How Strict Should
A child-guidance expert comes
to the rescue of mothers and fathers
caught in the cross fire between
exponents of "get tough" and "go easy"
By JOHN A. ROSE, M.D.
Director, Philadelphia Child Guidance Clinic
Whether it's BETTER to be a disciplinarian or a permis
sive parent is a difficult question which, I suspect, will
be troubling us always.
. Excessive discipline may inhibit children, and excessive permissiveness
may result in resentment of any supervision, thus causing children to
become destructive to themselves and to others. To strike a happy balance
is the ideal that parents should strive to achieve.
The dangers of excessive permissiveness are graphically illustrated by
a family that has become the scourge of the suburb in which it lives. The
futher, a man well on in years and with a frightening temper, was de
termined that his children win respect in the community in which he had
established them in a fine hilltop home. The mother, considerably younger,
wanted above all to keep things pleasant. She found it easier to ignore
misconduct than to impose punishment or stir her husband's wrath.
Now the father is dead, and the mother is surrounded by an unruly
brood. Her boys race cars along narrow residential roads and damage
property, including the cars which they occasionally "borrow." Her two
teen-age girls have a reputation for taking anything they admire from
their girl friends' closets, and their two younger sisters promise to follow
in their footsteps.
Because of her excessive permissiveness, this mother appears to have
deprived her children of an instinctive respect for that which is good and
honest. There is, after all, a right way to behave, and the earlier a child
learns this the happier and more well-liked he will be.
Ciiildkkn brought up with a healthy amount of discipline seem to de
velop into the best-adjusted adults, for excessive permissiveness offers
no preparation for the adult world in which improper behavior almost
always evokes unpleasant consequences. It is a vital parental respon
sibility to teach a child what he may and may not do and, as soon as he
is old enough to understand, to punish him when he does what he has been
told not to do.
But, whatever the offense, there is only one justification for punishment
the need to gain a child's attention so he clearly understands that his
punishment is the specific penalty he must pay for a specific act. A whip
ping applied to the buttocks with little delay tends to be more effective
than a withdrawal of affection or banishment to a dark closet. It is also
likely to do less harm. For when punishment is prolonged, the reason for
it may become secondary to the fear and unhappiness it induces, and a
child may feel resentment for what he has suffered rather than contrition
for what he has done.
It is not uncommon to hear a well-intentioned mother say: "I really
punished him; I'd had just about all I could take this past week . . ." Punish
ment for general disappointment and frustration is useless. The very need
for it indicates that previous punishment has not served its purpose.
An incident that happened to actor Joel McCrea and his sons a number
fit IffilSr ,
Ideally, punishment should be a specific penalty for a specific bad deed.
of years ago illustrates the way in which children can be guided to un
questioning obedience yet not cowed. One afternoon Joel called his young
sons to him. "I understand you have a fort on that hill," he said, pointing
to a far corner of his ranch. They said they had and, with enthusiasm,
began telling him about it.
"I'd like to see your fort," he said after listening attentively. "But
that's a pleasure we'll have to postpone, for I'm about to psk you not to go
near that hill until further notice. Agreed?"
They nodded, and the fort was temporarily abandoned.
Several weeks later, McCrea led his sons up the hill. "You show me
your fort," he told them, "then I'll show you why I had to ask you to
stay clear of this territory." After the fort had been admired, they
walked to a rocky ledge about 20 feet away. There lay a nest of rattle
snakes which a ranch hand had just killed.
"We knew you had a good reason, Dad," the youngsters exclaimed.
"Gee," said the oldest boy, "with all those young ones to protect, that
mother rattler would have gone for us for sure!"
Joel McCrea smiled and nodded.
The McCrea boys previously must have demonstrated their obedience,
so their father knew he could depend on them to do as he asked. And the
friendship he displayed in showing them why he had had to deprive them
of their fort could have been the basis of their trust in him.
Children are happiest and best-adjusted when they are secure and
they are secure when they know their parents will do exactly what they
say, including meting out punishment when deserved.
COVER:
Guaranteed to put a hungry-looking gleam
into any boy's eyes watching Grandfather
carve the first slice of turkey. Dennis
Hallinan snapped this Thanksgiving scene.
IVunlly
LEONARD $ DAVIDOW 'rrn.irnl nnrf llh,l,rr
WALTER C. DREYFUS I'lVr ft..,,),.,!
PATRICK E. O'ROURKE .!.!, . rf ..,,; Dirrrfor
MORTON FRANK DiVrrtor n VublMrr Mm
5nd all advertising communications 10 Family Weekly,
151 N. M,ch,gan A. Chicago I. III.
AddVtu all communication! about rditoriol features to
Family Weekly. 60 E. 36th St.. New York 22, N. Y.
November II, 1962
Board of Editors
ERNEST V. HIYN f.rfil,,,. ,.'(,
EN KARTMAN irrmlirr Kdilor
ROBERT FITZOIBBON .UorugrnrJ f.'rfitor
PHILLIP DYKSTRA Art Director
MELANIE DE PROFT food Kdilor
Rosalyn Abrevayo, Arden Eidetl, Hal London,
Jock Ryan; Peer J. Opoenheimer, Hollywood.
INI. FAMILY WEEKLY MAGAZINE, INC., IS N. Michigan A.... Chicago 1. III. All rights reserved.