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City ft Stole -
Pleaie Print or Writ legibly
I Tired out from
aa I vii
Family Myths That
These 10 beliefs are widely held and widely destructive
THE OTHER day, one of my
graduate students blurted
out: "I guess I shouldn't be
surprised that my marriage
isn't going smoothly. Most
married couples are unhappy,
aren't they?"
That's a myth, I said and a dan
gerous one. Actually, the vast major
ity of U.S. marriages are successful.
The University of Michigan Sur
vey Research Center recently inter
viewed nearly 2,500 married persons
representing a cross section of the
nation's population. One out of three
asserted he (or she ) was "very hap
py," more than half said they were
"pretty happy," and only one in 10
admitted being "not too happy."
Another dangerous myth involves
the statistic, "one out of four U.S.
marriages ends in divorce." True,
there are 400,000 divorces a year
and 1,500,000 marriages. But the
divorce figure must be considered
in relation to the total number of
married couples 40 million not
the number married in one year.
Thus probably no more than one out
of 10 or 15 marriages eventually
ends in divorce.
Unfortunately, belief in the wide
spread prevalence of divorce and
"unhappy" marriages has led to a
fatalistic approach to married life.
Too many people believe that matri
mony is n gamble and that they have
to be lucky to stay wed. So, instead of
committing themselves wholehearted
ly to building a good marriage, they
feel hopeless when conflicts occur.
As an anthropologist, I detect a
number of widely held concepts
about family life that are so out
moded or spurious that they should
be classed as myths. Here are some
of the most prevalent ones:
A husband loses his masculine
imue when he does a house
wife's chores.
Some months ago, I asked an
audience of 300 Air Force reserv
ists: "When you were a small boy,
how many of you were put to bed
by your father? No more than five
hands went up. Then I asked those
who were married and had children :
l Family Weekly. June 24. 1962
' r-. ? k. w ' ' . :
If It VkVL J Jl. I
Contrary to niylh, Dad isn't loss nioscuine
"How many of you put your son or
daughter to bed ?" All but two raised
their hands.
The point I wanted to make was
that our culture is dynamic and that
we are moving toward more and
more partnership in the home. Con-
cepts of the manly man and the
womanly woman are no longer what
they used to be. Today, sharing in
household chores is an accepted part
of being a husband.
(y A working mother is hound to
neglect her family.
Of the 22 million women in the
nation's work force, three out of five
are married; and two of every five
when he helps with kitchen chores.
mothers who work have children at
the school-age level.
I firmly believe that a woman can
be a good wife and mother while,
holding down an outside job. Such
a woman tends to compensate for the
time she is away by being more at
tentive when she is home. It's tho
quality of the time spent with the
family, not the quantity, that is more
important.
O Being "just a housewife" le
' p rives a woman of self-fulfillment
in life.
The American woman who is a full
time homemaker has been subtly de
valued over the years. A myth has
Make Trouble
By ETHEL J. ALPENFELS
Professor of Anlhropology, New York University
grown up that being "just a housewife" is
unsatisfying because it does not permit a
woman to utilize all her potential assets.
Today's homemaker, however, does per
form a vital creative role. The term, "pro
fession: homemaker," is receiving more
and more respect as women realize the
satisfactions of maintaining an attractive,
comfortable "nest" for their families.
I Separation or divorce is always a
' eruel blow to children.
If children are aware of bitter conflicts
between their parents and if their home
is barren of love, separation or divorce
is likely to come as a relief to them. For a
child, an empty marriage can be mure
cruel than a broken home.
On the other hand, divorce n come
us a painful shock to children who have
been kept in the dark concerning their
parents' troubles.
Shielding a child from such family
problems relegates him to a world of
his own. It may keep him psychologically
secure for a time; but in the long run, it
delays his maturing process and only
makes it harder for him to adjust to the
cold realities of life.
CT When a family moves, the expe
rienee is particularly difficult for
the children.
One out of five Americans moves each
year, and the average family moves a
total of eight times during the years they
are together. But most children don't
mind. Every survey indicates youngsters
find moving an exciting adventure for
a changing world is the only one they
know. It is adults who are apprehensive
about putting down new roots, and some
times this sense of insecurity rubs off on
their children.
f. Boys should he taught that it's un
manly to cry.
Unthinking mothers still tell small
boys: "Mother won't love you if you cry."
This is a harmful attitude.Like any other
human being, a boy must have an out
let for his feelings. Training him to cork
up emotions (frustration, anger, hate)
that are disapproved may cause him to
grow up into a warped, hostile adult.
Even though venting an emotion through
tears is considered a "female" trait, the
truly masculine man in our society com
bines certain sensitive feminine qualities
with his masculinity.
with Theodore Irwin
A similar convention dictates that it
isn't manly for a little boy to play with
dolls. But boys grow up to be fathers
and they, like girls, must be taught to
love babies. When parents ridicule a small
boy who occasionally wants to play with
his sister's dolls, it may leave a lasting
subconscious mark which later may keep
him from becoming a devoted father.
7 Togetherness is essential for
family life.
good
A married couple
should share
their
joys and woes. But
overdone. A woman
exciting person if
some activities not
her family. And the
true for husbands.
togetherness can be
is apt to be a more
she participates in
directly related to
same principle holds
O Marital relations are more impor
taut to a husband than to his wife.
That is a notion left over from the
Victorian era. The truth is that, with
certain exceptions, the average wife is
just as interested in marital relations as
her husband is.
9 Mothers-in-law are a menace to a
happy marriage.
Some mothers do interfere in their
children's marriages, but by and large
the extent of the intrusion is exaggerated.
Unfortunately, the barrage of mother-in-law
jokes intimidates some women so
much that they abdicate their responsibili
ties as grandparents. Gifts sent to grand
children from a retirement town 1,000
miles away are not enough. The greatest
gift that a grandmother can offer is her
own presence.
10
Jealousy among brothers
sisters is normal.
Extreme sibling rivalry is an Ameri
can product fostered by parents. As a
result of our overcompetitive drives, this
disruptive influence is now at its height.
In many other countries, there is little
rivalry among children in a family. For
instance, a boy in India is expected to
guide his sister, not compete with her.
Just the opposite is too often true in this
country, and it can endanger family life.
The same is true of believing in the
other marriage myths I have discussed.
When stereotyped thinking lingers and
parents neglect to keep pace with modern
trends, needless family tensions result.
Family Weekly, June 24, 1902
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