Qruelty in children may alarm parents, but
such impulses are usually
natural phases of growing up
By SIDONIE MATSNER GRUENBERG with llewellyn miller
Johnny, 11, suddenly can't resist teasing his sister
until she wails.
Shirley and her nine-year-old friends gang up
against one heartbroken playmate and exclude her
from their "secret" club.
Betsy, four, terrorizes her beloved cat by tossing
it into the bathtub, laughing- merrily at the frantic
animal's panic.
"Are all children born with a cruel streak?" be
wildered parents ask when a child who is usually
kind suddenly seems to take great pleasure in
inflicting pain.
Children are bom neither kind nor cruel, but
with a variety of aggressive impulses related to our
instinct for survival. It is natural for a child to grab
at anything he sees, whether it is food, or a fly, or
a cat's tail. And it is natural for him to hit against
anything that, gets in his way, that hurts or dis
pleases him.
Our first task in training each child to grow into
a kind, responsible person is to protect him against
hurting himself and others, not by suppressing his
natural feelings but by diverting them into safe and
acceptable outlets. The earlier we start, the easier
it is for the child.
The child grows naturally in size, but he does not
grow naturally into civilized behavior. It is a mis
take to dismiss lightly all hurtful or aggressive be
havior as "just a phase" that children will outgrow
automatically. But before we label a child's acts
"cruel," we must take into consideration his age,
the circumstances in which he behaves aggres
sively, and how long his hurtful impulses last
Teddy, a serene friendly baby, suddenly became
the terror of the sand pile at a year and a half, in
flicting sharp bites on any child who toddled within
range. This cannibalistic activity did not indicate
a hidden cruel streak. Many children, though by no
means all, go through a biting stage when getting
teeth. It is natural for them to use this interesting
new equipment without realizing that biting can
be painful. Often they will bite a child they dearly
love, just as they will give a vigorous hug, and in
much the same sense that a grownup says, "You're
sweet enough to eat!"
Teddy's mother was wise enough not to spank
him, which only would have outraged and confused
him. Instead, she was alert to stop him each time
he was about to set teeth in another child, and in
vited him to bite himself to discover that it hurt.
Within a few days he had learned his lesson.
The child of four or over, who bites, trips, hits, or
hurts others without, apparent cause, is a dif
ferent and most serious problem: he knows that
he is inflicting pain. He must be stopped, but the
important thing is to discover the reason for
his behavior.
By being destructive or cruel, he is telling the
world-he feels the lack of some-thing security,
Jove, recognition, admiration. If he can't draw at
tention to his need any other way, he gets it by
annoying others, whether he is a kindergartener or
teen-ager.
Primitive feelings and cruel, direct action most
often show up in younger children confronted with
a new baby, though sibling rivalry is the basis of
many hostilities in older children, too. When I was
a young mother, I was horrified at the "cruel
streak" my older child was showing when he pushed
and hurt the baby. I scolded him sharply and
taught myself a lesson:
My scolding did not make the boy feel like being
gentle and kind to his little brother. It only made
him feel more displaced and jealous.
Just recently I heard a three-year-old put this
forlorn feeling into revealing words: "Take baby
back to the hospital! We don't need her!"
Four-year-old Janie explained her plot to put
the new baby into the garbage can: "Don't want
him! Throw him away!"
These are strong emotions. It is senseless to pre
tend they are not there, aren't important, or to
counter them with: "Of course, we "want the dar
ling baby. We love him!" It is equally ineffective to
scold: "How can you be so bad to the good baby?"
Such words neither protect the baby nor help a
child stirred by longing for his lost spotlight. The
best way to ease a child past such cruel impulses
is to acknowledge them frankly: "I know how you
feel. Sometimes you love the baby. But sometimes
you hate him because he takes a lot of time, just
as you did before you were big enough to help me.
But I cannot let you hurt him ever. Now, the
next thing is to pick up the toys in order to give
the older child something to do with or for you
and then well be ready to read you a story when
the baby goes to sleep."
Above all, it is important not to make a child feel
wicked when he is in the grip of a natural emotion.
Our job in dealing with cruel impulses is twofold.
First, we must act as the child's conscience until he
has his own to control him. Second, we must under
stand that aggressions must have some outlet and
divert them into harmless channels.
Part of the value of toys is to release a child's
feelings about himself and others. Susan, who
never has had a hand lifted against her, suddenly
begins'to "play mother" or "play teacher" by sav
agely spanking her dolls. She is not showing an irre
sponsibly cruel, destructive streak. She is finding
a way to express her pent-up anger against some
thing that bothers her. Watch such rough play care
fully. It usually will tell what is making your child
angry or resentful.
Very few children are deliberately cruel to ani
mals. The baby yanking the cat's tail is more
inspired by curiosity than by cruelty: What will
the cat do? Will the tail come off? Am I stronger
than the cat?
Bigger children take a certain experimental in
terest in what will happen when a mouse is flung
to a cat, or a cat into the tub. Others are more con
fused than callously cruel. Parents swat mosqui
toes, kill flies and snakes. So what's wrong with
stamping on a frog or pulling off a butterfly's wings?
Four-year-old Tommy who tries to run over the
kitten with his tricycle is not necessarily a little
"sadist" But if Tommy at six, or over, still takes
pleasure in tormenting animals, something prob
ably is disturbing him seriously. If such cruelty
persists, it is a matter for professional help.
Some parents shrink from taking a problem to a
child-guidance clinic, feeling that they are failures
or somehow inferior as parents if they need such
help. No one should feel that way.
If parents blame themselves for every aspect of
a child's behavior, they assume an excessive and
unrealistic burden of guilt In dealing with cruel
and destructive traits, we must remember that the
present generation is growing up in an age of vio
lence in which life, justice, and honor have been
held cheap.
This cannot but affect the developing child. To
day's parents need all the help they can get from
each other, from spiritual advisors, and from pro
fessionals trained in child care.
On the other hand, do not feel that extraordinary
steps are required every time Brother and Sister
scuffle, squabble, tease, and fill the house with
anguished complaints. Teasing can be carried to a
cruel extent but it seldom is.
Of course, the teasing of a slow, handicapped, or
otherwise unfortunate child is an entirely differ
ent matter. This is cruelty, and adults must react
strongly.
At present we are properly much concerned with
juvenile delinquency. Its causes involve so many
factors that no single remedy can be prescribed,
but two things are certain:
First, there are individual children whose abnor
mal behavior should be detected early, recognized
frankly, and treated before they become a menace.
Second, at certain ages it is natural to form gangs.
All boys and girls need group activities, and if
wholesome ones are not provided, they will form
destructive gangs that' bring out the worst in their
members.
But take courage! Millions of parents eventually
get responsible behavior from their children where
only a few fail.
Our knowledge of the child mind has increased
enormously in recent years. We know that
trying to suppress aggressive impulses does not
remove them, and that a child will show his repres
sions and frustrations if he does not have an outlet
for them.
Some parents put undue emphasis on this truth,
and think that nothing should be suppressed. What
we must do is find a balance between the extreme
permissiveness which tolerates objectionable be
havior as "just a phase they all go through" and
the anxious concern which inflicts extreme pun
ishment for any breach.
Punishment is a two-edged weapon. It does no
good to bite the baby back. We teach by example,
not by meeting the child with reprisal on his own
immature level of action. A child who is too indig
nantly and constantly punished may feel so hope
less that he will give up trying, figuring, in effect
"I have the name, I might as well have the game."
Albert, 12, put this feeling tellingly: "I can't
win. If I hit a littler kid, I'm a bully. If I let him
get away with hitting me, I'm a sissy. So I'd rather
be a bully."
Punishment does not help a child in such a quan
dary. Depriving him of a treat, or part of his allow
ance, does not develop his kindly nature. All of us
have a lifelong need to be accepted and respected.
When a child must be corrected, we must use a
way that will help him save face. The words, "I
understand how you feel," are magically effective
as a preface to any reproof.
If we never lose sight of the fact that a child
nearly always acts destructively, overaggressively,
or cruelly not to make trouble, but because he
already is in trouble, the battle is won.
Watch for the second and third articles in this new series on child behavior in early issues of Family Weekly.
Family Weekly. February 7, 1960 5