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They both showed signs of anxiety.
Paul, 5 at the time, suddenly began
biting his nails and crying for no
reason at all. Ward, 8 and gregari
ous, abandoned boys and baseball.
Joan says, "I'm not sure whether
he felt uncomfortable when the
other boys began boasting about
their fathers, or whether he simply
wanted to be as close to home and
me as possible. Anyhow, it was ob
vious that both boys needed re
assurance badly."
This strange period of tension and
trouble before a divorce is universal.
Dr. J. Louise Despert, a noted psy
chiatrist, calls this the time of
"emotional divorce." She says that
before any legal divorce takes place
there is always an emotional di
vorce, and that children usually
sense trouble, even though they can't
define what is wrong.
Hard as this period is, it serves
one purpose by helping prepare the
children for the final break. In Joan's
case, for instance, once the decision
for separation had been made, she
sat down to break the news to her
boys. She remained as calm as pos
sible to keep any extra emotion out
of the picture. She had rehearsed
what she would say and how. Much
to her surprise, Ward and Paul were
quite prepared for what they heard.
To be sure, they were saddened by
the facts, and angry, too, at both
parents. But they were also relieved
to have the whole question brought
into focus. At last they could pin
point this frightening thing which
had caused them so much anxiety
What did Joan tell her boys that
day? She felt that there were
four important things they should
know without any doubts:
1. She wanted them to understand
that regardless of what was happen
ing, both parents loved the children
as much as ever.
2. Because Joan's boys were small
and sensed deeply their need for
protection, she knew their first con
cern would be about who would
care for them. Since she had already
worked out that detail with her hus
band, she was able to reassure them
that they would remain with her
but would visit with their father
regularly and be welcomed.
3. She explained simply but hon
estly to them that she and their
father were not happy living to
gether now. But, she told them em
phatically, this decision to live apart
had nothing to do with anything the
boys had done. She emphasized this
point because she was wise enough
to know how often children feel
guilty about their "badness," and
how easy it is for them to blame this
"badness" for any ensuing trouble.
4. She told the boys that though
she no longer loved their father, she
still considered him a kind and fine
person, a man they could always
be proud of. She made this point
because she knew her boys needed
to respect and love both parents in
order to mature into well-balanced
adults and parents themselves.
What and how much a parent tells
a child depends on many things: the
child's age and temperament, his
inner security, his relationship with
both parents, his ability to accept
reality and disappointment.
If there is another woman, an
older child might be told that his
father has found someone he loves
more than he does the mother. In
the case of desertion where there is
little hope of a return, many parents
feel it is better to face the truth
with the child.
Whatever the facts, the wise par
ent refrains from defaming an ex
mate's character in front of the chil
dren. Joan stated this nicely: "Hurt
as you well may be, remember this
is an ideal time to indoctrinate your
children with a little compassion.
Let your children know that, re
gardless of what has happened, this
man who is so important to them
still loves them dearly."
Perhaps the best proof of the truth
of Joan's statement can be found in
people who refused to be merciful
or truthful in talking to their chil
dren. Joan and I have a mutual
friend who simply couldn't face the
truth herself; so she fooled her chil
dren into believing their father was
off on a long trip. It took months of
psychiatric help to straighten things
out once a neighbor's children ex
posed that lie.
Dr. Freda Kehm, director of the
Association for Family Living, for
35 years a leading Chicago agency
in the field of family-life education,
recently described still another kind
of parent. She told of a woman who
had to justify her innocence in her
divorce in an attempt to keep the
children on her side.
"One suspects that mothers like
this one feel compelled to explain
how bad the father was in order to
convince themselves, not the chil
dren," says Dr. Kehm. "To the
youngster, Mother and Father are
still 'my parents.' Rarely is there a
bad parent and a good one from the
point of view of the children in
volved in a divorce."
Once children are told there is
to be a divorce, there are plenty of
other troubles. Joan's boys were up
set for a long time. The smaller one
attempted to run away in search of
a new father. The older one day
dreamed for weeks.
At this time Joan found a sad note
he had written but never mailed to
his father. "Dear Dad," it said, "if
you'll come back, we'll see that Mom
acts very nice. We will help, too."
Facing reality is hard, and countless
children not only those hurt by
divorce try to get their heart's de
sire by wishing.
Joan remembers a hundred minor
crises. Dad wasn't around nightly
to kid with or to consult about kites
or Cub Scouts. He wasn't available
for baseball like other fathers. Ev
eryone else was lucky! How could
a mother understand?
Older children are apt to be crit
ical or abusive of the full-time par
ent. Many children try to pit one
parent against the other. Most chil
dren are angry for a long while.
Small children may pick at their
food, toss in their sleep, cling or de
mand. All these symptoms of inner
anguish demand extra time and pa
tience, unrestricted love, and a will
ingness to listen to woes.
Yet this is when the full-time par
ent is most troubled, too, and most
in need of a sympathetic ear. Joan
faced this problem wisely. She re
fused to share her worries with her
children, and she knew that kind
friends and well-intentioned parents
could give little constructive help.
So she turned to a family agency.
The fees were modest, but the as
sistance she received the insight
into her feelings, the ability to plan
wisely for the whole family helped
tremendously. Whether one chooses
a social worker, a clergyman, a psy
chiatrist, a family doctor, or a mar
riage counselor depends on what
kind of help is available in the area
in which you live. The important
thing is to get the best possible ob
jective advice.
Joan had countless decisions to
-make: housing (whether to go back
to her family or remain on her
own); money (whether to look for
work or budget closely and stay
home with her boys); visiting ar
rangements (whether the boys would
be happier spending a regular day
or a week end with their father) .
How did she work out these spe
cific problems? She remained in her
own house. She put off work until
her boys were older. She and John
worked out a regular time when the
boys would go for a visit with their
dad. In time their jaunts were
lengthened to week ends and Sum
mer trips during the father's vaca
tion period.
"Believe me," Joan says, "the
quality, if not the quantity, of John's
presence was deeply meaningful to
(Continued on page 9)
Family Weekly, April 26, 1959
7