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082
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are a few
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By DOMINICK A. BARBARA, M.D., with FLORA RHETA SCHREIBER
Dr. Dominick A. Barbara is a New York psycho
analyst specializing in communication problems and
author of "The Art of Listening" and "Your Speech
Reveals Your Personality."
Flora Rheta Schreiber is a ooice consultant and
author of "Your Child's Speech: A Practical Guide
for Parents for the First Five Years."
Your eight-year-old son comes running to you.
He. shouts gleefully; "Look, Mom, I caught a
worm!" ' . -
You reply: "Go Wash your dirty hands." He
doesn't wash his hands because he hasn't listened.
Your wife tells the same jokes at every party.
You complain to her. But the inanity goes on.
You go to your boss to ask for a raise. He replies:
"Aha, mmiri, we'll see about it" But somehow he
never gets around to seeing about it.
In each of these instances, the essential and all
important process of communication, the give-and-take
of speaking and listening, has broken down. In
none of these cases has the speaker whether the
mother, husband, or employee made the person to
whom he was talking want to listen.
Instead, each has erected barriers to listening
the mother because she has frustrated her child by -nipping
his curiosity with her unimaginative "wash
your hands"; the husband because he never listened
to her at other times, and it was only by telling
silly jokes in a group that she was able to win cen
ter stage; and the boss because in his book you
had long since proved a bore not worth hearing out.
Making people listen when you speak is of piv
otal importance in your life.
When, for instance, you want your child to listen,
you should try to set the stage for listening. The
little boy with the worm not only would have
washed his hands but also would have developed
a warmer and more receptive attitude toward his
mother in all things if, instead of stifling his natu
ral curiosity, she had listened to the note of enthusi
asm in his voice and had replied with: "Yes, this
is a lovely worm!" Then her disciplinary, "Well,
now, how about washing your hands before din
ner?" would have meant something.
Wives whose voices carry the accents of accusa
tion should re-examine their attitude toward their
husbands. "What can my tone of voice possibly
have to do with my attitude toward my husband?"
one woman asked us. The first step in her journey
toward self-awareness was to have her make a re
cording of her voice.
"That's not my voice," she protested. "It sounds
like a nag, a shrew."
We made another record and another. We made
records when she was in a perverse mood and when
she was in a mellow mood. And as she came to
hear the differences,she also came to recognize how
her tones sometimes alienated her husband.
Moreover, from that recognition flowed a com
plete reorganization of her attitude toward her hus
band and her way of speaking to him. With her new
voice, she was now able to hold not only her hus
band's attention but that of other persons in a way
that formerly had been impossible for her.
On the job, you can make persons listen to you
without being a vacant glad-hander. Persua
siveness consists in cultivating the art of saying the
right thing at the right time in the right place with,
the right bodily attitude and in the right tone of .
voice. Interestingly, when the words you use and
the tone of voice in which you say them contradict
each other, it is the tone of voice and not the words
themselves which the listener believes. "A fine job
you've done," says the boss in a sneering tone. You
know all too well that this isn't praise, but blame.
Instead of trying to impress others, recognize
your strengths and your weaknesses for what they
are. Then either delay important action until you
can overcome your weakness, or take your chances
with them. You will find sincerity rather than insin
cerity, the truthful rather than the bogus, makes
others listen when you speak. People will listen to
you more willingly, too, if you have authority and
conviction to back up what you say.
Above all, listen fo yourself. Each of us is far more
driven to talk than to listen. Show that you
yourself are interested in what you are saying. Your
listener catches your emotion and will be as enthu
siastic about your message as you are.
Your tone of voice reveals emotion and has a
subtle unspoken effect on your listener. Anger, fer
instance, causes your voice to be too high, too fast,
too loud. Depression, too soft, too slow, too low.
Anxiety produces hemming and hawing.
You spend more than 70 percent of your waking
time in face-to-face communication, either as a
speaker or listener. You step on an unseen plat
form at home, in the office, shop, or factory. You
confer with the salesman and the plumber, the doc
tor and lawyer, the children's teacher, and with
superiors and subordinates on the job. Your daily
life is just one unending conversation.
When that conversation is going well, the dif
ference between speaker and listener blurs. To
gether you are caught in the mutual excitement of
sharing ideas.
COVER:
A wistful-eyed Marilyn Monroe, on the set
of "The Misfits," was photographed for our
cover by Erich Hartmann. In this issue,
Marilyn tells what Clark Gable has meant
to her since childhood. See story on p. 4.
February 26, 1961
LEONARD i. DAVIDOW VmMrttl nnt 'uMMrr
WAITER C. DREYFUS Vim frrMrut
PATRICK E. O'ROURKE ,liltirliino ItiWior
MORTON FRANK ftirertor of l'nblMrr RWafion
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) 141, FAMIIY WEEKLY MAGAZINE, INC., 151 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago 1. III. All rights reserved.