Bob's new film, "The Fact of life," proves
his humor, like his game, is always unique.
My Favorite
Golf Jokes
(Continued)
ahead, calling for a change of clubs,
resetting the ball on the tee, and stop
ping to scrape some loose earth from
the driving mat, he was finally ready.
Stepping up to the ball, he swung and
missed. Once again he swung and
missed. At the third try, also unsuc
cessful, he didn't blow his top. On the
contrary, he looked at the gallery with
a cheerful smile and said: "Tough
course, isn't it?"
Finally, like everything else, golf
jokes have their place. It's hard for an
enthusiast to accept, but there are a
great many people who don't under
stand or like the sport. It's another rea
son to size up the crowd before you
launch into a routine based solely on a
view from your caddy cart.
Some classic advice on the proper
place of golf is credited to Edward Car
dinal Mooney, archbishop of Detroit:
"If your score is over 100, you are neg
lecting your golf," he told a young
priest. "If it falls below 90, you are
neglecting your church."
Though golf is considered good medi
cine, few sportsmen follow the pre
scription. When the caddy hands them
the score card, how many wave him
away with: "I play for relaxation."
This is where a good comic sense
comes in. There's nothing like a good
punch line to relax you and release
tension. Here are my favorite golf sto
ries; judge carefully when to tell them,
and you might well be the Sammy
Snead of the locker room.
An up-and-coming young Holly
wood actor was so proud of his game
that he insisted his agent should come
to the golf course just to see him play.
When the agent reluctantly agreed, the
actor couldn't wait to get started.
Before he teed oft, however, he took
his partner aside. "Please be very quiet,
will you?" he said. "I want to make a
10 Family Weekly, August 14, 1960
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great drive today. See that man stand
ing way down there watching? That's
my agent!"
His opponent took a look and
frowned. "I wouldn't count on it if. I
were you," he said. "You can't possibly
expect to hit him at 250 yards."
One of my favorite golf stories is the
one about the two magicians who were
playing a round. The first stepped up
to the tee, swung, and made a hole in
one. Then the second magician stepped
up and did the same thing. Silently they
walked to the green and took their
balls out of the cup.
Then one said to the other: "What do
you say we cut out the magic stuff and
play a little golf?"
The urgent voice at the other end of
the telephone cried: "Doctor, please
come quickly. We were in the back
yard when my little boy swallowed all
my golf tees!"
"I'll be right there, Mr. Mason," the
doctor answered, then he added: "What
are you doing in the meantime?"
"Oh," said the golfing father, "I'll
just practice putting till you get here."
Censure being an integral part of a
caddy's make-up, the stories about a
caddy's reaction to a golfer's deficien
cies are legion. Sarcasm is usually at its
most biting in and around a sand trap
like this one:
After raising a small Sahara and still
not getting anywhere, the young player
said cheerfully: "Funny game, golf."
"It isn't meant to be," said the caddy.
Yes, caddy jokes come by the bag
ful and what makes them interesting
is that they're sometimes true. I like
the one about the player who labors
long and painfully at each hole until,
halfway through the game, the caddy
throws himself on the ground and
closes his eyes.
"Tired?" asked the player solicitously.
"Not with carrying," said the caddy,
sleepily. "Just with counting."
Complacency is the outward armor
that most inferior golfers wear a char
acteristic the caddy can recognize with
his eyes closed. Take, for instance, the
golfer who carefully tees his ball, looks
away to the next green, and announces
confidently: '"That's good lor one long
drive and a putt."
Swinging the driver, he dislodges a
pound of sod and moves the ball just
three feet.
Small wonder then, that the caddy
quickly hands him a putter and sug
gests: "Now for one heck of a putt!"
When it comes to women and golf,
their unfaltering assurance is that if
men can do it, it must be easy.
An example of this touching feminine
ignorance occurred when two women
approached the golf pro at one of the
better country clubs.
"Would you like to sign up for some
golf lessons?" he asked one of them.
"Oh, no, it's my friend here who
wants to learn," was the serious reply.
"I learned yesterday."
Mother happened to be the golfer in
the family, and eventually her pretty
teen-age daughter was persuaded to
take up the game. When Father was
called upon to pay for upcoming dues,
he asked how Margie was doing.
"Oh, Margie's going around in less
and less every week," said Mother.
"That I can understand," said Father.
"But how's her score?"
In the over-all analysis of woman's
place on the golf course, it would not
be out of place to recall one story of '
player versus caddy. He had been so
free with his remarks that the lady
golfer couldn't stand it any longer.
At the fifth hole, she exploded: "If
you don't keep your big mouth shut,
you'll drive me out of my mind."
"That ain't no drive, ma'am," said
the caddy. "That's a short putt."
Family Weekly, Auguit 14, I960 11