wool Spring Nevada, 1215opei
pound; Eastern Oregon, 12 (g 16c; Val
ley, 2022o; Northern, 10 12c.
Hops 1809 crop, 1213o per
pound.
Butter Fancy creamery 18o;
do seconds, 16)l?o; fancy dairy, 16
16Vsc;do8econd8,1415o per pound.
Eggs Store, 13, Sic; fancy ranch,
15 V.
Millstuffs Middliugs, $17.00
20.00; bran, $12.50 13.50.
Hay Wheat $6.50 9.50; wheat and
oat $6.00 9.00; best barley $5.00
7.00; alfalfa, $5.006.60 per ton;
straw, 25 40o per bale.
Potatoes Early Rose, 60 70c; Ore
gon Burbanks, 65o$l.00; river Bur
lnks, 40 75c; Salinas Burbanks,
Sue 1.10 per sack.
Citrus Fruit Oranges, Valencia,
$3.753.25; Mexican limes, $4.00
6.00; California lemons 75c $1.50;
do choice $1.752.00 per box.
Tropical Fruits Bananas, ?1.60
2.60 per bunch; pineapples, nom
inal; Persian dates, 6 8. Wo per
pound.
MARCUS DA'.Y, COPPER KlNQ,
Who Has Attracted Attention by Ilia
Fight Against Senator Clark.
Marcu A. Daly, the Montana copper
king, has attracted attention by his
fight against Senator William A. Clark,
both In the Montana Legislature, and
since Clark's arrival at Washington.
He Is worth $20,000,000 all acquired
within twenty years. Born In New
York, of Irish parentage, be drifted
West at an early age and worked In
the mines. One of his employers In the
latter '70s was George It. Hearst who
recognized Daly's shrewdness and his
maguetlc Influence over other men and
sent him to Montana In 1880, as the
representative of a syndicate of which
Hearst was a member, to develop some
property there. Daly was given a
working interest This was the foun
dation of bis fortune. lie took bold
of the Anaconda copper properties of
his principals and developed them to
such an extent that his Interests have
amounted In twenty years to $20,000,.
1 A i
MAKCUS DALY.
000. The Anaconda, with Its mines at
Butte, Its smelters at Anaconda, Its
sawmills In the western . part of the
State and Its coal In the eastern and
northern portions. Is the largest em
ployer of labor In the State, employing
10,000 people out of a total population
of 250,000. It reduces 4,000 tons of ore
every day and during 1898 cut more
lumber than auy other establishment In
the United States.
Daly Is not a remarkable man except
ns a money-maker, nor has bis career
been eventful. Ills diversion Is the
breeding of horses and raising fruits.
He has the secoud largest apple or
chard in the country and his horses
have won fame on the race track. Prob
ably the happiest days of his busy life
are spent on his Bitter Root ranch.
Each summer he Is there with his fam
ily, lie always has friends there. They
are not, as a rule, people who have fine
places of their own. Boys and girls of
the age of his own children are the
principal visitors, and to see Daly with
the youngsters one would not suppose
he was carrying the burdens of one of
the biggest enterprises in the North
west LAW AS INTERPRETED.
rower of the governor or military
officer In command to suspend the writ
of habeas corpus, or disregard It If Is
sued, for the purpose of suppressing
an Insurrection or rebellion, Is sus
tained In re Boyle (Idaho), 45 L. R. A.
832, and on application for such a writ
the truth of recitals In the governor's
proclamation is held not to be open to
question.
Acts done pursuant to a subsisting
Judgment which Is afterward reversed
are held, In Bridges vs. McAllister
Uy.), 45 L. R. A. 800, to constitute no
basis for an action of tort The case
was one of damages by filling up a
dltcb In pursuance of a Judgment
which was afterward reversed. In
collection with this case Is a note pre
senting the other authorities on the
question of liability for tort in doing
acts authorized by a subsisting Judg
ment which Is afterward reversed.
Liability of a sleeping car company
for theft of a passenger's effects while
he is asleep Is denied In Pullman's Tal
ace Car Company vs. Adnms (Ala.), 45
L. R. A. 707, If the company has exer
cised reasonable diligence; but the
mere fact that the porter did not go to
sleep during his watch Is not deemed
sufficient proof of such diligence. The
theft of a ring carried In a pocketbook,
and which Is not capable of being used
on the Journey, Is held not to make the
company liable, even if Its loss was due
to the company's negligence.
A Torrens registration law which
provides for the registration of land
titles after they are established In a
court of equity is upheld In people ex
rel. Deneen vs. Simon (111.), 44 L. R, A.
801; and It Is held that Judicial power
is not conferred upon the registrar by
requiring him to make entries when It
appears to him that a person Intending
to create a charge on property "has the
title and right to create such charge,"
and that the person In whose favor It Is
to be made "is entitled by the terms of
the act to have the same registered"
especially when a party aggrieved can
apply to a court of equity. A provision
that the registrar shall record a trans-
er of land held In trust, upon the writ
en opinion of two examiners that the
6v.joo,ooa
Let any man get far enough away
from the scene of his crime, and he will
believe down U) his heart that be is la
Boctot.
Quick Work.
Rome was not built In a day. but then
Rome was very much behind the tl"es.
Things are done more quickly now. On
the outskirts of Chicago a feat was ac
compllshed not long ago that would
have astonished Rome. ., It may be a
little astonishing even tb present day
readers.
A contract was signed on Friday for
the building of a church. The document
stipulated that the church should be
ready for dedication on the following
Sunday. Just one clear day was left
for the erection of the building, which
was to accommodate three thousand
persons.
At four o'clock on the morning of
Saturday the work was begun, and at
seven o'clock that evening the men
were putting In windows, hanging
doors, and getting In the electric lights,
which were especially provided for In
the contract No floor was laid, and
there was no time to gather up the
shavings, but by twelve o'clock that
night all else was done, and the dedica
tion services were held on the follow
ing day.
Almost as wonderful a feat and one
In which haste was more Justifiable,
was the building of a field hospital, and
having It ready for patients In exactly
one hour from the time when It was
begun.
Dr. Hofgraeff, an army surgeon, un
dertook to demonstrate to the Austrian
military authorities that eight men
could build a hospital fifty by twenty
feet In an hour.
All materials were ready, and no tools
were required. Sleepers, pane's, bolts,
rods, waterproof packing, all were pre
pared beforehand, every plug for Its
hole, and every groove for Its setting.
There was nothing to do but to pat the
building together.
The value of a hospital that can ba
erected on the spot at such short no
tine needs no demonstration.
The Income of a Naval Officer.
On about the salary of a young clerk
an ensign of our navy must dress well,
his wife and children must; they must
live In a presentable part of any city;
ti.e children must be educated, and
well, somehow. The very nomadism of
their lives Is a great source of expense,
and there Is no escape from unpaid
bills, no living on from year to year ic
debt as do a recognizable number of
people in civil life; for a tradesman
has but to send bis authenticated bill
to toe Navy Department, and the de
linquent will be curtly reminded of it
through official channels; resultng in a
court-martial If his shortcoming is so
often repeated as to be "unbecoming to
an officer and a gentleman." But even
all this sordid counting of dollars and
debts seldom succeeds in subduing, cer
tainly not in breaking, the spirit of
people naval. "Everybody knows what
everybody has," and this fact at once
lifts off a social burden which Is re
sponsible for half the misery of pover
ty of the "genteel" "degree. Then, too,
to have even a little, If that little comes
regularly and with absolute certainty,
is a rest in a country where leisure Is
still looked at askance. In return, how
ever, an officer gives up his whole life,
very often smothers his talents and
ambitions, and Is "on guard" every
hour of bis existence. Politically he Is
practically disfranchised, must always
be for the government and remain dis
creetly silent In a land given over to
"oratory" and In a time of extreme In
dividualism of opinion. Woman's
Home Companion.
Brotherly Counsel.
The more nervous a man la the more
he tries to say the right thing, and as
a rule, the more lamentably he falls.
It is not always the man who attempts
to set him right, however, who covers
himself with glory.
There is a story told of a certain
English curate who was afflicted with
a painfully nervous temperament, and
whose nervousness was In the habit of
affecting his tongue and causing him
to make the most awkward remarks
when he particularly desired to pay
neat compliments to those high in au
thority or position.
It happened one day that he had dis
tinguished himself beyond his wont
during a gathering of clergymen at aa
afternoon tea at the bishop's palace.
On the way home a senior curate took
him to task for his blunders.
"Look here, Bruce," said the senior,
decidedly, "you are a donkey! Why
can't you keep quiet, Instead of attract
ing everybody's attention by your asi
nine remarks? You need not be offend
ed. I'm speaking to you now as a
brother "
At this point loud laughter Interrupt
ed the speaker, and for a moment he
wondered why.
Speculate Only on Paper.
The story Is told In an article in "The
Anecdotal Side of Mr. Beecher," in the
Ladles' Home Journal, of a member of
Plymouth Church who had lost heavily
In Wall street speculation and failed
in business and who went to the great
preacher one day and voluntarily prom
ised that he w ould not speculate for one
year. At the end of six mouths, bow
ever, he went to his pastor and asked
o be released from bis promise. "I
'an make more In one week than I am
iow making In a year," he said.
Mr. Beecher refused to release him.
Do your speculating on paper," he
aid, "and at the end of the year tell
le how you would have come out had
let you go."
At the end of the year the would-be
peculator reported to Mr. Beecher: ' if
had actually made those deals I
-ould have failed three times in the six
nouths."
A Hag Old Lock.
The oldest lock in existence Is one
shleh formerly secured one of the
loors of Nineveh. It Is a gigantic af
'alr, and the key to It which Is as
arge as one man can conveniently
arr.v, Is 3 feet 6 Inches In length, and
;orrespondlngly thick.
"Klang" Chinese Tor "RiTer."
In a map of China recently published
by the China Inland mission it is point
ed out that It Is wrong to speak of the
"Yaogtse Klang river," as Klang means
T riser.
i
Healthy People In the Klondike.
Many physicians have left Dawson
for want of practice, and no less than
five private sanitariums have closed on
account of lack of patronage.
SINGULAR FRUIT FOR A TREE,
Chinese Product that Bears Tallow
Brought to South Carolina.
The people of China are eminently
praoctlcal and have added much to the
civilization of mankind by tbelr habits
of industry, of which the method of ob
taining vegetable tallow Is an excellent
example. The tree producing this
tallow Is called Stilllngla Seblfera, and
the words remind us of the dropping
product and Its soapy nature. The
Chinese pick the seeds of this tree in
autumn and first place them In a wood
en cylinder, open at the top and per
forated at the bottom. After being
steamed over a Are for ten or fifteen
minutes the tallow Is softened and Is
then more readily separnted. The seeds
are transferred from the steaming cyl
inder to a stone mortar. In which they
are gently beateu. They are then
thrown on a sieve, heated over the Are
and sifted, by which process the tallow
Is separated and resembles coarse In
dian meal.
In this state the tallow Is put be
tween circles of twisted stiaw and
these placed In a press, by which the
tallow Is forced out and falls Into a
tub. Freed from all Impurities, It Is
then a semi-fluid of a beautiful white
color. Candles made of It easily melt
In hot weather, and on this account
they are dipped In melted wax of vari
ous colors red, green or yellow and
are exposed for sale by tallow chan
dlers and other shopkeepers. This re
markable tree Is found on the banks of
the Mln, In Szetbuen. It also grows
near Soochow and has been transplant
d to North and South Carolina. It Is
t tree with shining leaves and small
fellow flowers at the end of the
branches. They are succeeded by dark
colored seeds and vessels containing
lellcate white seeds. In late autumn,
an the banks of the Tslen-tnng River,
In Choklang, south of Hnngchow, this
tree Is a striking object. The leaves
re then of a blood-red color Instead of
1 light green. When the tallow has
been squeezed out of the seeds the re
mainder Is preserved to be used as fuel
ar to enrich the land.
Italy has enacted an old-age pension
law.
Philadelphia, Pa., has 103 trades
anions. .
St. Paul (Minn.) employing painters
favor the shorter work day.
Indianapolis pattern makers have re
ceived an advance of 20 per cent
A needle factory at Redditch, Eng
land, turns out 75,000,000 needles every
week.
There are 0,005 separate pieces of
material In the modern high-grade loco
motive. At Columbus, Ga., both white and
colored barbers have formed local
unions.
The Russian workers In the great In
dustrial centers are organizing into
trades unions.
The Buffalo Express has unionized
Its plant after a two years' controversy
with the printers.
Louisville (Ky.) union carpenters se
cured an advance of 30 cents per day
tor the year 1900.
The railway workers of England are
preparing to inaugurate a movement
for the eight-hour day.
Twenty-five thousand labels of the
Broommakers' Union are used monthly
in Chicago and vicinity.
In Liverpool, England, the death rate
In the slum districts Is three times the
average of the whole city.
Admiral Dewey's former flagship, the
Olympia, is to be repaired and strength
ened at a cost of $500,000.
Joplin (Mo.) building mechanics have
formed a Building Trades Council, In
which all crafts are represented.
An Increase of 12 per cent In the
wages of 400 weavers in the lace mills
at Wilkesbarre, Pa., Is announced.
The building trades of the Northeast
are making' preparations to demand In
creases of wages, and strikes are ex
pected. Tokyo, Japan, has a labor newspaper
Issued semi-monthly, and labor unions
are rapidly forming throughout that
country.
The Berwlnd-Whlte Coal Company of
Eastern Pennsylvania has announced
an Increase in the wages of its 30,000
employes.
By a law enacted during the past
year eight hours work Is tbe limit now
allowed on any kind of public work In
California.
Louisville (Ky.) clgarmakers have
levied an assessment of 50 cents per
month for six months to boom the
union label.
It Is stated the Choctaw Railway
Company has decided its Intention of
employing colored firemen exclusively,
and that no white men need apply.
Brooms as Germ Breeders.
Bacteriologists devote themselves to
the detection, Isolation and destruction
of bacteria, and, strange to say, they
do not appear to have given much at
tention to the danger that lurks in the
ordinary articles of household use. For
example, the common house broom is
both the habitation and breeding place
for whole colonies of bacteria, and
cases of disease have been traced to
this apparently Inoffensive article. At
Konigsberg a course In bacteriology Is
given by a physician, in which he main
talus that tbe strictest sanitary and
hygienic conditions In thlugs pertain
ing to the house should be Inculcated,
aud In this country, in the Boston Cook
ing School, and doubtless elsewhere,
there are many lectures given on bac
teriology. The refrigerator is one of
the danger spots, for bacteriologists tell
us that the minutest organisms may
thrive even In melted Ice, and putre
factive bacteria once gaining access to
the household refrigerator will breed
and contaminate butter, milk, meat and
other food kept therein. Cupboards
and closets also afford an excellent
breeding place for the ever present mi
crobe, and housekeepers will do well
to look to such articles as refrigeratora,
brooms, dusters, etc.
HUMOR OF THE WEEK
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Odd, Cnrlona and Laughable Phases
of Human Nature Graphically Por
trayed by Eminent Word Artleta of
Oar Own Day-A Budget of Fun
"I wish we was all over In Klmber
ley," said little Willie.
"Why?" his mamma asked.
"I heard papa reading last night that
bread cost nearly half a dollar a loaf
there, so I guess they wouldn't try to
keep a person from filling up on cake I"
Baltimore Times.
Mexican Sarcasm.
La Gaceta, a paper published In
Guadalajara, Mexico, part In English
and part In Spanish, prints in a promi
nent place the following:
A CARD.
Will the gentleman who embraced
my wife at the entrance to the post
office about 9 o'clock Thursday evening
please send me his photograph for my
album of heroes? lie will greatly
blige. J. L
"A Popular Heir."
-' A Distinguished Character
'That's an imposing-looking woman
over In the corner."
"Yes; she's the president of a parrot
club." Chicago Record.
Caution.
"Young man," said Uncle Jerry Pee
bles, "how do you pronounce that?"
"Tabbledy hote, sir," replied the
waiter, a recent importation from
Skedunk.
"Correct," rejoined Uncle Jerry, nod
ding his approval. "Bring me that"
Chicago Tribune.
What a Palatable Diah!
"Will you have oysters?" asked the
man, glancing over the bill of fare.
"Yes," said the short little woman, as
she tried In vain to touch the floor with
her toes. "And, John, I want a has
sock." John nodded, and, as he handed his
order to the waiter, he said: "Yes, and
bring a hassock for the lady."
"One hassock?" asked the waiter,
with what John thought more than or
dinary interest as he nodded in the
affirmative. Still the waiter did not
go, but brushed the table cloth with a
towel and rearranged the articles on It
several times, while his face got very
red.
Then be came around to John's side,
and, speaking sotto voce, said: "Say,
mister, I haven't been here long, and
I'm not up to all these things. Will the
lady have the hassock broiled or fried?"
Youth Never Hetnrns.
Her Father You are too young to
marry. Walt and you will get over this
love.
Herself That Is what I am afraid of.
Indianapolis Press.
Trying to Fcare Her.
"Ma, our old cat likes a joke."
"What makes you think so, Jimmy?"
"'Cause, when she ketches a mouse
Ihe alius brings it to you." Indianapo
lis Journal.
Strange.
Undertaker How's business?
Shoemaker So, so. How's yours?
Undertaker Dead.
Ties that Bind.
"I thought you and Dorinda were
perfectly Inseparable.'
"We were, but don't you know it
was Just a society friendship." In
dianapolis Journal.
Reflex Disarmament.
"The Transvaal war is full of sur
prises."
"That's so. Whenever I trv tn tnib
about It I run against somebody who
has read more about it than I have."
Indianapolis Journal.
Strategy.
"Oh. mamma!" Molnimot mt i.
v. .tn,; Ar
thur, all out of breath, "r
- - juoi urtru
playing with the Goodwin children and
mtrjr ume me uicasies at tneir home.
Now can I eat all the cake I want to?
'Cause you know I'm going to be sick
anyway." Chicago Tribune.
Proof Wanted.
"I could die for love of von!" sum t.o
rich old suitor.
"Yes; but would you?' onHwi th
practical maid. Chicago News.
Another Change Likely.
Miss Breezy-I see she's mun-i
again.
Miss Lakeside Yes: this is hpr sev
enth, and I don't think she caroa rT
much for him.
Miss Breezy No?
Miss Lakeside-No. I was at thA An.
gTaver's to-day when she left her or-
ae? ior ner new visltins card sha
only ordered fifty.-Philadelpbia Presa.
Tn Mourn In jr.
"What! back again!" exclaimed tfcf
young housekeeper, "you can't exjij
me to give you cake every day."
"No. lady," replied the poor beggarf
"I thought maybe you had an old sul
of black clothes you might give mi
Me poor ole mother eat the cake yotl
gev.me yestid'y." Philadelphia Press
The Optimistic View. I
"You're a shocking sight! He broki
your nose, didn't he?"
"Yes, but If be had struck me an Incl
higher and a little to the right or let,
he would ha?e broken my eye-glasses
and that would have been $2.50." Ch;.,
cago Tribune.
And Incompatibility.
"You want a divorce from your bus'
band, madam? On what ground'''
"Excessive cruelty. He abuses Fldo.
Chicago Tribune.
"The Abaent-Mlnded Beggar."
First beggar HI, there, pal, you'vi
got y'r signs mixed this mornin'.
Second ditto What's wrong wld 'em
"Wrong? Why, you chump, tun"
card says 'Blind. You're deaf 'u
dumb." Philadelphia Bulletin.
Quantity Bather than Quality, j,
"Why do you think he Isn't much of
a criminal lawyer?" I
"He completed his speech In thre,
hours, when he might Just as well havrf
strung It out for as many days and add
ed several hundred dollars to his blll."
Chicago Post i
Willing to Lose Herself. i
"There Is one thing can be truly sale''
of Miss Ogler; she is self-possessed.'!
'True, but I'll bet you she wishes sLt'
wasn't." Boston Courier. i
Abaent-Mlnded. t
Wickwire Look here! This Is the
fourth time this morning you have been;
In here asking for the price of a meal.
Dismal Dawson Yep. I am the al'
sent-mlnded beggar, don't ye kuow.-
Indianapolls Press.
Hla Words Rang True.
He To prove the sincerity of my In!
tentlons, I have brought this solitulrs,
adornment for your engagement fiugerl
She I must say, my friend, that your
speech has the true ring. Bostoui
Courier. t
The Beaaonlng.
Mr. Tenderfoot This bear
meat:
seems very highly spiced.
Cactus Charley It ought to be, pard -ner.
That's a cinnamon bear steak. '
Baltimore American. f
A Game of Checkers
r IVr jit
T
1 Mr. Blackboard: Dar oughter bs
some game In dlsher log. :
i
JIJ
2 Bear: There is! The game U
checkers, and it's your move.
Of a Truth.
"Seven dollars and fifty cents for a
book like that!" exclaimed the young
man, putttlng his purse back In his
pocket. "Why, that costs like sin."
"My young friend," said the elderly
book agent, "there Is nothing that eostg
like sin." Chicago Tribune.
Useless, if Stationary.
"Yes, your highness," said the aide,
"and shall I post this proclamation la
a conspicuous place?"
"No," replied Agulnaldo, "you'd bet
ter have enough copies printed to give
one to each man, so that all who run
may read." Philadelphia Press.
The Boundabont Way. f
"You have three brothers, haven't
you?" he Inquired. I
"Yes," she answered. "Why?"
"Oh, I was just wondering If you
would like to make me a fourth."
"I'm very sorry," she replied, "but Ii
will be a wife to you." Philadelphia!
North American. I
Nextl -Miss
Goldi'ox Yoir didn't seem to:
have much regard for Count Spaghetti.!
What do you know of him?
Mr. Pepprey Nothing of my personal;
knowledge, but some of my friends?
used to know hlin quite well.
Miss Goldrox Then you never met I
him before?
Mr. Pepprey-Oh, no, I've always'
shaved myself. Philadelphia Press.
Impossible. I
"We can be friends," she said, softly.!
"Then we can never be man audi
wife," he answered, dismally. Phila
delphia North American.
Would Brlnsr Them All.
"I can't pay that bill now."
"If you don't I'll tell all your other
creditors that you have paid it" ,
Kite Draws Sparks from Snow.
William A. Eddy, at Bayonne, on i
recent occasion made his first electric
test in a blizzard, by sending aloft a
six-foot single plene kite during the
heavy gale and dense snowfall, sustain
ing In this way a steel wire at a consid
erable height So severe was the gale
that the kite was repeatedly borne
down to within about fifty feet of the
earth, but It always recovered Its posi
tion aloft The falling snow dimmed
the kite, but did not overweight it At
5 p. m. the electric connection with the
steel wire was severed from the
grounding rod, when the hissing sound
of the brush discharge could be plainly
heard, followed by a one-inch spark.
Mr. Eddy says that the electrical activ
ity with the kite at so moderate an alti
tude was the greatest he has ever ex
perienced. It was as powerful as if
thunderstorm were near by. At the
time the steel was paid out it was made
to run through an Iron snaphook teth
ered by a chain to a rod driven Into tbe
ground. This was done by Mr. Eddy
to lessen the danger from severe ele
trie shocks. -j