The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, June 05, 1896, Image 4

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mv. The mechanism o't the human body re
.minds one very much of the mechanical
construction of a fine watoh, the wheels,
cogs and eorews answering to the muscles
and the delicate springs are what may be
likened to the nerves. One cannot move
without the other, and yet the action of
each is separate and distinct. Bo it is
' with the nerves and mutcles of the human
body. The ailments of the muscles are
distinct from the ailments of the nerves,
and, like the mechanism of a watoh, if ex
posed to sudden ohange of heat and cold,
tht-y get out of order and fr the time are
useless. Especially is this so at this season
of the year, when from exposure, negli
gence or want of care, the nerves are at
tacked and neuralgia in its worst form sets
in. But like oil to tbe works of a watch
so is Sc. Jacobs Oil to the nerves thns deranged.-
It is acknowledged by thousands
to be the best ami most permanent cure
for this most dreaded disease; hence it is
well to look alter toe human watoh as well
as the one in the pocket.
. ' True beauty does not fear to doff
Taa plumes and f atburs gay,
An i all the ckarmtng girls lake off
lhuir haw now at Uie play.
('the human system Is the stomach. In con
' seque. ee of Its activity, the body Is supplied
witti the elements of boue, brain, nervous and
muscular tissue. When iudigeation impede!
lw lunctloiiH, the best agent lor impartu g a
healthful nupuus to it operations is Hosiettur's
Sivmauu Bitiers, also a uuratlve for malaria.
-oilious auu jtiuuey vumuisiuui, uvivvuiuvh
and cousiip.llou.
Prospective Pere Do yon think you can fill
the requirement- of a son-in-law? 'I lie Suitor
Wuy, i, er ihouifiic you would do- hat.
Fiso's Cure for Consumption has been a
God-send to me. Wni. B. MoClellan,
Chester, Florida, Sept. 17, 1895.
'.. BOW'S THIS ? - - '' , ' '
i We offer One Hundred Dollars Reward for any
ease oi (Jatarra uat cannot be cured by Hall's
Catarrh Cure.
F. J. CHENEY & CO., Props., Toledo, 0.
We, tue undersigned, have known F. J. Cneney
for the last 16 years, ana believe nun perfectly
honorable lu all business iran-uodous, and
nuauomlly able to carry out any obligation
made by their firm. '
(ht S Truax,
j; , - Wholesale Druggists, Toledo, 0.
, - WiLDitia, Ki.-nan & Mabvin,
, Wholesale Uruggli-U, loledo, 0.
Ball's Catarrh Cure is taken Internally, acting
directly upon the blood and mucous surfaces of
the system. Price 76c per bottle. UjliX by all
t Druggists. Testimonials f i ee.
Hull's family pills are the best.
FITS. All Fits stopped free by Or. Kline's
Great Nerve Restorer, Mo Fits after tbe Unit
day's nse. Marvelous oures. Treatise and 12.00
trial bottle free to Fit oases. Bend to Dr. Kline.
(81 Aran St., Philadelphia. Pa.
-,. 1 11 . -
Tbt Gibmia. tor breakfast.
Bxtreme tired feeling afflicts nearly every
'' body at this season. The hustlers cease to
push, the tireless grow weary, the ener
getio become enervated. You know just
what we mean. . Borne men and women
endeavor temporarily to overcome that
Feeling by great force of will. But this
is unsafe, as it pulls powerfully upon the
nervous system, which will not long stand
such strain. Too many people "work on
'their nerves," and the result is seen in un
fortunate wrecks marked "nervous pros
tration," in every direction. That tired
lng is a positive proof of thin, weak, im
pure blood ; for, if the blood is rich, red,
vitalized and vigorous, it imparts life and
energy to every nerve, organ and tissue
of the , body. The necessity of taking
Hood's Sa-saparilla for that tired feeling
is, therefore, apparent to every one, and
the good it will do you is equally beyond
question. Remembei that
ta the One True Blood Purifier. All drnrolsta. 1L
Prepared only byC. I. Hood A Co., Lowell, Mass.
n UOU 5 rlllS to operate. 116 cents.
Line of Cutlery, Sporting (Joods,
Barber Supplies and Bazaar Goods! Why, don't
you know
They will supply you with anything you want
at lowest market prices. Rend for General Cata
logue or Catalogue of Sporting Goods or Barber
Supplies. 820 Market Street. San Francisco, Cal
"Just Don't Feel Well,"
are the One Thing to use.
Only One for a Dose.
Bold by druggists at 2 So. a box
Samples Free. Address the
Dr.Bossnko Med. CO., Fblla. Pa.
"Save My Child!"
is the cry . of
many an
. ' . ' little one
writhes in croup or whoop
ing cough. In Such cases,
Dr. Acker's" English Rem
edy proves a blessing and
a godsend.' Mrs. M. A.
Burke, of 309 E. 105th St.,
New York, writes : " Dr.
Acker's English Remedy
cured my baby of bronchitis,
and also gave instant relief
in a severe case of croup.
I gratefully recommend it."
Three sizes, 25c.; SOc.; $1. All Druggists.
Acksb Mkdicink Co., 16 A IB Chambers St., N.Y.
4 Beat Cough Syrup. Tastes Good. Use f. 1
11 1 in tlma Boldby drpgglsts. pr-e
The Late Humorist Informs Cleveland
Editor of Danger.
' A. E. Hyer of Cleveland,- editor of a
weekly paper called The Cuyahogan,
bears a physical resemblance to the late
Bill Nye. Be is also a bit of a humorist,
as his writings in bis paper show. In
the matter of a bald bead, spectacles
and a smooth face he and Nye were
well nigh doubles. Twoyearsago Nye's
manager, H. B. Thearle, wrote Hyer's
suggestion that the two should travel
together. Photographs were exobanged,
and Nye wrote Hyer from Arden, N. C,
a letter which Hyer still has, and in
which Nye said, "I realize fully the
novelty that the two Dromios would
furnish, but I am' sure I shall not go out
for a year and possibly never again. "
In September the journalist wrote up
Hyer and printed his picture. Then be
gan a correspondence. 'The humorist
wrote, urging flyer not to pose any lon
ger as Bill Nye. "Do stop looking like
me," he urged, and be warned the
Cleveland editor of the awful fate which
had overtaken others who had looked
like bim. One had been confined in
Bloomingdale asylum and. another had
been rotten egged and jugged in Cali
fornia. Mr. Nye sent a clipping from a
Fort Scott paper telling of a man who
looked like Bill Nye having had a par
alytio stroke on the street, and one
from the New York World telling of a
man who had been sent to the Market
Street police station for pretending to be
Bill Nye. The negotiations pending
were dropped at Mr. Hyer's request, and
Mr. Hyer wrote to Mr. Nye informing
bim that he could not alter his physical
appearance. ' His glasses, he declared,
were a necessity. Philadelphia Times.
Novel Life Insurance Scheme In m Massa
chusetts Almshouse, .
It has just been discovered that the
managers of . the Springfield (Mass. f
almsbouse gambled upon the life of an
aged inmate who committed suicide last
summer and made a good thing out of it.
The scheme was a novel one. L. V.
Sexton, master of the almshonse, and
James H. Lewis, agent of the overseers
of the poor, placed Edward B. Smith,
Who was 75 years old, in the institution,
agreeing to take care of him for life,
and be entered into the plan by deeding
over to them his property, valued at
$2,600. - -It
was a case of independent . insur
ance, but the insurance negotiators were
in great luck. .After five months of life
in the almshouse tbe insured man com
mitted suicide.
- Lewis and ' Sexton admit that they
paid out only $60 for his board, and
that after paying for bis burial they
netted a profit of more than $600 each.
They claim that they ran a risk that
the man might live ten years, and that
it is the same risk that annuity msur-
ance companies take. They say that
they will not do It again. New York
Striking; Innovation In a Circuit Court In
Cirouit oourt convened at St. T Ste
prion's, Ala., the other, day, Judge W
S. Anderson presiding. A novelty was
sprung on the court as well as tbe
crowded courtroom of citizens by a
motion made ' by Colonel Samuel B.
Browne that the court be opened each
day by reading a chapter from the Bible
and prayer. Judge Anderson granted
the motion, stating that he thought it a
very appropriate service. Colonel
Browne volunteered to read the first
chapter, which be did, choosing tbe first
chapter of Peter. '..
After the reading Solicitor Stewart
Brooks was requested to lead the prayer,
and responded in an able petition im
ploring divine direction for the court
and that justice might be done and the
county benefited by the session, closing
with an earnest appeal for divine bless
ings upon all present. The assembly
room paid respectful attention to this
novel feature of the court, standing
during the prayer. Mobile Register.
i Novel Wedding; Ceremony.
Johanna Huiberdina van der Kaay
will be married by a ceremony as odd
as her name. She is tbe belle of Gin
neken, County Noord-Brabant, Holland.
To this place Theodore J. Bonte of Col
orado has sent a marriage license and a
glove. . When these are received, the
couple will be legally wed according to
the old Dutch marriage by the glove
custom.';' '
" Bonte, who is a Hollander, has lived
in this country for four years and lost
bis heart on a visit to his native country
two years ago.
Vox the Masonic University. ; ?
' The Morrow farm of 60 acres at Bea
ver, Pa., has been purchased upon which
to erect tbe Masonio National univer
sity and the deed transferred. Adjoin
ing 1 lands will be purchased when rea
sonable arrangements can be made.:
Work on the buildings will be started
just as soon as the weatherwill permit.
Work For a Prospective Ancestor.
"You don't seem to boast much about
your ancestors." '
"No. I'm too busy fixing things so
my posterity can brag on me. " Chica
go Record. ;
Lots of men who are looking for work
wouldn't know what to do with it if
they sbouljl find it. 7
from U.S.Jonntal of KedMs
Froi. W. B. Feeke, who
makes a specialty of
Epilepsy, has without
doubt treated and cur
ed more cases than any
living Physician; his
success is astonishing.'
We have heard of cases
of so vears' standino
G ? tt cured by
' ' J him- He
" Tl Tla publishes a
U ljr,r sB 1 valuable
H II I I I work or
H H I B I thu du
Hi) I H I ease, which
II II IV J I he sends
large bot
tle of his absolute cure, free to any sufferers
who may send their P. O. and Express address.
We adylae n one wishing a eure to address
Two children eat In a window low.
Where graceful vines ever loved to creep,
A cradle swinging, now fast now Blow,
Booking a doll to sleep.
Els chubby face and his ringlets brown,
Her laughing eyes and her dimples fair .
A sunbeam, lost in the vines, looked down
Glinting her yellow hair.
I said, "Goodby, happy ones, goodby;
E'er I come back, little girl and boy, ,
Tour laugh will fade to a common sigh,
Mocking this childish joy."
Their eyes looked grave, for a moment's
But could not take in the meaning cold.
She shook her head till his brown crown
' caught , ....
Showers of curling gold. ' ' .
"When you come back, me will be so tall,"
He said, "and proud." "Yes, me will," said
"The doll will grow, and the cradle all,
Lovely as they can be."
And far away in the world of tide,
In dreams and fancies that picture fair
The girl's Bweet faith and the toy's glad
. pride . .. . ,.
. Followed me everywhere. . ' : s -; ,
Ah, could it stay, could it always be!
But each joy falls with a broken wing;
Then night comes on, and it cannot see,
Moaning, it cannot sing. . '
With years of winter upon my head, , '
With years of summer upon my face,
I came, by haunting desire led,
Back to the self same place. . '
The same sun struggled and wandered through.
And glinted ringlets of brown and gold;
The doll had grown, and the cradle, too,
Lovelier than of old. ' ' ! . . t
Tbe two still sat in the window low.
Their hearts so full of a love so deep ' f"
A cradle swinging, so soft and Blow, ,
Rocking their child to sleep.
Edward D. Oldham in Youth's Companion. '
' "Sam I Sam I Sam 1 Where the deuce
is that fellow?" ' '
I had rung the bell until I was tired
and out of patience, and then called for
bim until I was out of breath, and still
be did not come. .,
If you want to know who I am, allow
me to inform you that my ' name is
George Boomerang,' better known in
Frazeclona, where I reside, as Captain
Boomerang, late of the army. I am a
man of considerable wealth, own the
finest bouse in town and keep, or did
keep, a man by the name of Sam, whose
dnty it was to brush my clothes, bat and
boots and adjjust my leg.
I refer to a wooden leg. The original
leg ran against a cannon ball during our
late unpleasantness, and I have never
seen it since. 1 t .
Well, it was Sam's duty to take that
wooden leg off at night and to be on
hand in the morning to put it on before
I got out of bed, and now you know
why I was yelling, "Sam I Sam I Sam!"
And when I inform you that this was
the morning of my wedding day perhaps
yon can imagine how anxious I was to
get on to my legs as soon as possible. .
"Yes, ma'am, I was the lucky fellow
that bad walked into the affections on
a wooden leg too of the handsomest
girl in Frazedona and was thaf day to
lead her to the altar. But I must get my
leg on first, and, as Sam wouldn't or
conldn't come, I rolled out of bed and
went hopping around on one foot to find
my leg. - . - .
Now, my dear reader, when the sur
geon trimmed my stump after that little
affair with the cannon ball he sawed it
off uncommonly short, so perhaps you
can faintly imagine my feeling when,
after hopping around my room, I found
what I supposed to be my leg, but, npon
attempting to adjust it, discovered that
it was intended to go on below the knee.
"Do wooden legs shrink? That's just
what I want to know," said I. And
then I rang the bell and called "Sam !"
Well, Samuel didn't come, but my
housekeeper, Mrs. Bloom, did.
"Mrs. Bloom," I cried,; "where is
Sam?" ,
She answered me through the keyhole
of the door. "He left the honse last
night about 11 o'clock. Took his trunk
with him, and said he was gong to
leave town by the midnight train." -
I couldn't understand it at first. I
bad always used Sam well, paid him
good wages, and he had seemed perfect
ly contented with his situation, and
served' me faithfully until now.- ,
Suddenly an idea struck m, and the
whole .cause of Sam's perfidy was re
vealed to me.
"By heavens, it is Slympkinsl" I
yelled. , "Slympkins is the cause of all
my woe. He bribed Sam to steal my
leg on this my wedding day and leave
this insufficient prop in place of it. "
Jim Slympkins is or was my rival.
He is the only son of his father, who,
by the way, is the most wealthy gentle
man in Frazedona. Consequently Jim
doesn't do anything but smoke cigars,
drive round town behind his splendid
grays, and devote himself to the ladies
generally. . ; !
I rather had the advantage of Slymp
kins. To be sure, Slympkins had or was
expecting to have much more wealth :
than I could boast of, but he hadn't my
face, you know, or anything like it. . J
I was sorry for Slmypkins, but, hang
it, my dear sir, what could I do? If he
bad chosen Miss Short, Miss Ginx, Miss
Broad, or, in fact, any one but Miss
Amelia Seymotfr, it would have been
well. But it was really absurd for :
Slympkins to suppose that I would al
low him or any other man to niarry .
Amelia at least while I had a wooden
leg. , (
s I would have given Slympkins any
thing in reason, but it was truly ridicu
lous for bim to think that I would give
him Amelia. I told her so, and then I
folded her to my breast, and she folded
me to her breast, and I allowed her to
sip the honey from my ruby lips.
Yes, I had won her, and poor Slymp?
kips was fairly wild with rage. He had
sworn to be revenged, but I laughed at
his threats.
I was seated at the breakfast table sip
ping my coffee half an hour aftorward
when Mrs. Bloom came running in, cry
ing: . . ;
"Ob, captain, I know all about it!"
"What, the leg?"
"Yes. I think so. My daughter Eliza
says she saw Mr. Slympkins give Sam
some money last night. "
"Yes, I know it was Slympkins."
"More than that. Sam was married
last night to Miss Seymour's maid, and
they went off together by the 12 o'clock
train." . -
"But, my dear woman," said I, "I
don't care anything About whom he has
married or where he has gone. The
question is, Has he carried my leg with
"Why,, I'm sure I dou't know."
"Well,' that is just what I want to
know, ma'am. This isn't a time for
trifling. You must remember that I am
to be married today, and, by Jove! I
want my leg!"
"Why don't yon ask Slympkins for
it?" . - .. i . .
"Yes, and be laughed at. No, I don't
intendHo let him know anything about
the tronble he has caused me. Besides I
don't know that he has got it."
; "But what are you going to do?"
"Why, just, as soon as I finish my
breakfast I shall go to Mr. Seymour's
and tell him of the perfidy of my serv
antand I shall take that leg to prove
my statement and, unless he objects
very strongly-1 shall insist on being
married upon orutches rather than to
have the wedding postponed. That would
please Slympkins too much. It's what
he expects, but I'll disappoint him, by
Jove!" , ., v
' I finished my coffee, and going to my
chamber I took the ownerless leg, and
wrapped it up in paper. Then I came
down, and ordering my carriage rode
out to Mr. Seymour's residence.
The old gentleman met me at the
door. , He took no notice of my crutches.
With averted face he bade me goodmorn
ing and led me into the parlor. i ,
"I'm sorry, Captain Boomerang, very
sorry, but the wedding will have to be
"What, not on' my account, I hope?"
for you see I thought he had already
heard of my loss. . . ' .
"Amelia is"
"What? My dear Amelia! Oh, has
anything happened to her. . Is she ill?"
"It's nothing serious, my dear captain."-
. "But is she ill? Oh, where is she?
Let me go to her. v Do let me see her!"
"She's in her boudoir. Go. Perhaps
you can comfort her."
I did go. I burst into the room and
found her lying on the sofa. . .
I rushed forward to clasp her in my
arms, . but recoiled in surprise and
amazement when I saw npon the chair
in front of the lounge npon which she
was lying my
"Great heavens! Amelia, where did
you get my leg?". For you. see I recog
nized the limb instantly.
. "The le OX George Henry, I I
can never be your wife I" she sobbed,
fixing her liquid orbs on tbe limb before
her. . 7 . ........... . . '
"But where did yon get my leg?" I
reiterated, at the same time unfolding
the paper from the short one that I had
bronght with me.
' "Where did yon get mine?" she
screamed, hopping np from the lounge
and clutching the limb that I still held
in my hand. (
"Yours!" I gasped.
"Oh, this is too much !"
Amelia sat down, too, and for about
two minutes we gazed into one anoth
er's faces without speaking a word. At
last I spoke.
"Oh, Amelia, Slympkins has played
a cruel joke npon ns ! He bribed your
maid and my man to change these
limbs." . :
"Yes, and now"
"But luckily we have found it out in
time, and now the wedding can go on
as if nothing had happened. " :
"What! Would yon marry me now?"
"Now!" I cried, clasping her to my
breast. : "I'd marry you now if you
hadn't a leg to stand upon."
Then I kissed the dear creature, while
she laid her beautiful head npon my
breast and cried for joy.
In conclusion I am happy to inform
the reader that the wedding took place
at precisely 2 o'clock that day. . Slymp
kins was not there, and I haven't seen
him since, but when I do see him well;
I'll write you about it Tit-Bits.
: Colder Than the North Pole.
. Walter Wellman, who" has been to the
arctic regions himself, says that Mel
ville s theory of an eternal ocean ice cap
is as indefensible as the old notion of
an Open polar sea. At the pole the mean
annual temperature is reckoned at 2 de
grees F. above zero. In summer it is
doubtless often so warm there that the
Incky explorer who. reaches its neigh
borhood, will pull at his sledge with
bare bands and without any coat to in
cumber him.. During three months of
summer the mercury Would not fall below-10
degrees above zero. 1 He might
pass a whole winter there without see
ing the mercury drop any lower than it
occasionally falls in Manitoba and north
ern Minnesota. But he would find a
steadier cold. For three months, proba
bly, he wonld have no higher tempera
ture than 20 degrees below.
: Arctio climate, like' many other
things in , that region, is little under
stood by people who have not given the
subject special study. In that country
it is always cold when the wind blows,
summer or winter. But even in winter,
when the wind is light or still, a well
clad man can move about in comfort. ,
In Memory of Flora BfacDonald.
It is well over ; a century since the
death of Flora MacDonald, who made
herself famous by the aid she gave in
1746 to "the pretender" Charles Stuart
in his escape from the king's troops, but
never before this has her memory been
honored by a monument of any kind.
Now, at last, a stained glass window is
to be put up as memorial of her courage
and devotion in a church in the isle of
Skye. This is the place of safety, it will
be recalled, to which she conducted bon
nie Prince Charlie, disguised as her wo
man servant a piece of loyalty to the
exiled house for which she was reward
ed by several months' imprisonment .
Paine's Celery Compound, the Great Spring
Remedy, Made Him Well. v
A congressman is a public servant in
the full sense of the word.
He is responsible to his constituents,
to his party, to himself the honorable
office is full of hard, . thankless work,
and heavy responsibility.
Congressman William W. Grout is
grateful to the friend who directed him
to Paine's oelery compound, when pro
longed official work had well nigh ex
hausted his health and strength. His
letter reads:
' Committee on Expenditures the War)
Dept., House Rep., TJ. 8
' Washington, D. C, Feb. 28, 1896.) -I
found relief in Pain'e oelery compound
for insomnia. Its action on the circula
tion and digpstion was also beneficial.
.. Very truly yours,
William W. Grout.
, There is something wrong when
one feels "tired all the time." It is
contrary to every condition of good
health. There ought to be no necessity
of drumming into the ears of tired men
and women who feel they are broken
in health, and are every day loBing in
weight and strength, the urgent need
of taking Paine's , celery . compound,
now 'tis spring, to restore their spent
nerve force and purify their blood..
. Some of the earliest good results no
ticed from taking Paine's celery com
pound during these spring days is a
regularity of the bowels, a better appe
tite, sound sleep, and good digestion.
A healthy blood supply is regulated by
tbo nerve . and when tho vital Ho.
For Imitations of Walter Baker & Co.'s
Premium No. i Chocolate. Always
ask for, and see that
cle made by
Walter Baker & Co.,
She 'Preached the Sermon.
The Bev. Dr. Henry Wheeler was to
have preached his farewell sermon in
the Methodist church of Media, Pa., on
a recent Sunday, but was So ill that he
was unable to do so. The people got a
farewell sermon, however, for his wife
took his place in the pulpit and preach
ed an effective sermon appropriate to the
The highest
tobaccos is "Just as
good as Durham."
Every old
knows there is none just
as good as : ,
hBOI til
You will find one
eacn two ounce
pons msiue eacn
bas of Black wr-11
Buy- a bag of this cele
brated tobacco and read the
i " e-
of valuable presents and how
t.v tt-
it the nam of Wnman . -pv; Tt :
which burden And ahm-fam a
women taatifV fnr it "nJii Zu'nu
ann ma in It fa m hlaBaNim T- ..i. i
sues become fatigued and badly nour
ished, the bad effeot is seen in failing
digestion, distressing, ringing sounds
in the ears, dizzy spells, depression,
neuralgia and lassitude. Spring days
afford every one the opportunity for
shaking off old weaknesses and persist
ent disorders. ,
Physioians of every school have been
from the start nrged to inquire into
the . formula of Paine's oelery com
pound, that they might satisfy them
selves of its wonderful power of mak
ing the sick well. , Prot Edward E.
Phelps, M. D., LL, D. , as soon as he
presented Paine's oelery compound "to
his fellow physicians, was always anx
ious to have the invigorator tried in
oases that resisted the nsnal methods of
treatment, that he might prove the
truth of every claim made for his new
ly disoovered formula for Paine's cel
ery oompound. The great remedy al
ways gave relief, and in 99 cases out of
100 made people well. , .
Paine's celery oompound cannot be
judged by the standard of any ordinary
medioine, sarsaparilla or nerve tonio.
It is a great modern, soientifio discov
ery, singularly unlike any remedial
agent that has ever aimed to effect a
similar purpose to make people well.
, Paine's celery oompound is the one
real spring remedy known today that
never fails to benefit. Get Paine's eel
ery oompound, and only Paine's colry
nvmnOTinrl if.vnn wipri f.n Ko wvl'
you get, the arti
Ltd., Dorchester, Mass.
liubiiiK uud blind, bleeding or Protruding Piles yield lit one to
Dr. BO-SAN-KO'S PILE REMEDY. Stops itch-
iusjbaorba tumors. A positivecure. Circulars lent free. Prlot
0o. DruggUtt r mfcU. 1U. U08ANKO, PfalU F.
For sale by all Irnn-t. 5 Cent a nettle.
N. P, N. U. No. 652. S. b N. U. No. 729
claim for other
coupon inside
bag, and two cou
lour ounce
's Tlnrli am
The very remarkable and certain
relief given woman by MOURE'S
v lu i MB given
"FOl an dwS
VssJUT a V e a K n.e 8
... ' me- -ibousands of
race J
-vjAyjtt;tt-jjK4jNK DRVQ CO., Portland, Agents.