A MANGY LOVER
(Continued from page 5)
the early amoebas. They had no small talk, they
were flat broke, and they even lacked spines,
arms, legs, teeth, and eyes. It was, of course, for
tunate that the amoeba couldn't see, because if
he had been able to take one look at his mate, the
affair would have gone down the drain, and our
earth would now be as empty as the head of the
average teen-ager.
We will not devote much space to the Amoebo
lithic Age, because the amoebas contributed noth
ing to the development of love unless you want
to consider that trivial song, "Amoeba Wrong,
but I Think You're Wonderful"
It was not until the oyster, which came im
mediately after the amoeba and right before the
soup, that a touch of refinement was given to the
tender relationship between the sexes. The male
The difference suddenly dawned on Emig Bik: the
ones wearing pants are men except in Scotland.
oyster was born with an instinctive understand
ing of feminine nature. He knew that if you
wanted to get anywhere with a lady oyster you
had to bring her gifts. So he hit upon the idea of
making pearls. This was not the only ingenious
thing the oyster ever did, for even today oysters
make excellent stew, cocktails, and souffles.
Although the early oyster led a full life, he died
out thousands of years ago. Why? Because the
foolish oyster, idling away in his oyster bed, was
an easy prey for more powerful living things. He
had no protecting shell or armor to defend him
self from (to nnme only one foe) the salmon,
which was hostile and very cunning. The salmon,
as you know, hides in tin cans and comes out only
on Sunday evenings when your relatives pop in
unexpectedly for dinner.
Fifty-two thousand years went by, and man
had now acquired arms, legs, spines, and eyes.
His chin had begun to recede along with his hair
line, but a beard covered his face. But in spite of
his beard, he had the mentality of a child, and it
was only by instinct, rather than reason, that he
could detect one sex from the other.
This primitive ignorance was very embarras
sing to the Homo Caous until one rather advanced
brute Emig Bik made a discovery. As he stood
in front of his cave watching people come and
go, the explanation dawned on him. The ones
wearing skirts were women; the ones wearing
pants were men except in Scotland.
From that time on, life was considerably sim
pler. The cave man stopped walking on all fours
because the same Emig Bik pointed out that if
you walked on your feet you needed only one pair
of sneakers instead of two. Thus the primitive
genius who discovered women also invented econ
omy a logical and necessary sequence in those
far-off times, as it is today.
Love was none too easy for the prehistoric man.
It's no bargain now, either. The trouble with love
is that many people confuse it with gastritis.
After the ailment has been cured, they And out
they're married to a girl they wouldn't be caught
dead with.
Some of the earliest by-products of man's love
were the beauty parlor, bicarbonate of soda, and
the family. The family, as you probably know, is
a social unit based on the instinctive grouping of
all animals such as your wife's mother, your
wife's two sisters (who probably never will get a
man), and your wife's brother, who hasn't
worked in eight years.
You will notice that the group contains none of
your family, only hers. It was that way in the
prehistoric age, and it's that way now.
The cave man, having no language, could talk
only with his hands. When he wanted to tell
his mate he loved her, he socked her on the chin.
When he wanted to say, "I'm hungry," he socked
her on the chin. Sometimes he socked her on the
chin merely to see if she could take it, and all this'
was confusing to the silent little woman, for Bhe
seldom talked back. When she did, her husband
would sock her on the chin again. This sort of
conversation became known as "chinning."
It was obvious that the world needed a lan
guage. And, as history has shown us, necessity is
the mother of invention, just as the last one over
the fence is a nanny goat
So, in a short time (a mere 1,000 years as the
crow flies or 500 if it's an eagle), the first crude
language was being heard.
Language did much to make those long winter
evenings bearable. Remember, brute-man couldn't
take his woman to a theater or club. The best he
could do was take a club to his woman, but that
wasn't something that both of them could enjoy,
so they stayed home and jabbered.
The man could tell his mate how he slew a tiger
with his bare hands and how the boss had said,
"J.B., that was as fine a job of tiger-slaying with
bare hands as I've seen in months." And the little
woman would say (there were times when the
husband wished she hadn't learned to talk),
"Well, then, why doesn't he pay you more? Joe
Grant hasn't killed a tiger all season and he gets
twice as much as you do!"
We now come to the Middle Ages, which was
were? a period of slow progress. People just
didn't care whether they invented anything or
not But that didn't affect love. It had already
been invented. That is, the basic elements. The
only thing needed was to clear up certain points.
Many a night, a crowd of minnesingers would
gather around the great Yule log in the baronial
hall and try to clear up some of these points. But
what with the heat from the fire and the heat
from the grog, it wasn't very long before they
were all plastered and forgot what they were
there for.
We now come to the Renaissance. It's probably
hard for you to believe that such a long word had
nothing to do with love. That'3 pretty absurd of
you. Rheumatism is a fairly long word, and yet
it has nothing to do with love. But don't get the
idea that rheumatically inclined people aren't sus
ceptible to love. In many cases, that's how they
got that way.
In the Renaissance people once more dared to
be happy just because they were alive. Love was
going great guns. Women began to regain some of
their freedom. No longer was it necessary for
them to sneak around the corner for a vodka
martini. Unashamedly, they began to assume
their true role as man's mate and companion.
These were indeed glamorous days. Love had
forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had
displaced agriculture as the leading industry of
the period. To anyone who has tried both, this
won't come as much of a surprise.
Medieval authorities are now practically
unanimous in Baying that the sudden tre
mendous increase in population during this pe
riod was undoubtedly attributable to the revival
of love. At this time, I personally want to thank
the Renaissance women for the enthusiastic zeal
with which they threw themselves into this
movement.
The stories that Marco Polo (discoverer of the
North Polo and South Polo) told about his travels
aroused no little interest in the strange lands be
yond the confines of Europe. In spite of this in
terest exploration proceeded very slowly because
the sea was still unpopular. There were many
good reasons for this.
The compass was still a new instrument and
had not yet been perfected. In those days, if you
wanted to go north by northeast by east, you'd
have to steer a course south by southwest Natu
rally, this led to a great deal of confusion, and it
got so that people just didn't care where they
''There is no question in my mind but that the
earth is a perfect triangle," reports Groucho.
landed ; that is, unless they had a fight and then
they landed on each other.
An explorer would start out to discover India
or Arabia, and he would wind up four miles
north of Sandy Hook, N.J., with a bad cold.
About this time, there was much speculation
concerning the shape of the earth. Of course, dear
reader, it's not my place to expound theories of
my own, and I wouldn't want anything I tell you
to get around, but there is no question in my mind
but that the earth's a perfect triangle.
rm!l Wrekly. Ortoftrr 11. 1 Ml