and never tells his wife
"WHAT EVERY Woman Knows" is the title of a
YYj. M. Barrie play that deeply moved audi
ences a few decades ago. It concerned a subject all
v women do know and wise ones never discuss: the
intense struggle wives secretly make to help their
husbands realize their full potential.
Today, with strength but in silence, millions of
worthwhile wives continue that effort. But the
concealed contribution of wise husbands to their
marriages has never been the subject of a similar
play. Indeed, the self-discipline and quiet fortitude
which mark true masculinity are often brushed
aside, ignored, even laughed at.
Some husbands, as a result, have lost the art of
being husbands. They no longer possess the inner
courage and calm to conceal from their wives
certain things that all mature males keep to
themselves.
Instead, too many modern husbands childishly
reveal and even flaunt emotions,' ideas, thoughts
and acts that every man knows but no real man
lets his wife discover, if he can possibly help it.
Some wives who have read this far may begin
to rankle. I can hear some muttering, "My hus
band better not have any secrets from me!" Let
them read on then, and perhaps become ashamed
of any premature indignation.. For here are 10
examples of the sorts of things I believe good hus
bands should keep to themselves:
1 There are times in the career .of every man
when he feels anxiety, even fear, about the
future of his job, his business or his professional
career times when nothing would be accom
plished by adding his wife's worry to his own. On
such occasions, a mature husband keeps his fears
to himself.
Q No matter how tired a considerate man may
be when he comes home from work, he will
refrain from expressing annoyance at a wife's
statement that she, too, is bone-weary. "Woman's
work" even if it doesn't include a paid job is
mighty tiring. But many a husband tends to think
his wife has it easy, comparatively speaking. She,
at least, can take a break for coffee, to read or
visit with a neighbor almost as she pleases.
Perhaps he cannot. Even so, an understanding
husband, however weary, will not resent the same
condition in his wife or beef about it.
O Most wives experience difficulties during men
struation. Its regular occurrence gives many
wives considerable physical distress, at least at
times and such suffering is often accompanied by
emotional symptoms: self-pity, short temper, ar
gumentativeness, depression and so on. Such cir
cumstances can be frustrating and irritating to any
husband. But, again, a real man will never
mention to his wife his negative reactions.
4 Among the commonest and deepest dis-
couragements faced by a married man and
one he will keep to himself if he is courageous is
the way his family takes his efforts for granted.They ...
expect, him to work hard all his life to support
them, and he expects to do it. Society and the law
support that expectation. But when the family
PHOTOGRAPH IT J, MIDMICK SMITH
takes his breadwinning as a matter of course, he
will not voice his resentment about it. There is no
satisfaction in begged-fdr gratitude.
K A wise father will be aware that his children
compete for his affection. Sometimes though
the situation is abnormal a wife may even com
pete with her own offspring for her husband's
time, attention and love. But that such struggles
occur, no mature man will openly acknowledge.
Q He will avoid a pitfall in marriage which has
v ' trapped many husbands. It is this:
His wife will often sharply criticize her own
relatives or friends. But a tactful husband will
avoid agreeing with her let alone adding his own
complaints to hers.
Why? Because such criticism by a wife is usu
ally a sort of unconscious test of her spouse. When
her relatives or friends behave badly, she is em
barrassed and consequently feels insecure. She
brings up the faults of those dear to her, in front
of her husband, to make sure he is able to bear
them loyally. If he just grins and says nothing,
she is reassured. But if he "gets in the act"
agrees, even adds his complaints his wife becomes
more embarrassed and insecure about him. Toler
ance, especially for people close to a wife, is
vitally important to married contentment.
"7 Arguments about money are the primary
cause, of matrimonial trouble. An intelligent '
husband avoids them. No two people feel exactly
the same way about money. To every husband,
every bride will seem either too careful or too
careless. And no matter which his wife seems to
be, it will cause some resentment in him. Yet, if
he realizes the imperfections of us all, and the
differences between us all, the sympathetic hus
band will keep his resentment to himself. Only if a
wife remains disastrously careless or unendurably
careful about money will it be necessary to dis
cuss the subject. For nearly all wives try their
best (and early in marriage, many will over-try)
to do with money what they think is right and
what they think their husbands want.
O No sensitive husband will take for granted
his physical condition or his prowess as a
lover. He will endeavor through the years to main
tain his personal attractiveness. He will also try to
keep alive the imagination, brilliance and romance
of the honeymoon by not allowing married love to
become dull, automatic, routine.
Focus of sex admiration on youth causes many
husbands to neglect themselves in a sort of lazy
"revenge" for the simple fact that as wives grow
older their years begin to show more. "Growing
older together" can and should be part of the
original purpose of getting married and is one of
its mellowing, compensatory charms. But many
husbands who find their wives are no longer
"glamourpusses" use that circumstance as a sort
of excuse to allow themselves to grow fat, flabby,
unkempt and disinterested as lovers.
There is nothing sadder than the middle-aged
marriage in which the husband has retreated from
his wife as a lover and abandoned his physical
by Philip Wylie
Noted author ol "Generation of Vipers,"
the "Crunch and Des" stories and
numerous other bookt and articles.
self-respect simply because the years have left
superficial marks upon her. A real husband mar
ries a woman and a person not an everlasting
beauty queen. He will, then, neither mention nor
even react to the irreversible effect' of time on
her, for he will have anticipated and discounted
it when he asked her to marry him. If he fell in
love with her, not merely her looks at age 20, time
can do nothing to her for him to resent, anyway.
In that case, he will always keep himself and his
loving at the most attractive possible peak.
Q He will never admit his sorrow when, at last,
' his wife reaches that time in fife when she is
no longer able to bear children. Menopause is
difficult enough emotionally, psychologically and
often physically for every wife without having
her husband remind her that it is upsetting to
him, too. Here, again, is a natural event which,
when it occurs, will have been anticipated by the
steadfast husband. And he will hide his own
moments of sadness in the very act of comforting
his wife in hers.
10 Perhaps above all else, the wise husband
,v knows (and keeps to himself) the fact that
no woman is above jealousy. Wifely jealousy is
often petty, unwarranted, even absurd. But the
husband who tries to make his a happy marriage
will avoid anything that gives rise to jealousy.
A husband who has been "indiscreet" will out
of regard for his wife if for no other motive
keep such matters to himself. Whatever a husband
may think about sex ideals, a wise one will protect
his own wife against the workings real or imag
inary of her potential for jealousy.
Since jealousy is fear, a woman exhibiting it is
showing cowardice, which is shameful. No real
husband gives his wife occasion, real or imagined,
to act in ways that make her ashamed of herself.
There, then are 10 examples of "what every man
knows" that I believe he should keep to himself.
And I think most women will agree with my list '
and even agree that the list implies some virtues
too often lacking in many husbands.
My list also implies another important truth
one which many people today seem unaware of:
men have deep feeling. In their fashion, they are
as sensitive as women. Sadly enough, in this age,
men usually try to pretend otherwise.
Men are, or should be, far more perceptive of
the inner emotions of other people, especially their
wives, than most boys are brought up to be. I've
tried to show how such depths of honest male feel
ing can be used for a better appreciation of what
a wife is, and of what goes on inside her.
For I think the time has come to abandon the
idiotic American notion that sensitiveness is sissy.
It is not. Instead, it is the quality which most
truly demonstrates real masculinity. Its constant
employment for understanding in marriage and,
when it is needed, for the disciplined use of silence, -is
anything but sissy.
It requires the full and deeply understood use
of yet another quality, one which the world ad
mires both in men and in women: courage.
Family Weekly, AugUMt II, lt5$
1