June
To many parents, the announcement
by an 18-year-old daughter or a
21 -year-old son of an immediate intent
to marry brings tremendous shock.
Such parents point out, often with
hysteria, that the daughter has an edu
cation to complete; or the son, even if
he has graduated from college, faces
possible military service, and after that
not only the problem of getting a job
but the necessity of working at it long
enough to assure a livelihood for two.
Vital statistics show that more and
more parents are hearing such an
nouncements from their offspring. But
it seems to me that more and more of
them are reacting to the news with
happiness and something more: an
eagerness to help the young people.
Not far from me in South Florida
lives one such pair. The husband is still
in college. He is going ahead with his
studies and will be graduated soon. His
wife, an extraordinarily lovely girl,
did not finish. She yearned for inde
pendence, so in her second under
graduate year she left college and went
to New York, where she found a job.
Her father and mother close friends
of ours didn't always know for sure
where she was. Her increasingly fran
tic mother finally flew to Manhattan
and found her young daughter very in
dependent, indeed, about everything:
boy friends, late hours, places of en
tertainment. Our friend brought her daughter
home where she soon found another
excellent job. But instead of living at
home she wanted her own apartment.
Then she fell in love. Now she's mar
ried and her first baby, a son, was born
not long ago.
In addition to his college courses her
contented, hard-working husband is
studying flying so he can become a
commercial pilot. I'm sure he will
make it: he's that sort of young man.
Of course, right now, her parents are
helping the young pair (the boy's
father and mother were killed in an
automobile accident some years ago)
and they're helping with joy; for a
mnre delightful, effective, and satis
factory marriage is rarely seen.
That's the story of a girl who didn't
know what she wanted until she found
love tnd marriage. Another daughter
of a friend of ours knew exactly what
7, 1959
she wanted after her first semester
in a distant university. What she
wanted was a youth named Chuck,
who had years to go before getting his
engineering degree. This young lady
was beautiful, too tall and dark and
willowy, sensitive and thoughtful and
tender. She had no urge, like the other,
to run away or to live alone, and she
knew her parents as well as she knew
her own mind which is exactly how
well they understood her.
So she told them, on her first Spring
vacation, that she was going to marry
a very young man who was working
his way through engineering school
and still had years to go. They would
need a good deal of money for that
period, she calmly told her parents.
They listened, talked together, asked
to see the young man, talked to him at
great length and agreed.
Not many months ago, the young
lady and her husband stayed overnight
with us on their way to the West
Indies. A glow of happy assurance ra
diated from both. The girl, whom we
had thought of as "just a kid," emitted
an additional radiance that of ap
proaching motherhood. We recently
received word of the child's birth a
son. The announcement was handwrit
ten, not engraved to save money
and was very charming.
A third very young couple we know
has survived one of those tragedies
that might have destroyed their rela
tionship had they not been so brave.
And their marriage . would certainly
have involved a period of terrible
hardship had not their parents helped
them over the rough spots. We watched
the girl develop from a thin and awk
ward child to a graceful 16.
She became engaged to a young man
studying science and they were mar
ried as soon as he received his Ph. D.
His prospects were superb until dis
aster struck. A rare disease rendered
him not blind, but permanently too
poor-sighted to continue his intended
career. The parents, then soon-to-become
grandparents, were even more
devastated than the young couple. But
hiding their sorrow, they went to the
rescue, setting the young husband up
in a business in which his knowledge
of science was a great asset.
fr ... .:..,...
In doing so, they're making one of the best possible
investments in the future, says this distinguished author.
Not long ago the whole family vis
ited us husband, wife, parents, and
two grandchildren. There wasn't a
sign of regret anywhere, because there
toere no regrets just pride.
My wife and I now continually play
host to the children of our friends
married and often with children of
their own. And we also frequently
have as guests the married young
friends of our daughter who is also
married and their children. Among
those we know, there hasn't been a
divorce, and it doesn't seem that there
will be. Most of these young marrieds
have had some parental support, at
least at first. But the result has not
been to make them spoiled or depend
ent On the contrary! It has enabled
the boys and the girls to marry and
still complete the education, military
service, or both, which stretched ahead
m that they can then enter the business
or professional world as mature and
thoroughly prepared young adults.
Indeed, I've seen so many parent
abated young marriages work out so
well that, I'm beginning to wonder
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Why parents
young
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whether the old custom of dowry isn't
more sensible nowadays than we think.
And I don't believe it matters whether
the dowry goes with the bride or the
groom, for nowadays not one young
couple in a dozen can educate them
selves to the degree they desire on
their own let alone start raising a
family. Costs are higher and education
takes longer.
Perhaps the ideas with which I was
brought up are obsolete. We were in
structed not to marry until we could
"stand on our own two feet" finan
cially. To expect help from one's par
ents after marriage was regarded as
weak and almost un-American. Early
marriage was altogether deplored;
when it occurred, the older generation
shook its head and predicted the mar
riage was doomed. Youngsters who
were refused permission to wed some
times eloped and were bitterly "cut
-off" by their parents. Certainly such
gloomy predictions and bitter rejec
tions, common in my youth, hampered
or even sabotaged ssany yonthful mar
triages, causing their doom,
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S11UU1U ClHAJUlcUiC
marriages
by Philip lie
Wherever rr exists, disapproval of
early marriage is a comparatively
recent social attitude. In the days of
our grandparents, early marriage was
regarded as desirable. My own father
became engaged at 16 to the woman
who was to be my mother; she was
only 16. Moreover, the daily papers re
port many elderly couples celebrating
50 or even 75 years of happy marriage.
Such long and loving experiences
would not be possible unless the mar
riages had begun early.
It is time, then, for a large and well
meaning group of American parents to
take a realistic, fresh look at early
marriage. For the marriage of boys and
girls in their late teens and very early
twenties is becoming almost as com
monplace as it was generations ago.
Parents of teen-age youngsters should
therefore understand how to act sensi
bly, if the situation arises in their
own families. .
fhrst, Why do parent regard early
marriage a mistake? There are
- three main rftsor Yoang jpk)
WsotMore c1Jott than Inrmeriy,
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Next, in modern business, industry,
and the professions, it takes much
longer than it did for the average man
to become able to support a family.
Finally, some parents tend to stretch
out their children's "youth," making it
a too-long period of pleasure without
responsibility.
Such "overprotection" frequently
produces young people who go all
through life thinking, feeling, and
often acting like adolescents. Unfor
tunately, their softheaded, oversenti
mental parents may also encourage
them to marry whenever they wish. If
that happens to be early in life, the
almost-certain failure of their marri
ages reflects badly on all young marri
ages. So do marriages contracted
simply to escape unhappy home en
vironmentsalong with marriages
that take place because parents liter
ally drive their children from home to
be rid of the burden.
But th parents of properly teared
young people can face the prospect of
early) marriage with tag tyainathy.
Their children will sfe4y have keen
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guided toward the attainment of true
manhood and womanhood, the highest
aspect of which is mature fatherhood
and motherhood.
Paradoxically, some of the reasons
for postponement of marriage a gener
ation ago have become reasons for -early
wedlock today. When education
was completed at age 21 or so, it may
have been wise to delay marriage. Be
sides, most colleges and universities
expelled students who married; this is
no longer the case. Today, moreover,
it may take six or eight or more years
to complete a desired college educa
tion. In addition, young men facing
the years of military service don't want
to put off marriage to age 30 or there
abouts the age at which many now
begin to earn a livelihood. Finally,
what suitable and attractive young
lady will wait for a fiance that long
when she, too, will be about 30?
But early marriage has much more
than time-saving to recommend it.
From a biological or medical stand
point, it is ideal. Women are at the
peak of their fitness for bearing and
raising children from their late teens
into their twenties. Men are not only
at the peak of their manhood at the
same period, but it is the optimum
time to father healthful offspring.
Nature, in short, has planned us for
early marriage, without considering
how long education or military duty
will last or how many years are re
quired to attain good take-home pay.
On the other hand, as marriage is de
layed the statistical chances of produc
ing normal offspring are ivduced.
Besides, the older people are at mar
riage th more exhausting the task of
bringing up a family. And parents who
have babies late in life are often, tragi
cally, more like grandparents to their
own offspring.
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Tat tree soiHt to consider if the
queetion of en early marriage
arises ia yoefauly is the suitability
of the toengparStm who wants to wed
your 4sahtr or son. If he is mani
festly unworthy, boor, mean, out only
for f food tms or if she is truly "im-
ntjsajbW' (not just . because she is
jaemf you should use every honor
(ghl fld tatelligent means to prevent
tot) sWa?) rjneriage. Otherwise, you
ifcili.tJ'ritV1
tl,l.'ll..Hii'l
should at least acknowledge that your
child has chosen an acceptable mate.
The next question concerns the eco
nomic situation. In many instances,
that involves the willingness of parents
to accept part or all of the cost of main
taining a married son or daughter until
the young couple can stand on their
own feet financially.
The third vital question concerns
the depth and reality of each young
"romance." Are they really in love or
just physically attracted to one an
other? Are they planning marriage
merely to enjoy themselvesor to
start a family, which is what marriage
is all about? What are they looking
toward as they consider marriage
just the honeymoon, or whatever home
they will have after that? On the list
of things they want immediately, what
comes first a hi-fi and TV set, or
kitchen utensils and furniture? Do
they talk about the babies they hope
to have, or about putting off father
hood and motherhood while they
"have a good time first"?
It isn't difficult for a wise parent to
determine, by observing young would
be brides and grooms, whether they
are emotionally fit for marriage!
I don't make this statement merely
from watching other youngsters,
either. Our daughter was still in school
when the man who became her hus
band asked to marry her. We con
sented with enthusiasm. Their first
child was born when he was still in
uniform; their second after he had fin
ished his tour of duty as a Marine and
had returned to college for a graduate
degree. And we have become grand
parents at a time when that ineffable
experience promises to continue until, -perhaps,
we are great-grandparents
another gain from early marriage!
Some parents, of course, dread the
day when their children will marry be
cause it threatens to make them grand
parents! That, in turn, will ruin their
- silly illusion that they have "stayed
young" into middle age. Such parents
don't even deserve children of their
own let alone grandchildren!
So give early marriage your bless
ing; and these days, if you're able, give
what it may need from your bank ac
count, too. Could there be a better
long-term investment?
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immW&v Je 1959
Family Weekly. Jun 7, 1959
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