To Beef or Not to Beef
. i .l ':tVi.
When Should You
Speak Your Mind
to your Mate?
By CLARK W. BLACKBURN
Gonoral Director, Family Sorvico Association of Amorka
as told to Lester and Irene David
The proverbial nagging wife and
criticizing husband can make mar
riage intolerable.
In my many years as head of the largest group
of family-counseling agencies in the world, I
have known countless unions to limp unhappily
along, and others to collapse entirely, because of
incessant fault-finding.
Logically, then, you might assume that the best
way to insure permanent marital tranquility is
simply to keep quiet.
Nothing could be farther from the truth ! Keep
ing a wounded silence when you should speak out
is just as dangerous as saying the wrong thing at
the wrong time.
Remaining quiet when you ought to talk and
discuss can cause your resentments to turn in
ward and go underground. These bottled-up vex
ations can fester and grow within you, and sooner
or later they are going to emerge in a consider
ably more destructive form.
For example,, a young housewife in Michigan
grew increasingly irritated at her husband's slov
enliness but didn't voice her distaste. "I simply
didn't know what to do, so I did nothing at all,"
she said.
Her resentment took the form of long absences
from home and short-tempered remarks. Bewil
dered and angry, her husband lashed back. Re
cently, a furious quarrel exploded for a trivial
reason and the couple has now separated.
On the other hand, talking when you shouldn't
can cause deep hurt. A California husband said :
"The meals around here have sure been bad
lately." True, his wife's cooking wasn't up to par,
but he should have realized why: two of the chil
dren had caught the flu, the washing machine had
broken down, and his wife had been beside herself
trying to get things done. Quite understandably,
she was wounded by his words.
The all-important secret, then, is to know when
to talk up and when to avoid talking. Here are
suggestions that can help you make the right de
cisions at the right times.
You Should Talk Up:
ft. When you are genuinely irritated by per
sonal habits that have been adopted recently.
Many wives and husbands let themselves slide
into careless ways as time goes on. They may neg
lect personal appearance, even forget good man
ners. You may rightfully comp'&in about these
things. In fact, unless you do, they are bound to
get worse.
2. When your mate acts in a way that demeans
you or places you in a situation you cannot accept.
A wife should speak her mind if her husband
drinks too much at a party and acts outrageously.
A husband can certainly object if his wife behaves
in an unladylike manner. Both ahould speak up if
either partner makes belittling remarks or funny
"cracks" at the other's expense in company.
3. When the health or welfare of the family or
children is at stake.
An Indiana wife was in the habit of drop
ping over to a neighbor's house while her baby
napped. When her husband accidentally heard
about this, he complained, and rightly. She should
have been home looking after the baby. A New
England wife told her husband he was working too
hard and not devoting enough time to their teen
age daughters when they needed him a great deal.
He saw her point and, though it meant a financial
sacrifice, he curtailed his work.
It's Wisest to Remain SiUnt:
1. When no amount of complaining can help a
situation. In New Jersey, a salesman built a chil
dren's playroom in his attic at his wife's insist
ence, but later found the youngsters ignoring it
For weeks thereafter, he complained about the
waste of time and money. One gripe would have
made his point without inflaming his wife.
2. When a habit or characteristic has been of
long standing.
If these have not been modified by time or cir
cumstance, either adjust to them or ignore them.
It's foolish to criticize a man for a devotion to
comfortable but unattractive clothes, if that's the
way he has always been. Nor can a man hope to
change a wife who always has been helpless with
a budget or a mechanical gadget.
3. When a problem is involved about which
little can be done without professional help.
It's- amazing how many wives and husbands
lacerate one another over such weaknesses as al
coholism, intense nervousness, and other illnesses
or emotional problems. If these problems reach
the point where they cannot be lived with, geek
the help of a local family-service agency. Nagging
is the worst possible approach.
If youdecide to talk up about an irritation,
choose the right time. The best moment to speak
your piece is when you are both rested, relaxed,
and as even-tempered as possible.
How would you start such a discussion? Beware
of belligerence. Openings such as "Now look here,
dear!" will only increase resentment. The main
objective is to avoid hurting your mate's feelings
while still making your point. If your mate had
embarrassed you at a party, wouldn't it be better
to say: "Would you mind terribly if I told you
that I felt uncomfortable last night . . .?
Lastly, I would caution you not to expect mira
cles. Faults, even though trivial, cannot be elimi
nated overnight. Be patient.
So forget what should be forgotten, air what
ought to be aired, and never lose sight of this
marriage-preserving fact: words can be weapons,
and weapons can destroy. But, wisely chosen, they
can help each of you understand the other and
provide the opportunity for a closer marriage.
COVER:
Ken (top) of the St. Louis Cardinals and
Cletis of the New York Yankees are two of
the six Boyer brothers who have played
pro ball. Their mother's warmhearted story
is on p. 10. Photograph by Ozzie Sweet.
Family
Weekly
I
July r, 1MJ
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