It's Too Easy to Get Married!
By REBECCA LISWOOD, M.D.
Founder and Executive Director, Marriage Counseling Service of Greater New York
as told to Lester and Irene David
I enjoy a beautiful June wedding as
much as the next woman. But I'm
afraid all the lovely sentiment sur
rounding such occasions can't make me
forget that too many brides and bride
grooms don't live happily ever after.
During- the past 30 years, I have counseled
more than 6,000 couples, and I know what tragic
heartaches lie behind those impersonal statistics
that tell of 395,000 divorces each year.
Everyone agrees something ought to be done
about this pressing social problem. Yet most
people ignore a basic cause of the trouble the
fact that getting married is too easy.
Marriage is an enormously complex relation
ship. Our licensing laws, however, ignore the
complexity. They make marriage so easy that
many people slide into it without being properly
equipped for the long and difficult job of build
ing a lasting, loving union. Something is wrong
when it is easier to get married than to obtain
a driver's license.
About half the states require short waiting
periods averaging only three days before a mar
riage license can be issued and 20 stipulate no
delay. Most states require applicants to pass a
blood test showing freedom from venereal dis
ease but six states don't even ask for that.
Age requirements have risen somewhat, but
they still are shockingly low. Six states permit
girls to marry at 14 with parental consent, eight
others at 15, and the rest at 16. Age limits for
boys range from 15 to 18, with the consent of
their parents.
Why are easy marriages so hazardous? There
are four main reasons:
1. People marry without thinking ahead to
problems that may arise and thus are totally
unprepared to cope with them.
The short waiting period in most states pre
vents "quickie" marriages, but it doesn't stop the
"semiquickies," which are becoming more com
mon in these tense times.
The experience of two 19-year-olds is typical.
They had dated regularly for six months. One
day they visited a newly married couple, heard
rapturous stories of their luippiness and, on
the way home, decided to take the step, too.
In two weeks they were married, but within
six months they were miserable. A baby was on
the way, and the young man, who had aspired
to be a lawyer, was forced to quit school. His
hopes for a career were shattered, and he took
out his resentment on his wife. They had waited
A noted authority on
family relations warns:
too-early, too-hasty marriages
turn the road to romance
into a dead-end street
Vl Mi
as long as the law require'', but it was too short
a time for a thorough evaluation of all the pos
sible problems a marriage can bring.
2. People marry without a basic understand
ing of their obligations and responsibilities.
I recently talked to a 34-year-old businessman
who was having explosive quarrels with his wife.
They had married less than a year before. His
reason for waiting so long? "I was too busy
building a business."
About ull he knew of marriage and I mean
this quite literally was that two persons live
to:.-?.ther as man and wife! He continued his
absorption in his work, conducting his life exactly
as he did while single. He offered his wife little
time, less consideration, and virtually no tender
ness and affection. Small wonder she rebelled!
3. People select partners for wrong reasons.
I know a young couple who were happily in
love for a year, but in all that time never really
knew one another. She was impressed with his
looks and his humor; he was "just wild about
her" and looked no more deeply.
He didn't realize his future wife hated house
work; she was unaware he would keep tight
hold of the family purse strings. After marriage.
they came to realize these things about each
other and bitter disillusionment set in.
4. People marry when still too young physical
ly and emotionally.
Some persons in their late teens can be mature
and responsible enough to build fine lives to
gether. But can the same be said for youngsters
of 14 and 15?
Children of that age simply haven't lived long
enough to make a success of marriage and par
enthood. Yet tens of thousands of babies are
born each year to boys and girls in their teens.
In most cases, the fathers leave school to take
jobs, but they are untrained for anything but
the lowest-paid positions. Without further educa
tion, their futures as well as the futures of
their children are dismal.
What is the solution to this problem of
too-easy, too-early marriages?
Change the laws? In a free society,' we must
guard against violating the individual's right of
privacy. So we cannot drastically alter regula
tions except where a change is obviously needed
for the protection of the individual and society.
One change, however, is not only clearly per
missible but urgently needed. That is to raise
the age limit to a more sensible level, even with
parental consent. The minimum marriage age
should be 17 for girls and 18 for boys.
State officials also might re-examine their waiting-period
laws and ask themselves: would a
longer period afford young people time to have
marriage-saving second thoughts?
But altering regulations is only part of the
answer. The rest must come from ourselves by
way of the home, the schools, the churches. Par
ents should impress upon children the importance
of marriage so that they will grow up with the
firm conviction that matrimony requires careful
thought and preparation. Our schools and
churches should oiler detailed courses in mar
riage and family relationships. Some are now
being given, but they reach only a few.
I recall one young man who spent a winter
taking a course on how to operate a small boat
he intended buying in the spring for his honey
moon. But he never thought to learn anything
about marriage which has storms just as dan
gerous as any he would encounter in his boat!
- Too many young people are walking into mar
riage the same way. I am convinced that, to
strengthen our family life and lower our appall
ing divorce rate, we must teach them that mar
riage licenses should not be bought as casually
as postage stamps across a counter.
M41Wrf
COVER:
This dramatic photo by Carroll Seghers II
suggests a grand idea for Father's Day
a father-son fishing jaunt. Fishermen just
abound in one Oklahoma family. See p. 6.
Family
June 17, 1962
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